after honeymoon phase. UPDATE: do breaks work?

[thinker89]

I think I have just basically exited the honeymoon phase with my gf. We’ve been dating for about 8 months now. I do still care for her but I’m not sure if I love her now that I have exited that phase. Some things she does bother me and certain things about her personality bother me. It is nothing major that would stop me from being with someone though. I guess I would know if I really did love her at this point. I definitely care for her I’m just not sure if I love her. Or at least how I’ve felt in past relationships with others is different than I feel with her. I felt more love in the past with other girls. I’m not really sure what to think about this.

Edited June 3, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
merged thread

[Wiseman2]

21 minutes ago, thinker89 said:

. Some things she does bother me and certain things about her personality bother me. 

How old is she? 7 mos is a good time to reassess things such as attraction and compatibility. How does she feel? What don't you like about her?

In this case you're feeling meh about her so you may want to consider whether to cut your losses or just coast along. Reflect if you should set both yourselves free to find someone who you're more into.

[smackie9]

That's why we date....to see how we get along and if they have it for the long haul. How you feel is normal and it happens. You should end the relationship if you don't have true feelings for her.  

[stillafool]

It's okay because it's around the 6 to 9 months in is when people know if they want to go further with someone or not.  You aren't feeling it as much anymore so it's important to let her go as soon as possible so you don't waste her time.  Be respectful in the breakup.

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, thinker89 said:

I think I have just basically exited the honeymoon phase with my gf. We’ve been dating for about 8 months now. I do still care for her but I’m not sure if I love her now that I have exited that phase. Some things she does bother me and certain things about her personality bother me. It is nothing major that would stop me from being with someone though. I guess I would know if I really did love her at this point. I definitely care for her I’m just not sure if I love her. Or at least how I’ve felt in past relationships with others is different than I feel with her. I felt more love in the past with other girls. I’m not really sure what to think about this.

Have you ever dated someone longer than 8 months? Maybe it's the first time you are dating that long so you've never experienced this new relationship phase. 

You will never date someone long term that is perfect. There will always be a little something about their personality hitting your nerve, no one is perfect. Loving someone is wanting to be with them including their little annoying habits. I am sure you have little habits that are annoying her as well. 

If you don't feel it then end it but if you still have this urge to be with her, to make plans with her, if you miss her when she's not there, then don't be so quick to think you might not 'love her'. You may want to revisit what is your definition of 'love'. A mature love has nothing to do with excitement and butterflies, it's about feeling complete & content. 

[ShyViolet]

There seems to be some confusion here about what the "honeymoon phase" is.  If you are starting to feel that you're not sure if you love her, and some things about her personality really bother you, that has nothing to do with the honeymoon phase ending.  In a relationship that is working, the honeymoon phase ends but you don't question whether you love the person.  A lot more is going on here than the honeymoon phase ending..... it sounds like you are not that into her anymore.  Stop wasting her time and end it if you are feeling not that into the relationship anymore.  At only 8 months, it's not normal to feel this way in a relationship and it's a sign that it's not going to last.

[BaileyB]

Further to what was said above, there are always going to be things about your partner that annoy you. And, there are even going to be times when you don’t feel that same attraction/affection for your partner. 

The end of the honeymoon phase marks the end of romantic love - the time when you are learning about your partner, having all those “first” experiences, and the hormones are flooding your brain. 

Long term relationships will move from the romantic love stage to a new phase of the relationship - where compatibility, companionship, intimacy, among other things form the basis of the relationship. 

While attraction and affection are important in all relationships - you should never decide the future of a relationship based on whether you still feel the attraction and excitement of a new, romantic relationship. This is the time when you look deeper - are you compatible? Do you enjoy talking with each other and spending time together? Do you share the same values and goals in life? Are you connecting physically, emotionally, and in your communication style? If these things are not happening - that’s when you end a relationship. 

That said, if you are annoyed by her personality and not feeling it anymore… please let her find someone who will love her despite - you know what I’m saying. 

[Ami1uwant]

Fantasy vs reality…..honeymoon phase in dating wears off and then you start seeing people not on their best behavior and seeing how they are in the mundane part of libpve.

 

this is where you self reflect on these issues and see if they are non- negotiable or can be talked about and fixed.

[Lotsgoingon]

I say be careful about the word "love" as in you don't know if you still love her. 

What does that mean? You got a love meter? Has the meter recorded lower levels of love? 

Much better to just ask yourself whether you want to be with the person.  Or ask whether or not you still feel great when with the person and so on. 

You can "love" someone (whatever that means) and still know the relationship ain't for you. 

Edited May 30, 2023 by Lotsgoingon

[thinker89]

2 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

I say be careful about the word "love" as in you don't know if you still love her. 

What does that mean? You got a love meter? Has the meter recorded lower levels of love? 

Much better to just ask yourself whether you want to be with the person.  Or ask whether or not you still feel great when with the person and so on. 

