Brother-in-laws wedding

May 28, 2023

Just now, Peach91 said:

I apologised because I shouldn’t have said anything in drink that caused any offensive irrespective of whether I don’t believe it was very offensive - I have stated several times what I said - i don’t dictate what upsets someone else - but I do stand by that I don’t deserve this treatment when everyone else is forgiven for a great deal worse

The bride was drunk and threw a full can off a wall - putting a hole in the wall and bursting the can all over - I wouldn’t say she wasn’t invited to a family event if this was the other way round

May 28, 2023

8 hours ago, Stret said:

Your entire focus should be on getting through pregnancy with as little stress as possible. Don't bother with his family - do talk to him and tell him what you think and feel and how it affecting you. And that is all you can do, the rest is on him. I am sorry to hear you feel so alone in this situation. I would probably feel the same. People will always say things, it is your choice how you react - and the way we react is learned from childhood even and it is stronger than us. But this can be worked on - if you have Instagram, please visit The Holistic Pyschologist Dr Nicole LaPera. Scroll down through her page. She explains things simply and effectively, and most of us can use a lot of what she says to make our lives better.
I had to deal with a messed up family of my partner (now ex). His mother would invent things that I never said and he, despite knowing all that, still didn't want to protect me in any way and stayed neutral. I overfocused on her at the time because I was younger and it hurt. His reaction hurt worse. If I had a protection from him and him taking my side, it would all be a breeze... unpleasant, but that's all. It wouldn't hurt. I understand where you're at. But if I could give myself advice at the time, it would be to just become more selfish and focused on my own needs, to trust myself and my intuition more - one thing the psychologist from that Instagram page says is that many of us are trained in the childhood to neglect our own needs and wants and to please others. Maybe you don't need to be that good to his kids and try and do the right thing for everyone else. It may subconsciously make you resentful, irritable, angry... when your own needs are not met and your own partner is not meeting them, then it might lead to this.

Sorry if all this is off the right track and missing all the points.
Good luck with everything.

I actually love this - because it is the truth - I feel he sits on the fence a great deal for fear of not upsetting others but is unbothered by the fact that in turn hurts me. Especially as I have his back so much more than anyone ever has - emotionally physically financially - and I think because of my past, I was with an abusive man for 11 years - my daughters father and I feel like now I accept less Than I deserve just because it ‘could be worse’ which is sad. I also give way too much for the same reason but yes I think I need to focus a little more on me and not them xx

May 28, 2023

11 hours ago, Peach91 said:

I told him I didn’t think he belonged in his house and that when his brother slags him off I defend him - I don’t believe that warrants his partner of 2.5 year to not be with him - nor is it justifiable when they have each done and said a great deal worse.

Ah, now I found it. Thank you

1 hour ago, Peach91 said:

I apologised because I shouldn’t have said anything in drink that caused any offensive irrespective of whether I don’t believe it was very offensive - I have stated several times what I said - i don’t dictate what upsets someone else

To be fair, that's not an apology. An apology starts with "I'm sorry I said/did X. I was rude and thoughtless and understand how my words hurt you. So I understand why they didn't accept it.

HOWEVER It sounds like you said what needed to be said! Don't ever apologise for standing up to bullies and protecting those you care about. Honestly, it sounds like you have your partner's back far more tightly than what he has yours. This problem has more to do with your partner than you realise

Edited May 28, 2023 by basil67

May 28, 2023

5 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Ah, now I found it. Thank you

To be fair, that's not an apology. An apology starts with "I'm sorry I said/did X. I was rude and thoughtless and understand how my words hurt you. So I understand why they didn't accept it.

HOWEVER It sounds like you said what needed to be said! Don't ever apologise for standing up to bullies and protecting those you care about. Honestly, it sounds like you have your partner's back far more tightly than what he has yours. This problem has more to do with your partner than you realise

Nooo - when I apologised I simply apologised - I said sorry for causing offence I didn’t mean it and wouldn’t put any of you in that situation again.

I didn’t say sorry but you shouldn’t have been offended.

now I know why written text is not the best communication because not once did I say I had said that to them.

I didn’t see why it would be so offensive but I don’t get to judge what they feel - hence why i apologised - no ifs buts or e excuses

May 28, 2023

11 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Ah, now I found it. Thank you

To be fair, that's not an apology. An apology starts with "I'm sorry I said/did X. I was rude and thoughtless and understand how my words hurt you. So I understand why they didn't accept it.

