ExpatInItaly Posted June 3, 2023 Posted June 3, 2023 No, they are generally not effective, and usually do more harm than good. If you feel like you need a break to find out if you want to be with someone, then you are dating the wrong person.
basil67 Posted June 3, 2023 Posted June 3, 2023 Your update tells me that you need to end this. While it's true that things aren't as new and exciting after the honeymoon period ends, in a good relationship you won't ever want to risk losing them. While there may be hiccups to overcome, if this the right person for you, you won't have doubts of this level. A relationship doesn't need to be bad to end. Simply finding that you don't actually care that much anymore is a good reason in itself. 3
Wiseman2 Posted June 3, 2023 Posted June 3, 2023 On 5/31/2023 at 3:55 PM, thinker89 said: I will continue to date her and see where this could go. Unfortunately you seem to be looking for approval to string her along. You mentioned you like her enough to hang out, but "her personality annoys you". The longer you string her along the uglier it could get when it ends. Set both yourselves free. 1
BaileyB Posted June 4, 2023 Posted June 4, 2023 (edited) If someone gets to the place where they feel like they need a break from their relationship, that is a sign that it’s time to end the relationship. Relationships don’t “improve” by taking time away from your partner. And as Basil said above, if you truly loved her, you would not want to lose her. It’s ok to want to have other experiences. You are young - this is what young people are supposed to do - date and experience life. What you can not do is string her along if you are unsure or expect her to wait while you take a “break” and date other girls. If you are this unsure, you need to do her the kindness of letting her find someone who is sure. Edited June 4, 2023 by BaileyB 2
Alvi Posted June 4, 2023 Posted June 4, 2023 Taking a break from a relationship is kind of selfish. By not officially breaking off the relationship you are giving another person a false hope. While you do what you do during the break, it is often leaves the other person hanging in the uncertainty. Some people want to explore singlehood or date others while still having someone around the corner waiting for them while they are making up their mind. How long would the break last and do you really expect her to put her life on the hold waiting for you? This is not fair to her and she doesn't deserve this. Would you want to be on the receiving end if your GF decided to take a break from dating you? How would that make you feel? Look, you are either all in or get out. Like others have said before, it is totally fine to break things off with your GF and to go on to explore new experiences. Treat others the way you want to be treated. 2
introverted1 Posted June 4, 2023 Posted June 4, 2023 21 hours ago, thinker89 said: My question is are breaks effective in helping you figure out if the person you’re with is someone you really love or need or in another sense help me realize that I actually like this person more than I do realize. I just feel uncertain about the relationship. Our relationship is okay but because that spark has gone away I am in a feeling of worry of whether or not it will workout in the long run. I’ve thought about taking a break before with her because I feel like it may help me realize that “hey I don’t really like her that much” or “hey you need to stay with this girl, you like her so much more than you realize”. Just looking for everyone’s thoughts and opinions on breaks. Others have made good points about breaks. I just want to add that, even if you are convinced that break would help bring clarity to you, it will likely destroy trust and good feelings for your gf. So even if you were to decide after the break that you wanted to be with her, there's a good chance that you will have done enough damage that she will either refuse to get back together or she'll agree but things will never be right again. 2
Wiseman2 Posted June 4, 2023 Posted June 4, 2023 On 5/29/2023 at 9:35 AM, thinker89 said: . Some things she does bother me and certain things about her personality bother me. how I’ve felt in past relationships with others is different than I feel with her. I felt more love in the past Are you on the rebound? You seem to be comparing her to your former relationships quite unfavorably. If she "bothers you", it's time to let go.
