starr3546 Posted November 8, 2005 Posted November 8, 2005 I am doing NC right now with my ex, but i don't want him to forget about me, deep down i want him back. We have been broken up for 1 1/2 weeks, i have some stuff at his house would it be a good idea to call him for it and at the same time see how he is doing...or should i wait longer? I don't wanna completely disappear cause i want him back...i don't wanna be forgotten!
J dub Posted November 8, 2005 Posted November 8, 2005 >I am doing NC right now with my ex, Did he break up with you? >but i don't want him to forget about me, Woah -- back up the truck here for a minute sister. Youre worried he is going to forget you? Come on, ask yourself - and be honest - would you suggest to someone to contact a guy to "remind" him that she still exists in order to keep him from forgetting her? I'd say, forget him! Sheesh. >deep down i want him back. We have been broken up for 1 1/2 weeks, Youre still in whats called the "hopeful" or "denial" stage. > i have some stuff at his house would it be a good idea to call him for it and at the same time see how he is doing...or should i wait longer? How about not at all? I doubt the items at his house are things that are essential to your daily life. CDs, hoodies, etc...not necessary. Keep your sanity and stay away. > I don't wanna completely disappear cause i want him back...i don't wanna be forgotten! Even if your ex wanted to, hes not going to forget you. If what you are meaning behind your message is, "I want to remind him of what he doesnt have" than dont bother, he is well aware of what he turned down the first time. If he wants to talk, he'll call you. If he wants to see you, he'll find you. Men are known to move mountains when they love someone, not for their tendancy to forget someone. Please, girl...spare yourself the agony and maintain your established NC. At least you have your dignity. AND as for the stuff -- if you still need it back in a few months, THEN and only then would I say it might be ok to consider getting them. Otherwise you are better off either not getting them at all or having a friend or family member get them for you (without contacting him first about it). Trust me, it is going to suck to see "how he is" ...youre going to see that he moved on and youre still holding on to hope. Please know that nothing you say or do is going to allow him to reconsider his decision and even if he did, why be with someone you have to "talk" into being with you? Youre not pathetic and you definitely deserve more. Mystery is SO much more appealing than someone who keeps reappearing and annoyingly wont go away...we all know that someone who wont just drop it already. Dont be that girl. You'll be more likely to get his attention by falling off the face of the planet than "reminding" him youre still here. He is going to wonder where you are, who youre with, what youre doing and if he made a mistake
JohnJohn Posted November 8, 2005 Posted November 8, 2005 You'll be more likely to get his attention by falling off the face of the planet than "reminding" him youre still here. He is going to wonder where you are, who youre with, what youre doing and if he made a mistake I definitely agree with this. Don't show signs of neediness. It's not very becoming. Here's an interesting spin on this point: Do you think it works equally the same for women as it does for men in this instance? It seems to me, in my opinion, that men are more likely to come back to an ex than women are. Maybe the mystery eats at us guys more? Or perhaps women move on easier? Just wondering your take on it.
Author starr3546 Posted November 8, 2005 Author Posted November 8, 2005 i think often times women are to much into saving their pride and dignity...for instance, i want my ex back sooooo bad b/c i Love and miss him, but i also want him to come back for the satisfaction of me being like seeeee..ur an idiot...dumped me out of no where, with no signs...i mean come on he dumped me 5 days after we were planning vacation, and he told me he misses me during the week when i am gone...i just want him to come back and me to be like i dunno, lets take it slow and see if this is what we really want...i wanna be in the drivers seat....screwed up? maybe?!
Author starr3546 Posted November 8, 2005 Author Posted November 8, 2005 ok but then wait listen to this.... i am always signed onto aim, always never sign off... but on saturday he signed on, i have him on alarm so if he signs on it goes off, but as soon as he signs off the alert is deleted, so i know he has been on b/c the alert was gone, when i checked after i got home that night....but anyways i also have this thing on my aim with pictures...and i recently put new ones up...along with the picture link i have a link spy which tells me who has clicked on my link. Well he signed onto aim looked at my away message, (now lets remember he only signs on to talk to me, he has no other people on it) then he signs off, signs on with a screen name he doesn't know that i know about and checks out my pictures! What is that, why is he sneaking around?
