This date

[ZA Dater]

Alright maybe someone will have a laugh at this.

I end up being liked by someone on Bumble and alarm bells go off fairly quickly when every single picture is just a face picture. Nevertheless she is very enthusiastic to chat, really wants to get to know me and we then start voice notes. She is late 40's and lives about an hour from me.

For whatever reason she is very interested and suggests meeting for coffee on the same day we matched, I am skeptical about doing this but she is insistent she wants to meet "if coffee goes well we move to dinner"

Ok I suppose its ok to be overly enthusiastic so I schedule the so called coffee date, arrive at the appointed time and perhaps unsurprisingly the person who greets me has perhaps a very vague resemblance to the pictures, I metaphorically kick myself "she might be a very nice person".

We sit down and already she is talking at 100 mph and really over trying on the conversation, for one word of mine it was 10 of hers, ok well this is not going well I think to myself but I remain polite and keep conversing when I can actually contribute to the discussion.

Apparently I am so attractive, so dashing and she apparently cant get enough of this one sided conversation. Now she proposes we "go somewhere" she apparently has not dated in years. Needless t say I very politely declined this invitation, to which she was not that amused and then tried to schedule another date which I had to try talk myself out of. This created another problem in that it kept the conversation going on even longer and now it became about schedules and time management.

Of course I was going to get bear hugged, not that I was given much choice in the matter.

I left there feeling bit sad for her but also like I had been caught in a conversation storm with someone so intent in, not sure sure what she was intending.  I suppose I could at least find some of this frenzied date amusing but ultimately we had nothing in common at all. I was also reminded why OLD does not work for me. At least the hot chocolate was good. 

 

[Weezy1973]

It’s just an online date that was a one and done. Very common and goes with the territory. When you’re meeting strangers, the vast majority won’t be matches. Tough to say whether or not you should have met as there were flags from the start. Perhaps you met more because you’re lonely than actually thinking she’d be a match? 

[glows]

Some people talk a lot or quickly because they are nervous and it’s in line with the info about her not dating in years. I think you’re being quite harsh here and almost ridiculing her for making a fool of herself when she was just putting herself out there the same way you were. No need to look down on someone that way. I’ve no doubt she sensed that later on.

When you declined the second date be clear in future that this isn’t a match while thanking her for the meet up. End convo and wish her well. Full stop. Then block the number and contact if a barrage continues. There is a way to be firm, clear and shut things down with no question that there is nothing else to go on. 

[OurLoveTurnsToRust]

Another experience under your belt, look at all things positively and positive things will come your way.

[introverted1]

1 hour ago, ZA Dater said:

every single picture is just a face picture.

This should tell you all you need to know.

[semble]

Nothing to laugh at.

There's a lot of desperate people on these dating sites that post old pictures that have no resemblence to what they are now.

Rather than sitting there "trying to be polite" and "trying to talk her out of a second date",  you firmly say "Sorry I'm not feeling it" and you throw a few bucks on the table to cover you tab and you leave.

Why put up with this sort of BS from a complete stranger who lied and wasted your time?

[ShyViolet]

I can't stand people who talk nonstop and don't let you get a word in edgewise.  They make me feel completely drained and I can't wait to get away from them.  This sounds awful.  Next time just cut it as short as possible and leave.

[Gaeta]

9 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

I was also reminded why OLD does not work for me. At least the hot chocolate was good. 

 

You pointed she only has face pictures, that she was overly enthusiastic, she wanted to meet you same day asap.....you ignored all the red flags so can't blame online dating on this one.

[basil67]

10 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Apparently I am so attractive, so dashing and she apparently cant get enough of this one sided conversation.

I think you will find that she's simply a chatterbox and is like this with everyone she meets.  

All in all though, OLD has some hits and many misses.   Your experience here is not unusual and why many get jaded with it.  

[BaileyB]

Poor social skills are not specific to either gender. 

It is what it is - life goes on…

Edited June 9, 2023 by BaileyB

[Ageless Wisdom23]

At least she was the real deal and although not for You, An interesting meeting of the Not so much in common of the Minds.  Move on from this.  Ms. Right is somewhere out for You, Online or Off.  With Online, You never know Though, Just who is behind the computer curtain.

[Ami1uwant]

Her quickly asking about meeting is t thst unusual. Many experienced online daters would rather just meet up asap.

