Why does it seem only we suffer the pain

[chocolate_boy]

Hi guys

 

I have just woken up at 4am again, I do this every night and have done since the end of September now, I know this is related to the trauma of my shattered relationship.

 

It just hurts so much still, even more than I know my ex has been out partying and now is seeing someone else 6 weeks after we split.

 

What I can't understand is why I am the only one that is feeling this pain? Yeah she may have "severed emotional ties" with me the weekend we broke up, but how come 6 weeks later I'm still in agony and can't eat/sleep?

 

It's really ****, I want her to be upset we're over, we had such a lovely relationship together. Maybe she will in time I don't know.

 

But I don't and will not know how she's feeling as I'm sticking to NC, but obviously her actions over the last month show she's moved on, and my friends have told me she looks so happy at the moment (yes I have asked them to not mention her again now).

 

Thing that confuses me so much is the fact that she emailed me 2 weeks ago asking to meet me for coffee... I said I was too busy, she told me we can whenever I want, so I set a day and date, she drove accross town for a 30 min coffee with me (I ended it then saying I had to be away) and we had a really pleasent time. I emailed her two days later asking if we could do lunch, that was a week ago and she hasn't bothered to reply to me... Man, talk about being rejected all over again! That is why NC is SO important, but I just cannot figure out why she would do that. Even a simple "sorry it was nice to see you, but i have moved on with my life and meeting in future is a bad idea" email would have been better than being flat-out ignored (and I got a read receipt the day I sent it last mon).

 

I do feel really weak for being like this, and even more so that she is just like "hey-ho.... thats over, I'm off out partying.. hey new guy, you'll do!"

 

Does it make me a weaker or lesser person because I'm suffering trauma because some one who was really important to me has decided they don't even like me enough to have me in their life anymore? It is heartbreaking it really is...

 

Sorry for the weak moment guys, its 5.30am and I feel quite alone now.

[JS17]

I'm having a weak moment myself. There's no shame in having loved someone. Some people might say she's the one that should be ashamed of her behavior and that she wasn't capable of loving someone.

[dreaming4ever]

You are DEFINITELY not a weaker/lesser person for being so sad about the loss of your girlfriend in your life. That's like asking if it's wrong for you to have a heart and to feel emotions really deeply....of course it isn't....think of the alternative, would you rather be emotionally dead like a robot? That might sound more tempting right now than hurting like you are but believe me, feeling is much better. I have been there before and I KNOW how much it hurts to realize that someone that you love SO MUCH has just deleted you from their life as if you meant nothing to them. All I can say is that it may hurt a lot now but it WILL get better. NC is definitely a good idea though so you can move on separate from the past.....try and look past the darkness and image a happy future for yourself ok? Someone out there will appreciate you for the amazing person you are, you just have to find them first.....it all takes time.

[Nikita20]

I feel for you chocolate boy. I'm in the same boat as you are. I had a wonderful relationship with my ex and he dumped me after almost being with him for almost 2 years. I know that he is seeing someone else. I don't know how serious it is, but it is quite a shocker and a big blow to my heart. I guess that is his way of coping and moving on. The point is, just because they are seeing someone else, doesn't necessarily mean that they don't feel any pain. However, you will never know. I'm sure she hurts and misses you. Why would she ask you out for coffee? My ex called me 3 weeks after I initiated NC as of September 1st. I'll never truly understand why he called. Was he testing the waters? Was he opening the door? Was he trying to soothe his guilt? Who knows? He didn't say anything about: the relationship, missing me, still loving me. He mentioned that I could contact him and even offered theater tickets for my sister and I. But I told him I was busy. I contacted him 4 weeks later about a cleaning bill for the apartment we shared. At first, we had a little spat, but I called him back and he agreed to pay for the cleaning bill, since he owes me money. That was the last conversation I had with him and that was a week ago.

 

Stick to the NC. It will help you heal, move on and assess whether or not the relationship is worth it. However, only potentially consider taking her back when she calls and says, "I miss you, I still love you, I made a mistake and I want you back." If she doesn't, forget about it. Hang in there. It will get better. You will have your ups and downs, but you will get through it.

[chocolate_boy]

Thanks for the support guys, even two of her closest friends have told me "between us, we all think she is treating you awfully".

 

I need to see her for what she is, the girl I fell for was deception.

 

She did not love me or care about me, it seems she used me to fill a void in her life. Yeah I made a few mistakes but none of them deserved me feeling like this.

 

She is COLD, HEARTLESS, SELFISH, UNCARING not to mention flat-out IGNORANT.

 

These are not the qualities I want in my partner.