HOWEVER It sounds like you said what needed to be said! Don't ever apologise for standing up to bullies and protecting those you care about. Honestly, it sounds like you have your partner's back far more tightly than what he has yours. This problem has more to do with your partner than you realise

And that was the insult - about not belonging in his house - not the apology.

that was the comment that makes me not be able to go to the wedding - because I said he didn’t belong in his house and I defend him behind his brothers back. That was the insult - of which I apologised for

May 28, 2023

What does "not belonging in his house" mean? What is the living situation you're referring to? And with hindsight, do you think that your opinion was wrong?

May 28, 2023

24 minutes ago, basil67 said:

What does "not belonging in his house" mean? What is the living situation you're referring to? And with hindsight, do you think that your opinion was wrong?

I’m losing the will to live with this thread.

I was drunk - I’m not a drinker and I said this - I am still totally unaware of what I said only being told by them - I have no clue what I meant by saying it but I surely know I’ve had a great deal worse said to me at the ripe old age of 32 - I’ve got thicker skin. Especially when someone says something totally oblivious in drink. Thanks for advice im good now

May 28, 2023

So to be clear, you don't remember saying this and have no idea what you meant. And you had no previous concerns with his brother his fiancee. What is your partner's view on what happened? Did he hear you say it? Did you actually say it?

I'm trying to fill in the blanks between you saying this and your partner potentially going to the wedding without you.

Edited May 28, 2023 by basil67

May 28, 2023

@Peach91your style of narration is very confusing. We've got a large cast of characters, several conversations, a boyfriend, a brother, previous children, a babys mom, a drug dealer, parents, a wedding, vodka, emotions running high, it's hard to keep track of. Which is why posters are asking you to clarify.

I also didn't understand the story of the original slight. Using quotation marks might help. Did you say to your boyfriend's brother, "I don't know how you're allowed in your house" meaning that you didn't understand why your brother's boyfriend is allowed in his own house? And this has no context, you don't remember saying it, and it doesn't make sense to you (in your current sober state) why you would say such a thing? This is a comment with no meaning at all?

I'm not trying to be mean, but just from this thread I'm getting the feeling you are combative in situations where it doesn't serve you. I get the feeling you told your boyfriend's brother off one night, and now it's come back to bite you. Our words sometimes do.

May 28, 2023

4 hours ago, IrinaM said:

I'm not trying to be mean, but just from this thread I'm getting the feeling you are combative in situations where it doesn't serve you. I get the feeling you told your boyfriend's brother off one night, and now it's come back to bite you. Our words sometimes do.

Agreed. No offense op, but you do come off as combative. Their idea that you not attend the wedding may simply be that they’re afraid of combat. It is a wedding, and they probably want it to be as smooth and drama-free as possible.

It seems you’re highly upset that there have been worse offenses by family members, whereas you had a relatively minor offense and are surprised that you aren’t invited to the wedding, while the other offenders are.

But this is his brother. He could tell him he’s not coming if you’re not invited but that will open a door that cannot be closed.

Regardless of their reasons, they made their choice. It maybe that they used the excuse of what you said while drinking to uninvite you. And you’re hurt that your bf isn’t sticking by your side in this. But it would probably be best to lay low, stay calm while the wedding happens and put it all behind you. It is a better option than causing more drama.

May 28, 2023

Just now, LynneVicious said:

Agreed. No offense op, but you do come off as combative. Their idea that you not attend the wedding may simply be that they’re afraid of combat. It is a wedding, and they probably want it to be as smooth and drama-free as possible.

It seems you’re highly upset that there have been worse offenses by family members, whereas you had a relatively minor offense and are surprised that you aren’t invited to the wedding, while the other offenders are.

But this is his brother. He could tell him he’s not coming if you’re not invited but that will open a door that cannot be closed.

Regardless of their reasons, they made their choice. It maybe that they used the excuse of what you said while drinking to uninvite you. And you’re hurt that your bf isn’t sticking by your side in this. But it would probably be best to lay low, stay calm while the wedding happens and put it all behind you. It is a better option than causing more drama.

