So upset after break up. Work with ex.

[clh1920]

Hi

I'm new here and really at a loss as to what to do as I genuinely feel like I can't win.

Had been seeing this guy who works for the same company as me for 3 months. Everything was going well, we got along great, lots in common and enjoyed eachothers company. He has been very stressed at work as doesn't get along with his boss. He also has a health condition that, while not serious, can flare up regularly.

I thought everything was going great and then at the weekend there was radio silence from him. I messaged a few times, they got read but no reply. I called him a couple of times and he didn't pick up. The next day he didn't message in the morning as usual to meet for breakfast. So I messaged him. He was off with me & said he had already headed to work as leaving early to go to the doctors regarding his health condition that had flared up. 2 messages later and he was telling me he needs to concentrate on getting himself well and feels hassled by everyone. It's worth noting he never said I was hassling him even though I asked him straight out.

He would only communicate with me through WhatsApp during this conversation. He refused to talk on the phone so I didn't ask to see him face to face to talk. He went onto say he due to how he is feeling right now he "wants us to be friendly with no pressure and see how we go". I admit, I asked what that meant, but he just kept repeating the same phrase over and over. I was confused and anxious as was totally blindsided by this reaction. He left work early to go to the Dr's and I sent him a good luck message. He replied with "thank you. I still really want u to meet (best friends name) but I need time and space for things and that's what I'm going to do" I replied with "ok thats fine. But please don't use the "let's see how we go" as a way of keeping me hanging on". Then it hit the fan. He sent text after text telling me how I push and push him and how he's had enough, how I have now caused us to fall out even though its not what he wanted. I admit, I replied begging him to not let us fall out (3 texts....i know). He texted that I now made him unhappy and that's that.

So I refused to reply to anymore of his messages and went silent. I figured if he is accusing me of pushing and pushing him then I wasn't going to hassle him anymore. I kept quiet, didn't respond. I didn't text to see how he got on at the Dr's or anything (even though it nearly killed me). 

This was yesterday....I know, I'm really early on in the break up. Today at work, I didn't message him. I had to interact with him twice professionally. I was civil, friendly and to the point. He couldn't even look at me when he was talking to me (work related). At the end of the day he stormed out of his office to go home, didn't say goodbye to me or my colleagues (we said goodbye to him) and ignored us. One of my colleagues messaged his close female work friend to say he had just stormed off and everyone was worried about him. She called him and he said "he felt unwell (with a flare up) and needed to go",.

I am so sorry this is long. And thank you so much for reading if you got this far. I am totally at a loss. I feel I can't win. I have given him the space he craved (even after begging him not to let us fall out) yet he seems to he extremely angry and avoiding me at all costs. I know this only happened yesterday and today but people are starting to notice (always kept relationship separate so no colleagues know) and I'm I'm a constant state of anxiety as I feel I can't win.

I guess I'm just sounding off. Or wanting to know have I done the right thing by no longer messaging him but being civil and professional during work hours when I have had to talk to him. He can't even look at me.

Edited May 23, 2023 by clh1920
Missed out wording

[clh1920]

I should add that I just need to know what to do. I thought I was doing right in going no contact (as much as I can due to work) and being professional. But I feel im in a lose/lose situation as his anger is quite intense.

[stillafool]

The right thing to do is to back way off.  DO NOT text him anymore or try to get his attention.  Maybe he's not feeling well but he definitely doesn't want to be bothered by you.  Just back off and start looking for new guys to date outside of your work place.  This is why it's never a good idea to get involved with people you work with because when things go sout and they no longer want to be bothered you still have to see them.  Not good.

[stillafool]

3 minutes ago, clh1920 said:

I should add that I just need to know what to do. I thought I was doing right in going no contact (as much as I can due to work) and being professional. But I feel im in a lose/lose situation as his anger is quite intense.

He has a right to not want to talk and to decide he doesn't want a relationship or friendship with you anymore.  It's no longer working for him so pick up your pride and move on to a guy who wants you.  He's angry because he's trying to move on and you won't accept that.  This story sounds very familiar.  You can't make someone love you.

Edited May 23, 2023 by stillafool

[clh1920]

6 minutes ago, stillafool said:

The right thing to do is to back way off.  DO NOT text him anymore or try to get his attention.  Maybe he's not feeling well but he definitely doesn't want to be bothered by you.  Just back off and start looking for new guys to date outside of your work place.  This is why it's never a good idea to get involved with people you work with because when things go sout and they no longer want to be bothered you still have to see them.  Not good.

