Girlfriend (f31) being short with me (m31) and removed our photos from instagram. Was it down to me or is there something else?

May 25, 2023

2 hours ago, ramboparrot said:

I want to travel, have fun and just go it whatever comes my way. Yeah you do overthink everything and need a set in stone, mapped out plan for everything. I’m tired and drained by it all. I just want to be happy on my own. I know for a fact I am happier and a completely different person on my own and I’m ok with that. I told my mum last night that’s it’s over and even she said your a nice guy but it’s been along time coming so I you don’t see that we’re better off as just friends is baffling and clear to see you seriously need to settle down and start a family with someone else xxx”

I'm not certain this is what's going on, but sometimes what's hiding behind a "free spirit" is avoidant attachment style. Like most people, they tend to want a relationship on their own terms. In their case, this means they feel a need to keep you at arm's length and if you get too close, they will find ways to push back to keep you at (what is for them) a "safe" distance. There are degrees of this, and mild avoidant attachment isn't going to be a big deal. But strong avoidant attachment is, and can cause significant problems that sabotage a relationship. Like most people, they can be perfectly wonderful right up until something triggers the negative sides of their personality.

Whether I'm right about his or not, it's clear that whenever things start to get too serious with her something comes up. This person probably isn't right for a committed relationship, except perhaps at a "distance" that you might not be too comfortable with, and that likely has a lot more to do with them than with you. Breakups can be hard, but despite how you feel, it seems like you are best served moving on in this case.

I would note that many of these push-back/sabotage things types DO want a relationship, they just want one where they can feel safely like their independence isn't "threatened". So, it's possible that once you're back in the friend zone, she MAY come around and try to re-establish things. Essentially repeating the pattern. IF that happens, I suggest you take a long hard look at the dynamic here and what she's been putting you through and whether you want to keep going through it again and again...

Edited May 25, 2023 by mark clemson

May 25, 2023

38 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

I'm not certain this is what's going on, but sometimes what's hiding behind a "free spirit" is avoidant attachment style. Like most people, they tend to want a relationship on their own terms. In their case, this means they feel a need to keep you at arm's length and if you get too close, they will find ways to push back to keep you at (what is for them) a "safe" distance. There are degrees of this, and mild avoidant attachment isn't going to be a big deal. But strong avoidant attachment is, and can cause significant problems that sabotage a relationship. Like most people, they can be perfectly wonderful right up until something triggers the negative sides of their personality.

Whether I'm right about his or not, it's clear that whenever things start to get too serious with her something comes up. This person probably isn't right for a committed relationship, except perhaps at a "distance" that you might not be too comfortable with, and that likely has a lot more to do with them than with you. Breakups can be hard, but despite how you feel, it seems like you are best served moving on in this case.

I would note that many of these push-back/sabotage things types DO want a relationship, they just want one where they can feel safely like their independence isn't "threatened". So, it's possible that once you're back in the friend zone, she MAY come around and try to re-establish things. Essentially repeating the pattern. IF that happens, I suggest you take a long hard look at the dynamic here and what she's been putting you through and whether you want to keep going through it again and again...

Think you’ve hit the nail on the spot right there! That’s exactly what she is.

She moved in with me quite early and then moved back to her mums when we had our first break up. She said she found comfort living at her mums instead and started hating the apartment we were at. She said it was easier for her to come round and see me when she needed to as she loves her own space too much. This is the person who was really wanting us to buy a house next year during last weekend by the way.

Last weekend when we kissed passionately and fell onto my bed, she then got up and mentioned about the pizza possibly burning. Almost like reeling me in then taking a step back.

She is on the autism spectrum as well, but the avoidant attachment style suits her profile perfectly. The closeness of our relationship always seemed to be on her terms.

May 25, 2023

5 hours ago, ramboparrot said:

We both always talked about travelling so why not make use of a friendship like this and go travelling? Beats going solo and all my other friends are to busy to do that.

Because you are fooling yourself if you think it won't hurt like hell when you realize she wants to date someone who isn't you.