Author thinker89 Posted June 4, 2023 Author Posted June 4, 2023 1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said: Are you on the rebound? You seem to be comparing her to your former relationships quite unfavorably. If she "bothers you", it's time to let go. I actually think that is my main issue. This is my first serious relationship since my ex but there was over a year gap before this one started. How do I stop myself from comparing her to my previous relationship? I understand every relationship is different but I believe I do compare her to my last relationship which could be what’s causing the doubt. My brain recognizes that this relationship is different but that’s normal and for some reason I still compare and because it isn’t exactly the same may be the cause for doubt.
glows Posted June 4, 2023 Posted June 4, 2023 Did you make peace with the end of the last relationship? Why did you break up? A year is not very long and plenty of people take longer than that between relationships. There’s no real rule about how long a person takes to heal and make peace with the past. Are you still in contact with your ex especially on social media or meet ups with mutual friends? 1
BaileyB Posted June 4, 2023 Posted June 4, 2023 1 hour ago, thinker89 said: I understand every relationship is different but I believe I do compare her to my last relationship which could be what’s causing the doubt. If you are this confused, you may want to consider counselling. A few sessions would likely be very helpful - for this, and any future relationships.
Author thinker89 Posted June 4, 2023 Author Posted June 4, 2023 3 hours ago, BaileyB said: If you are this confused, you may want to consider counselling. A few sessions would likely be very helpful - for this, and any future relationships. I have considered it but I can’t find anything affordable.
basil67 Posted June 5, 2023 Posted June 5, 2023 (edited) 12 hours ago, thinker89 said: I actually think that is my main issue. This is my first serious relationship since my ex but there was over a year gap before this one started. How do I stop myself from comparing her to my previous relationship? I understand every relationship is different but I believe I do compare her to my last relationship which could be what’s causing the doubt. My brain recognizes that this relationship is different but that’s normal and for some reason I still compare and because it isn’t exactly the same may be the cause for doubt. In my experience, it's normal to compare relationships. When I met my now husband, I couldn't help but compare him to exes....and my comparisons told me that he was much, much better than previous ones. If this new girl isn't blowing you away compared to girls in the past, then she's not your person. Edited June 5, 2023 by basil67
Weezy1973 Posted June 5, 2023 Posted June 5, 2023 47 minutes ago, basil67 said: If this new girl isn't blowing you away compared to girls in the past, then she's not your person. This isn’t necessarily true. It depends upon how you define “blowing you away”. Emotionally mature relationships are not super intense roller coasters. They’re calm, predictable and even boring at times. OP if you’re expecting intense fireworks throughout the relationship, indeed you will be disappointed.
basil67 Posted June 5, 2023 Posted June 5, 2023 1 hour ago, Weezy1973 said: This isn’t necessarily true. It depends upon how you define “blowing you away”. Emotionally mature relationships are not super intense roller coasters. They’re calm, predictable and even boring at times. OP if you’re expecting intense fireworks throughout the relationship, indeed you will be disappointed. I don't know where you got 'roller coaster' from, be it super intense or otherwise. It simply started out much much better than anything I'd had before, and 30 years later, still is.
Wiseman2 Posted June 5, 2023 Posted June 5, 2023 13 hours ago, thinker89 said: I have considered it but I can’t find anything affordable. Please see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done. Make sure you're healthy and don't have underlying treatable issues. Discuss the inertia,apathy and ruminating. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. See if your healthcare insurance covers doctor's visits and if your healthcare providers and insurance can recommend affordable care.
Gaeta Posted June 5, 2023 Posted June 5, 2023 23 hours ago, thinker89 said: I actually think that is my main issue. This is my first serious relationship since my ex but there was over a year gap before this one started. How do I stop myself from comparing her to my previous relationship? I understand every relationship is different but I believe I do compare her to my last relationship which could be what’s causing the doubt. My brain recognizes that this relationship is different but that’s normal and for some reason I still compare and because it isn’t exactly the same may be the cause for doubt. Maybe it's not about your ex per say. Maybe there was something important in your relationship with your ex that you will always need in a relationship, no matter with whom. Identify that. A year after my breakup I went back to dating and met a nice man. I continually compared him to my ex and I could not identify why because this new man was quite a gentleman. With a bit of introspection I realized what was missing from this new man was a sense of humor. My ex was funny as hell - I did not miss my ex, I was missing laughing every day, then thinking back every man I had been in long terms relationships had a huge sense of humor. I stopped dating this man and continued my search and found my current boyfriend, he has all the qualities I am looking for in a man + a huge sense of humor and I am back at laughing every day!
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