 

She lied to me, deceived me, pushed me out, and punished me way more than I ever deserved for making a couple of small mistakes (i sometimes cancelled plans with her to go out with my buddies, thats about it).

 

And now she keeps on hurting me CONSTANTLY, and it seems I am something she just picks up and drops whenever she wants.

 

I wish I could be strong enough to not care, and have showed her that.

 

It just hurts like hell to start to hate someone you once loved and shared your life, soul and dreams with, you never imagine it would turn out like this, even though it so often does.

 

Few quotes from friends

 

"****ing little b.i.t.ch! Never talk to her again"

 

"she is treated him really s.hitty"

 

"thats a horrible way to go about things"

 

"i can't BELIEVE her!!!"

 

"That's awful, (me) is such a lovely guy and was so into her"

 

"i absolutely despise her now, she's not worth a thing"

 

They're all from different people, most of them mutual friends, two of them her closest friends...

 

The way I see it, she has almost ruined my life, she has left me alone and heartbroken.

 

I can NEVER let her back into my life again.

[chocolate_boy]

I feel for you chocolate boy. I'm in the same boat as you are. I had a wonderful relationship with my ex and he dumped me after almost being with him for almost 2 years. I know that he is seeing someone else. I don't know how serious it is, but it is quite a shocker and a big blow to my heart. I guess that is his way of coping and moving on. The point is, just because they are seeing someone else, doesn't necessarily mean that they don't feel any pain. However, you will never know. I'm sure she hurts and misses you. Why would she ask you out for coffee? My ex called me 3 weeks after I initiated NC as of September 1st. I'll never truly understand why he called. Was he testing the waters? Was he opening the door? Was he trying to soothe his guilt? Who knows? He didn't say anything about: the relationship, missing me, still loving me. He mentioned that I could contact him and even offered theater tickets for my sister and I. But I told him I was busy. I contacted him 4 weeks later about a cleaning bill for the apartment we shared. At first, we had a little spat, but I called him back and he agreed to pay for the cleaning bill, since he owes me money. That was the last conversation I had with him and that was a week ago.

 

Stick to the NC. It will help you heal, move on and assess whether or not the relationship is worth it. However, only potentially consider taking her back when she calls and says, "I miss you, I still love you, I made a mistake and I want you back." If she doesn't, forget about it. Hang in there. It will get better. You will have your ups and downs, but you will get through it.

 

Hi Nikita, sorry you're feeling like this too, but its good to know the flip-side of this, we can feel amazingly strong feelings of love for the ones that deserve it (and we will meet them one day).

 

The whole coffee thing is so odd...

 

As soon as we broke up she flat-out ignored any communnication from me for 2 weeks, then I got a mini email with 2 lines telling me how sorry she was and that she cares more than i'll ever know, but she just cannot see me or talk to me anymore.

 

I replied with a short reply "i compleltely understand, i know i made a lot of mistakes" even admitted that her ending it was probably what i needed to see what i did wrong, and APOLOGISED for messing up and ending it. Her next reply was "Glad it did you good!!" then saying she feels ready to meet up now as she just didn't want us to get all silly or upset again like before. She didn't mention meeting again for another week, then out of the blue I get an email asking if I would meet her the next day "for a chat", I said no that I was really busy, but offered a date one week down the line.. I didn't get a reply for 5 days, then she did reply completely agreeing to my terms and meeting time, venue etc.

 

She drove across town, had straightened her hair perfectly, make-up etc. she looked amazing. We had a nice upbeat conversation about life (didn't once mention the relationship), after 40 mins I apologised and said I had to go as was off out with my buddies on the night. She said ok and I told her it was nice seeing her again.

 

Then 3 days later I send her a sweet email saying "was really nice to just enjoy each others company again, you fancy some lunch next week? I'll come over your side of town this time" told her to say hi to her folks for me who she was visiting etc.

 

Then just flat-out 100% no reply from her in over a week now...

 

I know I shouldn't care, but it is very confusing.

[Nikita20]

She is COLD, HEARTLESS, SELFISH, UNCARING not to mention flat-out IGNORANT.

 

These are not the qualities I want in my partner.

 

She lied to me, deceived me, pushed me out, and punished me way more than I ever deserved for making a couple of small mistakes (i sometimes cancelled plans with her to go out with my buddies, thats about it).

 

There is your answer. Whatever you do DON'T take her back. Move on. She isn't worth it. Keep reminding yourself of what you just stated over and over again. There are others out there who will reciprocate the love you give them. Focus on healing yourself and moving on. Don't waste any more time on her.