I very much doubt you will want to be her travel buddy then. And that day will eventually come. There is a reason exes cannot usually remain good friends after they break up, especially when one person (you) is still in love with the other.

Forget the idea of traveling together if you value your own emotional well-being.

May 25, 2023

5 hours ago, ramboparrot said:

You’ve been a massive part of my life and I’m not losing that...

Also, OP, this was really not good.

I know you are emotional and I get what you meant, but you don't have any choice in whether or not she stays in your life. It is her prerogative to bow out gracefully if she chooses. It hurts a lot, I realize. But if someone doesn't want to remain in your life, you need to respect that.

May 25, 2023

You've placed too much emphasis on the relationship and put your own needs on the backburner.

The problem with being empathetic towards her, while it can be very nice, in your case (for you) it's a trap, it's a huge huge trap that you're drowning in quicksand.

You need to move on for the sake of your own well-being and happiness.

If you stay in the relationship, even as friends, you'll just be sacrificing yourself for someone else. Consider what you need right now for yourself, think about what will be most beneficial to you, and make decisions based on that. You deserve to have your own needs taken care of and to be happy.

May 25, 2023

5 hours ago, ramboparrot said:

She moved in with me quite early and then moved back to her mums when we had our first break up. She said she found comfort living at her mums instead and started hating the apartment we were at. She said it was easier for her to come round and see me when she needed to as she loves her own space too much. This is the person who was really wanting us to buy a house next year during last weekend by the way.

Moving back home is perfectly normal when a couple breaks up. And it's also perfectly normal that she'd need space if things were rocky enough to break up. And it's also normal to start looking forward thinking that a future home together might be good when the crisis is over. But now that you offered her an out, she's starting to be more honest with herself about what she wants. Or, it's entirely possible that she'll meet a new guy, have a wonderful relationship and settle into a life with a white picket fence.

Things said after a breakup (like wanting travel) are really of no consequence. I remember wanting to be single for a while after leaving my first husband. But instead feel in love with my now husband only two months after leaving the marriage.

5 hours ago, ramboparrot said:

Last weekend when we kissed passionately and fell onto my bed, she then got up and mentioned about the pizza possibly burning. Almost like reeling me in then taking a step back.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with this. A bit of unfinished passion set up for finishing later in the night. And surely you also knew there was a pizza in the oven which needed to be watched?

I get that you're hurt, but you're seriously nitpicking here.

May 26, 2023

4 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Because you are fooling yourself if you think it won't hurt like hell when you realize she wants to date someone who isn't you.

I very much doubt you will want to be her travel buddy then. And that day will eventually come. There is a reason exes cannot usually remain good friends after they break up, especially when one person (you) is still in love with the other.

Forget the idea of traveling together if you value your own emotional well-being.

True, just liked her company. She said she wanted to be single and be by herself after her last relationship but gave me a chance to see if she could do it. She couldn’t and reverted back. I have no fear she would find someone in the next few years and by then my attention would be romantically in someone else so would possibly be easier.

But to be honest I’ve not had a reply from her since and she’s usually responsive, that was hours ago.

I’m tempted to pull back my offer and go full block on everything. It’s sad because we had good memories. She still has my key to my apartment and hasn’t given it back either.

May 26, 2023

5 minutes ago, ramboparrot said:

But to be honest I’ve not had a reply from her since and she’s usually responsive, that was hours ago.

I’m tempted to pull back my offer and go full block on everything. It’s sad because we had good memories. She still has my key to my apartment and hasn’t given it back either.

I think that pulling back would be a very smart thing to do. Remember that most relationships have good memories (as well as bad) but memories alone aren't worth staying around for.

A locksmith will easily solve the problem about her having your key

Edited May 26, 2023 by basil67

May 26, 2023

1 minute ago, basil67 said:

I think that pulling back would be a very smart thing to do. Remember that most relationships have good memories (as well as bad) but memories alone aren't worth staying around for.

A locksmith will easily solve the problem about her having your key

I made my point clear of my wants and needs in my last response to her, I won’t be messaging again. To not be selfish, she has a lot more serious things on her plate than our breakup anyway.

