do you think it's ok to have secrets in your relationship?

[Mrin]

6 hours ago, justaskingok said:

Then how early should you tell them? Right off the bat?

Yes this should be disclosed in a healthy relationship and no, not right off the bat.

Here's the way I would look at it if I were you. At some point in a serious committed relationship the relationship starts to feel (or should start to feel) partnership-ish. That that other person is your partner and your partner looks out for you and supports you. You support each other. You make each other better. You help each other grow.

I think that's the time when it's important to disclose something like this. I've actually been in this situation and it was really important for the woman I was dating to disclose that she had an eating condition. I could then factor her condition into my behavior and find ways to support her. Her disclosure helped me be a better partner. 

I think that's when it makes sense to disclose. Prior to that it's just airing dirty laundry. And after that it's actually counterproductive to the relationship.

Does that make sense?

Mrin 

[Mrin]

5 hours ago, justaskingok said:

I'm wondering what a guy truly thinks being told something like this. Probably thinks it's pathetic and it's for vanity reasons. Probably would brush it off as being a stupid girl.

Omg maybe if he was 21. 

Look - as we mature we all get our bumps and bruises. Our baggage. Our emotional traumas. It is just part of life. Any man of any maturity understands this - and has his own. Learning about your relationship partner is just part of growing together.

I don't mean this to upset you but how old are you? You seem to have a highly polarized mindset.

Mrin

[mark clemson]

"Affect" is subjective here. Does high risk behavior such as drag racing for thrills "affect" a partner who's unaware of it?

Anyhow, whether or not one believes secrets are ok, "radical honesty" is a couples therapy technique. The existence of this as a technique implies that many if not most couples have at least some secrets between them.

Magnitude is also an issue. I might not want to broach every minor issue I or a partner has for the sake of "honesty." It doesn't affect my partner that something they do annoys me. However if I say nothing to "keep the peace" and don't address the issue in some other way, it's likely to eventually come out in a less controlled way, such as during an argument.

[Giovane]

I agree that health issues are something a long-term partner, especially a spouse, should know about.

However, as far as other topics are concerned, I think it's OK to keep secrets. Some examples I'm thinking of are past relationships, maybe some kinds of sexual fantasies you're not planning on acting on, or maybe when you are attracted to other people and feel sure that it will pass (like a flu).

[Lotsgoingon]

Your eating disorder did affect the relationship. Just as the trauma in my family affected my relationships. And I didn't disclose the trauma because frankly I wasn't aware of it. I just took all the stress and overwhelm and conflict and pain in my family as "normal." 

One way not disclosing your eating issues can affect the relationship for sure is that you block your chances of feeling fully accepted, being imperfect. You will fall into performing mode. You want to deshame all that. We all have weaknesses and struggles and it's also possible that your isolation and keeping secrets is something that feeds the disorder. You create your own loneliness by not disclosing. 

I have a history of depression and I disclose that even though it's been in remission for decades now. Why? Because healing from depression and my fear of relapse is a big part of my journey. And again, disclosing helps me get close to people. A big part of healing from depression and addictions (huge in my family and with myself) is experiencing genuine closeness with others, genuine acceptance and love. A huge part of psychological healing is feeling loved even as we are imperfect. You are blocking yourself from getting genuine love. The more you think you have to be perfect and present yourself in a way that is not really accurate, the less loved you will feel. You will live in fear of being discovered. When we know we can be loved and love ourselves even with our flaws, it takes the pressure off and lessens the fear of the disorder. The fear around the disorder (the fear of disclosing) is often part of the disorder. And that's for eating and addictions and all kinds of things. 

Have you talked about this issue (disclosing) in therapy? Are you getting treatment for your disorder? 

Trust me though: your disorder does come through and the more psychologically adept your friends and partners are, the more they will sense that something is going on even if it's not spoken about. 

 

[Weezy1973]

Your desire to keep it secret is driven by shame, which likely is part of the cause of the eating disorder in the first place. Feeling you need to hide things in general is going to weigh on somebody and lead to unhealthy coping mechanisms. If you can at least share your eating disorder with close family and friends, and yes a relationship partner, it probably nodes well for overcoming the eating disorder as well.

[Measure]

Obviously if you are in a serious relationship your partner needs to know who you are and what you are dealing with in your life.  How can you even consider it a serious relationship if you are hiding yourselves from each other?