You can "love" someone (whatever that means) and still know the relationship ain't for you. 

It’s weird because I’m happy and content when I’m with her and I enjoy every second I spend with her and I together. But I don’t find myself missing her when we don’t see each other for a little while. Or like craving her like I used to I one point but I guess that doesn’t mean I don’t love her. I’m just okay when I’m with her and I’m just as okay when I’m not with her. Like I genuinely wonder if I’d be heartbroken if we were to break up or not. It’s a weird feeling that I can’t seem to figure out at the moment.

[ExpatInItaly]

How long was your longest relationship, OP?

And how old are you?

[glows]

1 hour ago, thinker89 said:

It’s weird because I’m happy and content when I’m with her and I enjoy every second I spend with her and I together. But I don’t find myself missing her when we don’t see each other for a little while. Or like craving her like I used to I one point but I guess that doesn’t mean I don’t love her. I’m just okay when I’m with her and I’m just as okay when I’m not with her. Like I genuinely wonder if I’d be heartbroken if we were to break up or not. It’s a weird feeling that I can’t seem to figure out at the moment.

I don’t see anything the issue with this. Be sure you have a fulfilling life outside of the relationship also. Some people don’t need to be joined at the hip day and night and it’s natural to evolve and feel confident about the relationship so that you’re not constantly craving and missing someone. You know you’re going to see them again and enjoy your time together. 

That part about things bothering you about her would be something I’d review. Are they dealbreakers? What are they exactly? Do you see yourself with this person in the future or do your goals totally not align?

[JTSW]

5 hours ago, thinker89 said:

It’s weird because I’m happy and content when I’m with her and I enjoy every second I spend with her and I together. But I don’t find myself missing her when we don’t see each other for a little while. Or like craving her like I used to I one point but I guess that doesn’t mean I don’t love her. I’m just okay when I’m with her and I’m just as okay when I’m not with her. Like I genuinely wonder if I’d be heartbroken if we were to break up or not. It’s a weird feeling that I can’t seem to figure out at the moment.

You shouldn't be in a relationship with her if you have the tiniest bit of doubt.

I've been with my husband for 20 years and I miss him everyday when I'm at work.

If you're feeling so much doubt after a few months then it's not meant to be.

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, thinker89 said:

 I’m happy and content when I’m with her and I enjoy every second I spend with her and I together. 

Actually, is this true? Because you wrote: "Some things she does bother me and certain things about her personality bother me".

Try to focus on that feeling and identify what's bothering you about her. That's the first step.

How old is she? Is she aware of your indifference and negative thoughts about her?  Maybe it's time to get a clearer picture of what you don't like about her.

It sort of comes across as the sex and companionship are ok for now, but you actually don't really like her.

Edited May 30, 2023 by Wiseman2

[BaileyB]

I find it odd that the barometer of love is “do I miss her when we are not together?”

There are days that I miss my partner when I’m at work, and there are other days when I’m just focused on work. Or, out with friends. And when he travels, I miss him - but, I am also really excited to cook things that he won’t eat. And watch television shows that he doesn’t like. 

The simple truth is, I’m not as preoccupied with him as I was during the first few months of the relationship - and that’s ok. It’s life. 

Your relationship is not the only thing in your life OP - you won’t “crave” her like you did in the early days of the relationship because that is unsustainable - the novel becomes familiar and life interferes. As was said above, it is important for you to have your own life, your own friends, your own interests away from the relationship… That said, if you could really take it or leave it if she is around - that tells you something.

Edited May 30, 2023 by BaileyB

[Gaeta]

9 hours ago, thinker89 said:

It’s weird because I’m happy and content when I’m with her and I enjoy every second I spend with her and I together. But I don’t find myself missing her when we don’t see each other for a little while. Or like craving her like I used to I one point but I guess that doesn’t mean I don’t love her. I’m just okay when I’m with her and I’m just as okay when I’m not with her. Like I genuinely wonder if I’d be heartbroken if we were to break up or not. It’s a weird feeling that I can’t seem to figure out at the moment.

The new relationship craving goes away eventually and it's replaced by contentment & trust. Example: at the beginning of our relationship I missed my bf every moment because it was new and exciting and I lived in uncertainty not knowing we shared the same feelings & hopes. Now after 9 months dating I don't experience these craving as much because I got him, he's got me, when we're not together physically I still feel connected to him and I have no problem not seeing him for a week. 

There is an expression I cannot live without her/him but a better expression would be I can live without her/him but I want to live with her/him. Love is a choice, you are at that crossroad where love is a decision and not an impulse anymore. 

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Love is a choice, you are at that crossroad where love is a decision and not an impulse anymore. 

Yes!! 

Not an impulse, not even a “feeling.” 

It is a decision to love someone, even on the days that you are not feeling it and they are annoying you with their little quirks. 