Ideally I wanted to ask for my key back but don’t really want to pay the charge they have here to do it. Suppose no harm in her still having a key. She broke things off so I can’t imagine she’d come around, but if she did one day at a time I had someone new around would be awkward.

It’s annoying that I didn’t learn from my mistakes. Given another chance I could do better but had plenty of chances already. She was also drained by my overthinking and set in stone planning, but that’s part of who I am.

May 26, 2023

Ah yes, if it's an apartment with special locks, it makes sense to not pay hundreds to get it done. And asking for the key back is a really awkward thing to do anyway.

Is overthinking and set in stone planning something you like about yourself? If it is, then by all means embrace it and continue as you are. But if you wished you could be a little more flexible, it could be worked on so that future relationships may not have the same problem. The good thing about being human is that to a certain degree, we can choose to make positive changes to who we are.

May 26, 2023

If she responds to you ask for the key back. It’s silly to begrudge someone that or not hand it back. This speaks volumes about how out of her mind she really is breaking it off and not having the presence of mind or any consideration for you or respect for your place.

I understand she’s grieving but there’s a fine line between grieving and being completely irresponsible and disrespectful towards others. She made a choice to date you. She made the choice to break up. She can pull up her big girl pants and hand back your key.

May 26, 2023

6 hours ago, ramboparrot said:

I have no fear she would find someone in the next few years

That doesn't mean it won't happen, OP.

You need to be realistic and not gamble with your heart like that,

May 26, 2023

8 hours ago, basil67 said:

Ah yes, if it's an apartment with special locks, it makes sense to not pay hundreds to get it done. And asking for the key back is a really awkward thing to do anyway.

Is overthinking and set in stone planning something you like about yourself? If it is, then by all means embrace it and continue as you are. But if you wished you could be a little more flexible, it could be worked on so that future relationships may not have the same problem. The good thing about being human is that to a certain degree, we can choose to make positive changes to who we are.

The overthinking i’d say no, as it’s part of my anxiety. She encouraged me to seek counselling for it but it seems to be an issue for her. Every conversation she would tell me to stop overthinking, even if it was for the simplest thing. Got a bit annoying sometimes. Only way I got around it was by sounding short/not talking much. Sometimes I’d feel she calls me out on it just because I talk so much.

She says that I always explain everything when not everything needs an explanation.

I like having a plan and just being a man who has things in order, but I think her issue is once I have that plan I’m not open minded enough to change things and that I always have to stick with it.

Both are things that she mentioned were draining her when she gave me the break up message. So I’d say it’s something I’d want to improve. The fact she said she’s happier on her own than with me shows me this is not a good thing for me and I want to be more flexible and calm minded.

I know I’ve mentioned the autism and grievance counselling for the loss of her son but she does get heavily depressed which can affect feelings of love and push people away. She stays in her bedroom all day a lot of days according to her mum.

Edited May 26, 2023 by ramboparrot

May 26, 2023

7 hours ago, glows said:

If she responds to you ask for the key back. It’s silly to begrudge someone that or not hand it back. This speaks volumes about how out of her mind she really is breaking it off and not having the presence of mind or any consideration for you or respect for your place.

I understand she’s grieving but there’s a fine line between grieving and being completely irresponsible and disrespectful towards others. She made a choice to date you. She made the choice to break up. She can pull up her big girl pants and hand back your key.

Yeah I’ll ask for it back. Sometimes I feel like she thinks that’s her last connection to me in person in case she changes her feelings as there’s been times she comes without warning even after she’d gone into a bit of a mood with me.

Taking that key away confirms the action she’s taken with the breakup. I’m effectively reinforcing her decision and cutting off ties. I’ve debated blocking her to cut it off completely to further reinforce it but that’s only if she backtracks and actually doesn’t want to be friends (which I think she does as a relationship isn’t what she needed in this moment of her life, but would probably need her own space first with what’s gone on)

May 26, 2023

3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

That doesn't mean it won't happen, OP.

You need to be realistic and not gamble with your heart like that,

It’s true, she planned to be single until 40 to try and avoid having kids and have her own space until I reached out and we started dating. Someone could possibly do the same, but from my experience with her I can honestly tell a relationship isn’t what she wants. She loves her independence and alone time too much.

