Age gap?

[Lewis321]

I am 33, this girl I know is 22, there is mutual attraction but I am apprehensive to take things any further due to the age gap. What's your guys thoughts, I am only really looking to date and have something casual? 

[Els]

As long as she knows that you only want something casual and she feels the same way, I don't see an issue? 22 vs 33 isn't the worst... there may be problems with life stages if you are looking for marriage/LTR, but if it's just casual dating then the ages are probably irrelevant. And it's also not a gap that's obviously predatory like a 50yo with an 18yo would be.

[Cottonmouth]

If your intentions are only casual and she is aware of that, I don’t see any issue. An 11 year age gap is not really meaningful as long as it isn’t between the two of you. But be advised!  Large age gaps are difficult and sometimes ultimately disastrous.  In your age bracket I don’t see a concern 

[Lotsgoingon]

Definitely you want to make clear your casual intentions and be blunt-- I just want to have sex.  Sometimes (actually often) I don't want anything too serious doesn't really cut it, the intent doesn't get through. I'll say 33 vs 22 can be a big age gap in maturity. The problem is that 22-year-olds think they are more mature than they are. And she'll try to act and perform like a precocious older person to impress you if she really likes you.

And some young people, despite being told that the other person wants to simply have sex will still create a fantasy world where the sex leads to official romance. Let's say you were to add ten years to both of your ages--43 to 32--you would be able to relax a lot more. But depends on the maturity of the 22-year-old. Some are savvy and mature. Some are still in a teenage mindset.

You got to be ruthlessly honest with yourself. As in if you sense (through her body language and tone) that she has a full gushy crush on you despite her denials, then I say pull back. 

There are some great stories out there about this kind of situation. The punchline is something like this: if you take her to dinner and to the movies and you really open up to her (things you would do with a long-term partner) she's going to think you want her as a long-term partner NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY. 

Edited June 5, 2023 by Lotsgoingon

[Els]

24 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

And some young people, despite being told that the other person wants to simply have sex will still create a fantasy world where the sex leads to official romance.

This is a good point. I'd honestly say that the odds of a 22-yo woman genuinely just wanting casual sex are quite a bit lower than the odds of a 30+ yo woman wanting it.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Lewis321 said:

, I am only really looking to date and have something casual? 

How do you know each other? Do you work together? The issue is mainly being upfront that you're only looking for casual. If she's ok with that then it's fine.

[Lewis321]

24 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How do you know each other? Do you work together? The issue is mainly being upfront that you're only looking for casual. If she's ok with that then it's fine.

We work together yes.

[Gaeta]

It's not the age gap the problem, it's her age the issue. At 22 my daughter met a 30 something man who told her he was not looking for something serious, she liked him so she convinced herself it's ok and imagined he'll fall for her eventually. It ended up being the biggest heartbreak of her life. Took her months to get over it. 

My advice would be to go play with ladies your age or older. 

Edited June 6, 2023 by Gaeta

[Wiseman2]

16 hours ago, Lewis321 said:

We work together yes.

You may want to tread lightly in this case. Asking a coworker for casual sex (regardless of age) has some issues you'll need to consider and navigate appropriately.

[basil67]

How would you go about approaching her with what is essentially the message that she’s good enough for sex, but not good enough for a relationship?  It would be a highly insulting suggestion on your part.  After all, its not like she’s on a dating site and has said she’s open to something casual 

Do also consider that asking for casual sex from a woman in your workplace could easily be considered sexual harassment and you may get reported.  

Best not to poop where you eat. 

[Sony12]

Yeah as others have said as long as you two are honest with each other about the situation than there is nothing wrong with it. However I have always found that casual age gap relations work better when the woman is older (older women and younger men tend to be a little more compatible in my opinion than older men and younger women). Women who have been around the block a time or two already in their lives are much more mature than women who havn't and are usually better adapt at handling sexual relations. An older women is better at separating physical attraction and chemistry from love. And in all honesty most older women are better in bed anyways.

And while it is your choice I also though wouldn't get involved with a college aged girl that I work with. Work relations are a little risky to begin with regardless of age but going out with a 22 year old you work with is just throwing more flames into a fire that has already started.

 

 

Edited June 6, 2023 by Sony12

[glows]

Probably fine in theory and horrible in reality. Pass.

[ShyViolet]

22 can go either way.  If she is mature for her age it's a VERY different situation than if she is really immature for her age.  

[Will am I]

On 6/5/2023 at 6:31 PM, Lewis321 said:

I am 33, this girl I know is 22, there is mutual attraction but I am apprehensive to take things any further due to the age gap. What's your guys thoughts, I am only really looking to date and have something casual? 

I don’t see a problem. If things get serious, you two would have to talk about your goals and plans, but right now that’s not relevant yet.

When I was in university, years before I met my wife, I was in a relationship with a similar age gap the other way around. There were good reasons why the relationship ultimately didn’t work out. Age wasn’t one of them.

[smackie9]

Well there's no law against it BUT it is selfish to do so because you are both at different stages in life. She needs to be 22, and do what 22 year olds do. If you try and make this serious, she loses out in experiencing being at that age...almost being robbed of it. OK to hangout, have dinner, screw, but nothing any further than that as long as she's onboard with that...maybe limit time together. She needs to explore other options, hangout with her friends, etc...and not be tied down in a too mature for her relationship. I know how these things can go...feelings change then $%^& goes sideways. 

Edited June 6, 2023 by smackie9

[basil67]

Unless I had mentioned in passing (or had it on my dating profile) that I was open to a casual thing, I would find it inherently insulting if someone suggested that I was Ok for shagging and dates, but not good enough for a relationship.   Then there's the whole complexity of offering this to a workmate, and the workplace ending up weird and awkward for both of you.  