It is their choice and I have remained calm, it’s them who keep discussing me - keep salting me to my partner and reminding him why I’m uninvited - I’ve not said anything offensive or argumentative to them at all - I said what I said - apologised and haven’t spoken to any of them since, and it’s the first time we’ve ever had anything like this happen - so yeah I am pretty upset that others are so easily forgiven - especially when they’ve done multiple things wrong - I’m combative in this thread because people are asking questions without reading the actual responses I’ve already given.

Im more hurt by the fact this is the one and only time I’ve ever put a foot wrong - I am helping my partner look after their kids for their honeymoon, and was good enough to take 200 from for their catering - not any other member of the family has done that either - suggested and offered by me.

May 28, 2023

to be honest, your tone sounds combative....I can only imagine if you are speaking like this to strangers from which you are requesting advice what your tone is like with your partner and his family. That is a much more emotionally-charged and intimate situation for which (I'm sure) you have intense emotions....

While it's not the best for future relations, the bride and groom have every right to invite whomever they feel like. And sometimes you just need to sit it out. If I were in your shoes, I would take this as a sign that you have some "repair work" to do with him, his family if you relationship is going to work out and you won't constantly feel like you are in a battle about something or other.

*I'd have to find it but there was a very similar thread like this a while ago. you should look for it as I'm sure it would have a lot of insight that would be helpful.

May 28, 2023

You're wrong OP. Each dynamic between family members and you is centered around alcohol or drugs. Substance abuse and codependency and domestic violence? That's what it sounds like here... It's not a healthy environment and I wouldn't want to be part of it.

I agree with the others. I think you're carrying a lot of resentment and it's starting to bubble to the surface.

May 28, 2023

18 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

You're wrong OP. Each dynamic between family members and you is centered around alcohol or drugs. Substance abuse and codependency and domestic violence? That's what it sounds like here... It's not a healthy environment and I wouldn't want to be part of it.

I agree with the others. I think you're carrying a lot of resentment and it's starting to bubble to the surface.

First of all there is NO drug and alcohol misuse - we don’t drink - hence why I was far too drunk after just 3 drinks. My partner and I have drank maybe 6 times in the two and a half years we have been together and we don’t take drugs - his children’s mother and her partner have been advertising drugs - none of his family have supported him through his troubles, custody battles, issues with his children and their mother and her partner etc but expect him to exclude the only person who has. Where exactly did you get this idea that there is drug and alcohol misuse here because I’ve stated several times that we are not drinkers and don’t drink

May 28, 2023

25 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

to be honest, your tone sounds combative....I can only imagine if you are speaking like this to strangers from which you are requesting advice what your tone is like with your partner and his family. That is a much more emotionally-charged and intimate situation for which (I'm sure) you have intense emotions....

While it's not the best for future relations, the bride and groom have every right to invite whomever they feel like. And sometimes you just need to sit it out. If I were in your shoes, I would take this as a sign that you have some "repair work" to do with him, his family if you relationship is going to work out and you won't constantly feel like you are in a battle about something or other.

*I'd have to find it but there was a very similar thread like this a while ago. you should look for it as I'm sure it would have a lot of insight that would be helpful.

I won’t be repairing any further relationships with his family. I made a mistake in drink - have spoken to them Only once since to apologise - this is something that occurred 5 weeks ago - I apologised 2 days later - and haven’t spoken to any of his family aside from his mother since, I’ve never ever had a cross word with his family in the past, honestly we only see them usually on events and occasions and I’ve also stated several times. Since then I’ve not mentioned the wedding told him I accept their choice and whilst it makes me upset of course - it is something that can’t be changed.

THE FAMILY keep mentioning it and reminding him of that night - despite him reminding them that they’ve each done a great deal worse on more than one occasion

May 28, 2023

26 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

You're wrong OP. Each dynamic between family members and you is centered around alcohol or drugs. Substance abuse and codependency and domestic violence? That's what it sounds like here... It's not a healthy environment and I wouldn't want to be part of it.

I agree with the others. I think you're carrying a lot of resentment and it's starting to bubble to the surface.