Acting on emotions is a tricky thing. You say you want to be single and alone but if someone interesting comes along then your heart is going to act for you.

There’s a part of me that wants to be friends because I enjoy her company and we’re each others best friend, shared a lot, etc so she’s worth keeping in my life. But there’s also a small part of me hoping to fix my own issues and show her I actually am this fun guy and she made the wrong decision. We once had that spark and I became too serious over time which ruined it due to my own issues.

The problem with that is, yes like you say, I’m gambling with my heart on that. I’m not putting my eggs into this one basket and will keep myself available to other women. It’s a gamble I’m happy to take but also happy to risk losing too

Edited May 26, 2023 by ramboparrot

May 26, 2023

I keep waking up with my mind racing, when the reality sets in and remembering what she said such as spark has gone, doesn’t want to be with me anymore, etc and I keep thinking how can you go from that excited message planning our holiday and future home telling me you love me to this in 2-3 days? I know we had a disagreement the day after (it wasn’t that bad, I was just stubborn with my opinions) and that was the final straw for her, so I have regrets in my mind.

I got angry with feeling how easily I’ve been cut off after we’ve shared this last year together. I decided to write down a message I wanted to send her into my notes, to let off some steam. I’d feel harsh for sending this but it made me feel better writing it:

“’I’m done. You’re right, I deserve better. I shouldn’t have to have mixed messages on Sunday looking forward to a holiday and buying a house to you disposing me as quickly as possible a couple of days later. Good luck finding someone who’s going to stick by you as much as I did when it got tough. Plenty of times I could’ve walked away but didn’t. Anyway please drop my key off in my letterbox when you’re nearby. Best we block and cut all contact, I’d rather draw a line under all this and forget about this past year. Thanks for making me see sense. Good luck in the future.”

May 26, 2023

She keeps watching all my instagram stories too. If I upload 4 in a row I can see she’s seen all of them. Nothing major, but she did this last time and said to me she noticed me having fun from my instagram stories

I’m not going to act rashly about anything. I’ve seen a notification on whatsapp for her reply, which took her nearly a day to reply to so I’m going to leave it a day to get back and focus on myself instead. Anything I want to say is being saved as a note and I’m going to reply if she does (if it warrants a reply). Ideally with all she has going on I need to give her space and give her a chance to miss me over time, but also work on myself too. Not saying she will miss me but she has before. As time goes on I guess you forget the bad things and remember the good so if I wanted this again she’d have to miss me on her own terms. Again, not waiting around for that.

Edited May 26, 2023 by ramboparrot

May 26, 2023

2 hours ago, ramboparrot said:

The overthinking i’d say no, as it’s part of my anxiety. She encouraged me to seek counselling for it but it seems to be an issue for her. Every conversation she would tell me to stop overthinking, even if it was for the simplest thing. Got a bit annoying sometimes. Only way I got around it was by sounding short/not talking much. Sometimes I’d feel she calls me out on it just because I talk so much.

She says that I always explain everything when not everything needs an explanation.

I like having a plan and just being a man who has things in order, but I think her issue is once I have that plan I’m not open minded enough to change things and that I always have to stick with it.

Both are things that she mentioned were draining her when she gave me the break up message. So I’d say it’s something I’d want to improve. The fact she said she’s happier on her own than with me shows me this is not a good thing for me and I want to be more flexible and calm minded.

I know I’ve mentioned the autism and grievance counselling for the loss of her son but she does get heavily depressed which can affect feelings of love and push people away. She stays in her bedroom all day a lot of days according to her mum.

To be honest, it sounds like both of you have similar issues (to be clear, not same dx) and perhaps you bonded over being neuro diverse, but then the differences in your individual diversity came into play. And then it all fell apart.

Nothing can change what you had with her, but perhaps individual therapy would be helpful for you and your future relationships

May 26, 2023

3 hours ago, ramboparrot said:

Both are things that she mentioned were draining her when she gave me the break up message. So I’d say it’s something I’d want to improve. The fact she said she’s happier on her own than with me shows me this is not a good thing for me and I want to be more flexible and calm minded.

