do you think it's ok to have secrets in your relationship?

[Kassieee]

Do you think you have to share every aspect of yourself? I'd imagine more so in a marriage, but even that, is it OK to keep somethings to yourself? 

For example, if you have an eating disorder, is that something the person you're in a relationship should know about? 

keep in mind, whatever it is, it doesn't affect them directly. 

 

[JTSW]

I think a partner should know about any health issues in their partner.

Just so they know that if anything happens they could help.

[FMW]

A real relationship, not just dating, requires a certain level of sharing.  The example you gave WILL affect them in some way if you are in a close relationship.  

[Alpacalia]

You'll have to come clean at some point. It is not possible to hide huge parts of yourself from your significant other and expect it to work long-term.

Edited May 19, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Kassieee]

15 minutes ago, FMW said:

A real relationship, not just dating, requires a certain level of sharing.  The example you gave WILL affect them in some way if you are in a close relationship.  

When things start to get serious, like marriage talk, do you think that's the best time to share it? Or that's too far in?

What if you're just dating someone, you share personal struggles....and then you just end up breaking up, now they tell other people your business, and it makes you uncomfortable. You don't want just anyone knowing your business.

 

Edited May 19, 2023 by justaskingok

[Kassieee]

9 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

You'll have to come clean at some point. It won't work long-term to hide huge parts of yourself from your significant other.

Even if it doesn't effect them in anyway?

[Wiseman2]

28 minutes ago, justaskingok said:

, if you have an eating disorder, is that something the person you're in a relationship should know about? 

Do you have an eating disorder? Secrecy tends to be part of addictions and compulsive behaviors. 

It doesn't matter if it "affects them directly", because it may be a red flag or deal breaker in itself. 

Try to be true to yourself. Relationships shouldn't be about TMI, but hiding serious mental or physical health problems isn't a good approach.

[Alpacalia]

11 minutes ago, justaskingok said:

Even if it doesn't effect them in anyway?

In my limited understanding of eating disorders, I think it's pretty safe to say that an eating disorder will take precedence over any relationship, regardless of how important the relationship is.

The only way I would tell him is if you trust him completely and tell him how your mind works with your ED. It's an illness. He wouldn’t break up with you if you had cancer so hopefully he will see ED the same way.

[Kassieee]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do you have an eating disorder? Secrecy tends to be part of addictions and compulsive behaviors. 

It doesn't matter if it "affects them directly", because it may be a red flag or deal breaker in itself. 

Try to be true to yourself. Relationships shouldn't be about TMI, but hiding serious mental or physical health problems isn't a good approach.

Why would it be a deal breaker? I've had this disorder since 2015, it has never affected anyone else. or affected any of my relationships.

Then how early should you tell them? Right off the bat? 

 

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, justaskingok said:

 I've had this disorder since 2015, it has never affected anyone else. or affected any of my relationships.

As long as you are getting the help you need and are trying to address the situation that's great.  However anything that affects you, obviously affects the relationship whether you're secretive about it or not.

Unfortunately many people with addictions and compulsive behaviors are in denial and secretive about it and believe that their secretive behavior is under control and doesn't impact anyone. For example problem drinkers and gamblers often think no one notices the issues.

Please follow up on your healthcare and discuss the secrecy aspect with your therapist. That's the only way to get a clear read on when,, where and how to open up about it in the context of dating and relationships.

Edited May 19, 2023 by Wiseman2

[JTSW]

9 minutes ago, justaskingok said:

Then how early should you tell them?

Personally I don't think you should hide health issues from a partner.

[Kassieee]

18 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

In my limited understanding of eating disorders, I think it's pretty safe to say that an eating disorder will take precedence over any relationship, regardless of how important the relationship is.

The only way I would tell him is if you trust him completely and tell him how your mind works with your ED. It's an illness. He wouldn’t break up with you if you had cancer so hopefully he will see ED the same way.

I wouldn't trust telling anyone unless I have a ring on my finger even then people can switch up on you and announce your business. But then you're marrying someone who doesn't know who you truly are 100 percent and that's not fair to them.

[JTSW]

41 minutes ago, justaskingok said:

What if you're just dating someone, you share personal struggles....and then you just end up breaking up, now they tell other people your business

 

4 minutes ago, justaskingok said:

I wouldn't trust telling anyone unless I have a ring on my finger even then people can switch up on you and announce your business.

Sounds like someone has done this to you before.

If you have trust in a relationship then you have to be honest with them.

[Kassieee]

1 minute ago, JTSW said:

Personally I don't think you should hide health issues from a partner.

