Moved and now he has broken up with me

[notthatintome]

I have been in a long distance relationship for three years.  We lived 100 miles apart and saw each other once every six weeks, sometimes more.  
 

Finally I moved in with him and it started off well but his suffered a bereavement and his dad nearly passed too and is still very sick.  He couldn’t cope with all of this and we started to argue.  At one point he told me to pack my bags and leave as midnight. He also said some really hurtful things that keep replaying in my mind.  I didn’t say anything back and was his punchbag until I cried and he apologised. After this, I also found out he was on tinder during our long distance and been messaging several women seeking a casual hook up.  Apparently it never happened but who knows.  I am a very calm and tolerant person and tried to understand his struggles.  I did well and he began to open up and we got really close for a week, it was so nice.  His dad then took a turn for the worst and he suddenly  ended things with me.  He said he doesn’t like the merging and losing his independence and freedom.  He wants to do as he pleases without any time restrictions.  Some then he has been very distant with me and I have barely seen him.  He said I could stay as long as I needed and no rush to go.  
 

I have moved my whole life down here and now at a loss what to do.  I didn’t know about tinder until I moved.  I have no home, or job, or a boyfriend.  I’m trying to be strong but the crying comes in waves.  I actually feel depressed.  Things are amicable with him and I’m being friendly when I see him but inside I’m hurting.  He has an avoidant attachment and has literally discarded me with not a care in the world

I’m so lost.  I don’t have family, no friends nearby but I have joined lots of clubs so feel a sense of belonging.  I don’t know where to look to live, I have zero motivation, my heart is broken and confidence and self esteem is broken.

Please be kind as I haven’t told anyone about this.  I’m too embarrassed and ashamed. 

 

 

 

[basil67]

I'm so sorry it all went pear shaped.   Sending hugs your way

You've done nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed over.   Rather, you've been treated horribly and you are in need some TLC from those who care. 

You say that you have no home and no job, so are you still living with him while he supports you?  Or are you homeless?  Please let your friends know what's going on so that they can support you practically and emotionally.   With them, work out whether you want to stay in your current town or move back to where you were before.  Perhaps one of them has a room you can stay in while you look for work and then find accommodation?    Or perhaps one of them would be happy to have you as a roommate.

All in all though, finding work and a roof over your head are the most important things.  Are there many employment opportunities where you currently are or where you were before?  

 

 

[stillafool]

It might be best that you move back to where your family lives.  They can give you a place to stay and support you through this heartbreak until you find a job.  I know he said you could stay there as long as you need to get yourself together but that isn't the best for you now.  You will continue to hold out hope that he will somehow want to resume the relationship and he will want to have his place to himself so he can move on regardless of what he  previously told you.  Plus it will be impossible to get over him and heal while still being there.

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, notthatintome said:

.  He said I could stay as long as I needed and no rush to go.   I have no home, or job, or a boyfriend.  

Sorry this happened. Please contact friends and family back home or wherever you came from for help getting out of this situation and moving back.

In the meantime he's letting you stay, so do not act like a GF or sleep with him,etc. Instead use this time to make your arrangements to move.

It was a mistake to uproot your life for him, but it's something you can recover from by moving back. Do not invest in the relationship, simply accept the offer to stay for free until you can move. 

[semble]

As bad as it is, you cannot stay with him. Either find a place nearby or move back home. Regardless, you need to accept the decision to move in with him was a bad one and start working towards cutting your losses.

And get a job.

[ShyViolet]

So where were you living before this, with your parents?

This man doesn't want to be with you anymore.  So you either need to move back to where you were living before, or get a job and get yourself another place to live.  I know it must be very overwhelming but take it one step at a time.  

[ExpatInItaly]

I am sorry this happened. 

Your boyfriend is just not the man you thought he was. If he was on Tinder before you even moved, he's been checked out for a long time. It's for the best that it's over, but you are going to need to be patient with yourself in putting your life back together. 

Start by being honest about what's happened with those who care about you. They can be a great support system, if you let them 

[glows]

How’s the job hunt? Any luck on interviews? Distance yourself from him and find your own place asap. 

Keep meeting with your new groups of friends. Be cautious and don’t get too involved too quickly with people you don’t know very well either but don’t isolate yourself. Let us know how it goes. 

[notthatintome]

Thank you so much for your replies.  It’s what I needed to hear to steer me in the right direction. 
I went out with friends yesterday and it really lifted my spirits.  I found myself laughing a lot which was very strange considering.

Before I moved in with him, I was living away from friends and family.  Living with him meant I was closer to them all as they are scattered around and not in one place.  Moving has improved my life because of this, so it’s not all doom and gloom, risking it all for a guy that didn’t work out; I lost him but gained so much more outside of it. 

