How long to wait until making alternate birthday plans with friends?

[Coolpurplekitty]

I have a small group of friends who I see on a fairly regular basis, maybe once every 3 or so months. Usually I'm the one to visit them as they all live in the same town and have big enough houses to host us all for a weekend but occassionally they'll come to visit me for a day (I live in a one-bed and don't have the space to have guests stay overnight, plus they only live a 30 minute drive away so it doesn't make much sense to pay to get a hotel).

Recently we've been trying to make plans for them to visit me and go for out a meal on a weekend in June which is my birthday month. At first all of us were saying we were free the whole month but they had a variety of other stuff happening in the meantime so we'd put a solid date on it closer to the time. Towards the end of May the idea was floated in our group chat, and again we all reiterated we had no plans but they'd look at it after the upcoming weekend because they had a busy week. Cool.

We're quite active in our group chat and they're often telling me about trips they're taking to see other friends for their special occasions, cakes they're baking for family member's birthdays - they also recently took a trip to Disney together to celebrate one of their own birthdays and were showing me all the photos and gifts they bought while they were there. Objectively none of this bothers me, we operate in different lifestyles and social groups and I'm happy and excited to share fun things we're doing in our lives, as we normally do. It's just that comparative to all this excitement around celebrating other people, there's been a pattern in the past of these friends forgetting my birthday completely, not even sending me a message, or suddenly seeming unavailable when we previously suggested plans around that time.

I will always at least send a message, or a card, or bring a gift if I'm seeing my friends around their birthdays (not expected to be reciprocated, gift giving is just my love language) so it isn't that I don't put in an effort from my side.

This weekend just gone I sent another message in group chat asking if they'd had any thoughts about a date to meet up this month and suggested the Saturday before my birthday. One of the group pretty bluntly just said 'sorry I'm busy that weekend and probably for the rest of the month now' and the others didn't even acknowledge my message and still haven't responded. I've messaged one of them separately about another topic and they've responded to that no problem, but the GC has gone radio silent.

I know that June is a busy month for most people and it could be down to anything, but we've known each other a long time and I consider them some of my closest friends, usually they would tell me if stuff was going on.

Now I'm starting to feel a bit neglected seeing them putting loads of effort into other people for their special occasions and birthdays this year while they don't seem to show similar interest in mine - and looking back on the history I mentioned this isn't a one off. They've given me no reason to believe there's an issue and are normally really responsive at arranging plans, so it seems a bit mean spirited. Why be all fine and chatty for weeks, showing me pictures of cakes you made for people and gushing over how fun it is celebrating someone's special day, say you're available to visit me for mine and then suddenly bail out / ghost with no explanation as soon as I bring it up? 

Aside to all of this my dad has been messaging me saying he wants to come and visit that weekend before my birthday, where I previously told him I was on reserve for possible plans while I waited for my friends to respond. Since one of them has already said no and now my dad's chasing me while I'm waiting to maybe (or maybe not) hear anything from the others, I might make plans with him instead and just let the group sit in the water for now.

I don't want to message them again because I don't want to come off like I'm annoying them, but if I do get a positive response later in the week, would it be fair to then decline after I suggested that date? I don't want to put anyone's back up if they have a genuine reason they didn't message, but I also don't want to be left with zero plans on my birthday.

[Wiseman2]

58 minutes ago, Coolpurplekitty said:

, I might make plans with him instead and just let the group sit in the water for now.

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately while you're all still friends, your lifestyles are drifting apart. 

Definitely see your family and other friends on your birthday. And more regularly.  

[Alpacalia]

I would definitely opt to spend time with your dad.

It's okay if your friends and you get together another time.

 

[Weezy1973]

You can send a message to the group chat something like “Change of plans, my dad is coming down that weekend for my birthday,. I’d still love to see you all for my birthday so let me know when you’re free and we can make plans.”

 

[Coolpurplekitty]

56 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

You can send a message to the group chat something like “Change of plans, my dad is coming down that weekend for my birthday,. I’d still love to see you all for my birthday so let me know when you’re free and we can make plans.”

 

Thanks, good suggestion - I was thinking if I hadn't heard anything by the Wednesday before I'd just go ahead and message my dad telling him he's welcome to come, at that point I think most people would reasonably assume they're not going to come.