LilChicki Posted November 8, 2005 Posted November 8, 2005 Hahaha John John..you have a point. My ex FINALLY responded to an email I sent to him tonight..after months of NC. I was ready to say goodbye ..and close that chapter. Funny he replied AFTER telling I was seeing someone....and wishing him well.... I agree ...men love some mystery and a challenge. You ahve to give it to them though.....NC will offer all the mystery you need.
LilChicki Posted November 8, 2005 Posted November 8, 2005 ps..Oh and to answer your question John..I think women DO respond to mystery...the same way men do. They just show it differently.
LilChicki Posted November 8, 2005 Posted November 8, 2005 Starr..my suggestion is to block him altogether and delete your profile and pics for a while...he shouldn't even have the satisfaction of seeing your name online. NC IS NO CONTACT!!!!!
Author starr3546 Posted November 8, 2005 Author Posted November 8, 2005 ya well i am going to keep doing it, i hope i just run into him...o and another badd thing is that i ran into my ex's friend the other day, and he asked if i talked to R. i said no....then i was like i am sure you have and he said yes...he told me that he asked R. about me and that R. said he doesn't wanna talk about it, and just won't! What is that..he doesn't wanna talk about it...why wouldn't he...i mean come on... but later that same nite i met a guy who i have seen out and around b4 he and i talked all nite. he asked me out and then at the end of the night we walkedd out of the bar and he kissed me....as he kissed me R. friend who works at the bar walked out for some reason, walked right past me and goes bye K.... i don't want R. to know i kissed someone else for some reason...i feel like it might push him away....what ya think
J dub Posted November 8, 2005 Posted November 8, 2005 JohnJohn, I dont think women respond differently to mystery than men, I just think men screw up more than women and thats why they come back Ok sorry couldnt help myself there. No but really, everyone loves a mystery its intriguing and more than anything, women are nosey and like to know "the deal" on things. Star3456, I know that your interest and love for him is still present, but you have GOT to get rid of the idea of keeping tabs on him with alerts and the like, you are going to drive yourself nuts as if you dont think about him enough, youre going to think of him every time he signs online, what hes doing, etc etc...my suggestion is take him screen name off your buddy list. Just because he is looking at pics or profiles or whatever about you doesnt mean he wants you back, it means he's curious. Curiousity about the other person is normal when you shared a long time together...anotherowrds, your disappearance is affecting him most likely.
J dub Posted November 8, 2005 Posted November 8, 2005 >ya well i am going to keep doing it, so you enjoy enduring the unnecessary agony? >he doesn't wanna talk about it...why wouldn't he...i mean come on... because its over and he doesnt want to rehash it. >but later that same nite i met a guy who i have seen out and around b4 he and i talked all nite. Good, entertain yourself w/ other people other than him! >i don't want R. to know i kissed someone else for some reason. Well you probably shouldnt have done it then, eh? At least you know for next time. >..i feel like it might push him away Push him away? He broke up with you, he pushed YOU away! There is no you-pushing-him-away when he's already gone...
Author starr3546 Posted November 8, 2005 Author Posted November 8, 2005 J dub--- i meant i am going to keep doing the NC thing...not keeping the alerts... what do you think he will think if he hears i kissed someone else??? ~~i don't want to look like i am trying to make him jealous or anything, i liked the guy i kissed and am going to go out with him...i dunno y i feel funny about this... also ur right he did push me away...if he gets mad,he only did it to himself...
