How to know when to call it quits?

[whichpathisright]

I'm at a crossroads with my partner of 2 years. He seems to be a good match for me BUT...

his behavior is inconsistent sometimes; specifically, he can be concerned about my well being but other times he is self centered so it's confusing.

he can be very pushy to the point of making me laugh or cry on things that I've tried to pace him like living together he does pull back a little and then before I know it I'm dealing with his pushiness again

we both care for one another but I feel exhausted from dealing with him sometimes and also trying to figure out what to do...I'm exhausted and admit to not necessarily looking forward to seeing him and this has been going on for several months. I don't know if this is because I don't want to deal with his bad behavior or I don't care anymore? How do I know??

[stillafool]

My goodness if you're exhausted from dealing with him whatever you do don't move in with him.  Perhaps you need to think long and hard whether to even stay in this relatiionship if it's causing you this much stress.  Be glad you aren't married to him.

[BaileyB]

Healthy and mature relationships are generally calm relationships. 

It shouldn’t really be this hard. If you are not looking forward to spending time with him and he causes you this much stress, it’s time to reevaluate the future of this relationship.

Whatever do you - don’t stay or move in with the man thinking/hoping that he is going to change. Either you love the man that he is now, or you need to end it. And let’s be honest - we care about each other and we get along sometimes does not mean that he is a good or healthy long term relationship partner for you. The fact that you feel pressured, stressed, exhausted, annoyed would very much indicate otherwise

[smackie9]

Hot/cold people are not relationship material and should be avoided. You have been in this for 2 years and nothing has changed. He is who he is, and you can't fix that. You need to take care of wellbeing by cutting him loose. 

[Gaeta]

Who needs an enemy when you got a boyfriend pushing you to the point of tears, pressuring you & acting selfish eh!

How you know? You already know, it's all written very clearly right here. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, whichpathisright said:

.I've tried to pace him like living together. I'm exhausted and admit to not necessarily looking forward to seeing him . I don't want to deal with his bad behavior 

How old is he? What are the arguments about? Do you have similar goals and values?

What do you mean by "tried to pace him about living together"?

Unfortunately you're not happy and he seems to be steering you in directions you don't want.  If you're exhausted by his bad behavior, it's time to cut your losses.

[whichpathisright]

I think I figured out he is very uncomfortable being alone. I can be alone and be ok with it and only want to be with someone if we are compatible. I think because he doesn't want to be alone he is really pushing the living together thing. I don't feel that compelled at this point.

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, whichpathisright said:

 he is really pushing the living together thing. I don't feel that compelled at this point.

Please don't do this. Set yourself free.

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, whichpathisright said:

he doesn't want to be alone he is really pushing the living together thing. I don't feel that compelled at this point.

Would living together mean you have to purchase a house together by any chance?

[glows]

4 hours ago, whichpathisright said:

I think I figured out he is very uncomfortable being alone. I can be alone and be ok with it and only want to be with someone if we are compatible. I think because he doesn't want to be alone he is really pushing the living together thing. I don't feel that compelled at this point.

It’s probably best to be honest about that. For some not progressing at a certain pace to living together ends up being a dealbreaker. 

Why is he so uncomfortable being alone? Can he pay his own bills etc or is he having troubles? 

[JTSW]

Please don't move in with him.

Your relationship is not healthy.

[stillafool]

13 hours ago, whichpathisright said:

I think I figured out he is very uncomfortable being alone. I can be alone and be ok with it and only want to be with someone if we are compatible. I think because he doesn't want to be alone he is really pushing the living together thing. I don't feel that compelled at this point.

For all you know he could want you to move in for financial reasons.  He's pushing too hard, so something is up other than just wanting you there.

[whichpathisright]

I spoke to him and he has promised to wait until I'm ready to live together. He even offered to buy his own home closer to me so he can see me more often.

However, when I arrived at his place, I told him I did not want to continue the relationship because I think we are  incompatible in the long run. I explained to him that I thought he had difficulties with spending money and that made me very uncomfortable.  