Substance misuse and domestic violence.

my EX partner was abusive. And I don’t take drugs - maybe drink alcohol two/three times a year at most. So please read posts correctly before assuming something so incorrect and quite frankly damaging

May 28, 2023

1 minute ago, Peach91 said:

First of all there is NO drug and alcohol misuse - we don’t drink - hence why I was far too drunk after just 3 drinks. My partner and I have drank maybe 6 times in the two and a half years we have been together and we don’t take drugs - his children’s mother and her partner have been advertising drugs - none of his family have supported him through his troubles, custody battles, issues with his children and their mother and her partner etc but expect him to exclude the only person who has. Where exactly did you get this idea that there is drug and alcohol misuse here because I’ve stated several times that we are not drinkers and don’t drink

I'm referring more to the dynamic overall. Yes, you need to be mindful of your words and actions. The overall environment lacks mutual trust and understanding.

Like others mentioned, why are you doing all the cleaning, cooking, and chores?

You're worried about the wrong thing.

Do you really care about not attending a wedding in the grand scheme of things?

I would apologize, but first get to the point that you actually mean it, and then consider the long-term implications of staying put.

May 28, 2023

15 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

I'm referring more to the dynamic overall. Yes, you need to be mindful of your words and actions. The overall environment lacks mutual trust and understanding.

Like others mentioned, why are you doing all the cleaning, cooking, and chores?

You're worried about the wrong thing.

Do you really care about not attending a wedding in the grand scheme of things?

I would apologize, but first get to the point that you actually mean it, and then consider the long-term implications of staying put.

Truthfully, I’m sad about not going to the wedding but ultimately know it’s their decision - hence why I’ve not said anything to be literally ratified regularly since.

I apologised and told them I was wrong - even told them I wouldn’t drink and put any of us in that position again but 5 weeks later still not forgiven and still regular topic of conversation for them. That is where my concern lies.

yes my partner has defended me and told them he thinks they’re wrong and out of order etc, but if someone - even my family - bad mouthed him I would put them straight and I certainly wouldn’t forgive and forget - considering they can’t forgive and forget the mistake I made.

and yes that makes me more upset and uptight about the situation the fact I give so much and am 99% good - but I’m excluded because of one bad thing.

there certainly is no drink or drug misuse and domestic violence was from my past. Sorry if post made out like there was

May 28, 2023

1 minute ago, Peach91 said:

there certainly is no drink or drug misuse and domestic violence was from my past. Sorry if post made out like there was

That's okay.

I'm glad that you've chosen to stop being adversarial with me. I understand that you may be frustrated, but I'm trying to help you and I can't do that if you don't cooperate. Think about what's best for you and your situation. You're having a baby soon. Take a few moments to think about what's really important. Keep your focus on the future and what's best for your family.

May 28, 2023

11 hours ago, Peach91 said:

I actually love this - because it is the truth - I feel he sits on the fence a great deal for fear of not upsetting others but is unbothered by the fact that in turn hurts me. Especially as I have his back so much more than anyone ever has - emotionally physically financially - and I think because of my past, I was with an abusive man for 11 years - my daughters father and I feel like now I accept less Than I deserve just because it ‘could be worse’ which is sad. I also give way too much for the same reason but yes I think I need to focus a little more on me and not them xx

Tell him that (if you already haven't). And leave it at that.
You really would want him to open his eye, rather than you forcing him and blackmailing him to stay. Even if he did stay, you'd still feel like crap if it were because you blackmailed him. So if he himself, after you talk to him and open up about your real feelings, comes to you and says he will not go to the wedding, it is another thing. But these things are usually symptoms of family dynamics that are hard to change - he needs to mature and grow up and not seek his family's approval. Tell him you feel lonely in this and don't accept anything he tells to the contrary - he cannot tell you how you should be feeling. He probably feels it is easier to disappoint you than his brother, because in a way he takes you for granted and sees how much of yourself you give. People usually don't have real appreciation towards other people's sacrifice and will appreciate more if the person looks after themselves and they need to work hard for their love. Sad reality, but that's how it is. People like people who like themselves more than them.

