Girlfriend (f31) being short with me (m31) and removed our photos from instagram. Was it down to me or is there something else?

May 24, 2023

We’ve been together officially for 9 months and have a holiday planned for our anniversary in September. Although I’m confused with recent events and I want to see where I can improve and if this situation was completely down to my doing.

We’d been talking about improving our fitness together and on Monday she was encouraging me to watch the video. She was very flirty saying she can’t wait to see my new sexy body, etc.

Later that evening we facetimed and it did seem like she was forcing the idea onto me as we had a disagreement in opinions and that I wanted to follow a different plan as my body requires different due to wanting to bulk. She kept insisting on watching the video and it got us both annoyed to the point I started being more reserved, then she ended the call quite abruptly.

Later on I messaged thanking her for sending mr the video and motivating us to get healthier but I’m just set in my own way of doing things. Told her I love her and she replied “Yeah, no worries. I’m use to it xxx”

The next day I messaged hoping she was having a great day in which she returned a cold message back saying “No i’m not ok.”. I said sorry for the other night and I know I’m stubborn that she wants the best for us.

She replied “It’s not that, I’m just drained from it all.”. My reply was “Okay well if you’re wanting to leave it here then fair enough, I’d rather you not feel drained by it”. She replied “Ok” then deleted our photos together on instagram.

I don’t know if we’ve broken up, I’m assuming so from her saying ok and removing photos but I don’t know if it’s because of me offering to “leave it here” and she was expecting me to ask why she was feeling the way she does instead? Maybe she felt I didn’t care?

I don’t want her to think I don’t care because I do, so I plan to talk about it properly if she allows me to.

It just seems odd after a disagreement and it hurts that she removed those photos, almost as if she’d rather be single and focus on someone else

May 24, 2023

You did nothing wrong.

She is rude and spoilt.

She is trying to model you into something she wants with complete disregard with how it could affect you.

Her whole attitude is disrespectful.

Ask her straight what her problem is, because you do not deserve the way she is treating you.

May 24, 2023

21 minutes ago, JTSW said:

You did nothing wrong.

She is rude and spoilt.

She is trying to model you into something she wants with complete disregard with how it could affect you.

Her whole attitude is disrespectful.

Ask her straight what her problem is, because you do not deserve the way she is treating you.

It’s happened a few times and I’ll have to make my opinion clear that I don’t want to do it, she’ll kick up a fuss and give in.

My problem is I feel like I escalate it into something bigger than it needed to be. She wanted me to be open minded and watch the video. I should’ve just agreed and watched it, saving my opinions to myself whilst biting my tongue.

She was enthusiastic about the idea and I feel like i’ve shot it down being negative

Last time we broke up was due to her being in a bad place due to the anniversary of her son’s death. She started grievance counselling and came back to me and we’ve been great since. She didn’t delete our photos back then, so it hurts seeing it happen now. Feels more like instead of telling me we’ve broken up in person, she’s just done it through her actions instead.

I plan to message her later today and be more adult about it. Ask her why she feels drained, etc

May 24, 2023

Just simply ask her what's going on.

You don't need to go into any details about her feeling drained.

Ask her the reason for her deleting all the photos of the two of you on IG.

Stop blaming yourself.

She knows that you are set in your ways so she should accept that.

May 24, 2023

14 minutes ago, JTSW said:

Just simply ask her what's going on.

You don't need to go into any details about her feeling drained.

Ask her the reason for her deleting all the photos of the two of you on IG.

Stop blaming yourself.

She knows that you are set in your ways so she should accept that.

She jokes about my overthinking and anxiety a lot so she knows it’s part of me but how we both deal with it sometimes does cause friction and I feel partly responsible.

What do you think of my planned message? I don’t want to sound accusing, I want to sound understanding.

“How come you removed our photos? I’m guessing that means we’re done then. Can we talk about this properly, you said it’s not from the other night so how come you’re feeling drained from it all? Let me know what you’re feeling because I don’t want to lose something good here, but I’m not going to push you into something you don’t want either”.