As an example, I was coming to him for just a three day weekend and there is only one parking space in the buildings garage that he rents. Other than that, you have to go and pay for parking until at least during the day Saturday. When I visited him a few weekends ago , even though I had my baggage, he told me to go park a few blocks away in an open lot so I did that but I must say I was a little perturbed. I had to pay for the parking for the whole day and leave my nice car in an open lot and no security all night And then go back the next day take my car and take it back to a garage where they don’t charge on the weekends. I didn’t make a fuss.

However, I had decided that since I was going to visit him this weekend if he didn’t offer me his spot just for the 2 days so I can at least get my baggage out , I figured I had one big problem. I cannot be with somebody who is so self-centered and inconsiderate. The only thing he offered today was that if I stopped in front of the apartment building and texted him, he would come down and pick up my bag and then I would have to go to find parking.  I know this sounds trivial but to me it was the combination of somebody who sometimes acts so selfishly I am just not accustomed to it. He can be generous if we go out for meals he always pays but yet other times especially if we go grocery shopping , I pay I’ve many occasions and I don’t have any particular issue with that but I definitely have an issue with his behavior a few weeks ago and again today. There seems to definitely be a pattern where he  becomes completely oblivious to what the right thing is to do   By the way, it’s a 1 Hour drive to his place so I drove for an hour and then first had to find parking.

Today, I decided not to bring a suitcase, and just to go to break up with him. He is pleading and begging with me not to break up , I appreciate that but what I don’t appreciate is that he is bringing up old news about times that he felt slighted or hurt from last year things that he’s already discussed with me as his defense to his actions. He does admit, he made a mistake in terms of not accommodating me to park and bring my baggage up , but said there are many things that he was hurt by but yet he didn’t break up with me. I can understand this but reluctant to give him a second chance because I don’t think he’s really going to change that. I don’t think most people can make that change, especially later in life. He tends to be frugal, and he also tends to be selfish and not  even aware of what my needs are. He also has a habit of making plans for us and I’ve told him in the past please don’t do this without talking to me first but he did it again this past week went ahead and made dinner plans with another couple without even saying anything to me other than telling me by text.

now he’s offering to come to me with flowers and he says do anything and everything he has to keep our  relationship. He also sent to me a Venmo with some of the money I spent on rent (2 months worth).  I don’t want additional heartache for either of us. I really don’t know what to do , I feel on the one hand I should give him a second chance, but I have been through something similar in prior relationships and it only gets worse. The final thing is there is a trip we had planned in July overseas with another couple friend of his, and he’s begging me to go on that trip, which he has decided to pay for totally on his own even though the expectation was I’d pay half as I usually do.  What do I do about that? 

Edited June 10, 2023 by whichpathisright

[Wiseman2]

19 minutes ago, whichpathisright said:

  , I feel on the one hand I should give him a second chance, but I have been through something similar in prior relationships and it only gets worse. 

Be careful not to get into the "the devil you know" trap and fall back into an unhappy relationship wishing and hoping he'll change. He may be on best behavior for a while, but do you really believe he had an epiphany and changed his basic character?

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, whichpathisright said:

The only thing he offered today was that if I stopped in front of the apartment building and texted him, he would come down and pick up my bag and then I would have to go to find parking.

I hate to say it, but I would have done the same. I lived in an apartment building like this for years - I never gave up my parking spot for any visitor. I think it’s very fair for him to come get your bags, and you can go and park your own car. 

1 hour ago, whichpathisright said:

He can be generous if we go out for meals he always pays

Why does he always pay? Why don’t you buy your own meal, or you pay one meal and he pay the other? This sounds like a rather selfish expectation on your part. 

1 hour ago, whichpathisright said:

yet other times especially if we go grocery shopping , I pay I’ve many occasions

Yeah, I’ve done that for years with my partner. If we were at his house, I would buy some groceries for meals. No big deal. We live together now and we still alternate who pays for groceries/meals. It’s only fair. 