 

some as part of being nervous/ excited can either be chatter boxed ne er stopping or be very quiet and frozen.

 

how much different was she from her photos? Was she maybe not wearing makeup?

[NuevoYorko]

Welcome to online dating.  Most of us have stories that can definitely top that, and you will too if you keep it up - which I hope you will.  There are good stories too.

[ZA Dater]

Yeah I guess there were large numbers of red flags but with the chorus of this forum in my mind I thought 'why not" and went for it anyway. The pictures were already a red flag but again I decided to not be too judgmental and go anyway. Ultimately I was not too surprised but it has been quite a long time since I sat with someone who spoke so much and yes it does become tiring.

I should also mention the prelude to meeting up was a few long voice notes which I think should have given me a hint!

Ironically enough this could be considered one of my better OLD experiences.

[Alpacalia]

Awww, ZA Dater, I am sorry things didn't work out. I had hoped that your shared love of writing and her enjoyment of conversation would have made for an interesting dynamic. Perhaps you could craft a narrative or a melody inspired by your meeting.

[Wiseman2]

23 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

 . At least the hot chocolate was good.

Exactly. No harm no foul. You decided to take a long shot and had your ear talked off. But you didn't continue the date or ask her out again, so at least you know where to get good hot chocolate now.

[Gaeta]

4 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Yeah I guess there were large numbers of red flags but with the chorus of this forum in my mind I thought 'why not" and went for it anyway.

Nothing ventured nothing gained. It's part of online dating. It can be long before we meet our person, I went on 200+ coffee dates when I was online dating and I have a friend who ended up marrying the 3rd man she had a coffee with. It's a numbers game and you've got to be able to play it and bounce back quickly. You can't fall into bitterness, resentment, be jaded and all that stuff that will play against you. Just let it roll. 

[mark clemson]

Given that you're a longtime "struggler" who would, if you had your rathers, be with someone, I think it's positive you gave it a shot. Remember, perfection doesn't exist, it's a matter of finding the right "pretty good" person who brings you joy and is a pleasure to be with.

My understanding is, particularly as adults, "settling" for pretty good (not just anything) is how the majority of LTRs get made. I'm not saying this person was marginally right for you as I wasn't there, but if you're looking for flaws (perhaps even unconsciously) in order to dismiss someone, there will always be some to find. You did, after all, turn away someone who clearly was interested in trying to establish a relationship.

IIRC, "lack of experience" is one thing you feel concerned about. This could have been an opportunity to at least get some more experience under your belt, have a fling, etc. Maybe she was just so awful even that wouldn't have worked for you, but it feels like your "weeding out" mindset perhaps led you to pass up an opportunity here?

Edited June 9, 2023 by mark clemson

[Alvi]

Look at the bright side, ZA Dater. You had a date. So, that means that someone actually found you attractive (you always complain that women don't find you attractive for some reason). It seems like she was really into you and wouldn't mind seeing you again. So, this is good, you did good. If nothing else, think about this as an experience. You got our of your house and met someone new and learned about this new person's ways of life. 

But on the other hand, you do have to realize that you are not going to be compatible with the majority of the women that you go on a date with. Finding someone for a long term relationship is like finding a needle in a haystack. This woman is not your cup of tea, which it totally fine. Keep searching and try to keep a very open mind.

[mark clemson]

A LTR (or any relationship) is a choice that you and the other person make. To be in that relationship.

People who genuinely want to be in relationships can establish them quickly and be flexible when it comes to the other person's inevitable differences. No one will ever be perfect, and even if they are, that's only a point in time. You and they will change over time, which will inevitably lead to "imperfection". Some people will tolerate quite a lot to establish or maintain a relationship.

That's certainly not always good, and awful marriages/relationships can endure or people can "tough out" extended periods where their emotional or other needs aren't being met. However, it also can lead to those celebrated "40 years together" etc. Not every moment of those 40 years was perfect, trust me.

If roughly 50% of marriages endure, those aren't needles in haystacks finding each other. Those are real, ultimately imperfect people who are choosing to be in a relationship despite the other person's flaws.

Edited June 9, 2023 by mark clemson

[Calmandfocused]

You know I’m actually really delighted that you did this. Shows you’re making significant progress. 
 