I understand where you are coming from though. I grew up in a huge, very extroverted, family that loved to gossip.  Everything anybody did every second of their life was known by every family/extended family member then subsequently the rest of the world.  I do not like people to know about my business unless I tell them.  Consequently, I’ve got a very low opinion of “family” and have not associated with anyone in my family for decades.

I don’t let anybody close to me that I don’t trust will keep my business to themselves.  I don’t hide who I am though.  For people I trust I am an open book.  How I’ve handled this in my life is, I won’t start dating someone that knows other people I know unless I know what kind of person they are.  If they gossip, talk about other people’s business, that’s a no go.  If it’s somebody that doesn’t know anybody I know then I won’t introduce them to anybody I know until I know I can trust them.

As far as if/when I make a mistake in judgment and someone passes on something about me to other people?  The people I associate with are going to know about it anyway because I’ll have told them.  I could care less what people I don’t associate with know or think, out of sight out of mind, which is what the person that gossiped about me will now be.

[Kassieee]

8 hours ago, JTSW said:

You seem to have a bad image of men in general.

There are men out there that are very understanding.

Honestly I don't think any guy would find it pathetic or stupid.

I don't think you can trust anyone completely. I've seen married people who were together since teenagers hate eachother in the end and air out eachothers secrets. People can change to trust worthy people to nasty petty ones. You may feel like you can trust them but theres always a risk they can change on you. That's just humans in general not just men. 

 

Edited May 19, 2023 by justaskingok

[Kassieee]

24 minutes ago, Measure said:

Obviously if you are in a serious relationship your partner needs to know who you are and what you are dealing with in your life.  How can you even consider it a serious relationship if you are hiding yourselves from each other?

I understand where you are coming from though. I grew up in a huge, very extroverted, family that loved to gossip.  Everything anybody did every second of their life was known by every family/extended family member then subsequently the rest of the world.  I do not like people to know about my business unless I tell them.  Consequently, I’ve got a very low opinion of “family” and have not associated with anyone in my family for decades.

I don’t let anybody close to me that I don’t trust will keep my business to themselves.  I don’t hide who I am though.  For people I trust I am an open book.  How I’ve handled this in my life is, I won’t start dating someone that knows other people I know unless I know what kind of person they are.  If they gossip, talk about other people’s business, that’s a no go.  If it’s somebody that doesn’t know anybody I know then I won’t introduce them to anybody I know until I know I can trust them.

As far as if/when I make a mistake in judgment and someone passes on something about me to other people?  The people I associate with are going to know about it anyway because I’ll have told them.  I could care less what people I don’t associate with know or think, out of sight out of mind, which is what the person that gossiped about me will now be.

That's exactly how my family is, they announce everyone's business. They act supportive but behind their backs talk badly about them. I had my mom tell my aunts not to talk badly about other people infront of me. If you're struggling you are considered weak. In my case theres no point in sharing such things at all.

[Kassieee]

3 hours ago, Mrin said:

Omg maybe if he was 21. 

Look - as we mature we all get our bumps and bruises. Our baggage. Our emotional traumas. It is just part of life. Any man of any maturity understands this - and has his own. Learning about your relationship partner is just part of growing together.

I don't mean this to upset you but how old are you? You seem to have a highly polarized mindset.

Mrin

That is around the age group I date.

I have alot of emotional traumas but you'd never know..... is that another thing you must share in a relationship, your past? Nothing can be kept to yourself, really?

[Mrin]

1 hour ago, justaskingok said:

That is around the age group I date.

I have alot of emotional traumas but you'd never know..... is that another thing you must share in a relationship, your past? Nothing can be kept to yourself, really?

Okay well then you are dating pretty immature men. And if you are around that age you are also pretty immature. That's not a put-down - at-all. You/they are simply just still in the process of developing into an adult and having healthy adult relationships. Don't worry, it comes with time. Lol.

As for whether you can keep something to yourself - sure. If you want. Here's the thing - at some point you may be so close with a partner that you want them to know the real you. The whole you. And, in knowing the whole you, they can become a better partner. A genuine partner. 

That's not first date type material. Or maybe even first year material. That's for the most special of relationships that you might form in the future. 

