kirbygal1212 Posted May 19, 2023 Posted May 19, 2023 We have been together 1.5 years, living together 10 months. The majority of our relationship has been the kind where other people stop and tell me how happy I look, how good I am for him, and that we are so perfect for each other. He has been there for me in scary medical situations and overall I really appreciate him. I can see the sparkle in his eyes when he looks at me, or at least I used to. Four months back we had an argument and we came very close to mutually breaking up. The words were exchanged, but after a little bit of discussion we decided to remain together. Ever since, he says he feels like there has been a disconnect for him in our relationship. And yes, it is obvious. He is not emotionally or physically intimate with me anymore. We are more like playful roommates/friends. We do kiss hello and goodbye, cuddle on the couch occasionally. But it is all empty now and has been for 4 months. I cannot express the pain I feel as I lay next to the man I love and where there was once closeness and desire, remains something that is hollow and full of longing - at least on my end. Lately I have been sleeping on the opposite end of the house from him, as it hurts too much. When I complained about the lack of intimacy, he just wouldn't respond and it would drive me crazy! Well now he finally opened up. He says that he is content with how things are and that he is tired of me always bringing issues up or having something to complain about. He feels pressured into intimacy and never has alone time anymore. That he just wants to be happy and that he feels nothing he does is ever good enough for me so why bother. That he sees a future being with me but just doesn't know in what way. He is uncertain that anything will ever change in regards to the intimacy. I firmly believe (but acknowledge that I wouldn't really know for certain) that he is not cheating on me. I do believe him when he says he loves me, even still. He is also dealing with depression and uncertainty around his career and purpose in general. However, love alone is not enough and I feel I have reached my breaking point. I have done some reading on the Distancer-Pursuer dynamic and I feel it fits us fairly well, especially lately. In my despair at his withdrawal I feel like I lost some of my confidence and independence. So I have a plan that includes me working more and no longer being in the house when he is home unless it so happens to line up. I am also going to stop mentioning or complaining about the lack of intimacy. If it happens on its own, then okay. But I will not expect it. I will still go on dates with him, if he initiates it. I myself will no longer initiate conversations unless it is time sensitive or important. I feel that I need to regain what I lost and focus on myself. Basically, I am going to stop pursuing him. During this time I am also going to save up for a place if I need to get one. I have told him all this and have started within the past 24 hours. As a result he seems to be going through his own myriad of emotions. Personally, I don't know how I feel and I don't know if I see a future with him anymore. I do know that under all this hurt, anger, and frustration that I am still in love with him. But I cannot continue in a relationship that has the intimacy level of a long established elderly couple. I want my hair to be brushed behind my ear! I want to be held tight! I want to be kissed with passion! Kissed on the neck! I know you all are strangers on the internet, so I am not looking for any sort of definitive answers on what I should do. But is there hope? Am I going about this the right way? Any sort of advice on how to navigate this? Am I over-reacting or being spiteful? As this plan progresses and he maybe wants to further participate in our relationship, how will I know where I stand? Thanks.
basil67 Posted May 19, 2023 Posted May 19, 2023 29 minutes ago, kirbygal1212 said: When I complained about the lack of intimacy, he just wouldn't respond and it would drive me crazy! Well now he finally opened up. He says that he is content with how things are and that he is tired of me always bringing issues up or having something to complain about. He feels pressured into intimacy and never has alone time anymore. That he just wants to be happy and that he feels nothing he does is ever good enough for me so why bother. That he sees a future being with me but just doesn't know in what way. He is uncertain that anything will ever change in regards to the intimacy. Moving on is a wise choice. And by the sounds of the above, it sounds like you should have done it a long time ago. What seems to be happening here is that you were communicating your needs, but he got to the point of feeling attacked and like he could never do any good. Thing is, communicating issues is good. But it's for tweaking the edges of an already good relationship and needs to be used sparingly, being mindful that your partner is who they are. Honestly, it's better to break up than be on their case about many unmet needs. Regarding intimacy, there are song lyrics which reflect what is likely going on in his mind. It goes something like: "It's hard to kiss the lips at night which chew your a** out all day long". Of course, I'm not suggesting that you were a daily nag, but he's not going to want sex with you when he's frequently being told that he's not good enough.
