I slept with someone else while my girlfriend and I were on a break. Should I tell her?

[xxjustinukxx]

Hello everyone,

A little backstory before I ask the question, to give you some insight as to what's been going on...

Mr girlfriend and I split up today permanently. After about 18 months together, our circumstances surrounding our separate living situations and others became too much to bear. We were both utterly miserable and decided it was best to end the relationship. That's a very brief description of the problems we had - but there's no need to go into more detail on those things. Since Christmas, we decided to step back temporarily from the relationship on two separate occasions for a couple of months each time, to relieve some pressure, and have a break from the relationship. But, at no time did we say that it meant we were technically single during these breaks. That's important to remember.

During the second break we had, I slept with someone else. A friend and I had been chatting, someone I'd known from online, and she was having problems with her boyfriend. My girlfriend and I and I were having ours too of course and both feeling lonely, hurt and emotional. We shared our problems and found ourselves getting carried away with our emotions and feelings towards each other over messages etc and met up. 

We met up once and ended up sleeping together. Once.

After we went our separate ways, she asked to meet again but the gut wrenching guilt and shame I felt for my girlfriend, not to mention the lady I'd slept withs, boyfriend, was tearing me up inside, so I said that I didn't want to see her again. We've barely spoken since and that was that. 

I feel sick with guilt and feel like out of respect for my ex girlfriend, I owe it to her to come clean and confess to her what happened.

So my question is, do I tell her? 

Any advice would be massively appreciated.

 

[Weezy1973]

No. First, you didn’t cheat on her or anything. Second, you’re not together so don’t really “owe” her anything. Third, you may end up making her feel terrible if you tell her. Fourth, it’s a selfish thing to do as you’re only trying to alleviate your guilt.

Be a bigger person. Don’t tell her. 

[semble]

Why would you even think you need to ask this question in the first place?

NO.

Move on, there is absolutely no need for further contact. I think you're just looking for excuses at this point.

[BaileyB]

46 minutes ago, xxjustinukxx said:

I feel sick with guilt and feel like out of respect for my ex girlfriend, I owe it to her to come clean and confess to her what happened.

What possible benefit would it be to her if you disclosed the fact that you kept with another woman - after you have broken up? 

The only reason you want to impart the truth now is to assuage your own guilt - because you believe that if you are honest now, it will somehow lessen your guilt. Wrong. This was your decision, it was your mistake, and you will deal with the consequences. You do not have the right to burden this woman after you have ended your relationship… not when she is hopefully trying to move forward to build a nice life for herself.

In the future, it would be wise not to have sex with another man’s girlfriend. It’s unbecoming and nothing good comes from it. At this point, the best thing you can do is move on with your life and learn from this - never do it again. 

 

Edited May 22, 2023 by BaileyB

[ShyViolet]

It would be ridiculous to tell her this, when you have broken up.  The relationship is over, that is all that matters.  Telling her this now would just drag up more drama for absolutely no reason.  It's not something that she "needs" to know.  It would actually be quite selfish and thoughtless of you to tell her this now, when you have just broken up for good.  She is trying to process the breakup and begin moving on with her life.  Here you come wanting to drop a bomb on her and set back her process of moving on from the breakup.... for absolutely no reason.  Do not do this.  Let her move on with her life.

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, xxjustinukxx said:

 girlfriend and I split up today permanently.  We were both utterly miserable and decided it was best to end the relationship. 

Unfortunately on/off relationships are fraught with unresolved incompatibilities and conflicts combined with an unhealthy attachment and lack of other opportunities.

Make a clean break rather than continue to harm each other.  The only way to get out of this toxic cycle is to actually breakup for good and delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. There's no need to pour salt in the wounds now. 

 

[Grumpy Bob]

Do you have any reason to think it will help her move on?

[JTSW]

Let me tell you that even though you weren't together and it wasn't cheating, she wont see it that way.

Technically, you don't owe her anything and you didn't cheat.

You don't need to tell her.

If you do, it will just open a mass of unnecessary problems. 

 

 

[Ageless Wisdom23]

You said you both split up permanently today.  I am assuming she knows about this second Break and the girl you slept With.....During a Break, Whomever initiates it it  can and does happen where one or both do end up cheating.  What does anyone expect when they do this Break?  If you were honest with her and she now Knows, And you both are as of Now, Permanently Apart, I find it is best then to continue your journey of getting back on track with your life and don't look back nor go back to "The Way We Were."

[Calmandfocused]

Absolutely not! 
 

Your relationship is over. It was never going to work in any event. 
 

You only split today for goodness sake. Give yourself time to grieve then get on with your life. 
 

Let sleeping dogs lie.

[smackie9]

Obviously there's some emotional residual left over from your relationship. These emotions are quite normal to feel since the breakup is so fresh and your head and your heart are in relationship mode. It's tough to shake that off but it's coming....it will probably take a month or so where the attachment dissolves and your ex becomes a distant memory. You both no long owe each other anything, there is no long obligations, or truths to be told. It is over, you tell her nothing. Grieve your loss, adjust to being without her, carry on with your life going forward. Don't contact her.

[mark clemson]

It might help her move on in the sense that she finds it irritating and/or a betrayal. However, if you've really broken up permanently, there would seem to be no reason to increase her distress over your own feeling of guilt.

If you're truly feeling very guilty, it might make more sense to discuss with a therapist or possibly with a trusted friend (one who doesn't know/has little to do with the Ex).

[Lotsgoingon]

I recommend some therapy because your guilt is wildly out of proportion. You have the right to have sex with another person if you're not dating. And btw: so does she!

Why are you assuming she was celibate during this same time?

The overwhelming guilt and fear you have will ruin your relationships. You won't be assertive. You'll people-please when you don't need to. You'll be boring because you won't pursue your own goals and interests out of fear of offending the partner. This guilt is connected to something larger. And I say use this time to get some different psychological insight. 

I speak as someone way too quick to guilt in my younger years. You sound genuine torn up. That's the way you want to feel if you murder somebody, or steel a home from somebody--not the way you want to feel if you have sex while broken up. Some kind of sexual shame is going on in you. Probably from your family. 

 

 

[mortensorchid]

There is no need to tell her this.  Don't rub salt in the wounds, no matter what did or didn't happen.  It's over with The Other Woman and that's that.