 

[mortensorchid]

I am concerned about this as well - but my primary concern is for you in this situation.  Remember, the first 6-9 months you are with someone is infatuation.  And infatuation is going to wear off.  When it does, you better like that person - Not love, just like them.  Because if you don't, you're in trouble because you are stuck with that person and they with you.  But do you KNOW this yet without others telling you (on this forum or otherwise)?  Because guess what?  Your next relationship won't have everlasting infatuation either, it will be the same thing as this one.  Nothing is perfect - not you, not me, not her, not ANYONE.  Some are far less perfect than others.  But ask yourself some questions about her - is she a good person?  Does she treat you and others well?  If not, then reconsider it.  If she does, consider yourself lucky and stay.  

Life is complicated but we can make it more simple if we eliminate the bad stuff and find the good or the okay.  It's hard not to be bitter or angry about things in the past, but have faith and know that someday, somehow, it can happen.  But it's not going to just drop into your lap and be perfect, you have to work towards and in it. 

[thinker89]

20 hours ago, mortensorchid said:

I am concerned about this as well - but my primary concern is for you in this situation.  Remember, the first 6-9 months you are with someone is infatuation.  And infatuation is going to wear off.  When it does, you better like that person - Not love, just like them.  Because if you don't, you're in trouble because you are stuck with that person and they with you.  But do you KNOW this yet without others telling you (on this forum or otherwise)?  Because guess what?  Your next relationship won't have everlasting infatuation either, it will be the same thing as this one.  Nothing is perfect - not you, not me, not her, not ANYONE.  Some are far less perfect than others.  But ask yourself some questions about her - is she a good person?  Does she treat you and others well?  If not, then reconsider it.  If she does, consider yourself lucky and stay.  

Life is complicated but we can make it more simple if we eliminate the bad stuff and find the good or the okay.  It's hard not to be bitter or angry about things in the past, but have faith and know that someday, somehow, it can happen.  But it's not going to just drop into your lap and be perfect, you have to work towards and in it. 

I appreciate the feedback from everyone. I do definitely like her a lot and like I said I’m happy when I’m with her so I will continue to date her and see where this could go.

[thinker89]

My question is are breaks effective in helping you figure out if the person you’re with is someone you really love or need or in another sense help me realize that I actually like this person more than I do realize. I just feel uncertain about the relationship. Our relationship is okay but because that spark has gone away I am in a feeling of worry of whether or not it will workout in the long run. I’ve thought about taking a break before with her because I feel like it may help me realize that “hey I don’t really like her that much” or “hey you need to stay with this girl, you like her so much more than you realize”. Just looking for everyone’s thoughts and opinions on breaks.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, thinker89 said:

 Our relationship is okay but because that spark has gone away I am in a feeling of worry of whether or not it will workout in the long run. 

"Breaks" make bad relationships worse by complicating and confusing things. There's usually a game to buy time leading someone on while maintaining a security blanket. Clearly, someone who's willing to toss you away is not someone worth putting your life on hold for.

Keep in mind once you introduce the concept of "breaks", she's free to find someone who's more than just "meh" about her. But the good news is if you breakup, you'll both be free to pursue someone more attractive and compatible.

[glows]

Leaning towards not a good idea as I’m getting the sense you haven’t known each other long. There are some people who keep chasing a spark and end up really chasing their own tail. It’s just the chase they’re after and constant high of being with a new person. Maybe ask yourself whether this person is compatible with you in terms of long term goals, beliefs, values. This is a more effective way of thinking of it differently rather than blowing around with different feelings here and there as they come and go.

It depends on the situation as well. Breaks may make a difference when a couple isn’t communicating effectively and with the help of professionals learning how to do that, while reassessing how they’ve grown. This is usually the case with very long term couples, decades or many years together where communication may have broken down but core values are the same. I think there’s some value to taking a time out. 

[ShyViolet]

No, "breaks" don't work and don't help anything.  If the relationship comes to a point where one or both people want to take a "break", that means the relationship has deep problems and is no longer working.  Taking a "break" is a cowardly move and is usually used to simply avoid what really needs to be done, which is actually breaking up.  Make a clear decision.  Either properly break up, or not.

[feed_me_chocolate]

I think breaks can be effective depending on the situation, because all situations are different. So it would be good to know more about your situation. Has anything happened to change the way you feel? Did you have big disagreements or fights? Or maybe you learned something about your GF that put you off? 

Does she feel the same about you?

How did you guys meet? And what was your relationship like at first? 

 

[Lotsgoingon]

Desire to take a break makes no sense. And yes, I have done this.

The point of a relationship is that you have a blast with someone. Either you're having a blast or not. Any ambivalence or mixed feelings early on are a sign that  you don't belong together. 

So no, you can't think yourself to whether or not you want to date someone. Or at least that has never worked for me. I mean, you can think yourself into "you know, I really do like them." But you go meet, and all the old feelings come up again.

You want to speak your mind in relationship--so that you don't need a break. The relationship is a resting place as well as a fun place. If you have to take a break, then you either don't really like the person or you're doing dating wrong.