And I agree that the age difference is significant at this time of her life

 

[Ami1uwant]

On 6/5/2023 at 12:31 PM, Lewis321 said:

I am 33, this girl I know is 22, there is mutual attraction but I am apprehensive to take things any further due to the age gap. What's your guys thoughts, I am only really looking to date and have something casual? 

As others have said…her sge could be thr bigger problem than you being 12 yrs apart. If you were say 40 and dhe was 39 there wouldn’t be thst much of an issue. My “ niece” got married a month or so ago and had about the same age difference with him. She in early 30s, he early 40s.

 

with her 22 she is still likeky learning about her pself and life and whatshe wants and likes while you might thinking now about marriage and family.

[Will am I]

We're talking dating, not a committed relationship at this point.

 

Dating is casual and when carried out correctly it's respectful and it's fun for both parties. There is always a bit of awkwardness in working with someone you used to date. But when done right there shouldn't be any sour feelings if it doesn't evolve into a relationship. It should be like "we used to date for a while, we had some good times but we didn't level up" and there should not be awkwardness when you meet at the water cooler in the office.

 

Once things do get next level, then obviously the age gap becomes a factor. For example, there might be a certain rush to have children (although that would be more prevalent in relationships where the female is the older of the two). You might have the possibility to buy a home together quicker than if you were both 22. 

I think that in the evolution from dating to relationship  it becomes very important to speak about both your personal goals and plans. Recognize eachothers character. Not every 22 year old is a stereotypical spring break student. Some are. Not every 33 year old is dreaming of settling down. Some are. Depending on the characters your short term goals may be very close or miles apart. 

Be prepared that the difference in plans may be a deal breaker in an otherwise lovely relationship. And for smaller differences, be tolerant and leace space. If I were to be with a 22 year old I would encourage her to hang out with her friends and do 22 year old things. This is where you benefit from your maturity. 

 

[Alpacalia]

As long as you’re above the legal consent age, it’s nobody’s business how old either of you are.

OTH - Aiming for younger women because they're easier to manipulate/less experienced/to avoid commitment? Creepy.

Does it seem strange to you? That is a more pertinent question.

If you both feel comfortable with the age gap and casual dating and a workplace romance, it's fine.

Sounds like a lot of work, but it's her decision and yours.

Edited June 7, 2023 by Alpacalia

[basil67]

@Lewis321 I'm really confused.  Perhaps it's a regional issue.

Where I live, casual dating describes catching up for sex and some hanging out, but with mutual acceptance that they aren't going to be part of your future.  The other person is simply a placeholder until someone better comes along.   

Would you actually be open relationship with her?  Or would this proposition just for some sexy fun?

Edited June 7, 2023 by basil67

[Lewis321]

45 minutes ago, basil67 said:

@Lewis321 I'm really confused.  Perhaps it's a regional issue.

Where I live, casual dating describes catching up for sex and some hanging out, but with mutual acceptance that they aren't going to be part of your future.  The other person is simply a placeholder until someone better comes along.   

Would you actually be open relationship with her?  Or would this proposition just for some sexy fun?

Well that is what I want right now, to take different women out on different dates and then sex. If at any point I wanted something more serious with this girl or any other one regardless of age I would be happy to make things more serious/official. 

[Will am I]

9 minutes ago, Lewis321 said:

Well that is what I want right now, to take different women out on different dates and then sex.

Sex with a colleague does increase the chance of an awkward situation.

I think you should be careful with her and treat her the best you can. If at one point she wants to make love, that's awesome. From your side I would not push too much for it.

[Gaeta]

17 minutes ago, Lewis321 said:

Well that is what I want right now, to take different women out on different dates and then sex. If at any point I wanted something more serious with this girl or any other one regardless of age I would be happy to make things more serious/official. 

As per my long dating experience, that means you want nothing serious, it's just an empty phrase men say. I suggest you go 'play' outside of your work place. Your co-workers are going to know about it and you'll be seen as a creep and a player. Maybe you won't say anything about it but she will, it's women's nature to share. I have seen it many times at my office, 30ish sexy guy seducing the 20 yo receptionist, it always ended with her/them crying in my office and ALL the female staff knowing & hating the guy. 

[Will am I]

33 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

As per my long dating experience, that means you want nothing serious, it's just an empty phrase men say. I suggest you go 'play' outside of your work place. Your co-workers are going to know about it and you'll be seen as a creep and a player.

I think this is valuable perspective. 

@Lewis321 if you really fancy her, and dating serves to gently explore the compatibility of your personalities and plans, I believe this might work. If you plan is no more than a casual hookup with sex in mind, it's probably smarter to pursue women outside the workplace.

 

[glows]

57 minutes ago, Lewis321 said:

Well that is what I want right now, to take different women out on different dates and then sex. If at any point I wanted something more serious with this girl or any other one regardless of age I would be happy to make things more serious/official. 

 

On 6/5/2023 at 11:39 AM, Lewis321 said:

We work together yes.

Not a good idea.

I’m not certain where you work or what you do but this usually doesn’t come off very well to a larger audience or to many. On top of explaining yourself beforehand at length that this is “nothing serious”, you’re also trying to impart this to someone x years your junior with so much less experience and knowledge about dating, in the HOPES that the other person takes up what you’re putting down. Likelihood of a match is very low and let’s not discuss ages either as without the age difference, most people do find it difficult to remain objective at work after a romantic fall out. You’re gambling here with very low rate of success.

On the other hand if you don’t care much about your job, reputation, work or career, by all means. I don’t recommend it. The overall risk is not worth the play.