Weezy1973 Posted May 19, 2023 Posted May 19, 2023 47 minutes ago, kirbygal1212 said: Four months back we had an argument and we came very close to mutually breaking up. The words were exchanged, but after a little bit of discussion we decided to remain together. So something happened during this argument that changed his feelings. It’s possible this was something major, or he had been building up resentment for awhile and this was the straw that broke the camel’s back. It’s clear the honeymoon period is over. And sounds like he’s lost feelings and attraction towards you. Ending it sooner rather than later is better. 1
Gaeta Posted May 20, 2023 Posted May 20, 2023 Words have power, they can destroy beyond repair, sounds like what was said destroyed something that cannot be put back together. It's time to end the relationship. It's better for both of you. 1
Lotsgoingon Posted May 20, 2023 Posted May 20, 2023 Can you tell us what the argument was about? Because that matters in situations like this. There are no "generic" arguments. The subject of the argument matters greatly. Sounds like you're wanting more closeness than he does. I don't mean to insult you, but is there a chance you're more needy than him? Needy people--and I people who need to be constantly reassured that you like/love them--can be exhausting to a partner. Because the closeness can't rise. No matter what, the needy one goes back to zero and needs to be built up and reassured again and again. I have no idea if that describes you. But I'm asking. Please tell us what the argument was about. Sounds like you both underestimated the damage created by the argument. It could also be that the argument revealed that you two really aren't compatible and neither of you has been strong enough to face that truth.
BaileyB Posted May 20, 2023 Posted May 20, 2023 (edited) There is no future for this relationship if you live like roommates. It hurts too much to live with a man that you love and with whom you want to have an intimate and loving relationship when he does not feel the same way. As you are aware, the constant rejection hurts to the core. You have made a wise decision by focusing on your own mental health and finding your own joy. I’m sad to say that I think you should go further and move out. A man who is this apathetic when you ask him if he sees a future together - that’s not a relationship in which you should be investing your time and energy. You know that, it’s why you have decided to do your own thing. As you say, you want someone who choses you and wants to be a loving and intimate partner. He is content to keep the comfort of the companionate relationship that you currently share but he is no longer invested in a romantic relationship. It’s time to move on and find someone who wants the same kind of relationship that you want. Edited May 20, 2023 by BaileyB 1
Measure Posted May 20, 2023 Posted May 20, 2023 3 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said: Sounds like you're wanting more closeness than he does. I don't mean to insult you, but is there a chance you're more needy than him? Needy people--and I people who need to be constantly reassured that you like/love them--can be exhausting to a partner. Because the closeness can't rise. No matter what, the needy one goes back to zero and needs to be built up and reassured again and again. You know, i just have to say, not that there aren't needy people but, this type of situation is typically an intimacy compatibity issue and has nothing to do with "needy". I express my "love" physically. I've been with many woman that were less so if not the complete opposite. I've learned i need to end those incompatible relationships sooner rather than later as it does neither party any good to prolong it. For example my wife, not only did she not like to show affection in public but she was even uncomfortable with me touching her thigh, looking deeply into her eyes, basically any show of affection even privately unless we were engaged in intercourse. Her whole familly is pretty stoic, rarely showing emotion. For me, her reaching out for my hand is like a 1 on the intamacy scale. For her it was a 10. I never appreciated the level of effort she was putting in at the time. She tried and she tried to put up with me but ultimately we seperated because we loved each other and I didnt want us to end up hating each other. For a couple years she "resented" me and was pissed I left but ultimately we became closer than we ever were before, as family and as friends, though not as "partners". Intimacy compatibility issues are a BIG deal. It's a relationship killer.
ExpatInItaly Posted May 20, 2023 Posted May 20, 2023 5 hours ago, kirbygal1212 said: So I have a plan that includes me working more and no longer being in the house when he is home unless it so happens to line up. Girl. When you reach this point and you've only been dating 18 months, the relationship is already over. It sounds like whatever happened during the argument pushed it over the edge and he doesn't really want to be there anymore, but also doesn't want to the bad guy and end it - so he's biding his time until you do it. Don't waste your time on a convulted distance-pursuit action plan. Just end it. It's already heading towards an inevitabe break-up. You might as well not drag it out. 2
Wiseman2 Posted May 20, 2023 Posted May 20, 2023 10 hours ago, kirbygal1212 said: am going to stop pursuing him. During this time I am also going to save up for a place if I need to get one. Sorry this is happening. Is it your place, his place or do you co-own or co-lease? Do you both work? Do you share in household and financial responsibility? What is the reason you decided to live together after dating only 8 months? It seems like too much too soon and unfortunately you're now seeing a lot of incompatibility. You're doing the right thing saving for your own place. You've tried to get along and tried taking, but right now, you're just living there without a satisfactory relationship.