Author starr3546 Posted November 8, 2005 Author Posted November 8, 2005 j dub one more thing ur story of how you guys broke up...because of the space, time issue is similiar to my story....we had a great relationship...so maybe if nc worked for you it will work for me.... until then trying to move on...god this sux
J dub Posted November 8, 2005 Posted November 8, 2005 I'm sorry I misunderstood I thought you were saying you were going to ...well you know. I think IF he finds out about the kiss, it'll only make him reflect on the fact that you are not going to stop your life for him because he decided to leave you, it'll show him your ambitious and that youre not waiting around for him which may trigger him to realize he made a mistake. Or, he may think you did it on purpose, but that can only be an assumption cuz lets face it, he'll never know the truth on that one. In any case, I'd suggest you be a little more careful of your surroundings and whatnot because you dont want to create a scnen and/or a bad rep for yourself... Keep in mind that something that works for one may not work for another, but you are definitely putting the odds in your favor by staying away from him. Plus, if he comes back, you'll know its because he truly loves you and misses you and not because you wouldnt leave him alone or something of that nature you know? It'll feel better when he calls because it'll be on his own and not instigated by you so you'll know he truly wants to know how you are, not just retuning a phone call to be curtious (sp?). Also, staying away allows you to see the picture with a clearer head rather than being all clouded up with emotions and overanalyzing everything (like him viewing profiles and the like). I think you are on the right track, you just need a little push to get you going because you sound strong, youre just unsure and scared...which is totally understandable.
Author starr3546 Posted November 8, 2005 Author Posted November 8, 2005 i wonder however y he wouldn't talk to his friends about it?? does anyone know why this would be...i haven't asked his friends questions or anything, when i see them, they bring it up...another thing, it is going to be hard to be mysterious, considering i see people who know him everywhere i go!
Author starr3546 Posted November 8, 2005 Author Posted November 8, 2005 his good friend was like i asked him about it and he said he won't talk about it...how strange...y should he act like that he broke up with me!!
Author starr3546 Posted November 8, 2005 Author Posted November 8, 2005 oooo and one more thing...my friend works at the same bar as his friend, and she asked his friend about it and pretty much what R.'s friend said was that he is confused about his life right now....i told her to not ask anymore questions, to just leave it alone....so hopefully she will!
cynicalnlove Posted November 8, 2005 Posted November 8, 2005 Hmm ok.. I just opened an account and this whole NC thing is definetely very interesting. To your reply, and I'm a female.. hell yeah it bugs us that we don't know what your doing and who you've been doing with? Though we put on the play of, i don't give a damn; in the back of our minds we wonder, does he still think of me, the way i do him? I wonder why the object of love has to be so damn complicated all the time. can't we just fall in love and live happily ever after?
cynicalnlove Posted November 8, 2005 Posted November 8, 2005 Also, I need your guy's opinion on this. So this could be a long story, but i'll try to make as short as possible. Like every love story, I was head over heels with this guy. Dated, and for that first month i was in just totally lost in love. Thought this guy is the one. The feelings were extremely intense and i was shaken by it. Broke it off - i think broke his heart. Came to terms with what i have lost, and did my attempts to have him understand why i did it. I was away from him for a year, and this guy gives me the NC act, which i truly hate because even though i was sincere there was no reciprication from him. I didn't know what he was thinking, or understood why he was so angry with me. Yes, committed the sin of drunk dialed, and had him basically screamed and yelled at me for me to stop contacting him. Anyways, a year had passed, and we got back together (semi). Everything was fine, until one day, he just does this whole NC thing with me again. No explanations; just left without even saying a goodbye. I hated him for diong that to me, but this time without saying anything. Then i got a letter, saying that he's finished with us.. saying that there are things he needed to do first. I called - and he cried because i was basically open to him. no gimmicks or games. Telling him i love him for the first time.. since then, he's been saying things - sending messages, poems, hinting that he wants to get back together without really saying it. Becuase he didn't say it, i just ignored all those messages. Then we talked again recently; and he was basically playing the mysterious role, had amazing sex. (ps, he looked miserable btw) But that was it. couldn't give me a reason anymore, and once again pulling this NC bulls**t on me. I wonder, if i did the whole NC thing, would that turn the table in my situation, instead of demanding an explanation? Or what is he up to, what sort of game is he playing, since i do know that he loves me too.
JohnJohn Posted November 8, 2005 Posted November 8, 2005 Or what is he up to, what sort of game is he playing, since i do know that he loves me too. Key word is game. Would it do that much good to dissect this and know exactly what game it is? Who knows. I could speculate a few things but ask yourself if you want to be in a relationship where someone reels you in and then throws you out in the water again, reels you in and then....... Bottom line is that real love does not invole two people playing games. By participating in this is an indignity to both of you. That's why NC is best. It will help both of you in the long run. I've read stories on here where NC was broken and then the person felt better after talking to the ex. Maybe closure occurred and they can now close the chapter. Everyone's case is different, but when there is game playing and lack of respect (him leaving without a word) then you must realize you are not dealing with a mature person in which case, in my opinion, NC is best. Further, I hear too many people say on here that "I know he does love me because he said so". Anyone can say that. But do their actions back their words? Listen to what they do and not to what they say. To me if you really love someone then you don't disrespect them and play games like that.