I know I’ve mentioned the autism and grievance counselling for the loss of her son but she does get heavily depressed which can affect feelings of love and push people away. She stays in her bedroom all day a lot of days according to her mum.

Which only means that you're going to have to work that much harder. It is all well and good to be loyal and supportive all you want, but the truth is that you can never love someone deeply enough to fix their problems for them. Don't forget your own needs and feelings when you are trying to love someone else.

She ended the relationship. I think the only thing you CAN do is to give her the space she obviously needs and wants. The mistake many people in your shoes make is to push themselves on their partner, when their partner starts expressing ambivalence about the relationship. Pushing yourself on a partner who doesn't want to be with you can make them feel trapped and resentful.

But in truth, your ex may have been thinking about this for quite some time, since most people don't bring up things like breaking up until they are pretty certain it is what they want. So any attempts to ramp up attention are unlikely to succeed. Then she'll resent you for not giving her what she wants, because that's how these things go. Breaking up partners often want to move on without showing any signs that they hurt someone. And every time you are around, you serve as a reminder that what she did hurt you. In such cases, she doubles down and will then blame the other partner (you) for "overthinking" because...well, it's easier than accepting the fact that her feelings and decisions have caused pain.

Sometimes, the best way around it might be to try and show the other person that you're listening without trying to explain too much. Just listen and validate the other person's feelings. It might be hard, but try to not take her frustrations personally but rather be understanding of where she is coming from in this situation and that she may be overwhelmed by the emotions she is going through.

My advice would be to just accept the gravity of the situation and start treating it as an opportunity to learn and become better. Don't try to change her mind but instead change your own outlook on the situation. The process may be difficult but it will be worth it in the long run, as you will become more aware of the dynamics of relationships and be better equipped to handle similar situations in the future.

May 26, 2023

2 hours ago, ramboparrot said:

I’ve seen a notification on whatsapp for her reply, which took her nearly a day to reply to so I’m going to leave it a day to get back

What's the point in playing games like this?

It's not mature.

You're better off just being an adult, wish her the best and close the book.

May 26, 2023

She shows up unannounced using the key you gave her after disagreements and previous break ups? Considering how she’s conducted herself in the past I’ve no doubt she’ll attempt to do the same in the future.

I know you still have feelings for her but this isn’t a person who is thinking or behaving in a way with any consideration for you. You seem to have grown to enjoy her behaviour and want her to miss you, act completely unstable and do whatever she wants or wishes.

Continuing a friendship is only going to draw this out and drag you along for longer.

Being too unyielding and not as adaptable will run you into some issues (not just in relationships). It’s great to have a plan regardless. Just be open to tweaking things if warranted as new info presents itself. You recognize this in yourself and have a self-awareness.

Good to hear you’re asking your key back but make it brief. It’s none of her business what you feel. The relationship is over and she ended it.

May 26, 2023

9 hours ago, ramboparrot said:

She keeps watching all my instagram stories too. If I upload 4 in a row I can see she’s seen all of them. Nothing major, but she did this last time and said to me she noticed me having fun from my instagram stories

The more she (and to some extent you) keep her "in your mind," the longer it will be before you "process" the break up and move on.

Is keeping just a bit of her finger in the pie so she can come back around if she chooses something she wants? Dunno, but is it something you want? I'd say if you want to free yourself from all this hot/cold on/off drama it's probably not...

May 26, 2023

9 hours ago, ramboparrot said:

It’s true, she planned to be single until 40

So? That doesn't mean she will stick to it. Life is full of twists and turns. She might meet a man this weekend who blows her mind and then, well, you know the rest. It would be short-sighted to hedge any bets on her staying single for years.

9 hours ago, ramboparrot said:

She keeps watching all my instagram stories too. If I upload 4 in a row I can see she’s seen all of them. Nothing major, but she did this last time and said to me she noticed me having fun from my instagram stories

What is the point of this, really? Trying to get her attention on social media, I mean. It's going to keep you stuck in a dead-end, on-off, dysfunctional mess. I can guarantee you the dreams of traveling and buying a house together are not going to happen. If you got back together, it would end all the same and you'd be looking at a second break-up.

