I finally made a decision to separate

[Adam123]

Hi all,

I am hurting, I have a heartache and not sure how to get through this.

Our journey began three years ago during the lockdown when I was pursuing my master's degree in London. I immediately felt a strong connection with him, and he felt the same way. We were deeply involved with each other to the point where I moved in with him in Oxford just six months later. However, when I moved in, the house was still unfinished. Despite being inexperienced, I took it upon myself to assist with tasks like flooring, painting, and tiling. Although it was unfamiliar territory for me, I was happy to contribute. During this time, I still had six months left to complete my master's degree.

Once we finished renovating the house, he faced a new challenge of remortgaging. He struggled with managing his finances, often dealing with overdrafts, loans, and overdue payments. Once again, I assumed the responsibility and decided to work alongside him. As he was a builder, we worked tirelessly for seven days, closing 12 stores. At times, we worked non-stop for 12 hours a day. Despite the emotional and physical drain, I was motivated by my strong feelings for him. After securing enough funds, the remortgaging process took nearly two months. 

At that point, our sex life was satisfactory, and we had great chemistry in bed. Given the significant time we spent together and the challenges we faced, we made the decision to get married. Due to ongoing lockdown restrictions, we had a small wedding ceremony. Things seemed wonderful and harmonious during this period. 

As I approached the end of my master's program and began searching for a job, I became less available and contributed less to his work. He expressed frustration, feeling that I wasn't helping as much as before. I made it clear that I hadn't signed up for physical labor, as I had degrees and ample experience in project management. Around this time, our sexual intimacy ceased. I attempted to initiate intimacy on a few occasions, but he showed no interest. He attributed this to work stress, fatigue, and body image concerns. After two months of abstinence, I grew easily irritated, and my behavior changed, becoming more irritable. To create some space, I decided to work in London from Monday to Thursday, returning to Oxford for the remaining days. We continued to communicate daily, but our sexual relationship remained nonexistent.

During these six months, he dedicated his time to working on the garden, which held great importance for him due to his love for plants. However, his financial situation deteriorated again as I was no longer managing his finances, and he had a tendency to overspend, particularly on plants and furniture. I eventually returned to Oxford as I was working remotely for a client and no longer needed to be in London. I assisted him with the garden until I developed a golf elbow injury, which forced me to stop. Additionally, I couldn't go to the gym for four months due to this injury. Despite my limitations, he continued to express frustration over my lack of assistance.

My partner owns the house, so he covers the mortgage and bills, while I handle food preparation, laundry, dog care, and payment for the weekly cleaner. He consistently argued that I should contribute more, but I contested this for various reasons. Primarily, I worried that any financial contribution I made would be spent on unnecessary items, and I was already managing all the household chores in addition to assisting with construction.

After a year of no sexual intimacy, I broached the subject again, but received no reasonable answer or explanation. The garden consumed most of his time, and he rarely spent quality time with me, always claiming to be busy. However, when his friends invited him out, he readily accepted. I expressed my frustration, resulting in frequent arguments. His response was to accuse me of selfish

ness and putting too much pressure on him. Although he was successful at work, he spent all his earnings on the garden, which ended up costing him over £40,000. Despite numerous conflicts and tensions, I decided to accept him as he was because I loved him. I suspected he might have ADHD, but I never brought it up because I knew he wouldn't accept the idea. I learned to let him do whatever made him happy and tried not to be a burden, but then he decided to purchase a Jaguar F-Type worth £65,000. I wasn't comfortable with this, considering our lack of sexual intimacy and the minimal time we spent together, apart from watching movies on the sofa at night. This situation continued until last May when he had a major accident that resulted in the car being written off. Thankfully, he wasn't seriously injured, but he incurred £20,000 in debt to the financing company. 

Following the accident, I was deeply concerned about his well-being. However, he directed his anger towards me when I questioned why he wants me to go and collect unnecessary items from the car, such as heavy tiles and a gym wristband, knowing that I don't drive and he can do this if he leaves work half an hour earlier as he is self-employed. This triggered me due to my past experiences with my father, who often manipulated me into providing financial assistance by using his position as my father. My partner adopted a similar approach, which led me to assert that he couldn't make me do things I didn't want to do. He responded with hurtful comments, claiming I had never been supportive as a spouse and hadn't stood by him during his accident. These accusations deeply wounded me because I had compromised my own happiness to be with him. I blamed him for nothing, and I even convinced myself that he had ADHD to avoid sounding too critical. Nevertheless, he remained unappreciative and continued to say hurtful things whenever he was stressed. However, this time was different for me. I was already in the process of purchasing an apartment in London that I intended to rent out. I couldn't ignore everything that had been said, so I asked him to give me some space. I slept in a separate room for a week and a half. Despite this, we continued discussing logistical matters such as my work in Bristol and his plans. 