[chocolate_boy]

There is your answer. Whatever you do DON'T take her back. Move on. She isn't worth it. Keep reminding yourself of what you just stated over and over again. There are others out there who will reciprocate the love you give them. Focus on healing yourself and moving on. Don't waste any more time on her.

 

Yeah I have already decided that I don't want her back. Until Friday I did, and it's all I thought about obsessively. However Friday was the day I found out about the new guy.. apparently they aren't together, she just kisses him on nights out... but either way, it gave me the kick up the ass I needed.

 

I can't have someone like her in my life, she causes me to too much pain.

 

Doesn't mean I don't want to figure it out though, but maybe I can't.

 

It just frightens me I'll get into a similar relationship again, I never saw this coming.

[Nikita20]

Sad part about my story, chocolate boy, is my ex was a very kind, loving, caring, affectionate person. We had a good relationship up until the point when he moved to pursue a new job opportunity. It is hard to let him go because he is a good person, but, I'm so angry about him breaking up with me. Our issues could of been worked out in time. Due to the stress of quitting his job and our relationship, he couldn't handle it anymore and bailed.

 

I don't think that I'll meet anyone like him again.

[chocolate_boy]

Yeah, my ex was lovely when I with her, the most affectionate girl I've ever been with, cards every few weeks professing her never-ending love for me. Wanted to be with me all the time, made massive effort to get on with my friends and family...

 

Involved herself in all areas of my life and was often the perfect girl. She has a knack of coming across like that, she's very cute and blonde and pretty.

 

However she suddenly changed when we broke up into the person she is now.. this amazing creature that I really do believe could propel herself into the air on a broom-stick... actually achieve flight!

and it has truley shocked me, I never knew she had it in her I really didn't.

 

We were the same, we just had a rough few weeks due to work and stress issues, we could have easily sorted it out, but she just flat-out wouldn't.

 

 

Makes you very untrusting though doesn't it? I really did think out of all the girls I've ever had, she would be the one that would never leave me. I even worried that one day I may break her heart cos she was so lovely.. but guess you never really know until it happens.

[Yamaha]

However she suddenly changed when we broke up into the person she is now.. and it has truly shocked me, I never knew she had it in her I really didn't.

 

It's amazing how they can change when you thought you knew them so well. You see a totally different person from the one you knew and you can't get a grip on what happened or where that person came from. Trying to figure it out will just cause you unnecessary pain and frustration. Sometimes there is no answer and knowing the truth would not give you relief. She may not understand it herself. You are doing all the right things so hang in there and don't feel shame for caring deeply. They are the losers and you will find a person worthy of your love.

[In Sync]

In the beginning right after the guy I was involved with ended it I was devastated and couldn't undertsand how come the ex's got off scott free from all the pain I felt. AND my ex was not sensitive and was a complete Narcisist. Where is the fairness in life..you give love and that person cuts it off and they don't even realize how cruel and how much pain we're going through. I'm at a different level of undertsanding the loss, and it's hell, the endless hours of loss sleep and constant questions...but on good days I come to terms and accept. He was an experience I had to go through and know that love is a risky business..I must chose wisely who to open my heart to. On bad days I get angry and think it was not fair and there is karma. I may not be a witness to when someone steps on his heart but I know he'll experience this...yet he won't have the sensitivity nor maturity to grow with his pain because he did lack compassion.

[JS17]

In the beginning right after the guy I was involved with ended it I was devastated and couldn't undertsand how come the ex's got off scott free from all the pain I felt. AND my ex was not sensitive and was a complete Narcisist. Where is the fairness in life..you give love and that person cuts it off and they don't even realize how cruel and how much pain we're going through. I'm at a different level of undertsanding the loss, and it's hell, the endless hours of loss sleep and constant questions...but on good days I come to terms and accept. He was an experience I had to go through and know that love is a risky business..I must chose wisely who to open my heart to. On bad days I get angry and think it was not fair and there is karma. I may not be a witness to when someone steps on his heart but I know he'll experience this...yet he won't have the sensitivity nor maturity to grow with his pain because he did lack compassion.

I feel the exact same way and I've been at this a lot longer than you have. I don't think this ever goes away, just some days are better than others.

[chocolate_boy]

I think a big reason I'm feeling so awfully depressed at the moment is now I have no life. I cannot sleep at night, so have to catch up in the afternoon after work, so it seems all I do is wake up stupidly early, write in my journal, then go to work, come home where I'm now living alone and go back to sleep, that has been my life pretty much for last few weeks.

 

I talk to friends on phone etc. but cannot face going out, and recently it's been raining so heavily everyday... I just want to be in bed warm and sleep...

