basil67 Posted May 28, 2023 Posted May 28, 2023 21 hours ago, clh1920 said: he did mention he doesn't handle things like pressure, stress etc very well For what it's worth, this comment should put you on high alert. Poor emotional control is a big problem. Life is full of pressure and stress. From the small stuff like a bus which is cancelled to having the rug pulled out under you at work. Yes, it's frustrating and can be stressful when this happens, but a good life partner is someone who can manage their frustration without imploding their relationship. Honesty, I think you dodged a bullet here
Author clh1920 Posted May 28, 2023 Author Posted May 28, 2023 18 hours ago, Alpacalia said: Well maybe you can reframe this a bit. What makes you feel so bad about someone who is clearly unavailable? Remember that his ill-tempered reactions may say more about him than about you. Being able to take responsibility for his problem without defensively blaming you is an indication that he is emotionally mature. If he cannot do this, thank him for his honesty and then move on. Despite your inadvertently "triggered" his frustration, it is highly unlikely that you represent its source. I'm glad that you took some time for yourself. Keep it up. Maybe you are right. I mean, he didn't even mention the words "it's over" he just didn't reply much to my texts on the Sunday and by the Monday morning I still hadnt heard so had to ask him if I was meeting him for breakfast before work which we did every morning (to which he finally replied no) and then the conversation of I need space to get myself better, with no pressure etc happened (over text again) then when I asked to not keep me hanging on with "let's keep it friendly and see how we go"...his reply was to say i push and push & we had fallen out and it was all my fault. So yeah, maybe you're right. The problem isn't really with me. Or I might have added to it (pressure) without knowing. But if he didn't want to discuss it then I couldn't help or change things.
Acacia98 Posted May 28, 2023 Posted May 28, 2023 On 5/27/2023 at 4:07 AM, stillafool said: He may be seeing someone else and is only angry because he knows his break up excuse with you was and that is why he got upset when you questioned him. Stop blaming yourself as there is more to this story than you're aware. I actually thought the same, OP.
Author clh1920 Posted May 28, 2023 Author Posted May 28, 2023 3 hours ago, basil67 said: For what it's worth, this comment should put you on high alert. Poor emotional control is a big problem. Life is full of pressure and stress. From the small stuff like a bus which is cancelled to having the rug pulled out under you at work. Yes, it's frustrating and can be stressful when this happens, but a good life partner is someone who can manage their frustration without imploding their relationship. Honesty, I think you dodged a bullet here Thank you. It should have put me on high alert. But I'm stupid and it didn't. He always comes across as a friendly, kind, mild mannered man. But yes had mentioned in past convos doesn't deal well with pressure, is stubborn, and if doesn't get along with someone then thats that kind of thing (though I thought thay was just big talk....I guess I was wrong). As I've written in one of my replies. He couldn't even outright tell me it was over. Just ignored my texts until I asked him outright. All I got out of the blue was the "not a great time, feeling pressured by everything, need to sort myself out & get in a good place again". ...then how we can stay friendly & see how it goes. Then he lost his temper when I said don't keep me hanging on. I sway from it feeling like it's all my fault (& we still would have had a chance if I'd of not said anything about not keeping me hanging on), to this is his fault with his problems and he's taking it out on me. He can't even look me in the eye when I've had to speak to him about work on one occasion (he avoided me the rest of last week & also didnt go to the evening out). He left stuff on my desk last week which I presume was to be picked up by a client. I had no message nor any info about it which i would expect from any memeber of the team there. Just a post it note with (I presume) the clients name on it. I admit part of me wondered if he was trying to get a response out of me (asking him what it was, why it's there etc). But I didn't. I'm so sorry to waffle on like I do. I'm just trying to process it all as it came as such a shock to me. Thank you
basil67 Posted May 28, 2023 Posted May 28, 2023 Waffle on as much as you need. It can be cathartic. Make sure to bear in mind that we are all kind and mild mannered when things are going well. The truth of our personalities comes out when we are challenged. I maintain that everyday challenging environments (bad drivers on the road, bad service at the supermarket, problems at work) show us up for who we really are. Take notice of the "small things"
Author clh1920 Posted May 28, 2023 Author Posted May 28, 2023 1 hour ago, basil67 said: Waffle on as much as you need. It can be cathartic. Make sure to bear in mind that we are all kind and mild mannered when things are going well. The truth of our personalities comes out when we are challenged. I maintain that everyday challenging environments (bad drivers on the road, bad service at the supermarket, problems at work) show us up for who we really are. Take notice of the "small things" Thank you Looking back, even when we first got together he wasn't going through a good time. He had stuff going on (legal issues over the sale of his mums house who passed away a few years ago, issues wkth his toxic boss....who i do have work dealings with myself and they are toxic and a few other issues), but when we'd spend time together etc we got along so well, he'd call me amazing and special to him, that he thought we were great together and so on. I think maybe he used our few months together as a happy distraction maybe and when he felt I was adding to the pressure etc he'd had enough. He still could have spoken to me about it though. Even when he was ending it with me he said I could still meet his best friend when he was back home (his friend works away) next month. Then I messed it up by asking him to not fob me off and keep me hanging on with the "let's see how it goes" line. Anyway, I'm aware I am repeating myself lol. I'm going to take myself out again for a couple of hours to take my mind off things and not think about him (or try not to).
Alpacalia Posted May 28, 2023 Posted May 28, 2023 5 hours ago, clh1920 said: Maybe you are right. I mean, he didn't even mention the words "it's over" he just didn't reply much to my texts on the Sunday and by the Monday morning I still hadnt heard so had to ask him if I was meeting him for breakfast before work which we did every morning (to which he finally replied no) and then the conversation of I need space to get myself better, with no pressure etc happened (over text again) then when I asked to not keep me hanging on with "let's keep it friendly and see how we go"...his reply was to say i push and push & we had fallen out and it was all my fault. So yeah, maybe you're right. The problem isn't really with me. Or I might have added to it (pressure) without knowing. But if he didn't want to discuss it then I couldn't help or change things. I think he made the comments about not responding well to pressure, for example, because he likely hoped you would take his comments as a cue to back off and not place too much pressure on him. He was trying to do damage control and avoid being put in a situation he would find uncomfortable. I can totally understand wanting reassurance and freaking out a bit when he didn't intend to meet you for breakfast as originally planned. If he's sick and going through some personal stuff it's understandable that he would want a bit of time to himself to get that sorted. Yes, if you had plans to meet, he could have communicated more clearly. His snappiness wasn't necessary. That aside, if he's going through all this things like he says, it's a lot to expect someone that you're newly dating (you) to be his sounding board and give him the emotional support he needs. It's okay to be understanding and patient, but not provide emotional labor for him, especially so early on in the relationship.
stillafool Posted May 28, 2023 Posted May 28, 2023 10 hours ago, clh1920 said: He can't even look me in the eye when I've had to speak to him about work on one occasion (he avoided me the rest of last week & also didnt go to the evening out). He left stuff on my desk last week which I presume was to be picked up by a client. I had no message nor any info about it which i would expect from any memeber of the team there. Just a post it note with (I presume) the clients name on it. I admit part of me wondered if he was trying to get a response out of me (asking him what it was, why it's there etc). But I didn't. This sounds more like "guilt" to me. He can't look you in the eyes because he's guilty and trying to avoid as much conversation with you as possible.
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