I remember reading post after post of yours where you’d catastrophise, analyse and subsequently make yourself miserable in the process. 
 

You didn’t do that here. You had an opportunity and you took it. Good for you! 
 

You may not have gained a gf out of this experience but you’ve gained some more experience and confidence in the process. 
 

I think that’s an excellent result personally. 

[ZA Dater]

On 6/9/2023 at 5:47 PM, mark clemson said:

Given that you're a longtime "struggler" who would, if you had your rathers, be with someone, I think it's positive you gave it a shot. Remember, perfection doesn't exist, it's a matter of finding the right "pretty good" person who brings you joy and is a pleasure to be with.

My understanding is, particularly as adults, "settling" for pretty good (not just anything) is how the majority of LTRs get made. I'm not saying this person was marginally right for you as I wasn't there, but if you're looking for flaws (perhaps even unconsciously) in order to dismiss someone, there will always be some to find. You did, after all, turn away someone who clearly was interested in trying to establish a relationship.

IIRC, "lack of experience" is one thing you feel concerned about. This could have been an opportunity to at least get some more experience under your belt, have a fling, etc. Maybe she was just so awful even that wouldn't have worked for you, but it feels like your "weeding out" mindset perhaps led you to pass up an opportunity here?

I cam be quite blunt here and simply say I did not find her attractive at all so any "experience" was really of no interest to me though she was very keen.  At least I did find good hot chocolate but it was also a monumental waste of time in most respects, I simply did it because I had a chorus saying "why not" but in future I think I am going to go back to being a lot more selective.

You are right, I do look for flaws but I also look for the upsides too, if the upsides can outweigh the flaws that is ideal. 

Perhaps I did get a dose of my own karma yesterday when I did meet someone very attractive but I made such a complete mess of it by being super awkward and shy. The upside of that is I suspect she is not single, in fact I'd be very surprised if she was.

[ZA Dater]

On 6/9/2023 at 6:06 PM, Alvi said:

Look at the bright side, ZA Dater. You had a date. So, that means that someone actually found you attractive (you always complain that women don't find you attractive for some reason). It seems like she was really into you and wouldn't mind seeing you again. So, this is good, you did good. If nothing else, think about this as an experience. You got our of your house and met someone new and learned about this new person's ways of life. 

But on the other hand, you do have to realize that you are not going to be compatible with the majority of the women that you go on a date with. Finding someone for a long term relationship is like finding a needle in a haystack. This woman is not your cup of tea, which it totally fine. Keep searching and try to keep a very open mind.

Yes all good apart from the fact she was very unattractive in person so going forward I will go back to being very discerning about who I meet up with. There is someone else who wants to meet me but again very unattractive so I am going to take a polite pass on that meet up. 

 

[ZA Dater]

On 6/9/2023 at 9:21 PM, Calmandfocused said:

You know I’m actually really delighted that you did this. Shows you’re making significant progress. 
 

I remember reading post after post of yours where you’d catastrophise, analyse and subsequently make yourself miserable in the process. 
 

You didn’t do that here. You had an opportunity and you took it. Good for you! 
 

You may not have gained a gf out of this experience but you’ve gained some more experience and confidence in the process. 
 

I think that’s an excellent result personally. 

I think its about just letting it go as quickly as possible and focusing on something else which is what I did. Went to an event this weekend and was able to just forget about this date and I simple realised that its best to just let things going quickly. Turns out there was someone really nice at this event but again just impossible for me to engage and try connect to which is rather frustrating but again I just accept that is me for better or worse. I do laugh about how some guys are so good at this whole chatting and connecting part of dating versus what I can do which is pretty poor.

What I also learnt about this date is I cant date 10+ years older, there is no common ground at all and life stages are too different.

[Weezy1973]

27 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

What I also learnt about this date is I cant date 10+ years older, there is no common ground at all and life stages are too different.

You’re just putting too much thought into it altogether. It was a date and you didn’t want a second date with her. That’s it and it’s going to be the most common outcome from online dating. There was nothing to learn. Nothing about being more discerning, nothing about dating older or younger. If you don’t want kids though, just generally older is actually not a bad option. 
 

You want to get to a point where a date is just a date. Not a big deal. Certainly not thread worthy. If you keep analyzing and overthinking every date, you will absolutely burn out.