 

I know it will get better but I just think back to August when I had it all, lots of my friends around, girlfriend I loved, weekends away, I loved it when had house to ourself, we used to just stay in watching DVDs etc.

 

Now it feels so lonely. I also haven't eaten a proper meal in around a week... bad news.

[In Sync]

chocolate_boy

 

we've all been there. come face toface with loneliness. it almost makes it worse to hang out with friends and stuff because we think we shouldn't feel lonely...well no, feeling lonely is as much a part of life as feeling joy. We've just been taught to think lonely is negative or bad. SO we do things against what our hearts and minds tell us. take this time to be with yourself. this is healing a wound.

 

my mom recently passed away and I found a bible of hers and in it on the first page she wrote in her handwriting "Be Your Own Best Friend." Those words have been playing on mind mind ever since I read them. Sometimes we are not our best friends when are in relationships that are more hurtful to us than helpful.

 

right now you need to be your own best friend and take care of yourself.

[chocolate_boy]

Yeah I wish I could what she is, going out partying every night.. but maybe that's just her way of moving on.. when we were together she never went out, she didn't drink alcohol either.

 

I know what you mean about feeling lonely in a crowd... It just feels like such an effort to be bothered to make conversation with people, I'd actually rather be in bed on my own than that...

 

Lol, I'm depressing myself here.

 

In a sick way I'm sort of enjoying the learning from this, as my life is now 100% (for the worse) different than it was only a month or two back... I know I shouldn't rely on a girlfriend to bring me hapinness... its just been the worst break-up I've been through in a long time... I could have handled it if we had shouted, fallen out, or if she had given me any kind of reason... It was just from acting like she was madly in love with me one day, to shutting me out and never letting me back in the next.

 

NC will heal me, and hopefully bite her in her ass in time... When this rebound is over that she's in.

[In Sync]

there's nothing wrong with staying in bed all day. do it. eventually you'll get bored and will want to do something esle. it's your time. however there's going to come a point when whatever you do however down you go, it'll have nothing to do with her. no matter how much suffering and healing you allow yourself this is your journey and yours alone.

There's going to be a point where you'll have to let go of how my pain is not having any effect on her...that's right. accept the fact she doesn't know how you are feeling and nor does she care. that's a hardcore truth that's equally going to cut to the core, but once you are though that fire it's only a matter of time before you're back and ready to just simply be.

[seachange]

my mom recently passed away and I found a bible of hers and in it on the first page she wrote in her handwriting "Be Your Own Best Friend." Those words have been playing on mind mind ever since I read them. Sometimes we are not our best friends when are in relationships that are more hurtful to us than helpful.

 

This got me a little teary-eyed. It's really true, too. Thanks for the reminder.

[chocolate_boy]

there's nothing wrong with staying in bed all day. do it. eventually you'll get bored and will want to do something esle. it's your time. however there's going to come a point when whatever you do however down you go, it'll have nothing to do with her. no matter how much suffering and healing you allow yourself this is your journey and yours alone.

There's going to be a point where you'll have to let go of how my pain is not having any effect on her...that's right. accept the fact she doesn't know how you are feeling and nor does she care. that's a hardcore truth that's equally going to cut to the core, but once you are though that fire it's only a matter of time before you're back and ready to just simply be.

 

I know, it's not the first break-up I've been through, and I have lost people I have loved more than her before. I think as I said it was just the way this ended, when I've been in previous relationships they've only ended when we have done everything possible to fix them and its a last resort, this one just stopped the minute we hit a rough patch.

 

However I've got to look at it and think I did 100% everything I could to make us work out, apologised, assured her i loved her over and over and didn't want us to be over. Wrote her a letter explaining how I felt etc. She has just coldly shut me out after one argument, ending a relationship of almost a year.

 

I can't beat myself up anymore for something that was out of my control.

 

Doesn't stop me missing her every minute of every day. But I've learnt a technique, if I go somewhere and think "awww we used to go there" I also think of other times I've been there with other people, that helps... in the end the only things I can think of I've ever done exclusively with her 100% is going to her house and a few local restraunts in her area.. and I don't have to be there again.

 

I also worry that I may be single again for a long time, I was for two years before I got with her, and I was quite lonely... and I sort of feel I've lost faith in relationships after this, if someone I trusted and seemed so nice could change overnight, what chance has anyone else got.

 

I guess I will feel differently in time, just wish I hadn't been dealt this blow.

 

I actually remember thinking in August "damn my life is so perfect at the moment, I'm bound to hit something rough soon".

 

[chocolate_boy]

I swear life feels like Groundhog day at the moment, 4am again!

 

Also a work colleuge pointed out how much weight I had lost today, how do you eat when you have no appetite?