In the end, we share our secrets with partners because we want to. Not because we feel obligated to. Or are required to. Because after all, it's a secret. There's no omnipotent referee that's going to whistle you for non-disclosure. 

Another way to look at it is play a mental exercise where the roles are reversed. Would you want your relationship partner to share the real him/her with you? Or would you want them to keep that part secret? Caution - typically we want to know the real other person long before we want to share our true selves. So... Use that as a barometer.

Hope this helps!

Mrin

Edited May 19, 2023 by Mrin

[Kassieee]

18 minutes ago, Mrin said:

Okay well then you are dating pretty immature men. And if you are around that age you are also pretty immature. That's not a put-down - at-all. You/they are simply just still in the process of developing into an adult and having healthy adult relationships. Don't worry, it comes with time. Lol.

As for whether you can keep something to yourself - sure. If you want. Here's the thing - at some point you may be so close with a partner that you want them to know the real you. The whole you. And, in knowing the whole you, they can become a better partner. A genuine partner. 

That's not first date type material. Or maybe even first year material. That's for the most special of relationships that you might form in the future. 

In the end, we share our secrets with partners because we want to. Not because we feel obligated to. Or are required to. Because after all, it's a secret. There's no omnipotent referee that's going to whistle you for non-disclosure. 

Another way to look at it is play a mental exercise where the roles are reversed. Would you want your relationship partner to share the real him/her with you? Or would you want them to keep that part secret? Caution - typically we want to know the real other person long before we want to share our true selves. So... Use that as a barometer.

Hope this helps!

Mrin

No offense taken at all. Maybe older guys are a safer bet.

[MsJayne]

15 hours ago, justaskingok said:

What if you're just dating someone, you share personal struggles....and then you just end up breaking up, now they tell other people your business, and it makes you uncomfortable. You don't want just anyone knowing your business.

 

This is a very valid point. I don't think you have to tell anyone about anything that doesn't affect them directly. BUT....an eating disorder is not only a health issue, it's a psychological issue as well, and it's a serious one, and that always affects a partner eventually. Only you know what drives your experience of this disorder, it's not always about body image, it can be far more serious than that, and  you don't want to spring this on a partner out of the blue, especially not just as you start discussing a long-term future. Have you considered getting help for it? Or are you already getting help for it? If you believe that your partner lacks empathy or integrity, or if he gossips about other people, that's a worry. 

[Lotsgoingon]

First of all, you don't need to tell people right away about your "secrets." They can organically emerge the more you trust the person.

Now I want to shift to the perspective of someone who hears a date disclose a condition. I learned something important from my ex, who had a serious psychological condition she was totally defensive about. That condition led to act really cruel at times.  I suggested she go for some help with the condition since it affected her and affected me. 

She didn't want to go. 

So my rule for dating now is: everyone's going to have some issue, but I want to know that they are actively working to treat their condition and to minimize its negative impact on our relationship. So if someone discloses an eating disorder to me (and I don't expect that on a first date), the first question I have is: are they being treated? Are they seeking and getting really good treatment?  If the answer is no, I move on. I can be friends, but I won't date someone who has a condition, whether psychiatric or physical (like a heart condition) who is not getting treated. 

Now back to your side of things. When I think about disclosing parts of my history, I realize something. I had to deshame myself about my own history, including my history with depression. In other words, if I'm acting like I'm defective because I've been treated for depression, then yes revealing my history will be scary.

But I'm not ashamed of my history of depression. (And btw: I have it aggressively monitored by multiple health providers. I'm connecting back to the first issue above.)

It may sound paradoxical and impossible, but you don't have to ashamed of the condition. Being ashamed of some history of depression only makes me more vulnerable to depression. One of my best friends in graduate school taught me this. She just owned up to all of her insecurities and quirks and yes, her history with depression. And yet she was funny as hell, fun as hell, charismatic as hell, warm and friendly. And she didn't harshly judge other people's issues. The way she owned up to her insecurities (even as she was working on them) just put me at ease. I knew she didn't shame herself. I knew I could count on her in a crisis. 

By owning all her stuff publicly, she took away the fear of people talking about her and her condition. Her confident openness, maybe confident humility, meant if someone came up to her and said, "I heard you're really insecure," she would just say, "Oh God, yes, I'm so insecure." And she would say this with a smile. No self loathing. Somewhere in her she knew she was OK despite her flaws. I learned a lot from.