Edited May 24, 2023 by ramboparrot

May 24, 2023

6 minutes ago, ramboparrot said:

“How come you removed our photos? I’m guessing that means we’re done then. Can we talk about this properly, you said it’s not from the other night so how come you’re feeling drained from it all? Let me know what you’re feeling because I don’t want to lose something good here, but I’m not going to push you into something you don’t want either”.

Yeah, that sounds good.

Please update on her response.

May 24, 2023

1 hour ago, ramboparrot said:

We’d been talking about improving our fitness together and on Monday she was encouraging me to watch the video. She was very flirty saying she can’t wait to see my new sexy body, etc.

Sorry this happened. Whose idea was it to do a fitness plan together? And why? Why is she overinvested in your fitness?

You have a vacation planned so it doesn't seem like a breakup.

How is the rest of the relationship? Does she fly off the handle about other things? Why was it so important to her for you to follow her fitness plan and watch the video?

Why can't each of you do whatever is best for your situation and follow whatever nutrition and exercise plan is appropriate?

Basically she seems upset about something but it appears that she's overreacting to this.

Step back and let the dust settle. Discontinue explaining or telling her why it's not a good plan for you. Just let her do her own thing. Try not to get in a power struggle about who has the best plan or videos.

Edited May 24, 2023 by Wiseman2

May 24, 2023

32 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Whose idea was it to do a fitness plan together? And why? Why is she overinvested in your fitness?

You have a vacation planned so it doesn't seem like a breakup.

How is the rest of the relationship? Does she fly off the handle about other things? Why was it so important to her for you to follow her fitness plan and watch the video?

Why can't each of you do whatever is best for your situation and follow whatever nutrition and exercise plan is appropriate?

Basically she seems upset about something but it appears that she's overreacting to this.

Step back and let the dust settle. Discontinue explaining or telling her why it's not a good plan for you. Just let her do her own thing. Try not to get in a power struggle about who has the best plan or videos.

Originally we both agreed to start meal prepping so we started doing this together but she wanted me to do the second half of the week myself. Unfortunately I was broke until payday and had to shop for other things cheap. I told her I made stuff out of embarrassment but she found out I didn’t when she turned up without warning a few days later. Initially she said she was annoyed I lied and wondered why I couldn’t be straight up about it as we’re supposed to be a team and I agree, I was at fault there.

We both went into the idea of exercising and keeping fit, but she was fine with the idea that I had to eat more and exercise differently but was very insistent I watched the video. She felt like I was making excuses not to go to the gym but I told her I can’t until I get paid.

The vacation is about 2000 in total under her name. Last time we had a bit of a moment (this was my fault, I had a long day), she wanted me to pay for my half of holiday we weren’t going to go on and I refused to (when we got back on good terms the holiday was back on). So the fact the holiday payment hasn’t been brought up suggests to me she’s annoyed with me right now but doesn’t see it as a complete breakup like you’re saying. She’d be chasing me for the money otherwise, it’s a lot for her unless she’s just thought it’s not worth the effort.

It did feel like a power struggle at the time and we’re both stubborn. I plan to discuss why she’s feeling drained, removing photos, etc later on like an adult as I won’t get a true answer without communicating

Edited May 24, 2023 by ramboparrot

May 24, 2023

33 minutes ago, ramboparrot said:

she wanted me to pay for my half of holiday we weren’t going to go on and I refused to

34 minutes ago, ramboparrot said:

The vacation is about 2000 in total under her name.

So she has paid for this holiday and you have refused to pay your half?

May 24, 2023

47 minutes ago, JTSW said:

So she has paid for this holiday and you have refused to pay your half?

We’re both due to make our first payment end of this month. At that time she was wanting me to pay for the ticket in full when she refunds the holiday. This was of course a few weeks ago and since then we’ve been wanting to go on holiday.

May 24, 2023

It sounds like it’s been off and on for awhile. I’m not sure why she is so invested in your fitness or why this needs to be a team effort. Is she concerned about your overall health or has it affected your lives ie sex etc?

Ask her where she’s at and try and establish separate fitness goals and meal plans. You both have your own timeline and goals. Don’t comingle working out schedules or meal prep.

In regards to the holiday, talk about it. If it’s not a good time then call it off. The relationship seems too volatile to keep going on this way.