It is unusual for the GC to be so quiet for this long, so I'm wondering if I should just leave it be for now and then reach out if it continues. They must be aware that I'll be wondering what's up with the sudden change in communication, maybe not.

Obviously I don't only want to only see/speak to them because of my birthday, it would just be nice to know they're OK and they aren't deliberately avoiding it for whatever reason based on their previous pattern.

Edited June 7, 2023 by Coolpurplekitty
Added a bit of clarification

[glows]

Make plans with your dad and forget about overexplaining yourself. They didn’t bother to respond to you which means not interested. What’s the likelihood they’re throwing you a surprise party? Nil? Then don’t bother wasting your time worrying about what they think.

I used to be like you when I was younger (the ever cognizant future thinking and logistics minded). Now if someone doesn’t get back in a timely manner or is rude, unresponsive, I do not give a sh*t. Granted they’re your friends or you still think of them as friends but move on and make new plans. Don’t reserve time for people who aren’t there to even respond with a few words. 

[Coolpurplekitty]

3 minutes ago, glows said:

Make plans with your dad and forget about overexplaining yourself. They didn’t bother to respond to you which means not interested. What’s the likelihood they’re throwing you a surprise party? Nil? Then don’t bother wasting your time worrying about what they think.

I used to be like you when I was younger (the ever cognizant future thinking and logistics minded). Now if someone doesn’t get back in a timely manner or is rude, unresponsive, I do not give a sh*t. Granted they’re your friends or you still think of them as friends but move on and make new plans. Don’t reserve time for people who aren’t there to even respond with a few words. 

Yeah, it did cross my mind that this is the kind of behaviour I'd expect when planning a surprise party, I'd say that's highly unlikely though. We all have varying levels of neurodivergence and unplanned surprises aren't really something we do in our group. They've never done anything like that for me before anyway.

I agree, I have lots of people in my life where we get busy and drift away for a bit and others I've completely lost touch with who didn't ever put in effort or respect my time. It's just different for different relationships - I think it's this sudden and drastic change from their normal communication that's bugged me with this one? Maybe it's just a sign the friendship is shifting. Sad but it does happen.

 

 

[glows]

23 minutes ago, Coolpurplekitty said:

Yeah, it did cross my mind that this is the kind of behaviour I'd expect when planning a surprise party, I'd say that's highly unlikely though. We all have varying levels of neurodivergence and unplanned surprises aren't really something we do in our group. They've never done anything like that for me before anyway.

I agree, I have lots of people in my life where we get busy and drift away for a bit and others I've completely lost touch with who didn't ever put in effort or respect my time. It's just different for different relationships - I think it's this sudden and drastic change from their normal communication that's bugged me with this one? Maybe it's just a sign the friendship is shifting. Sad but it does happen.

 

 

Regarding the things they post in the gc also try to keep in mind some are addicted to oversharing - the need to publicize or talk about events whether big or small, private or public, involving other friendships or your friendship. There is nothing wrong with that but it doesn’t always mean that someone is sharing it because it adds to the friendship or because they honour what goes on in your life. It’s just a kneejerk reaction similar to the need to take photos all the time and post on Instagram or a habit repeated over and over again. It becomes a reaction to something else with no real thought or intention behind it.

This is just food for thought and not to say it’s what’s exactly happening. I don’t know these people. I would be disappointed too if no one made an effort to acknowledge my birthday especially those in a close inner circle. 

Id leave this for now and celebrate with those who are responsive and eager to see you. Although it’s dad and not exciting friends you may have a lot more fun with him and so much less stress over this planning a weekend with your dad or family. I’d also limit the need to check the gc as often if it’s less fulfilling. As mentioned I used to be like this, sometimes spending too much time trying around people or events that give so little back to me. Learn to focus on reciprocal relationships and ones that give you joy, no shadiness and no lack of response. Choose clarity. Life is too short.

[Alpacalia]

You can see your friends at anytime. It doesn't sound like your father lives close so this might be one of the few opportunities you have to spend time with him. Spend the day with him and make some memories that will last a lifetime.

