Interesting experience I had off of Match

[Sony12]

I had an interesting experience off of Match. I have had quite a bit of experience on dating sites and have been in a couple semi long term relationships off of them and am familiar with most of the ropes of those places. Though recently I did have an experience that I was a little more unfamiliar with. Most all the women I have dated and been out on dates with have all lived in the U.S. their entire lives and are familiar with the western dating culture. One of the latest ladies though that I talked to off of Match grew up in China and she just came over to the States after she started talking to (and got married to) an American guy. According to her they were married for about twelve years and got divorced two years ago and this was her first foray back into the dating world since her divorce.

Now I have to admit when I first got contacted by her (she sent me a like to start off with) I thought she was likely a fake profile as a few of her pics looked like they were taken in China. Yet she claimed she was in a small town in the midwest about an hour from where I live. For the first couple days my impression of the situation didn't change as she didn't have real good grammar and that is often the first indication in online dating that someone is a fake and I was merely continuing on the conversation out of curiosity all the while being pretty careful about what I shared with her. However after a few days she asked to have a video chat which surprised me a bit as most fakes won't ask to do that. She gave me her phone number (which was a local number) and I called a day or so later expecting to do a video chat. She picked up and sounded like someone who definitely wasn't originally from the U.S. but seemed nice and conversational. She elected not to do a video chat once we were actually talking on the phone (which didn't bother me that much since I don't really like doing video chats on the first phone call anyways as it almost feels like a date instead of just a phone call). At first I was put off a little because right away she asked me what my last name was. Now I'm not against sharing my last name prior to meeting but asking for my last name right off the bat seemed a little unusual. She seemed to quickly get over it though after I refused to give it and we went on to have a really good hour and a half long conversation. She also mentioned some locations that I know are around the town in which she said she lives in so that made me start thinking that she very well could be legitimately where her online profile said she was from. 

We actually set up a meeting at the end of our first phone conversation for the weekend after (which would have been this weekend) and continued to talk throughout the week having more hour plus long conversations and multiple texts during the day. She seemed extremely interested (which didn't surprise me as Asian cultures are a lot more serious about dating than the American culture tends to be in many instances) and I began to kind of feel sorry for her because I could see how she would feel all alone if she was indeed stuck in a small town in the midwest (she said the guy she married was from there and that is how she came to be in the town). Anyways the day before we were supposed to meet she all of a sudden asked me to show her my I.D. or drivers license when we met the next day. This seemed really strange and I told her no I tend not to share personal information like that with people I am just meeting. She insisted though and after a lengthy conversation the date ended up being called off because she kept on insisting on it and I decided that even if no ill will was meant by it and she indeed was just looking out for her own safety I felt the whole situation had pretty much been ruined and the date would wind up just being really awkward likely for the both of us. One interesting thing though is that during our final conversation she shared her facebook page with me and the pictures she had up on her facebook page looked quite a bit different than the pictures she shared over Match and other pictures she texted me. She looked quite a bit older in her facebook photos than she did in her photos she made available to people on the dating site (which of course isn't anything unheard of at all).

Anyways is it a little more normal in other cultures to demand personal info like that prior to officially dating than it is here in America? For me it doesn't matter because the situation was all but ruined but I know there isn't as much middle ground with a lot of Asian countries in regards to dating as there usually is for Americans. So would doing something like that be considered completely normal for them?

When all is said and done I do think she was legitimately from the location she said she was from (she said quite a few things that people who weren't local to the area likely wouldn't know) but at the same time I feel she may have played up how interested she really was and never did get over the fact that I wasn't sharing personal information with her.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited June 3, 2023 by Sony12

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

  continued to talk throughout the week having more hour plus long conversations and multiple texts during the day. Anyways the day before we were supposed to meet she all of a sudden asked me to show her my I.D. or drivers license 

Sorry this happened. Sounds like a scammer. Good you didn't meet or offer up information. This has nothing to do with cultural differences. 

Unmatch, delete and block her. Next time, screen for more local women and meet as soon as mutually convenient. 

Try not to get too caught up in chatting prior to meeting. That's how scammers try to rope you into their sob stories.

[Sony12]

25 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Sounds like a scammer. Good you didn't meet or offer up information. This has nothing to do with cultural differences. 

Unmatch, delete and block her. Next time, screen for more local women and meet as soon as mutually convenient. 

Try not to get too caught up in chatting prior to meeting. That's how scammers try to rope you into their sob stories.

Yep. If she was someone who was born in the States I wouldn't have thought much of the situation at all. But the fact that she wasn't did kind of make me feel sorry for her. Not sorry enough to give her personal info but sorry enough to spend a little time talking to her. And her photos were pretty cute. Of course since her facebook photos looked a lot different who knows if she still looked like that or if that was even her at all (the cat was in both the match and facebook photos though, lol).

Edited June 3, 2023 by Sony12

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

 sorry enough to spend a little time talking to her. And her photos were pretty cute. 