How soon should they know then?

[JTSW]

1 minute ago, justaskingok said:

How soon should they know then?

From the start so they can understand.

[Kassieee]

1 minute ago, JTSW said:

From the start so they can understand.

But isn't trust earned? How can you know to trust someone so early on?

I grew up where you don't talk about your problems, you dont complain, you deal with it yourself, dust off your shoulders and move on. 

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, justaskingok said:

, you deal with it yourself, 

If you are in denial and secretive about a serious mental or physical health issues, you're not dealing with it. A secret, for example, a stupid thing someone did as a kid is one thing, however an ongoing under-treated serious health problem is another.

Edited May 19, 2023 by Wiseman2

[JTSW]

5 minutes ago, justaskingok said:

But isn't trust earned? How can you know to trust someone so early on?

I grew up where you don't talk about your problems, you dont complain, you deal with it yourself, dust off your shoulders and move on. 

Everyone is different and prefer to do things their own way.

My opinion is that I would be honest early on about any health issues.

[Alpacalia]

8 minutes ago, justaskingok said:

I wouldn't trust telling anyone unless I have a ring on my finger even then people can switch up on you and announce your business. But then you're marrying someone who doesn't know who you truly are 100 percent and that's not fair to them.

It is okay to disclose to certain people and not to others.

Disclosure of eating disorders, or any other illness or condition, is up to you.

As with any difficult piece of your history, it’s a judgment call decided by your feeling of trust. 

Picking wisely who you let into your life when you have an ED isn't just good advice, it's a decision you need to make for your health as well. You're essentially sharing a trauma story with someone, which typically involves strong relationship boundaries as well as open, honest communication in order to mitigate the risk of re-traumatization and trauma-bonding.

What’s most important is getting healthy with yourself first. 

[Kassieee]

23 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

If you are in denial and secretive about a serious mental or physical health issues, you're not dealing with it. A secret, for example, a stupid thing someone did as a kid is one thing, however an ongoing under-treated serious health problem is another.

I'm wondering what a guy truly thinks being told something like this. Probably thinks it's pathetic and it's for vanity reasons. Probably would brush it off as being a stupid girl.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, justaskingok said:

I wouldn't trust telling anyone unless I have a ring on my finger 

I don't think this is a good strategy. Many men would be much more accepting of someone who is struggling with an issue and sincere.

But I can't imagine many men would overlook deception in order to get a commitment. It would be impossible to trust anyone like that.

Be yourself and be sincere. You'll have a much better chance of attracting the right type of man for you.

[JTSW]

44 minutes ago, justaskingok said:

I'm wondering what a guy truly thinks being told something like this. Probably thinks it's pathetic and it's for vanity reasons. Probably would brush it off as being a stupid girl.

You seem to have a bad image of men in general.

There are men out there that are very understanding.

Honestly I don't think any guy would find it pathetic or stupid.

[basil67]

2 hours ago, justaskingok said:

Even if it doesn't affect them?

Keeping secrets does affect our partner. If I got to the point of getting engaged and then they dumped a big secret on me, it’s wonder what else they hadn’t disclosed. I’d be rethinking the whole arrangement.

Further, if the eating disorder is of any significance and the guy has some degree of awareness of others, he will know that something is wrong.  If he knows what that something is, he will worry for your health.  If he doesn’t know what it is, he will worry that he doesn’t have the full story. Either way, it will affect him

 

[Alpacalia]

OP I dated someone that had something they struggled with tell me a few months into our relationship. I was taken aback at first, but then I felt closer to them for being so open and honest about it. I did my best to support them and learn more about what they were going through. We ended up having a stronger relationship because of it.

People often don't reveal their struggles until they feel comfortable and trust the other person, which can take time.

Waiting until you're engaged, of course not.

But I also wouldn't disclose something overly personal to someone on the first date. Then again, that's just me.

Everyone has different thresholds for how much they share personal information. Some people may feel comfortable discussing certain topics on the first date, while others may wait until they've gone on multiple dates and feel a sense of trust and security with the other person.

Anyway, I hope you find the answer you're looking for. 

[stillafool]

3 hours ago, justaskingok said:

Why would it be a deal breaker? I've had this disorder since 2015, it has never affected anyone else. or affected any of my relationships.

Then how early should you tell them? Right off the bat? 

 

It might be a deal breaker if they plan to marry you because they may want children and pregnancy might end up being a problem for you because of weight gain.  They may worry about the health of their baby and if it's going to get the nourishment it needs to be healthy.