1 hour ago, whichpathisright said:

it’s a 1 Hour drive to his place so I drove for an hour and then first had to find parking.

Does he never drive the hour to visit you? I mean, the guy volunteered to move closer to you to make it easier - sounds like he is more than willing to do his part to compromise. 

If you are always driving to see him, sure it would be nice if he greeted you with help to park, or a glass of wine, or a nice dinner he has paid for. But, an hour where I live is across the city - not a huge deal. Only a big deal if you are the only one driving.

Have you talked with him and told him how you feel to be the only one driving and what would make this better for you… then you can’t really blame the guy for not falling on his sword to make you feel better. He can’t do what will make you happy unless you tell him what makes you happy. If you have unwritten expectations, that will cause problems in any relationship. 

1 hour ago, whichpathisright said:

He also has a habit of making plans for us and I’ve told him in the past please don’t do this without talking to me first but he did it again this past week went ahead and made dinner plans with another couple without even saying anything to me other than telling me by text.

Agree, he should at least ask if you are free and you want to meet up.

Look, I’m not telling you not to breakup with this guy. As I said above, if you are not looking forward to seeing him and this relationship is causing you stress, it’s not the right relationship for you. You sound like your decision is made, so stick with that.

I don’t know him, obviously, but I have to say that the examples that you have shared doesn’t seem so selfish to me that it’s worth breaking up. If you are not feeling it anymore, you are not feeling it. That’s ok - move on and find someone who is more in line with your expectations. 

Edited June 10, 2023 by BaileyB

[whichpathisright]

would it have changed your mind if I tell you I paid for the parking spot this month?

[BaileyB]

You paid for his parking spot? Why did you do that?

[glows]

So did you rent a parking spot in his building for the month? 

I think it’s odd he’s begging you to stay or so desperate to keep you when you appear this unhappy. 

My view is if you have food to buy get it yourself - never expect someone else to buy your groceries. If you need to find parking your car is your responsibility - not someone else’s. 

If you were able to find closer parking, more reliable and secure parking as well, closer or in his buildings, great. Problem solved.

Do you feel you’re just not attracted to this guy anymore? It’s fine if he turns you off. You don’t have to force yourself to be with someone you dislike.

[stillafool]

Is it fair that he should have to give up his parking place so you can park there.  No I don't think so.  It was polite that he wanted to come down and carry your suitcase so you didn't have to carry it.  He did offer to move closer to you, why didn't you accept his offer? You sound terribly unhappy in this relationship and should probably end it and find someone more to your liking.

4 hours ago, whichpathisright said:

The final thing is there is a trip we had planned in July overseas with another couple friend of his, and he’s begging me to go on that trip, which he has decided to pay for totally on his own even though the expectation was I’d pay half as I usually do.  What do I do about that? 

You did tell him not to make plans without consulting you first.   He went ahead and paid without asking you so tell him ASAP you aren't going and hopefully he can get his money back (that's doubtful) so it's up to you whether you want to reimburse him or not.  He shouldn't have paid before asking you first.  This will be an expensive lesson for him to learn.

[Lotsgoingon]

You've already given him dozens of chances, probably hundreds of chances over two years, by putting up with his nonsense all this time, including the most recent nonsense. 

The question isn't  "how do you know?"

The question is "how confident and self-respecting are you?"

 

[Ageless Wisdom23]

Perhaps, It is time for a Break.  Take some time to see if you both would be Missing the Kissing.  It appears to be what I always refer to as a "Full Circle problem pattern" and it happens a lot in many relationships.  With a Break, You may realize maybe  this can all be worked out or to try and be friends.  Whichever would be healthier for you both.  You could even try counseling for couples.  Don't let it get to the point where it is truly toxic.

Edited June 11, 2023 by Ageless Wisdom23

[Wiseman2]

20 hours ago, whichpathisright said:

would it have changed your mind if I tell you I paid for the parking spot this month?

It seems like you may be overinvesting in a situation that makes you unhappy and frustrated. Bickering about money is a symptom of much bigger personality conflicts and incompatibilities.