So a good step for you is to own your condition,, to know you are a wonderful human being even with the condition. And yes, you want to get aggressive treatment for the condition, but you don't think of yourself as defective while the condition is still active. 

BTW: a huge, shockingly high number of young women have an eating disorder or has had an eating disorder at some point in their lives.  I work with young people and I know this because a lot of them own up to having (or having had) an eating disorder, especially bulimia--but also a lot of anorexia. The dieting culture that young women get into (from the cultural pressure to be thin) makes it really easy to slide off into disordered eating and body rejection. 

 

 

 

 

[understand50]

Depends on the relationship. 

1) Early dating, not so much.  You are getting to know each other.  If it gets sexual,  your STD status is mandatory, I would think.

2) Later dating, becoming partners and exclusive, well you should give more.  Any information that may be needed.  Anything that would effect the relationship, assuming it is to be a casual, we are boy/girl friend and not getting married.  Remember, if one or the other needs to know something to feel safe in the relationship, you should give to the extent needed.  "I was cheated on, have you cheated in the past", I got kids, so and so on.

3) Marriage, At this point, you need to totally honest on most things.  I would say the biggest are as follows:

        a) Financial status and history.

        b) Legal history.  If you have had run in with the Law, or gone to jail/prison , do not hide.

        c) Past marriages and long term relationship, any kids? Ex spouses?  WHO WHAT WHERE.

        d) Your health history.  Any cancer, or other condition you deal with.

        e) Your sexual history.  Be up front, especially, if you are more "experienced", or they are seeking, or made it clear that they are looking for someone not so "experienced".  IE a religious person, who would really feel betrayed later if anything came out.  Let your spouse or soon to be spouse decide what they need.  May be just a number, maybe some context.  If you were a swinger for a summer, probably should tell.  Can't remember all the people you slept with during collage, be up front.  Point is let them know enough that they feel that you are not keeping or will keep secrets .  This will be different for each couple. Some, no big deal, others more so.  lastly, if you were sexually assaulted, let them know.  Not that this shameful for you, but for some it does effect their sex life, and better to head off issues then have them feaster.  Your new spouse loves you and does not want to cause you pain, but they need to know what is going on.

       f)  Anything else that may effect the marriage.  This being the times, did you do porn?  Are the any images on the internet that may cause issues?   Extreme,  but a sign of the times.  Point is, get in front of any issues early.

Look, I would not want you to believe, that your past will keep you from finding someone for a loving relationship.  Relationship come in all types and sizes, and some work and other fall apart.  Honesty is part of the glue that keeps couples together.  Knowing my wife has the courage to be honest about her past, before us, and I to her, lets us  both  know we will be honest about our future.  Things are easier to deal with when love is young.  At least in my opinion.  If you are looking to marry someone, and they cannot take your past, it is best to have it end early, as it will surly  end later and at a much greater cost.

My two cents.

 

[JTSW]

On 5/19/2023 at 7:52 PM, justaskingok said:

I don't think you can trust anyone completely. I've seen married people who were together since teenagers hate eachother in the end and air out eachothers secrets. People can change to trust worthy people to nasty petty ones. You may feel like you can trust them but theres always a risk they can change on you. That's just humans in general not just men. 

 

So you're basing this off some marriages that you know that have ended badly?

If you don't take a chance on someone then you will be alone all your life.

You need to start looking at things more positively rather than completely negatively.

What about the good marriages? Where couples love and respect each other for the rest of their lives?

I'm in a good marriage with a wonderful husband.

We've been together a very long time and have so much love and respect.

You will never have any kind of relationship if you are dead set on never trusting anyone.

 

[Kassieee]

8 hours ago, JTSW said:

So you're basing this off some marriages that you know that have ended badly?

If you don't take a chance on someone then you will be alone all your life.

You need to start looking at things more positively rather than completely negatively.

What about the good marriages? Where couples love and respect each other for the rest of their lives?

I'm in a good marriage with a wonderful husband.

We've been together a very long time and have so much love and respect.

You will never have any kind of relationship if you are dead set on never trusting anyone.

 

That sounds like a dream, not having a man after reading here what you have to do, and shouldnt do to have a healthy relationship. It's a lot of work, a lot of explaining, and rules. It feels weird, its not me. I do trust people to a certain extent I'm just aware people can change.