You are also likely acting due to your own trauma - trying to be mother to his kids, a good partner to him, clean, cook, be good to everyone. Because probably one of your parents taught you that their own feelings matter more than yours and you tried hard to get their approval. It stays for life. That psychologist I gave you a reference to is fantastic for these things and you should give it a look. Also, there is a book called "Co-dependant no more" (I don't remember the name of the writer but I think it was a woman). There are patterns that we have and that we need to figure out and break. My pattern was that I was selecting weak men as partners, actually, they were selecting me - because they saw a strength in me that they don't have. They were quite different people so I never saw the pattern, until one day that I did. Also, it is on me being attracted to hot/cold and to love bombing at the start of the relationship, which is usually a red flag ( I didn't know it then).
Not sure in which situation you are, but it is good to have an alternative in the background, like a place to live and a job. And you'll be fine even though it won't seem like that at first. Just know that you can survive without him, if it comes to it, and that you can even be happier. Don't settle, don't give anyone power over you and your happiness. Now that you will have a baby, you need that to be the focus, and there is no better gift you can give to a child than having a relaxed mother that is not depressed, not angry, not hurt... They sense and absorb everything and the generational trauma carries on. You have the power to stop it. Start looking after your own mental and physical well-being, and surround yourself with support from your own friends and family, if possible. If not - you have it in you - read, meet groups, meet people, and it will be one step at a time.

May 28, 2023

On the other hand, if he goes and comes back home early right after wedding, does not stay for celebrations afterwards, does not go to stag event before the wedding, maybe that will also be a sufficient message to his brother that he cannot treat his pregnant partner whatever way he wants.

May 28, 2023

Was your boyfriend worried you were drinking while pregnant or planning to become pregnant? I know that you know that this was a no no... Has he been proactive in ensuring that you are taking care of yourself and your future child?

Don't worry so much about not being forgiven or not making it to this wedding. I think it's actually better that you don't. Focus on yourself and your health. You can still send your best wishes to the bride and groom. It's best for you to stay away from anything that could put your health and your baby's health at risk.

May 28, 2023

6 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Was your boyfriend worried you were drinking while pregnant or planning to become pregnant? I know that you know that this was a no no... Has he been proactive in ensuring that you are taking care of yourself and your future child?

Don't worry so much about not being forgiven or not making it to this wedding. I think it's actually better that you don't. Focus on yourself and your health. You can still send your best wishes to the bride and groom. It's best for you to stay away from anything that could put your health and your baby's health at risk.

I wasn’t drinking whilst pregnant, this happened 5 weeks ago, I’d say i am 3 weeks pregnant at most, very very early and like I say, we don’t drink - an occasion or event - twice/three times a year, so it’s not like I was drinking heavily or a regular drinker whilst trying. Alcohol was the route of my problem that night but isn’t a problem - I need that to be understood because I’ve indicated several times I’m not a drinker and don’t have a problem with drink - not myself or any of the people involved. It just so happened that I said what I said because I was drunk. I think my biggest fear - genuinely, is bringing this baby into the world where it has to see it’s paternal family away from me - I don’t want a long-standing issue, hence why I apologised and left it at that - but at what point to I tell both him

and his family - I feel victimised and wouldn’t ever do that to any of them.

May 28, 2023

11 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Was your boyfriend worried you were drinking while pregnant or planning to become pregnant? I know that you know that this was a no no... Has he been proactive in ensuring that you are taking care of yourself and your future child?

Don't worry so much about not being forgiven or not making it to this wedding. I think it's actually better that you don't. Focus on yourself and your health. You can still send your best wishes to the bride and groom. It's best for you to stay away from anything that could put your health and your baby's health at risk.

You seem to be so focussed on the drink that you’re totally missing the actual point - and you’ve already mentioned the drink and drugs. I consume maybe 12 units of alcohol 3 times a year - at most. So no, it wasn’t a concern

May 28, 2023

1 minute ago, Peach91 said:

I think my biggest fear - genuinely, is bringing this baby into the world where it has to see it’s paternal family away from me - I don’t want a long-standing issue, hence why I apologised and left it at that - but at what point to I tell both him

and his family - I feel victimised and wouldn’t ever do that to any of them.

I know that you want all to be able to co-exist peacefully and for your child to have a relationship with their family and don't want it to be awkward.

Yes, it's good that you show your boyfriend that you are sorry and willing to take responsibility for your actions.

Leave it there.

What his family thinks isn't your business, though.

I very much agree with what Stret wrote.

You're in control of your own life and it's ok to set boundaries. You don't need to make everyone happy. It's ok to say 'no' when necessary.

Stop trying so hard to get his family to accept your apology and make your boyfriend happy and take care of everything at home.

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