Then came my birthday on May 29th. His best friend's birthday was on the 26th, and my partner left on Saturday evening to celebrate. He was supposed to return on Sunday since his friend had organized a party to which I wasn't invited. I was in pain, contemplating our separation, while he was enjoying himself. On Sunday, his mother informed me that he would be staying at his friend's place until Monday (my birthday). Overwhelmed with emotional turmoil, I messaged him expressing my pain and how unfair it seemed that he was having fun while I was suffering. He ignored my message. He returned on Monday, and that's when I told him I wanted a separation. We had a massive argument, during which I shared my feelings from the past two years, but he wouldn't listen. He was fixated on my emotional triggers and impulsive decision-making, claiming I had been unsupportive when he had the accident. The news of separation came as a shock to him, but I am convinced that it was the right decision. I chose to prioritize my own well-being and search for my own happiness. While I am plagued by heartache because I still love him, I've been isolating myself in my room since our argument. I'm giving him the space to process what has happened and to determine our next steps. You may wonder why we didn't consider couples therapy. Well, he believes he is fine and that nothing is wrong with him. He views sex as unnecessary and considers my requests to spend time together selfish, given his stressful life. At this point, I'm uncertain if I'm doing the right thing and feeling incredibly confused. I apologize for the lengthy details, but I would appreciate your feedback. Am I selfish, or am I being too hard on myself?

 

 

[Ageless Wisdom23]

It seems ever since reaching the end of your Master's, Becoming less Available, He began his own change.  Selfish, Spendthrift [ ] and Now, perhaps Asexual.  He enjoys being with his friends more and is not considering your own feelings.  This is no partner.  Good thing, However too Bad, You finally caught on to his bad behavior and his problems.  You are far better off alone.  See your lawyer.  I don't care for his treatment in being any kind of husband.  Blow out his own candles.😦

Edited June 3, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
armchair diagnosis

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened. You're making the right choice ending it and investing your time money and energy in yourself. Whatever his condition/injury is, is not the issue. His life is chaotic and irresponsible. Someone like this would drag you down.

[Lotsgoingon]

Not a close call at all. Get out ASAP.

Look I'll be blunt: moving in at 6 months was dumb, but OK--survivable dumb. But moving in and agreeing to do house fixing up--sorry, totally dumb. You were clearly blinded by love and by jumping in and "helping" him, you blinded yourself to all the red flags, that he NEEDED your help and didn't have the finances together. Worse, you got into "I'll please him" mode and you can't date in that mode. You'll only end up used and abused. You don't "please" a partner. You find a partner who is pleased with your day-to-day style, your life. 

Your love blindness of infatuation led in not too long to 12-hour workdays? Are you kidding me? Seven days a week? Surely some alarms were going off. What the heck were you doing? For the first year at least, you want to just hang out, go to concerts, dinners, travel, eat out, watch movies, go for walks. How the heck did you end up working 12 hour days seven days a week under the label of "romance"?

The long and short of things is that you failed to put him through a period when he displayed he was worth dating and worth going deep into relationship with. You just handed him your trust. Let people earn your trust. Earn it. You give your trust in increments (not all at once) to people as they earn it--in increments.

 

 

[glows]

You’re going to have to be the one to live with your decision. One thing I’ll share with you is have a clear focus on your goals and compatibility as people. Do you want the same things as individuals? Do you have the same core values? Do you have similar passions and interests? We already know that you both are mismatched in the way you spend money. Your priorities are not aligned nor compatible.

Less emphasis on feelings and emotions as you’re probably feeling a great deal of conflicting emotions.  
 
These are the issues that I dealt with and weighed through during my separation/divorce. Ultimately although I cared about the person (at the time) I actually deeply disliked him and what he had become due to the massive incompatibilities and mismatch in core values.

