do you think it's ok to have secrets in your relationship?

[basil67]

9 minutes ago, justaskingok said:

Imagine telling someone you have an eating disorder, and everytime you have dinner with them, they are judging you. It's added on anxiety.

I'm already an overthinker by nature...I don't need added stress.

Imagine if you married someone who was a compulsive gambler and they didn't disclose until after you married and combined bank accounts. 

Re the bolded, if you are in a partnership, it ceases to be about what you need.  Instead, it's about what both of you need to make a cohesive couple  For better or worse, our behaviour and decisions will affect our partner.  If you aren't comfortable with honesty about yourself, then you're probably not ready for a relationship.

Edited June 16, 2023 by basil67

[Kassieee]

For example.

My aunt got mad at my uncle one day and announced that she caught him watching porn and hes a preacher at a church, doubt he wants that info out.....people get petty in relationships. 

[basil67]

4 minutes ago, justaskingok said:

For example.

My aunt got mad at my uncle one day and announced that she caught him watching porn and hes a preacher at a church, doubt he wants that info out.....people get petty in relationships. 

This is exactly my point!  He should have disclosed that he likes porn from the outset!  It's so that she could make an informed decision about marrying him.  If she was cool with it, there would be no issue

Edited June 16, 2023 by basil67

[Kassieee]

10 minutes ago, basil67 said:

This is exactly my point!  He should have disclosed that he likes porn from the outset!  It's so that she could make an informed decision about marrying him.  If she was cool with it, there would be no issue

But my point is she aired him out like that to everyone because she was annoyed at him and wanted to be petty. (not even for the reason that he was watching porn). Like tame yourself he's still your husband. 

 

 

 

Edited June 16, 2023 by justaskingok

[glows]

I felt like this for a time but I agree with the above comment it’s likely because you’re not ready to be open and vulnerable. Trust takes time to develop. It doesn’t happen overnight. Having had several relationships full of lies and half truths when I did the opposite and was honest from day 1 I can truly say I’ve lived with no regrets and held nothing of myself back. Others? Not so much. They came back and wanted to make amends, apologize for not being truthful or open from the start. 

And guess what? I changed and my feelings changed for them too. Since I learned all those truths after the fact the person I might have fallen in love with wasn’t real. What was portrayed to be was a different person trying to be someone else. I still don’t believe it’s beneficial at all to hold back parts of one’s self in a truly meaningful relationship. It causes more heartache especially for the person who may carry the burden of not having been completely open in the first place. I feel lighthearted but the people I may have known (mentioned above) don’t travel as light.

I realize you have poor role models in your family and I’m sorry about that. Look beyond that and figure out the kind of person you want to be instead of just reacting to what’s around you.

[Alpacalia]

If it's actively affecting your dating life, like alcoholism would or if you had a sexually transmittable disease then it's probably a good idea to disclose it. It's important to know when it's time to disclose, as it can be a difficult and sensitive topic. Ultimately, it is up to you when and how you decide to share this kind of information.

Your medical history is private. It's similar to why there is a thing called HIPAA.

As in, this is something that someone else outside of you does not need to know. If your partner were to ask you directly then you should answer honestly, but as far as disclosure goes initially it's up to you to decide when and how much to disclose. Prioritize your own emotional and physical safety.

Although you have nothing to be ashamed of, there are people with misconceptions about ED that may lead them to automatically assume you have anorexia and still have it, whether this is the case or not. If you have really good and trusting people you could tell them, but I would double check and wait until the time feels right.

Edited June 16, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Kassieee]

7 minutes ago, glows said:

I felt like this for a time but I agree with the above comment it’s likely because you’re not ready to be open and vulnerable. Trust takes time to develop. It doesn’t happen overnight. Having had several relationships full of lies and half truths when I did the opposite and was honest from day 1 I can truly say I’ve lived with no regrets and held nothing of myself back. Others? Not so much. They came back and wanted to make amends, apologize for not being truthful or open from the start. 

And guess what? I changed and my feelings changed for them too. Since I learned all those truths after the fact the person I might have fallen in love with wasn’t real. What was portrayed to be was a different person trying to be someone else. I still don’t believe it’s beneficial at all to hold back parts of one’s self in a truly meaningful relationship. It causes more heartache especially for the person who may carry the burden of not having been completely open in the first place. I feel lighthearted but the people I may have known (mentioned above) don’t travel as light.