May 24, 2023

1 hour ago, glows said:

It sounds like it’s been off and on for awhile. I’m not sure why she is so invested in your fitness or why this needs to be a team effort. Is she concerned about your overall health or has it affected your lives ie sex etc?

Ask her where she’s at and try and establish separate fitness goals and meal plans. You both have your own timeline and goals. Don’t comingle working out schedules or meal prep.

In regards to the holiday, talk about it. If it’s not a good time then call it off. The relationship seems too volatile to keep going on this way.

First 5-6 months were great but as we got closer to her son’s anniversary her mood declined which had a ricochet effect. First break up was my fault reacting to her mood swings but I wrote her a letter and she said she missed me. Second time was me being in a mood a bit, which resulted in her wanting to refund holiday. Recent one I feel like I turn things into an argument by being stubborn with my opinions when I should’ve just agreed to watch the video.

She hasn’t brought up refunding the holiday or breaking up like she did in person last time, all I got was “Ok” and her removing our pics.

She still has the trauma of the death of her son and she’s also autistic too. I do feel like if I work on how I communicate or just be more open minded then it wouldn’t cause issues.

I guess we’ll see if she’s open to fixing things. If not then nothing I can do, apart from hoping she misses me (which she usually comes back saying).

May 24, 2023

Ordinarily I'd say it sounds like she's "done" OR that she's being quite emotionally manipulative. However I haven't dated people strongly on the ASD spectrum, so perhaps it's harder to read into things with folks like that. If this sort of thing has happened before with her, perhaps she'll come around again sooner or later.

TBQH this doesn't sound like a particularly emotionally fulfilling relationship. However, it's your life and your choices to make. If it's working for you then so be it.

May 24, 2023

Update, it’s over completely and there’s no going back. This is what she replied:

”I’m not happy, I honestly mean that. I’ve tried so hard to make this work but for me it’s not working. I just want to be on my own and deal with my own s***. The spark has gone for me and I don’t want to continue pretending this is what we want because it’s not. You won’t ever walk away from me even though you know we’re not right for each other. So I’m sorry but it’s actually over now, it’s for the best. If you feel the need to cut contact with me then, feel free.“

I called her and she said she’d been forcing herself to be happy for the last few weeks. It seemed odd because she genuinely seemed happy recently, so I’d never have known. Only issue in the last couple of weeks was her wanting me to be more dominant in the bedroom which I started being.

She mentioned the multiple break ups and arguing that we weren’t right for each other and that she said she was a difficult person to know, that she just wants it to be herself and her own issues, nobody else, etc. I mentioned about all the good times we had but she said there were more bad times.

I feel responsible because sometimes I’d suck the fun out and not back down from my own opinion or idea which caused friction. I’ve had plenty of chances from her and I’ve not changed. I wish I could’ve gone back and been more fun and less serious about things.

She said she can’t help her feelings and her feelings for me are never going to change. She isn’t sure if she loves me. Also that we want different things and brought up that I want kids she doesn’t. I told her I’m open to the idea but I’m happy without because I felt like I met the one,

This is similar to our first break when she was dead set on not being in love and was really serious about it, only for a week later for her to start missing me. She suffers badly from depression and is going through grievance counselling.

All I can hope is that in the long run she misses me. Maybe once things improve for her depression/grieving wise and time passes she might forget the negatives and look back fondly wanting to give things another go. I’m not holding out on this and will get on with my life. She’s been known to lash out and make decisions rashly in the moment (her mum says).

Maybe in time she’ll start to miss me but can’t change how she feels. If the sparks gone for her then it’s gone. This has happened before so who knows

May 24, 2023

27 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Ordinarily I'd say it sounds like she's "done" OR that she's being quite emotionally manipulative. However I haven't dated people strongly on the ASD spectrum, so perhaps it's harder to read into things with folks like that. If this sort of thing has happened before with her, perhaps she'll come around again sooner or later.

TBQH this doesn't sound like a particularly emotionally fulfilling relationship. However, it's your life and your choices to make. If it's working for you then so be it.

The good moments made the relationship worth it, we’d have fun weekends together and it always looked like I put a genuine smile and laugh on her face. Unfortunately she feels we had more bad moments than good. We had major moments that affected things but I’d say there were a number of small happy moments that made up for it.