Sorry my story may seem confusing. I HAVE backed off....I didn't reply to his final text yesterday. I had to talk to him regarding a work issue which was kept civil, work related and professional. I've NOT messaged him at all. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, clh1920 said:

 he had just stormed off and everyone was worried about him. She called him and he said "he felt unwell (with a flare up) and needed to go".

Sorry this happened. This is completely his issue. Definitely don't contact him again and stay professional at work. It seems like you dodged a bullet. Whatever it is he is going through, he doesn't seem ready to date. Nothing you could have done.

[glows]

Hey, 

just checking in here seeing your post. I think it’s best to give him some space. Keep in mind that a person who is moody and struggling to figure things out or deal with health issues may be working on very uncomfortable issues that have little to do with you. Overall I disagree with the way he’s been curt with you and the mixed messages. It sounds very distant and as if there’s a lack of affection. Am I wrong? This seems to fuel your anxiety further.

Go back to what a partner means to you. If you value stability as in emotional, mental, financial stability re-evaluate if you’re compatible. 

[clh1920]

1 hour ago, glows said:

Hey, 

just checking in here seeing your post. I think it’s best to give him some space. Keep in mind that a person who is moody and struggling to figure things out or deal with health issues may be working on very uncomfortable issues that have little to do with you. Overall I disagree with the way he’s been curt with you and the mixed messages. It sounds very distant and as if there’s a lack of affection. Am I wrong? This seems to fuel your anxiety further.

Go back to what a partner means to you. If you value stability as in emotional, mental, financial stability re-evaluate if you’re compatible. 

There wasn't really a lack of affection when we were together. When we broke up yesterday I thought there was mixed messages and he would not set them straight. But when I asked, that's when he got angry etc. Since then I distanced myself, not messaged him & only spoke to him about a work issue, but is very curt/angry around me (despite me doing what he seemed he wanted me to do).

Thanks for your feedback. I'll continue no contact.

[clh1920]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. This is completely his issue. Definitely don't contact him again and stay professional at work. It seems like you dodged a bullet. Whatever it is he is going through, he doesn't seem ready to date. Nothing you could have done.

I'm trying my hardest to not contact him and (other than the work related issue today where I was professional), I've not spoken to him. 

I keep looking at his messages and thinking I messed up. I know I shouldn't...as I then blame myself for why he is angry (when all I did was ask him to clarify his mixed messages). But you're right....I definitely don't think he is ready to be with anyone.

[HeartAlchemist]

@clh1920 Agreed with the no contact.  Try this.  Tune into your heart (make a sincere attempt to connect with it) and ask your heart, "What's one simple action I can take today to help me feel better about this situation?".

And listen.  Your heart may give you a word or two or tell you something you already know.  Trust your heart's wisdom, it knows what to do.  Hope this helps :)

[Ageless Wisdom23]

Apparently his health condition is not the only thing flaring up.  His mood swings too.  It appears he thought he was in a pressure cooker with you and being you work together at the Office, Everything is escalating into a Hugh Mountain Out Of a Mole Hill No Thrill, As well now.   If this is any example of what he has turned out to be as a Potential Partner, It's good you know now.  Stay clear like the has the plague.  You don't want your good name tarnished around the water cooler.  It is Him, Not you.  Hopefully, Everything will calm down.

Edited May 23, 2023 by Ageless Wisdom23

[clh1920]

22 minutes ago, HeartAlchemist said:

@clh1920 Agreed with the no contact.  Try this.  Tune into your heart (make a sincere attempt to connect with it) and ask your heart, "What's one simple action I can take today to help me feel better about this situation?".

And listen.  Your heart may give you a word or two or tell you something you already know.  Trust your heart's wisdom, it knows what to do.  Hope this helps

Thank you  

[clh1920]

9 minutes ago, Ageless Wisdom23 said:

Apparently his health condition is not the only thing flaring up.  His mood swings too.  It appears he thought he was in a pressure cooker with you and being you work together at the Office, Everything is escalating into a Hugh Mountain Out Of a Mole Hill No Thrill, As well now.   If this is any example of what he has turned out to be as a Potential Partner, It's good you know now.  Stay clear like the has the plague.  You don't want your good name tarnished around the water cooler.  It is Him, Not you.  Hopefully, Everything will calm down.

I'm not saying I'm perfect (far from it). But I've made a concerted effort not to have anything at work be effected. The more he shows this behaviour the more people will ask questions. I'm keeping well away and hoping he calms down after the initial early days of the break up. The break up was HIS idea yet he's so angry.

[HeartAlchemist]

@clh1920 you're welcome!