May 27, 2023

Just an update. I absolutely messed this up and I should’ve just accepted the breakup. This is an example of how not to deal with it:

This is how it went down. She rejected the friends idea and wanted to be friends from a distance instead. I questioned it because she always saw us as best friends etc. She told me to give it a rest and move on. I mentioned about being confused how into me she was last weekend to now breaking up.

Her reply was “Yeah, because I am sick and tired of pretending to be happy for everyone else’s sake! I am now being selfish and putting me first! I’ve explained this to you in so many different ways! Not my fault your not getting the message and accepting it’s over. If we were friends you’ll be wanting to get back together and it’s never going to happen! Tuff s***! It is what is! We are friends but from a distance! I don’t want you to be there for me! So again for the last time accept and move on before I cut you out my life completely. Stop begging it and forcing me to do s***”

I apologised for pushing it and that I didn’t want her to resent me, that at least we had a good time just that I was disappointed it panned out the way it did. I mentioned instagram and said that we could at least still be friends on there and also asked for my key back.

She replied “it’s for the best. No one stays in touch with an ex it’s too hard for the person wishing it wasn’t over. In this situation it’s you. The reason I removed you from instagram is because my best friend told me you upload a pity post on Facebook feeling sorry for yourself yet again. “I’ve messed everything up, it’s all my fault…” like seriously you need to man [ ]up. I don’t want to see s*** like that so I removed you from my Instagram and it will also be easier for you as you are clearly taking this way too hard. All good things come to an end and sadly this is our end. I have a lot of dark demons I have to fight on a daily basis and the last thing I need is you sending long a** conversations, overthinking and feeling sorry for yourself. The respectful thing to do is leave it where it is and walk away as well.

Your an amazing person, I hope counselling helps you and you find happiness. I wish you all the best in life I really do but now it’s time to let us go on at least a good note. Please!”

I didn’t reply to this, but the Facebook post I took down quickly when my friend said it was better not to do it. Unfortunately her best friend had already seen it and shown it to her.

Then the following morning she sends this “Right no! Absolutely not! Why [ ]are you messaging my mum! [ ] Leave me alone. I don’t want you anywhere near me! How [ ]dare you message my mum and show her conversations of us! Your a [ ] psychopath! Keys gone in the bin! Now! Now I don’t want anything to do with you!!”

She’s now blocked me on whatsapp and I totally deserve it. I’d only showed her mum about the conversation where we’d agreed to going on holiday and buying a house. I’d spoken to her mum about how she was doing with counselling as my ex didn’t like talking about it but in my mind I was doing it from care.

I’ve absolutely destroyed what decency she had of me and any good memories we’ve had because she’ll always see me as this psychopath now. I’m never like this and I tend to just agree for the sake of it, but I suppose it’s difficult to let go when you still love them.

Last time she broke up with me in person (2 months ago) I questioned it in person but when she left it was easier to let it go because there was nothing to respond to.

I seem to handle breakups much better in person than I do over text because I’m not given the time to overthink what I can do to resolve it.

I also feel like part of me wanted her to hate me completely and block me, which is maybe why I pushed it. I knew she was never going to come back after the breakup, so part of me wanted to push it so if I’m blocked and she hates me then it’s easier for myself to move on.

But I do wish I’d just not replied to the breakup message or said “Okay, good luck in the future” and accepted it.

Edited May 27, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language

May 27, 2023

Sorry for the essay, but thanks for your guys support through this.

It wasn’t a perfect relationship but it was the first girl who said they’re in love with me. Maybe I was blinded by that and the good moments whilst ignoring the bad moments like her inner demons she was going through. After the first breakup we discussed counselling and see where we were in 6-12 months and I wished we did that instead of jumping in a second time.

I have a lot of self improvement to do. I just hate rejection and losing that special someone but I need to learn to deal with it as that’s life.

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Girlfriend (f31) being short with me (m31) and removed our photos from instagram. Was it down to me or is there something else?

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