She did this last time and was strongly set on breaking up. She was dealing with her son’s anniversary and start of her counselling, heavy depression, etc. Speaking to her mum she told me she can shut people out and can stay in her bedroom a lot, that the counselling brings out a lot of her emotions. She eventually missed me after we had a week of space, unfortunately the difference was she kept our photos up then but not now.

Looks like this is one too many for her now and I’m being seen as something more negative than positive in her life which isn’t helping with her mental health. Her social life is 99% me at weekends so hopefully she misses me again and it brings back some of those feelings. Unfortunately that’s wishful thinking and I think that’s it now.

Can someone invent a time machine?

May 24, 2023

Looking back at the weekend, we seemed like we were in a good place. She offered to come round straight after a long shift at work and have pizza with me, we sat on the balcony and she took a video of her smiling then pointed it at me then back at herself with a cheeky grin. She even pulled me in after wanting to kiss me. She even kept going on about this funny proposal video she saw and told me which way she wants me to propose to her. She’d facetime me every lunch break too.

Then the day after, her message to me right before the call was “Take the quiz take the quiz I want to see your sexy body even sexier xxx”

She said it had nothing to do with that call and she was forcing herself to be happy the previous few weeks so she must’ve been a very good actor. Just seemed convenient that me creating drama over nothing was what made her break it off.

It did happen last time and I thought that was it, but she came back missing me. Her mum talks to me saying there’s been a lot of stress and emotions from this counselling. It makes sense that this and the depression has possibly numbed her feelings for me again, but think I’m being too hopeful.

I never saw it coming before yesterday. She changes her mind a LOT. You can guarantee if we had plans they would end up different. I do wonder if that’s the same with her emotions. One moment she can be doubting everything, hating life then the next she’s all over me and very clingy. The last breakup she was so stern and sure about not being in love with me I could tell that was it, then a week later she misses me.

Anyway I’ve got to focus on improving myself. If by an absolute miracle she came back I need to be more composed and improved after my own counselling, not just for her but for myself.

May 24, 2023

Counselling is always a good idea even when things are going well. Having a sounding board or neutral third party to talk to can make a difference. A person doesn’t need to be going through a hard time to talk to someone. If you’re considering it for yourself, kudos to you for wanting to improve yourself.

She’s grieving the loss of her child so give more space. Unfortunately that may also mean a relationship with her is not realistic. I’m sorry to hear about this.

May 24, 2023

20 minutes ago, glows said:

Counselling is always a good idea even when things are going well. Having a sounding board or neutral third party to talk to can make a difference. A person doesn’t need to be going through a hard time to talk to someone. If you’re considering it for yourself, kudos to you for wanting to improve yourself.

She’s grieving the loss of her child so give more space. Unfortunately that may also mean a relationship with her is not realistic. I’m sorry to hear about this.

That’s caused issues as i’ve reacted to her meltdowns, which got me seeking counselling. These last few weeks have been on me though. I’ve been strongly opinionated and would never back down which caused friction. I’d also overthink things (she brought this up) which makes me feel i’d suck the joy out of things.

I tried and I miss her. Wish I could get another chance and just be more open minded and calmer, Did everything I could to make her happy, but who is to say that would’ve changed anything. Her depression and grieving may have made her feelings fall flat in the same way. I’m just sad that she saw more negatives than positives, finally found someone I gelled with and could be my comfortable self around

May 24, 2023

The fact that she’s happy to pay for a £2000 holiday in total and not ask for any money tells me she’s done completely. She said she knew I couldn’t afford to give up that money and not go, but still. Probably just wanted to save herself from any conflict.

Looking back at how we were at the weekend to now, I’m just stunned. All over me to not wanting anything to do with me at all.

May 24, 2023

Looking at messages from her from Sunday and Monday, shocked to see how it’s gone from her being like this:

“Good morning handsome, see you had fun yesterday on Instagram. Loving the healthy food shop by the way definitely need to go to the dentist, I think you might have an infection. Promise you now! Get that’s sorted and I wouldn’t be able to keep my hands off you haha xxx”

“Any who, Greece is going to be our last holiday for a while as we’re buying a home next year so YouTube everything to do in Sithonia and let get excited for it love you baby xxx”

“Take the quiz take the quiz I want to see your sexy body even sexier xxx”

To breaking up with me ha. Usually see distance for a while before it happens, why it feels so sudden to me. She seemed so into me a couple of days ago.

