No same-sex friends = red flag in dating?

[Giovane]

So this came up in a different topic, which I didn't want to hijack, but I'm still thinking about it, so I'll ask the question here:

1. Is it a "red flag" in dating when a person has few or no same-sex friends? (i.e. men who are mostly friends with women or women who are mostly friends with men) If so, why? What's the problem with that?

2. If you consider it a problem, what would your advice be for people with no same-sex friends? What do you think is the underlying problem? Is it "curable"? What do you think these people should do?

Edited May 16, 2023 by Giovane

[Alpacalia]

It's not the absence of same-sex friendships that is a red flag. It's why there are no same-sex friends. It could be for a variety of reasons, but if it's due to a lack of trust, or a fear of intimacy, then that could signal a potential problem in a relationship.

EVERYONE has something that another might perceive as a red flag. A partner's excessive drinking might be a serious issue for one person, while it may be less significant for another. Everyone has something that could be considered a "red flag" by someone else.

You need to remember that your red flags might not be the same as someone else's, so make sure you consider how important the issue is to you before making any decisions. The truth is that someone will appreciate someone for exactly who they are, warts and all.

Warts and all? Don't worry, everyone has warts! What really matters is who loves you despite your wart-y flaws.

[ShyViolet]

If I met a man who has several female friends but no male friends, yes I would think that's a bit problematic and I would be wary.  But I wouldn't automatically rule out such a person.  I think I'd give it a chance as long as everything else seems ok.

[mark clemson]

Hypothetically, I wouldn't consider a huge problem just on it's own. It would be one part of the larger picture of "who the person is". There might be an "underlying problem" such as an issue with their personality, but maybe not. Some people simply don't see the need for many friends, and it's not necessarily inherently pathological or anything.

Making friends can be tough as an adult, as people tend to be busy and often have higher priorities than "friendship" in and of itself. Kids, jobs, etc...

I've found that people often DO make time for their favorite hobbies. My advice for people looking for friends would be to seek out common interests (whatever they might be) e.g. via hobbies, interest groups, Meetups, or even volunteer or professional orgs.

Some people have a great need to be social and might see others who don't as "wrong" but that's actually not the case. However, it might be an important compatibility factor for some folks - e.g. they want someone who'll go out and socialize with them, instead of staying home while they go out.

There are also those who for whatever reasons are simply looking to "disqualify" people from their dating pool and might hit upon this as a "reason".

SOME of those folks have a problem in their dating styles/personality as well. SOME are actually not very good partners, but they prefer to hide behind finding faults in others (and so disqualify them) rather than try to address their own issues that keep them from forming strong relationships. So they have excessively long lists of qualifications and deal-breakers and so forth. "It can't be me that's the problem."

Edited May 16, 2023 by mark clemson

[Alpacalia]

Yes, indeed. And sometimes we have our own deal breakers because we might have dated someone that say, wears blue hats all the time and they turned out to be psycho killers so we form these preconceived notions about certain types of people based on our past experiences, and we end up creating a mental checklist of deal breakers that we look for in potential partners.

[Ami1uwant]

7 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

If I met a man who has several female friends but no male friends, yes I would think that's a bit problematic and I would be wary.  But I wouldn't automatically rule out such a person.  I think I'd give it a chance as long as everything else seems ok.

There are other factors in play ……career choices. A man could be working in a heavy female field this have more female friends. Where they chose to live it might skew to single parents living there thus more females a man might interact with.

 

With some personalities they might not make friends all that easily.  They might have a group of friends back at home town or scattered around the country they met while in college….thry communicate thru texting/ social media and might get together 1-3 times a year.

[Els]

It depends on the reason. Personally, while I do have some female friends, I work in a heavily male-dominated field and most of my hobbies are similar, so it's natural that I will have more male friends, just due to the fact that people typically make friends via work/hobbies.

So no, I would have no issues with a guy who, for instance, works in nursing or childhood education, or is part of the local foodie scene, and therefore has more female friends. But if he was going out of his way to talk to women while ignoring men (we all know at least one desperate single guy who behaves that way...), that would be a red flag.

In the same vein, I'd recommend that dudes be very wary about women who say that they don't have any female friends because [insert negative generalization about women here]. A person who buys in to negative tropes about their own gender to THAT extent is likely to be extremely insecure, constantly dependent on external validation, and is also likely to keep a train of orbiters around them for that reason.

Edited May 17, 2023 by Els

[Alvi]

You have to look at the whole picture to make a diagnosis, not just at one thing. Anything and everything could be viewed as a dealbreaker when it comes to dating. But what if you meet a next person with a whole different set of what you might consider to be a red flag?  They may not have friends of the opposite sex but they might smoke or have young kids for example.

[suckered]

I was dating a guy who had almost all female friends and he works in a heavily male field and his hobbies are similarly male dominated. So he seemed to go out of his way to make female friends. I did give him benefit of the doubt initially. But then when I met most of them, I didn't like the vibe, one was touching him and was all over him. I also asked her how did they meet, and she said that he used to work with her ex-husband and they met though him. Now, the guy I was seeing didn't stay in touch with his co-worker ex H but was besties with his attractive now ex wife. That really rubbed me off the wrong way.

In general, I found him to be attention seeker and enjoyed flirting and external validation. He didn't get it from other men.

So yeah, I would find out more but be wary.

[smackie9]

Different strokes for different folks. Some don't see it as an issue some do. Curable/fixable is a stupid waste of time. You enter a relationship because of compatibility, not what you feel should or need to change with them to meet your expectations.

Me I like a man's man because I'm a tomboy. I like masculine things, have masculine hobbies. You won't see me dating a guy that likes to shop for clothes, and drinks white wine with his lady friends. ewwww.

[NuevoYorko]

I will say that when women say that they don't like other women and get along better with men, I take that as a red flag.  I have never had a positive experience with a woman who presented herself that way.