I realize you have poor role models in your family and I’m sorry about that. Look beyond that and figure out the kind of person you want to be instead of just reacting to what’s around you.

Can you explain what you mean by  'they don't travel as light'.

[basil67]

1 hour ago, justaskingok said:

But my point is she aired him out like that to everyone because she was annoyed at him and wanted to be petty. (not even for the reason that he was watching porn). Like tame yourself he's still your husband. 

Yeah, and my sister disclosed to us when her husband was abusive.  Sometimes people need the support of their loved ones when their partner is unable to do that job.  

However, I do agree that she shouldn't disclose to the congregation!

Edited June 16, 2023 by basil67

[Kassieee]

12 minutes ago, basil67 said:

She was pissed because he didn't disclose his true self to her and she married him not knowing the truth of him.  In my view, he got what was coming to him.  

This is what can happens when we keep significant secrets from our partner.

No. She didn't aire him out because she was angry about catching him watching the naughty. She was mad because he no longer can drive her everywhere anymore because he's in his late 70s and is having issues. So she had a temper tantrum, and wanted to embarrass him. She said he was watching it while on vacation, he doesnt see that stuff otherwise because he doesnt own anything that has that stuff. He doesnt even have a cell phone. 

"He had it coming" is what scares me. It's not ok to embarrass eachother to other people... while married. That's just me.

Edited June 16, 2023 by justaskingok

[basil67]

I reworded my response but you didn't see it in time  

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, justaskingok said:

Imagine telling someone you have an eating disorder, and everytime you have dinner with them, they are judging you. .

Definitely wait until you know each other and trust someone with sensitive information. The reason is actually to protect yourself not them. If someone views this as a deal breaker it's better to cut your losses sooner than later.

In general as far as "sharing secrets", there seems to be a trend of over sharing and TMI. Especially too early on. This too can backfire.

Some examples are too much past relationship  detail and sexual history. Spilling out every single trauma and trigger and so forth, that actually would be better reserved for the privacy and confidentiality of a healthcare providers office.

In every interaction people would be better off using discretion. Things can't be unsaid but can be revealed at a later time. Always remember your Miranda rights: anything you say can be held against you. Dating is to get to know someone as a whole person, it's not therapy, so having yourself together is always a good idea.

 

Edited June 16, 2023 by Wiseman2

[NuevoYorko]

3 hours ago, justaskingok said:

Imagine telling someone you have an eating disorder, and everytime you have dinner with them, they are judging you. It's added on anxiety.

I'm already an overthinker by nature...I don't need added stress.

I understand where you're coming from, but you don't need a boyfriend either, if this is a current situation in your life.  Again, only share with trusted people - not in early dating - but if you want to get serious, they DESERVE to know the good, the bad and the ugly about you.  Also, you DESERVE to be with someone who accepts the darkest parts of you.  

[Lotsgoingon]

The best thing you can do is great treatment for the eating disorder, to make progress on the disorder, progress towards healthier eating.

People disclose all the time that they have drinking problems and other problems and often disclose right away, especially if they have the problem in remission.

Your focus should be on treating the disorder not on hiding it from dating partners. A partner has the right to know that the other person has a major health disorder, including cancer, rare conditions, heart troubles, depression and on and on. 

Are you getting treated now? Some disorders (and addictions) require multiple treatment attempts and different methods and different providers, sometimes a combination of methods and providers. What's going on with your treatment? 

Your uncle example is beside the point. That's an apparently dysfunctional (and cruel) marriage--has nothing to do with the topic here. 

[basil67]

@justaskingok I finally understand what you were saying about your aunt and uncle.  It wasn't that he'd kept secrets, but rather, she used information about him to hurt him because she was mad.  Gotcha.  Sorry for the confusion

Thing is though, life is pretty much chaos.  Trying to control it is fruitless, so the secret is actually resilience...the ability to recover if something goes wrong.  I mean, you could keep a secret about yourself to save yourself from hurt. And then completely unrelated to this, your partner cheats.  Or you have a happy marriage and your child dies from cancer. Bad stuff happens, and we can't control it.  