[Lotsgoingon]

I see zero evidence in anything you wrote that indicates you caused his problems. And then he storms out of the meeting and other people at work are worried--clearly (to me at least) his behavior and upset have NOTHING to do with you. It's all inside of him.

This is a key lesson to learn btw, that relationships are genuinely two way. We can't rescue our partners and our partners can't rescue us. We can offer love and support in a crisis. But the other person has to be able to receive and take in that love and support. And a shockingly high number of people can't really take in love. They aren't able to be that vulnerable and open. 

You guys have been dating for three months. Well, people can often fake like they have the social skill of intimate dating for at least three months and actually longer. I had an ex who went cold at six months. She and I kept going after the six-month crisis and after we ended, I could so clearly see that how she behaved with me for the first six months was totally out of character for her. She was ... merely performing. 

Some people shut down when they get a health problem. I used to do this. But again my shutdowns were based on the fact that I was performing, not genuinely relating to my partners. Performing drains energy. So when I got sick or had something worrying me, I had no leftover performance energy to portray the role of me the boyfriend. 

Reaching out to him would be a colossal waste of time and it would be misreading the situation.  You have done nothing wrong. He has disconnected. One tipoff to his immaturity is that he didn't simply tell you what was really going on.  Oh, and performers put pressure on themselves--they can't distinguish pressure from others from pressure on themselves. 

Sounds like you're really balanced and open and kind and patient. One question I'll ask you is: clearly you are far more mature and emotionally strong than this guy. Did you know that? Were there any signs of his immaturity that you missed? You don't want to assume everyone is as mature as you are. That's a disastrous dating strategy. 

Really devastating to be hit with withdrawal out of the blue (again, check your memory to really see if this was out of the blue). But better for him to show himself now rather than later when you would have invested much more in him. 

 

 

Edited May 23, 2023 by Lotsgoingon

[clh1920]

22 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Sounds like you're really balanced and open and kind and patient. One question I'll ask you is: clearly you are far more mature and emotionally strong than this guy. Did you know that? Were there any signs of his immaturity that you missed? You don't want to assume everyone is as mature as you are. That's a disastrous dating strategy. 

Really devastating to be hit with withdrawal out of the blue (again, check your memory to really see if this was out of the blue). But better for him to show himself now rather than later when you would have invested much more in him. 

 

 

Ah thank you . 

No I didn't know this at all (re: his immaturity). I'll admit I've been totally blindsided by all of this. And his behaviour (to me atleast) seems totally out of character. I had no idea he could be this way.

Again, I'm not saying I've been perfect. We all make mistakes. But I know I've not done anything to warrant this amount of anger (other than getting on with my life & work). I know if I had continued the messages yesterday that I would have made things worse (if thats possible), so I started NC and I still seem to have made it bad (btw I didn't announce I was going NC...his last message to me was that he was fed up of me, so I just didn't reply).

[Lotsgoingon]

Just a note: I'm not sure I would describe his words as expressing anger. It's more he was using anger to push you away. An angry person can stay on one point and object to something specific. 

You didn't have a gun to his head. So if he didn't like the pace of things, he could have talked to you about that. That avoidance and withdrawal is the sign of immaturity. And by immaturity, I'm not saying he's a bad person. I'm just saying he's not emotionally mature enough to be in an intimate relationship that treats himself well and treats the other well. 

Some performers don't show red flags because they are acting and performing right up to the moment they run from the stage. He might be like that. Still I say let your mind wander back on things.  Really allow yourself to look for little things that indicated he didn't have the maturity to date seriously or apparently to act professionally in the workplace. 

[ShyViolet]

6 hours ago, clh1920 said:

I should add that I just need to know what to do. I thought I was doing right in going no contact (as much as I can due to work) and being professional. But I feel im in a lose/lose situation as his anger is quite intense.

His anger is not your problem now.  You are no longer dating him.  If he can't control himself to the point where he is acting like a child throwing a tantrum at work, well that's going to negatively affect him and his reputation at work.  It is not your problem.  Distance yourself from this.  Keep doing what you are doing in regards to keeping no-contact with him and only communicating with him when you absolutely have to for work.  There's literally nothing else you can do.

He does sound very immature.

[LatinCoffee]

It seems he has lots going on and he's def letting you know he's not ready for a relationship. Leave him alone and move on!

[clh1920]

9 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Just a note: I'm not sure I would describe his words as expressing anger. It's more he was using anger to push you away. An angry person can stay on one point and object to something specific. 

You didn't have a gun to his head. So if he didn't like the pace of things, he could have talked to you about that. That avoidance and withdrawal is the sign of immaturity. And by immaturity, I'm not saying he's a bad person. I'm just saying he's not emotionally mature enough to be in an intimate relationship that treats himself well and treats the other well. 