I get you're probably younger and want to spend time with your friends instead. However, cherish the time you get to spend with your father. You will never get these moments back and they will become more precious as you grow older. Take advantage of the time you have with him and make the most of it.

[Coolpurplekitty]

I messaged my dad and he's now coming on the Saturday along with some other family to go for lunch so that will be really nice 😊

Still no response from my other friends but I'm honestly over reading into it for now at least. They'll come back to me if/when they decide and I'm sure we'll meet up at some point.

Thanks for all the replies guys ❤

[glows]

I don’t think you’re overreading into it. If someone doesn’t respond it shows lack of interest. Trust your instincts more and don’t make excuses for poor behaviour. You don’t have to hold onto resentment (takes too much energy, not worth it) but it might be a good idea to expand and find new friends who fulfill emotional needs and reciprocate the same way you do. 

[Ageless Wisdom23]

They appear snobbish and more into their own High Class lives in their own circle.  It is so sad when someone so kind and generous(I can tell)Like Yourself, Has been neglected and made forgotten and not even one of their own top priorities.  If i was You, I'd find better friends.  These ones are considered  "Farewell Feather Ones."  Cal🥰l Dad.  He is the only one who is willing to come and sincerely light your birthday candles.  You are still His Number One, hun.  Blow our their candles.  Happy Birthday.

[Coolpurplekitty]

On 6/10/2023 at 2:10 AM, Ageless Wisdom23 said:

They appear snobbish and more into their own High Class lives in their own circle.  It is so sad when someone so kind and generous(I can tell)Like Yourself, Has been neglected and made forgotten and not even one of their own top priorities.  If i was You, I'd find better friends.  These ones are considered  "Farewell Feather Ones."  Cal🥰l Dad.  He is the only one who is willing to come and sincerely light your birthday candles.  You are still His Number One, hun.  Blow our their candles.  Happy Birthday.

Thanks for your kind words!

I wouldn't say they're snobby but two of them have a bit of an enmeshed relationship, like I said because they all live right near each other when one of them has something else going on they will tend to prioritise that and shut everyone else out, even if the rest of us friends know and have offered to help out with whatever they have going on (in this case they've just not really said much, not sure why).

So yeah I had lunch with my dad yesterday which was nice, my friends did message me this morning to say happy birthday and whilst they didn't acknowledge our plans to meet up, they implied that they were at the other friend's place helping with something so I just sent a few thankyou messages back and am letting them get on with it. They know I'm here if they need me otherwise I'll focus on my family and other friends for now and I'm sure we'll catch up soon enough.

[NuevoYorko]

Maybe the group chat is not the best for you to participate in.  It sounds like they are understandably fairly wrapped up in each others' lives because they live in close proximity to one another.  I don't think they intend to exclude or ignore you.

You might enjoy it if you handle your friendships with each individually or invite one or two of them to do something with you.  

[Alpacalia]

I'm glad you had a nice time with your father.

I find when something is bothersome to either cope or communicate. Cope by allowing yourself to feel whatever emotions arise and then letting them go. Or communicate by actively talking to your friends about it.

It's easy to make assumptions why they chose not to spend time with you on your birthday. Was it a one time thing? Let it go. Is it constant? Yes, then rethink those friendships. If they don't routinely show up for important things for you, don't make excuses for them. If you feel a friend is behaving really crumby, cut them off.

That's really the only way to move through it and decide going forward how you want to respond to situations like this. Do you want to create new boundaries or excuse it away?

The choice is yours.

[justwhoiam]

I think that your insecurity is not helping here. How about, you're all invited to my birthday party on xxx, at 7pm at (location).

I informed everyone that they should block that date 6 months in advance. Then sent a proper invitation (a digital one), asking to confirm asap, because the party was at a venue where I was paying per person. Obviously some turned the invitation down, for various reasons (health problems, working that night, etc.) But guess what? with some missing friends I celebrated 4 months later, when we spent a whole Sunday together.

In short, if you want things to work, you need to arrange things well and in due time. There's no "birthday month", it's too broad of a concept, and people will do their own things as there are not set plans for anything. You can't ask people to block a whole months. Kids often have games to play or attend to, relatives ask to visit them or they invite you over, they also have birthday to celebrate and some of them being old cannot count on friends, just family.