One thing is for sure, the less risks we take, the less we live life.  We won't travel because what if the plane crashes, we won't be able to sustain a relationship due to trust issues, We won't try a new skill because we think we might be hopeless at it.   You can't let fear rule your life.  If you keep yourself closed up to hurt, you won't fully live life.  And that's another thing about resilience - we can't develop it without experiencing hardship.  

One of my friends is recovered from anorexia.  We knew about it, her husband knew about it.  Now, she could have kept it a secret, but instead she had a husband who, knowing she couldn't drink (prior damage to her liver due to eating disorder), chose to abstain alongside her to support her.   Her trust to disclose with him was part of how he came to be a huge support to her.  Telling a person earlier in the relationship gives you the information you need to figure out if they will be your main supporter or someone you should ditch.  

Say you get a boyfriend and all is going well. Then you disclose your medical issues.  What's the worst that could happen?   Perhaps it's that he mocks you or doesn't understand.  Well, he's just given you the info you need to know that he's not good for you.  On the contrary, what's the best that could happen?  You get someone who loves and supports you

 

[JTSW]

7 hours ago, justaskingok said:

Imagine telling someone you have an eating disorder, and everytime you have dinner with them, they are judging you.

Do you think every guy is like this?

Because they're not.

You are just making assumptions.

 

[JTSW]

6 hours ago, justaskingok said:

For example.

My aunt got mad at my uncle one day and announced that she caught him watching porn and hes a preacher at a church, doubt he wants that info out.....people get petty in relationships. 

 

6 hours ago, justaskingok said:

But my point is she aired him out like that to everyone because she was annoyed at him and wanted to be petty. (not even for the reason that he was watching porn). Like tame yourself he's still your husband. 

Are you basing it all off your aunt and uncles situation?

Because it sounds like there are more deep routed issues in their marriage other than porn.

This is a bad example to use OP.

Not everyone is like that but you seem to have got it into your head that they are.

 

[Alpacalia]

Seeing it from your date's perspective is very helpful if you're struggling with when to disclose. It isn't something you can keep hidden as a charming quirk if you want them to care about and support you. Similarly, if you feel concerned about their reaction because of signs of lack of acceptance, that's a warning sign. Nope nope nope.

People that I just met or are just becoming acquainted with aren't entitled to know my full medical history. I am not obligated to share my story with them and I don't owe anybody an explanation. It's my responsibility to take care of myself and make sure I'm surrounded by people that are supportive and understanding. If they can't, it's time to part ways.

It'd be nice to know if a man has a history of cheating, seeing prostitutes, or having erectile dysfunction. However, I understand those are personal matters and I don't expect that information during the first few dates. But maybe a few dates after that it would be appropriate to ask? Just in case... you know, for future reference!

It's a delicate balance between trying to get to know someone and respecting their privacy. That said, I think it's important to be honest and open about these matters if a relationship is to progress and develop.

Edited June 16, 2023 by Alpacalia

[NuevoYorko]

You appear to have a limited concept of "trust."  

I'm sorry to tell you that when you trust a person enough to share things about yourself which are uncomfortable for you to talk about,  it doesn't mean that they are guaranteed to stay by your side.  They still may choose to leave you.  They need to take care of themselves.  A heathy person often will choose a healthy person.   A damaged person often seeks the same, unfortunately.

It sounds like you're a teenager, and you have a lot ahead of you in life.   I hope you will address the eating disorder.   

[Kassieee]

1 hour ago, NuevoYorko said:

You appear to have a limited concept of "trust."  

I'm sorry to tell you that when you trust a person enough to share things about yourself which are uncomfortable for you to talk about,  it doesn't mean that they are guaranteed to stay by your side.  They still may choose to leave you.  They need to take care of themselves.  A heathy person often will choose a healthy person.   A damaged person often seeks the same, unfortunately.

It sounds like you're a teenager, and you have a lot ahead of you in life.   I hope you will address the eating disorder.   

Meh. That's not the part I'm worried about, them leaving.

