How do I help him get over his ex so he'll want to be with ME?

[dreaming4ever]

I met this guy through a friend that I've been talking to on msn for about 4 months now....we've only chatted a bunch of times here and there amongst our busy lives. Well, now that I recently became single from a short relationship that didn't really work out, we decided it would be cool if we could finally meet. Of course the fact that he is completely GORGEOUS in his pictures kind of helped but that's besides the point....the only reason he can't get girls is cuz he's super shy so he can't approach them, but I am really shy too so that kinda works out for us. The fact that we're both really shy makes us feel more comfortable if that makes sense.

 

Anyways, last Friday was my birthday and he knew I had to work so to be nice and fun, we decided he would come to my work on my birthday so we could meet for the first time on my break and he would give me a birthday kiss. So, anyways, to make a long story short, we talked and made out and it was nothing short of amazing for both of us. I believe he said WOW several times and he kept saying I have such soft lips and that his heart was beating a mile a minute....lol....he's DAMN sexy too (and he said the same of me).

 

Anyways, the problem is that he's so torn right now. 6 months ago his girlfriend of 5 years broke up with him and he's had a hellish time trying to get over her. He told me he decided a couple of months ago that he HAS to move on with his life, especially since she is with someone new and isn't coming back to him. So, after we met, we set up a date and decided to take things slow and he was excited saying he REALLY likes me....but now he totally bailed on me. He said he's too scared because kissing me brought up a lot of emotions/feelings he hasn't had in a long time and he wants to be with me but he also can't help but admit that a part of him is waiting for his ex to call him and want to be with him again. He said he's not ready.....yet he spent so long the day before telling me he is....and that he knows he could never go back with her.

 

The problem is I REALLY like this guy.....so how can I help him heal from this girl so that we can have a chance? He said he absolutely loved kissing me but he's afraid now about relationships and he wants to be with me but he's still messed up.....any suggestions? What should I say/do? He's not just blowing me off either, he told me that he definitely wants me in his life and he's a super sweet, intelligent guy and wouldn't say that if it wasn't the truth....soooooooooo what do i do so that we can live happily ever after? Or at least try to?

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

Just be there for him. You can't force it. There is no way to "help" other than being supportive.

[johan]

I know how he feels. I went on a date this last weekend for the first time since wrapping up my last 3.5 year relationship. I liked the girl a lot, although I don't think I want anything serious with her. But being with her brought up a lot of feelings. It's kind of backwards, but things don't really feel final just because the other person moves on. Things begin to really feel final when you move on yourself. That's the last part of the pain that was hiding and has to be dealt with.

 

There's a chance that he won't be back with you. There's a chance that getting together with you cured his excitement for you. But I doubt it. More likely he's just needing some time and you'll just have to wait for him to make the next move. I'd recommend leaving it all up to him. If he digs you, then he'll be pursuing you again soon.

[dreaming4ever]

So, the solution is just to wait and be his friend? Can't I help convince him he doesn't need her and she didn't deserve him or something?

[ReluctantRomeo]

So, the solution is just to wait and be his friend?

 

Yes. Be careful not to be his rebound.

 

 

Can't I help convince him he doesn't need her and she didn't deserve him or something?

 

Not as such. You can listen and be sympathetic as he gets her out of his system. There's a happy medium in this - not talking about her = bottling it up, but too much talking = dwelling on his hurt and nurturing it. So try to give some sympathy first, then a "hey, now let's go have a little fun".

 

And remember your needs too - meeting your needs will probably be good therapy for him.

[glittergurl]

I was in the same situation when I met my husband. It was pretty painful, and I couldn't take it. One day I got so mad and cried, I told him not to call me until he decides to move on and focus on me only. Well, two days later he called, he apologized and said he realized that hurting me was even more painful than whatever had happened in the past. He said he wanted to be with me; we got together, and the rest is history

 

I basically tried to make him realize that he could either stay alone and cry about her and wait like an idiot for her; when it was obvious she'd never come back. Or move on, be with me, and have a happy life.

 

Now, this worked for me; but I'm not sure I'd advise it to everybody. I do realize it was a bit of a gamble, and he could have just never called back. You know him better than any of us, so just try to imagine his reactions in different situations. Then go for the one that seems to have the best chances.

[Walk]

Glittergurl has a good point. But don't try that right away. You two just met face to face, right? Give it time.

 

It sounds like he'll want to hang out with you again. Make if fun, keep it light, let him talk about the ex some, but as was said earlier don't let him dwell on it completely. Show him that he is a wonderful person, and that you desire him, but don't force it. It's a confusing time for him. Be patient, and as understanding as you can be.

 

Don't force it right now though. He doesn't know you well enough, and you don't have enough time together to be making demands that he just "get over" the other girl. It's not that simple. Read the steps of grief and healing. It's a lot like that.

 

You will do wonders for him, and he will be grateful, just for your support and understanding. That's the best thing you can do for him right now. I've been there, I know.