Maybe the counselling session brought up a lot like her mum was saying and it hit her hard.

Sorry for going on and on… I have to offload for my own sanity

May 24, 2023

20 minutes ago, ramboparrot said:

Looking back at how we were at the weekend to now, I’m just stunned. All over me to not wanting anything to do with me at all.

Break ups rarely happen out of the blue. It’s likely she’s been ruminating about breaking up for awhile. But in the meantime going through the motions and acting the part. I don’t think this is a rash, spur of the moment decision. She won’t want to get back together.

The best thing for you is to delete and block her on everything. Go full no contact, and then let time do its thing. It will take awhile to grieve the relationship but you will get there.

May 24, 2023

2 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

Break ups rarely happen out of the blue. It’s likely she’s been ruminating about breaking up for awhile. But in the meantime going through the motions and acting the part. I don’t think this is a rash, spur of the moment decision. She won’t want to get back together.

The best thing for you is to delete and block her on everything. Go full no contact, and then let time do its thing. It will take awhile to grieve the relationship but you will get there.

Yeah this is the thing, she did say she’d been trying to force being happy for the last few weeks so it makes sense. It just seemed different in her actions recently. A+ for acting I guess. All these times I felt we were having a good time and her wanting to buy a house with me was all fake. I don’t understand why she spent so much time looking for houses, never asked her to do that. It’s what confuses me.

I considered blocking her, but I’m finding it difficult. This happened last time and she ended up missing me. To me it feels wrong blocking her because her mum still gets on with me. I don’t plan to speak to my ex but I like to keep the door open as an option. It just feels better to have that extra option than shutting it off forever. I’m always a “what if” guy, but I’ll be moving on with my life as well

May 24, 2023

It’s pathetic that I’m looking back at conversations from a week ago and not seeing them as genuine. Stuff like her sending a photo to me of it saying “i’m so so so so so in love with you” and one with a quote that said our relationship was the best thing to happen to her when what was going through her mind was breaking up

May 24, 2023

You're all over the place here. And you are determined to blame yourself, which is blocking you from seeing what's going on.

You missed the boat here. This was very manipulative: We’d been talking about improving our fitness together and on Monday she was encouraging me to watch the video. She was very flirty saying she can’t wait to see my new sexy body, etc.

You have the right now to immediately watch a video recommended by her. But here's the real deal. She was manipulating you. Franky, that quote above indicates she does NOT like your body now. She can't wait to see your new sexy body? Sounds like she's saying she's not attracted to your body right now. But your body is your body and if she doesn't like it, then she can go find someone with a body she likes more. If you want to work on your body fine. But her pushing you to work on your body--that doesn't work. Traditionally of course, it's the man pressing the woman to go exercise, again implicitly criticizing her body.

You missed the insult here, the boundary violation. People need to have their own fitness routines. And if they want to embrace the same routine (which is a bit weird) they both need to be equally invested. I've gone to the gym with exes before, but we go our separate ways.

You missed: she was pressuring you to get into better shape. She hit that behind the "I want you to watch a video." Well did you recently tell her there was a video that you wanted HER to watch? And did you tell her the relationship depended on her watching this video? Can you see how manipulative that is?

May 24, 2023

12 hours ago, ramboparrot said:

My reply was “Okay well if you’re wanting to leave it here then fair enough, I’d rather you not feel drained by it”

There must have been issues other than the gym thing which would cause you to offer to walk away. I mean, if you really care about someone, you don't offer to break up over them being a bit cross or frustrated with you. And those issues would likely have been playing into her acceptance of your offer.

29 minutes ago, ramboparrot said:

It’s pathetic that I’m looking back at conversations from a week ago and not seeing them as genuine. Stuff like her sending a photo to me of it saying “i’m so so so so so in love with you” and one with a quote that said our relationship was the best thing to happen to her when what was going through her mind was breaking up

She's probably wondering the same about you. Why you'd want out.

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Girlfriend (f31) being short with me (m31) and removed our photos from instagram. Was it down to me or is there something else?

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