[Alvino Martins]

Ah, the age-old question of how much should be shared in a relationship. It's a delicate balance, my friend. While it's important to build trust and intimacy by opening up and sharing aspects of yourself, it doesn't necessarily mean you have to divulge every single detail.

In a marriage, there tends to be a higher level of sharing and vulnerability since it's a deeper commitment. However, even in that case, it's still okay to have certain aspects of your life that you keep to yourself, as long as it doesn't impact your partner directly.

When it comes to something like an eating disorder, it's a personal struggle that may not directly affect your partner, but it's also a significant part of your life. It ultimately depends on your comfort level and the level of trust you've established in the relationship. Opening up about such a sensitive topic can foster understanding and empathy, and it may also allow your partner to offer support if they are capable and willing.

Trust is key in any relationship. If you feel that sharing certain aspects of your life would strengthen the bond and deepen the connection, it's worth considering. However, it's important to assess your partner's capacity for empathy, understanding, and support before sharing such sensitive information.

Remember, everyone's boundaries and comfort levels are different, and there's no one-size-fits-all approach. It's about finding the right balance and understanding between you and your partner. Trust your instincts and go with what feels right for you.

[NuevoYorko]

2 hours ago, justaskingok said:

Meh. That's not the part I'm worried about, them leaving.

If you're mostly worried about them telling other people, then you really need to take a serious look at who you're choosing to date.  

[mark clemson]

I actually think it's a luxury to be able to be fully honest about all aspects of one's personality/sexuality etc.

One takes a big risk disclosing certain things to others, depending on the social setting. There's always the chance the person will turn on you after a breakup and reveal things like bisexuality, interest in BDSM, things one might have done in the past, etc, etc.

For some people in some situations, unplanned/involuntary disclosure of these things by a partner or former partner can have MAJOR consequences.

So I think many folks who have "higher risk" aspects to their personality/history learn (wisely) to be quite cautions about when, how, and who they reveal these things to. That includes with SOs/partners.

I don't think everyone who has "secrets" necessarily carries around a large burden of guilt about them. Probably some do, but I suspect many do not, e.g. if they've come to grips with that aspect of their personality vice how "society"/other people might react and realize they actually have good reasons for keeping certain things hidden.

Of course one has to (or at least should) weigh how such things might impact a partner. But it's conversely true that, just because someone has a secret, it doesn't mean they should be forced to live life without a partner. One might label such behavior "selfish" or what have you, but reproduction is (of course) a major drive, so expecting someone to forego partners for this sort of reason is idealistic/unrealistic.

Edited June 16, 2023 by mark clemson

[Lotsgoingon]

Look I work with young people and in public conversations a shockingly high number of the young women will admit to having had an eating disorder. These disorders range along a continuum of severity. Now, do these young women share their disorder with potential bf's. I think they do not long into the relationships they have. 

A few years ago, I was working with a group of young people and had a conference with one and learned that she had had anorexia. Now, I'm not a potential dating partner, but her admission of having had anorexia actually made me root for her and made think she is building some real strength, because she didn't have to disclose. She felt comfortable doing so. Might have been part of her healing and treatment protocol: to disclose! 

Lots of guys are blind to signs of eating disorders and don't realize how devastating they can be. 

[basil67]

 Indeed.  Eating disorders were also far too common in my now 23yo's high school cohort.

@justaskingok I think that perhaps you underestimate the observations those around you will make.  When my daughter and her mates noticed their friend losing weight and not eating, they respectfully contacted the girl's mother just to make sure mum was aware that her daughter might be at risk.  Likewise with others who either had a dx or were at risk, they all looked out for each other.  It wasn't about judging or gossiping, it was about caring and supporting.

[Kassieee]

48 minutes ago, basil67 said:

 Indeed.  Eating disorders were also far too common in my now 23yo's high school cohort.

@justaskingok I think that perhaps you underestimate the observations those around you will make.  When my daughter and her mates noticed their friend losing weight and not eating, they respectfully contacted the girl's mother just to make sure mum was aware that her daughter might be at risk.  Likewise with others who either had a dx or were at risk, they all looked out for each other.  It wasn't about judging or gossiping, it was about caring and supporting.

Thank goodness she has safe, supportive people around her. Not everyone is that lucky!!