NuevoYorko Posted May 20, 2023 Posted May 20, 2023 I agree that it's clearly time to move on. I mean, MOVE ON. Don't go forward with this "punishment" of withdrawal from him while remaining in this dead relationship. Break up. There is, however, a big hole in your description of your relationship leading up to this time. What other people said about their perception of your relationship is not pertinent. "Overall" you've really appreciated him and saw a sparkle in his eye. That's all we got. Then the turning point of the huge argument happens. You left this completely out. Obviously there were serious problems behind this catastrophic blowup. I don't think that this relationship is reparable but it will serve you well if you are willing to look realistically at the trajectory of it that brought you to where you are today. It's a long, long distance between what "other people" stop and tell you, a sparkle in his eye, and your current situation. 2
BaileyB Posted May 20, 2023 Posted May 20, 2023 (edited) 4 hours ago, NuevoYorko said: Don't go forward with this "punishment" of withdrawal from him while remaining in this dead relationship. Totally agree. It seems like cruel and unusual punishment to stay in the relationship, sleep on the other side of the house, and do your own thing… hoping for what? The love will grow again? That doesn’t magically happen while you are sleeping on the other side of the house and going out with friends/doing your own activities. And given what he has said, your “withdrawal” from the relationship is unlikely to prompt a sudden epiphany or change of heart from him. It would seem to me that you are just prolonging the inevitable, which will just be torturous for you. IDK what happened here because you haven’t really said much, but people have disagreements and even big fights and stay together. If one fight has caused him to check out of the relationship - that, to me, says the relationship wasn’t perhaps as strong and/or he wasn’t as invested as you may have thought. I’m sorry. Edited May 20, 2023 by BaileyB 2
stillafool Posted May 20, 2023 Posted May 20, 2023 I agree with others that it's time for you to move on. He may love you but has fallen out of love with you and that is why he no longer desires sex with you. If you think your plan will somehow make him want you again you are fooling yourself and wasting time. Let him go and if you're meant to be together it will happen whether you're under the same roof or not. Don't hang around where you're not wanted.
ShyViolet Posted May 20, 2023 Posted May 20, 2023 20 hours ago, kirbygal1212 said: So I have a plan that includes me working more and no longer being in the house when he is home unless it so happens to line up. I am also going to stop mentioning or complaining about the lack of intimacy. If it happens on its own, then okay. But I will not expect it. I will still go on dates with him, if he initiates it. I myself will no longer initiate conversations unless it is time sensitive or important. What kind of relationship is this, and what kind of way is this to live?? This relationship is over. If you even need to say all this, it's done. The only thing you need to be doing is working on a solid plan to move out. 2
free_radicals Posted May 21, 2023 Posted May 21, 2023 Quote He says that he is content with how things are and that he is tired of me always bringing issues up or having something to complain about. He feels pressured into intimacy and never has alone time anymore. That he just wants to be happy and that he feels nothing he does is ever good enough for me so why bother. That he sees a future being with me but just doesn't know in what way. He is uncertain that anything will ever change in regards to the intimacy. Unfortunately, tense situations between two people can change the dynamic of a relationship (friends, dating, or otherwise), just like it did with you. It has happened to me with friends and a former girlfriend. In fact, with the former girlfriend, we were in a similar situation - living together, yet eventually it felt like roommates rather than lovers. We moved out and later realized it was all on me. With you though, I think it's time to move out. Normally I'd say there's a slim chance of it getting better IF HE decides to put that argument fully behind and make the effort to return to how things were before. But if he's content the way things are, then it's time to move out. Communication is HUGE in relationships- have you tried to sit down and work through his complaints of needing alone time, pressure of intimacy, etc.? Those can be worked out if the communication is there.
smackie9 Posted May 21, 2023 Posted May 21, 2023 It's good that you have communicated to him how you feel, and what your process is going forward. Sometimes time apart is what is needs to reflect on whether this is worth fighting for or not. If he doesn't come fighting for you, at least you will be prepared and your departure will go smoothly.
Ageless Wisdom23 Posted May 23, 2023 Posted May 23, 2023 (edited) It appears ever since this really bad and serious argument back four months Ago, Your relationship has gone downhill in every aspect of the word. And I see no signs of stopping. Unless you both consent to a therapist to help in this Matter, I am not seeing any hope for you both. It must have been pretty fatal to kill everything you invested in in your relationship. No, I would not care to stay if he was not going to be any sort of partner. Try and talk to him as one last sort about the therapy. I am no stranger to your problem. I see this a lot. Edited May 23, 2023 by Ageless Wisdom23
Calmandfocused Posted May 23, 2023 Posted May 23, 2023 This constant rejection over and over, slapping you in the face repeatedly is no good for you. Your number 1 job before anything else is to look after you. You are not looking after you. You’re volunteering every last shred of your dignity and self esteem to be eroded into oblivion. Why? Because of hope? Hope can be a very destructive concept. Here’s the evidence right here. So to answer your question directly: there is no hope for this relationship. Get yourself out of this toxic situation. Tell your boyfriend it’s over, get a new place to live and be gone.
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