[ShyViolet]

There is no question that separating is the right decision.  This sounds like a horrible relationship and you need to get away from this man.  He sounds very irresponsible and selfish.  You need to recognize that you made some very bad decisions in this relationship.  Moving into his house at only 6 months.... that was a poor decision.  You should not have taken on the responsibility of renovating his house and managing his finances when you had been together less than a year.  That is not your place in such a new relationship and you failed to see the red flag that he was too irresponsible to manage these things himself.  Now you need to get out of this terrible situation and just end the marriage.

[Adam123]

6 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Not a close call at all. Get out ASAP.

Look I'll be blunt: moving in at 6 months was dumb, but OK--survivable dumb. But moving in and agreeing to do house fixing up--sorry, totally dumb. You were clearly blinded by love and by jumping in and "helping" him, you blinded yourself to all the red flags, that he NEEDED your help and didn't have the finances together. Worse, you got into "I'll please him" mode and you can't date in that mode. You'll only end up used and abused. You don't "please" a partner. You find a partner who is pleased with your day-to-day style, your life. 

Your love blindness of infatuation led in not too long to 12-hour workdays? Are you kidding me? Seven days a week? Surely some alarms were going off. What the heck were you doing? For the first year at least, you want to just hang out, go to concerts, dinners, travel, eat out, watch movies, go for walks. How the heck did you end up working 12 hour days seven days a week under the label of "romance"?

The long and short of things is that you failed to put him through a period when he displayed he was worth dating and worth going deep into relationship with. You just handed him your trust. Let people earn your trust. Earn it. You give your trust in increments (not all at once) to people as they earn it--in increments.

 

 

Thank you for sharing your perspectives and concerns. I appreciate the honesty in your feedback. It's true that I may have overlooked certain red flags and rushed into certain aspects of the relationship. Your points about setting healthy boundaries and allowing trust to be earned incrementally are valid.

Moving forward, I will take these insights into consideration and prioritize my own well-being. It's essential for me to establish a balanced dynamic in any relationship, where both partners are mutually supportive and respectful.

Thank you again for your input. It has given me valuable perspective to reflect upon.

[Adam123]

55 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

There is no question that separating is the right decision.  This sounds like a horrible relationship and you need to get away from this man.  He sounds very irresponsible and selfish.  You need to recognize that you made some very bad decisions in this relationship.  Moving into his house at only 6 months.... that was a poor decision.  You should not have taken on the responsibility of renovating his house and managing his finances when you had been together less than a year.  That is not your place in such a new relationship and you failed to see the red flag that he was too irresponsible to manage these things himself.  Now you need to get out of this terrible situation and just end the marriage.

I appreciate your directness and concern for my well-being. It's clear that you strongly believe separating from this relationship is the right decision. You're right that there were some poor decisions made, such as moving in and taking on significant responsibilities early on.

I understand the importance of recognizing and learning from these mistakes. Ending the marriage and removing myself from this situation is something I am seriously considering for my own happiness and well-being.

Thank you for your input and support during this difficult time.

[Adam123]

1 hour ago, glows said:

You’re going to have to be the one to live with your decision. One thing I’ll share with you is have a clear focus on your goals and compatibility as people. Do you want the same things as individuals? Do you have the same core values? Do you have similar passions and interests? We already know that you both are mismatched in the way you spend money. Your priorities are not aligned nor compatible.

Less emphasis on feelings and emotions as you’re probably feeling a great deal of conflicting emotions.  
 
These are the issues that I dealt with and weighed through during my separation/divorce. Ultimately although I cared about the person (at the time) I actually deeply disliked him and what he had become due to the massive incompatibilities and mismatch in core values.

You're right that ultimately I will have to live with the decision I make regarding my relationship. Thank you for emphasizing the importance of focusing on goals and compatibility as individuals. Evaluating whether we share the same desires, core values, and interests is crucial in determining the long-term viability of a relationship.

The mismatch in our financial habits and misaligned priorities is a significant concern that has created ongoing challenges. Your reminder to place less emphasis on immediate feelings and emotions and instead consider the deeper compatibility factors is valuable. 

I appreciate you sharing your personal experience with separation and divorce and thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts.

[JTSW]

It doesn't sound like there has been any relationship for the past year.

He checked out a long time ago.

He is a liability and expects you to pick up the pieces of his mess ups.

You deserve better.

Make the break and release yourself from this crap show. 

[stillafool]

Yes you are doing the right thing by leaving because it seems like he was using you.  When you could no longer help him with his work he no longer wanted to have sex with you.  You did too much for him in the beginning.  Don't do that with the next man you meet.