JohnJohn Posted November 8, 2005 Posted November 8, 2005 I am at around eleven weeks of NC. My relationship ended in a strange way and without closure. Basically I had been in an emotionally abusive relationship (She's a Narcissist) and finally recognized what was going on and I retreated as I was sick of the games. I didn't call for four days, although I was about to contact her again. I needed some space and didn't think a few days was unreasonable. Before I contacted her, she brought some belongings to my house that I had at her place and attached a letter putting all the blame on me and she said "I am interpreting your actions (of not calling her and to apologize) as a wish for us to stop seeing each other". Of course this got a rise out of me and I called her...twice..and left messages. No return call. I e-mailed her and she responded to that right away and said I had "deeply wounded" her and that she was not sure if she was ready to speak on the phone. She then said that if I had anything to say, that I must do so on e-mail. I did and was very polite and all. I even aploogized even though I really didn't have a reason to. She had me under her manipluating ways. I've never heard back from her since. I knew it was over at this point (and when I didn't talk to her for four days) and wanted it to be over myself. It's definitely for the best. But now, all of a sudden, I have an urge to break NC. I don't think I should as like I said in my previous post...I know I am not dealing with a rational and mature person and it would most likely result in something worse and not positive. I should probably heed my own advice? I don't want her back but perhaps I want that satisfaction of her contacting me again so I could feel better? Any thoughts?
Kengne Posted November 8, 2005 Posted November 8, 2005 Wow .. I'm a lil surprised to see this post coming from you of all people, but I know you're human and susceptible to weak moments like everyone else. All I have is 1 question: 1) Will initiating contact w/ her NOW... after 11 wks of NC... set you back or set you forward? -> If you know in your heart of hearts it is going to set you back ... and I suspect it will as you really have NO VALID REASON after all this time to call her back... what do you two have to discuss?? NOTHING...! .... if you know this, then you already have your answer: do not contact her. Do not contact her. Do not contact her. The satisfaction of her calling you back will be minimal, because IF she returns your call ... she will only be doing so out of COURTESY, not because she wanted to speak with you. If she did, she would and could have called or emailed you at any time. But she hasn't. Why give her that satisfaction of YOU calling HER, for her to dwell in that and go back & forth over when to call YOU back? The longer she takes to call back, the more it will sting YOU. NC is hard. But it works, and it has been working for you. Why ruin all your hard work for 1 short moment of 'satisfaction' ? Be strong JohnJohn - bcuz this moment too, shall pass. K.
JohnJohn Posted November 8, 2005 Posted November 8, 2005 Thanks. I know this and will not break NC. I am just having a weak moment, like you said. I will heed my own advice that I give on here. I just needed a reminder I guess from someone else other than myself. How's your situation going?
Author starr3546 Posted November 9, 2005 Author Posted November 9, 2005 i do have to agree witht the no contact thing and with what kengne said...it is hard not to call even though you think it will make you feel better in the end, you are only going to feel worse. I have read a lot of posts on here about this, and for those that do it, it makes it easier and is the only way to recover from heart break...and in some cases the mystery of not knowing what that person is doing drives the break upper to call the one they hurt... I want to call my ex so bad all the time to try to find out what he doing and also just to see how his life is, it is hard when you talk to someone everyday and share everything with them, to go to no contact...but it is the only option open. If they care they will inquire about you to others, or call you, if not then they they obviously don't wanna talk to you that bad.
JohnJohn Posted November 9, 2005 Posted November 9, 2005 If they care they will inquire about you to others, or call you, if not then they they obviously don't wanna talk to you that bad. Very true. But when you look at it the other way, they are thinking (or maybe getting the same advice) the same way. So that way perhaps no one budges and both parties move on. Ya just never know. Every case is different, but in mine I am trying to stay strong. Thanks for the help.
Recommended Posts