My ex and I are friendly, he helps me out with lifts and walks with me every day.  He also supports me financially.  I guess this is his way of showing care.  The romantic side is lost but the friendship remains and it’s seems a calmer one for sure.  He gives minimally and I expect nothing.  
 

Although I know I need to go so I can move on and get on with my life I just don’t know what to do next.  I  can’t move in with parent as she is in the middle of a house move and is downsizing.  I am here for the moment and need to accept what is whilst trying to detach my emotions.  I’m sure on a subconscious level I still am in hope that it will change but consciously know it’s very silly to think that so moving is the only way forward but I’m also very  scared. 
 

I don’t think I can tell anyone but I have felt supported by you all and sometimes it’s just what is needed.  I know I shouldn’t be ashamed but somehow I am and just need to get through it. 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, notthatintome said:

Although I know I need to go so I can move on and get on with my life I just don’t know what to do next

You need to find a job. 

Start saving money towards either renting a place of your own, or finding someone with a room to rent. You cannot continue to live with your ex, and you certainly can't continue to let him be your financial support. 

If you can't find the motivation to do it, just think how much it will hurt when one night he doesn't come home and you learn he spent the night with a new woman. Or, when he asks you to leave because he wants to bring someone else home and can't have his ex  there. 

1 hour ago, notthatintome said:

I don’t think I can tell anyone

So, do your friends and family all think you're still together? Living that lie is going to be emotionally exhausting and the truth will come out eventually. Or perhaps you haven't told them yet because you're not quite ready to admit to yourself (let alone anyone else) that it's over. 

EDIT: I just went back and looked at some of your previous threads. Is this the same guy? The only who wanted NSA sex at the beginning, encouraged you to sleep with others, was noncommital? I really hope it's not, but that guy was also long-distance, and you were afraid of telling anyone even then about the situation you'd gotten yourself into. 

Edited May 28, 2023 by ExpatInItaly

[stillafool]

You can't make someone want you.  

[notthatintome]

18 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You need to find a job. 

Start saving money towards either renting a place of your own, or finding someone with a room to rent. You cannot continue to live with your ex, and you certainly can't continue to let him be your financial support. 

If you can't find the motivation to do it, just think how much it will hurt when one night he doesn't come home and you learn he spent the night with a new woman. Or, when he asks you to leave because he wants to bring someone else home and can't have his ex  there. 

So, do your friends and family all think you're still together? Living that lie is going to be emotionally exhausting and the truth will come out eventually. Or perhaps you haven't told them yet because you're not quite ready to admit to yourself (let alone anyone else) that it's over. 

EDIT: I just went back and looked at some of your previous threads. Is this the same guy? The only who wanted NSA sex at the beginning, encouraged you to sleep with others, was noncommital? I really hope it's not, but that guy was also long-distance, and you were afraid of telling anyone even then about the situation you'd gotten yourself into. 

I have two upcoming interviews in the next week.  I think this will offer some stability and hopefully some motivation.

I am not good at opening up and being vulnerable with anyone, I tend to go very quiet and withdrawn to process my own feelings.  I won’t tell anyone until I’m at a point I can do so objectively without any emotion.  I have tried with family in the past but they have always broken my trust in some way so it’s safer not to.  Reaching out anonymously to strangers is far more comfortable and that’s why I’m here.

Sadly, I have had a string of relationships with non committal men.  Somehow they feel familiar but this is not good. I am understanding why this is and am in therapy to find strategies to deal with it. Trauma therapy is hard though and brings alot is unwanted emotions to the surface so I’m trying to deal with that as well as what’s going on now.  I also know my past is also affecting my chosen mate so I am trying to be compassionate with myself with the poor decisions I have made and continue to make.  

I am mindful I need to leave but I also don’t want to leap out of the frying pan and into the fire, so to speak.  Future decisions need to be sound. He said he didn’t want me to leave until I’m properly set up in work and a home.  He made it clear that he is not interested in dating anyone new either and I actually believe him on that one.  Having said that, I will be viewing houses this week as well as attending the interviews, but I won’t grab the first thing I see out of desperation. 


 

 

  

 

[Ageless Wisdom23]

I am so sorry this has happened to you.  It is almost like being a fish out of water.  Now, You are" Crying Me a River" because of all the developments that have occurred since you moved in with him.  Stay civil and work through it.  Come up with a game plan to help yourself move back with your family or even get a job and a room some place.  A temp agency perhaps can help in the job situation.  It is obvious he wants his space and wishes to deal with 😒everything himself.

Edited May 29, 2023 by Ageless Wisdom23

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, notthatintome said:

 He said he didn’t want me to leave until I’m properly set up in work and a home.  

That seems like a fair compromise. And you're looking for housing and employment so that's all you can do. As long as you stay neutral and don't get involved romantically again, you'll be ok when you have your ducks in a row to leave.