Some performers don't show red flags because they are acting and performing right up to the moment they run from the stage. He might be like that. Still I say let your mind wander back on things.  Really allow yourself to look for little things that indicated he didn't have the maturity to date seriously or apparently to act professionally in the workplace. 

I guess I'm struggling with the anger he still seems to be showing towards me (in the company of others who are totally unaware of the situation), when I have done what he seemed to want me to do & I've left him alone (except for an unavoidable work related conversation where he couldn't even look at me)

Thinking back, the past week/fortnight he was extremely stressed about his boss, he said he really is struggling with the stress of his role & his health condition. I asked him (once, and no more) is there anything relating to us that is stressing him as if there was, maybe I could help....the answer was "no...definitely not. Just that place and (bosses name)". I accepted his answer and moved on. Obviously he wasn't being honest at the time.

Edited May 24, 2023 by clh1920
Added last sentence.

[JTSW]

His anger might not actually be directed at or caused by you.

Something is on his mind, and seeing as he has health issues, I have a feeling he's had a pretty big health decline.

He's not feeling well and went to the Drs, maybe had a serious diagnosis for something.

Your messages were not pushy at all.

You need to stay out of his way and carry on with your life.

[stillafool]

It's best to stop worrying about him and ignore him, the way he's treating you and his temper.  Just ignore him and worry about your own healing.  Consider him gone.  Too bad you have to work around him.

[Lotsgoingon]

Again, I don't see anger pointed at you. I know it FEELS that way. Put it like this, he may be randomly aiming at you, but there's really nothing there. 

Easier to say this than to do it, but really he's probably mad at himself. 

He told you this: he really is struggling with the stress of his role & his health condition.

Not sure if these are exact words or not but "stress" is almost useless here. It's ridiculously vague. I can be stressed that I just got a cancer diagnosis or stressed that I have to run multiple errands when I'm tired. Any word we can use for such divergent circumstances means we don't really know what it means. 

Did he get more specific? And did he get specific on the health concern? If not, those vague words were red flags for you. If you're seriously dating someone, they don't just say "I'm having trouble with my boss." They usually tell you the nitty gritty. Definitely this is the case with "health" matters. 

 

 

[clh1920]

1 hour ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Again, I don't see anger pointed at you. I know it FEELS that way. Put it like this, he may be randomly aiming at you, but there's really nothing there. 

Easier to say this than to do it, but really he's probably mad at himself. 

He told you this: he really is struggling with the stress of his role & his health condition.

Not sure if these are exact words or not but "stress" is almost useless here. It's ridiculously vague. I can be stressed that I just got a cancer diagnosis or stressed that I have to run multiple errands when I'm tired. Any word we can use for such divergent circumstances means we don't really know what it means. 

Did he get more specific? And did he get specific on the health concern? If not, those vague words were red flags for you. If you're seriously dating someone, they don't just say "I'm having trouble with my boss." They usually tell you the nitty gritty. Definitely this is the case with "health" matters. 

 

 

Thanks for replying to me again

Yes he has been specific with both his health issues (none life threatening) and his stresses (job, a boss who micro manages him, difficulty in selling a house that he inherited which has only just been sorted after a very long time etc). So though he never spoke about the subjects often, he did specify what they were during our time together.

I guess I can understand what you're saying about him being angry at himself. I suppose as he got angry during the break up & verbally lashed out (& at that point I stopped replying and went NC), I am still thinking the anger he is displaying is my fault (even when I haven't interacted with him on a personal level). It has crossed my mind that maybe it is his reaction to the break up rather than his reaction to me! It just feels personal as I'm hurting right now and replaying what he said as we broke up. I know we all say things in anger, it just still really hurts and maybe that's why I am still thinking his anger is directed at me when it's directed at himself. 

That has given me something to think about.

 

 

[Lotsgoingon]

Keep going down the path. You do not want to let other people's lashing out to demoralize you. I mean superficially sure. 

It's tricky. Many of us are self-interested so our interpretations aren't very fair to the other partner. But you can go too far to the other side. This guy is lashing out and you feel guilty. You want to get out of that. That's a red flag for you. Someone dates you and acts crazy and lashes out and distances and doesn't really explain and YOU feel guilty. You want to get to the point where you can reassure yourself. 

Right now, you're choosing his view over yours. Yes, I get it: you have reflexive guilt. Don't assume that reflex is smart or insightful or right. Allow the thinking brain to sort things out. The body will eventually come along.