 

I am SO sick of feeling like this I swear, it's been 7 weeks now. I can't believe she's done this to me I really can;t.

[In Sync]

chocolate_boy

 

Start eatting something. Soup at least. As I said you take as much time as you need and self indulge when however long you feel. I believe one day your full apetite willreturn. But and this is a big BUT there is a limit. You are hurting yourself physically. Punishing her by not eatting. She does not know nor does she care, but in your mind you are doing this.

 

I still miss my ex. I won't lie. And it was hell in the beginning. Even till this day, I sometimes think hmmm, I wonder about him favorably. AND this MotherF***** was verbally abusive to me.

But this is the mind running amok. It takes extreme will power to control the mind and our thoughts. Its like a child our mind. And until we learn to take control of what thoughts we allow ourselves we are at the mercy of our thoughts. Most of us, don't want to do that...it's too easy to just let our thoughts go wherever..so we dwell in the pain.

Know for yourself that you are choosing to do this and its ok, but you also can control how long you are going to dwell in.

[scobro]

It just hurts so much still, even more than I know my ex has been out partying and now is seeing someone else 6 weeks after we split.

 

Thats what my ex did and she was dating some guy within two weeks and partying I was crushed couldn't sleep or eat either but no contact helped the most.I have been where you are at and all I can say is I never thought I would feel better bur its been 3 months and 6 weeks NC and I feel a lot better now and so will you trust me you will get througfh this

[chocolate_boy]

Thats what my ex did and she was dating some guy within two weeks and partying I was crushed couldn't sleep or eat either but no contact helped the most.I have been where you are at and all I can say is I never thought I would feel better bur its been 3 months and 6 weeks NC and I feel a lot better now and so will you trust me you will get througfh this

 

Thanks for the support, I just wish I could do it, I've met some really nice girls recently but just got absolutely no interest at the moment, and when I go out, alcohol just brings me down more. I dunno how she does it.

 

Apparently she hasn't gone through any heartache it would seem, and the partying etc. is VERY out of character for her.. I suppose she's just doing what she can to move on.

 

I know it takes time, and I'm sort of glad I'm going through it rather than jumping into a rebound, I have done that before and a few months later I went through the pain anyway, that was awful.

[chocolate_boy]

chocolate_boy

 

Start eatting something. Soup at least. As I said you take as much time as you need and self indulge when however long you feel. I believe one day your full apetite willreturn. But and this is a big BUT there is a limit. You are hurting yourself physically. Punishing her by not eatting. She does not know nor does she care, but in your mind you are doing this.

 

I still miss my ex. I won't lie. And it was hell in the beginning. Even till this day, I sometimes think hmmm, I wonder about him favorably. AND this MotherF***** was verbally abusive to me.

But this is the mind running amok. It takes extreme will power to control the mind and our thoughts. Its like a child our mind. And until we learn to take control of what thoughts we allow ourselves we are at the mercy of our thoughts. Most of us, don't want to do that...it's too easy to just let our thoughts go wherever..so we dwell in the pain.

Know for yourself that you are choosing to do this and its ok, but you also can control how long you are going to dwell in.

 

That all makes a lot of sense, I have eaten a few things today, about 5 bananas and some soup, just had a packet of chips too, not a lot but its something.

 

It just is agony that she didn't care about me anywhere near as much as she made out, i feel so decieved and lied too.. she came across all loving and even told me she had never loved anyone like me in her whole life, then two weeks later i'm dumped over one small argument.. seems so senseless...

 

That said I am MAD AS HELL with her for doing it and believe she has no place in my life now, even if she came back on her hands and knees I really think I wouldn't take her back now.

 

I know its not a crime to fall out of love with someone, but she cannot have cared about me anywhere near as much as I did her, cos I'd never put her through this, or desert her over one small problem without even trying to sort it out... she wasn't the person I thought she was, and I'm so dissapointed in her.

 

I am making plans to maybe even start a new life in London in the next 6 months! I had been considering it for years, but now I may finally do it. This could have been the kick up the ass I needed, and the best thing that ever happened to me in hindsight.

[In Sync]

I am making plans to maybe even start a new life in London in the next 6 months! I had been considering it for years, but now I may finally do it. This could have been the kick up the ass I needed, and the best thing that ever happened to me in hindsight

 

Well, I'd like to say I am thrilled for you but did you have to mention London...UGGGGGGGGGGGGH...the ex a.k.a MOTHERF***** that I mentioned who was the was a Brit from London. So you see, I've got issues with the the city and entire country of England!

Ok I get put my issues aside and say good for you...a new beginning is always like starting fresh especially in a different location.