From the Wall Street Journal: "The more successful scammers spend significant time and effort on the grooming stage before engaging in an actual fraudulent act". 

This is why screening for local women and meeting asap is recommended. 

Was this a paid subscription to Match?  

[Gaeta]

Also sounds like a scammer to me. Scammers live amoung us too, especially the ones stealing identities....and could use or sell a copy of a drivers license. Everybody knows nowadays, even her,  how easy it is to have our identity stolen. She did not spend the last 14 years living under a rock, she knew what she was asking is sensitive information, she was hoping you were desperate enough to give it to her.

Edited June 3, 2023 by Gaeta

[Alpacalia]

I would also be very wary of someone asking for my last name and a copy of my ID. It was the right thing for you not to provide her with this information.

You're better off being safe than sorry.

She might have asked for that information so she could do a background check on you to make sure you aren't a scammer yourself or married or worse.

Which is not surprising considering that she is from another country and was only recently divorced and venturing back into the dating world. It may have just been her being wary and wanting to make sure she was putting herself in safe and secure situations.

Whatever the case may be, either she's using it as an assurance you didn’t lie to her and/or won’t hurt her which, while smart, is an off-putting approach, or she has nefarious intentions.

Not giving out personal information past basics until some level of mutual comfort is established is a good idea.

[Lotsgoingon]

Don't ask: is it "normal" for someone from a particular culture to do X or Y. Who cares what someone else thinks is normal?

That's irrelevant. The only relevant question ist, do I feel comfortable? You're no part of some cultural exchange program or anthropology study. You're trying to find someone who feels safe and who is compatible with you.

Red flag for you: you don't "feel sorry" for someone and decide to go see them. That's social work or charity. You go see them because you are fired up and what to go see them. No, I wouldn't give anyone that information or i.d. photo. Heck no! Your alarms should be going off. The safety comes from meeting in a public place with lots of people around. Period! If she ain't comfortable meeting in public, then skip her. 

 

[Sony12]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

From the Wall Street Journal: "The more successful scammers spend significant time and effort on the grooming stage before engaging in an actual fraudulent act". 

This is why screening for local women and meeting asap is recommended. 

Was this a paid subscription to Match?  

Yep she was a member.

[Sony12]

3 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Also sounds like a scammer to me. Scammers live amoung us too, especially the ones stealing identities....and could use or sell a copy of a drivers license. Everybody knows nowadays, even her,  how easy it is to have our identity stolen. She did not spend the last 14 years living under a rock, she knew what she was asking is sensitive information, she was hoping you were desperate enough to give it to her.

That's true that even if she legitimately was currently living in the location she said she was that still doesn't mean she couldn't have been a scammer and trying to get information from people. Often times we have the assumption that people that don't speak great English and ask for stuff prior to even meeting are individuals talking to you who are actually somewhere else in the world. But that doesn't necessarily need to be the case. Sometimes they can still be completely honest about their lives but still be looking to get info from people. Lol, makes the people just looking for a little casual sex off the internet seem pretty innocent.

[Sony12]

2 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

I would also be very wary of someone asking for my last name and a copy of my ID. It was the right thing for you not to provide her with this information.

You're better off being safe than sorry.

She might have asked for that information so she could do a background check on you to make sure you aren't a scammer yourself or married or worse.

Which is not surprising considering that she is from another country and was only recently divorced and venturing back into the dating world. It may have just been her being wary and wanting to make sure she was putting herself in safe and secure situations.

Whatever the case may be, either she's using it as an assurance you didn’t lie to her and/or won’t hurt her which, while smart, is an off-putting approach, or she has nefarious intentions.

Not giving out personal information past basics until some level of mutual comfort is established is a good idea.

Yeah and that's why I didn't just immediately close off communication with her when she asked for that because I did feel that she was potentially just trying to protect herself. But regardless her approach was extremely off-putting and I was probably nicer to her about it than a lot of people would have been. Whatever the situation she definitely needs a lesson or two in dating site tact.

Interestingly since we called off the date she has logged back onto her profile (she hadn't been on since we started talking/texting over the phone) and removed about half her photos (many of the more revealing ones). She didn't show any nudity in her photos but did have a few photos that made it look like she may have been either naked or partially naked when the photo was taken and other ones that were clearly seductive poses. Most of those are now gone.

 

Edited June 3, 2023 by Sony12

[Wiseman2]

51 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

. She didn't show any nudity in her photos but did have a few photos that made it look like she may have been either naked or partially naked 

Racy pics + asking for personal ID = scammer. It's really that simple. It's about baiting, targeting and grooming, not culture.

[Sony12]

33 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Racy pics + asking for personal ID = scammer. It's really that simple. It's about baiting, targeting and grooming, not culture.

Perhaps. However half the women on dating sites these days (perhaps more than half) have photos up where they are trying to reveal their body a bit (if you are interested in looking at cleavage pics on dating sites you definitely don't have to search very long these days). So I'm not sure revealing pics should automatically be categorized in with scamming situations. This lady likely would have had revealing pics up regardless if she was a scammer or indeed was just trying to protect herself against people that could potentially hurt her.