[JTSW]

15 hours ago, justaskingok said:

t's a lot of work, a lot of explaining, and rules. It feels weird, its not me. I do trust people to a certain extent I'm just aware people can change.

Not everyone is like that.

My husband certainly hasn't changed in the 20 plus years I've been with him.

It's only allot of work if they are not right for you.

When you find the one for you, it comes easy. 

You will feel comfortable in every aspect with them.

[mortensorchid]

You should have a certain level of mystery about you to others.  I do it because it keeps others out of my business and they can't use things against me (I have said this many, many times and will stand by it).  Don't believe me?  Try being more flamboyant and see how others treat you.  

This includes with your SO, but that can be more difficult especially if you are living / working together.  How to be more mysterious then?  Don't go off about anyone and everything to them, keep really significant things on the downlow (ex. The eating disorder - say to them "I had a real problem with food and my relationship with it, but I am better now after treatment" and that's the end of it), don't let little things bother you, be tolerant, and laugh as much as you can with and at each other. 

[NuevoYorko]

On 5/19/2023 at 1:16 AM, justaskingok said:

Even if it doesn't effect them in anyway?

An active eating disorder absolutely will affect a person's partner.  Surely you know this.

If you have an active, or even resolved eating disorder, addiction, or serious health concerns (physical and / or mental) yes, you owe it to a potential partner to allow them to choose whether they want this situation in their lives.   I also think that serious issues that a person has had in their lives, especially that were under their own control (like cheating on a spouse,  bankruptcy, incarceration, multiple divorces) should be revealed to potential serious partners.

These are not things that need to be disclosed in early dating but once things appear to be heading in a serious direction,  yes.  

I am a person with a couple of very serious issues in my past which I did tell my partner, so I practiced what I preach.   It would have been devastating if she'd chosen to move on from me because of these things but frankly, I can understand why they could scare a more "normal" person off. 

Also, and probably most importantly, the things are an intrinsic part of who we are.   A person we love and who we want to love us needs to know and include these parts in that love.

[basil67]

On 5/23/2023 at 3:04 AM, justaskingok said:

That sounds like a dream, not having a man after reading here what you have to do, and shouldnt do to have a healthy relationship. It's a lot of work, a lot of explaining, and rules. It feels weird, its not me. I do trust people to a certain extent I'm just aware people can change.

Yeah, a lot of people have a lot of opinions and rules but I've always ignored them.  I've been a rule breaker from years back.   When I got together with my partner, we broke pretty much every rule there is and it's worked fine for us. (I'm also the woman who proposed to her partner)

Regarding people changing, when I left my first husband, he said to the therapist that I'd changed.  And the therapist replied that everyone changes.  Sure, there are some traits which may stay the same...such as a general attitude to life, but if we didn't learn and grow we'd still be behaving like silly teens!  I'm in my mid 50's and so glad to no longer be like how I was in my late teens and early 20's 

[Kassieee]

4 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Yeah, a lot of people have a lot of opinions and rules but I've always ignored them.  I've been a rule breaker from years back.   When I got together with my partner, we broke pretty much every rule there is and it's worked fine for us. (I'm also the woman who proposed to her partner)

Regarding people changing, when I left my first husband, he said to the therapist that I'd changed.  And the therapist replied that everyone changes.  Sure, there are some traits which may stay the same...such as a general attitude to life, but if we didn't learn and grow we'd still be behaving like silly teens!  I'm in my mid 50's and so glad to no longer be like how I was in my late teens and early 20's 

Exactly. People can change, it's naive to think otherwise i dont need a therapist to tell me that. Youre really risking it all if you share youre darkest secrets.

[basil67]

2 minutes ago, justaskingok said:

Exactly. People can change, it's naive to think otherwise i dont need a therapist to tell me that. Youre really risking it all if you share youre darkest secrets.

If the only way to keep a partner is to hide yourself, then it's not a relationship worth having.

[basil67]

Also, if you withhold information from a partner, you're taking away their agency to make good decisions for themselves.  

[Kassieee]

Just now, basil67 said:

If the only way to keep a partner is to hide yourself, then it's not a relationship worth having.

Imagine telling someone you have an eating disorder, and everytime you have dinner with them, they are judging you. It's added on anxiety.

I'm already an overthinker by nature...I don't need added stress.