What was a little more of a red flag for me than the revealing pics she had up was that she looked a little different in her facebook photos than she did in the pics she was putting up on match. That perhaps she was only sharing old photos of herself with matches or perhaps pics of someone else. If those match photos were recent pics than she had a hellacious amount of makeup on and perhaps her facebook photos were her more natural look.

Edited June 3, 2023 by Sony12

[glows]

Sounds like just a plain weirdo. You did  the right thing. Skip and leave it. What was interesting is you continued engaging as if toying with the situation also acknowledging you felt sorry for her being in a country alone etc etc. Was it like watching a train wreck or ?? You followed this wanting to see where it would land and it was garbage. You seem to have good instincts, avoid pity dates and feeling sorry. You can do better.

[smackie9]

Ya if it doesn't feel right, that's because it's not. I agree scammers are getting way more clever.

If they don't accept NO as an answer when it comes to personal info, or come up with all kinds of excuses as to why they can't meet or why they cancel dates, it's a scam 100%.

FACT: there is software scammers use that shows a local phone number to hide their actual location. Sometimes they will use number ID of legitimate businesses like financial institutions, government, etc. They can hack your phone, and call from a number in your contacts.

[Alpacalia]

4 hours ago, Sony12 said:

Yeah and that's why I didn't just immediately close off communication with her when she asked for that because I did feel that she was potentially just trying to protect herself. But regardless her approach was extremely off-putting and I was probably nicer to her about it than a lot of people would have been. Whatever the situation she definitely needs a lesson or two in dating site tact.

Interestingly since we called off the date she has logged back onto her profile (she hadn't been on since we started talking/texting over the phone) and removed about half her photos (many of the more revealing ones). She didn't show any nudity in her photos but did have a few photos that made it look like she may have been either naked or partially naked when the photo was taken and other ones that were clearly seductive poses. Most of those are now gone.

 

Nudie pics and last name plus ID. Yeah, pass.

As a woman, I certainly wouldn't give my last name and driver's license info.

My main concern would be crazies, and what they can do with a name: show up at work, to my activities, to my house, etc.

Scammers are, however, a legitimate concern. 

Normally I would say most women would prefer to avoid a situation where her head ends up in a trash can. Once you make plans to meet in person, it's important and reasonable for safety. Like any smart woman who has experienced online dating, a lot do want to ensure that the guy their meeting is not married, homeless, or wanted in multiple states. She could use your info to Google you a few hundred times, find out how many people share your name, discover your age and hometown, or maybe even perform a basic background check to see if you have any DUIs.

Insider published an article that recommended asking for the person's full name and social media handles before meeting. It's now considered a red flag if the person doesn't give those things or doesn't have social media. People Only Know First Names During Dates — and It's Not OK (insider.com)

Onwards. 

[Sony12]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

Nudie pics and last name plus ID. Yeah, pass.

As a woman, I certainly wouldn't give my last name and driver's license info.

My main concern would be crazies, and what they can do with a name: show up at work, to my activities, to my house, etc.

Scammers are, however, a legitimate concern. 

Normally I would say most women would prefer to avoid a situation where her head ends up in a trash can. Once you make plans to meet in person, it's important and reasonable for safety. Like any smart woman who has experienced online dating, a lot do want to ensure that the guy their meeting is not married, homeless, or wanted in multiple states. She could use your info to Google you a few hundred times, find out how many people share your name, discover your age and hometown, or maybe even perform a basic background check to see if you have any DUIs.

Insider published an article that recommended asking for the person's full name and social media handles before meeting. It's now considered a red flag if the person doesn't give those things or doesn't have social media. People Only Know First Names During Dates — and It's Not OK (insider.com)

Onwards. 

 

I honestly don't really think much of articles like that as I feel like they help develop poor dating etiquette. Sure it is important for women to feel safe but there also are much better ways to help ensure your safety than being intrusive towards dates (many of whom they don't have much evidence for the need to be intrusive towards). You can generally spot most red flags prior to meeting if you actually spend a little time talking to them prior to the date (that is the one of the main reasons why bad situations happen because a lot of people simply don't talk to potential dates enough). They could often easily discover that the person probably isn't someone they should meet simply by having a conversation with them as most red flags can be spotted during a conversation if you are keen to the things you should pay attention to.

 

Secondly always make sure you meet in a public place and don't place yourself in a private location with them until you are pretty confident they are a decent person.

 

Thirdly don't have sex on the first date unless you are real confident they are safe. I imagine most online dating horror stories that occurred happen because those three things weren't followed. And unfortunately instead of following basic rules of dating safely people decide to listen to articles like that that tell them it is ok to be rude towards potential dates (99% of whom have no intention whatsoever of causing the lady any physical harm).

Edited June 3, 2023 by Sony12

[mortensorchid]

This is a scammer to be sure.  Did you see that Netflix documentary about that college football player with the girlfriend who didn't exist?  Watch and learn.