Caught on date by exes roommate

[Lifegoeson12]

Hey Ladies and gentlemen.

I have a slight predicament and I don't know what to do.  I am probably the happiest I have ever been at the moment. About 3 weeks ago I went to Spain and did the Camino de Santiago. I spent 2 weeks walking across Spain with nothing but my thoughts for company. 

It was one of the most soulful things I think I have ever done and I would highly recommend it to anyone who needs to reconnect with themselves. It really allowed me to delve into who I am as a person and how I can do more to become an even better version of myself. 

Since finishing it and returning home back to the 9 to 5 etc I am still very content and happy with life and have become a hell of a lot more confident. 

So I went on a date on Friday, nice guy. Not sure if anything will come from it but I had a nice time and enjoyed myself. We had a few drinks in a bar before moving on to another bar. Cut to about 1 hour into the second bar I get a phone call from my exes roommate saying he saw me and that I looked different and he wanted to come join me and my date to say hello. 

Now I like my exes' roommate, not in a romantic way. More like a brother.  he's a very nice guy and If we had bumped into him I would have of course said hi. However, I didn't see him but he saw me and then called and asked to join to which I did kindly say maybe another time. 

I am curious to get people's thoughts on this. 

Why would an exes roommate want to join me while on a date? I couldn't imagine my friends ever doing that.  Also, why would he say I look different? 

[Giovane]

We have no way of knowing either.

Did your ex's roommate realize you were on a date, or did he maybe think the other guy was just a friend of yours or something like that?

Whatever it is, you certainly reacted well by turning him down at that moment.

[Gaeta]

He just wanted to come over and say hello, l see nothing wrong with that. 

I would see it positively if someone stopped by our table to say hi to my date, it would give me the opportunity to observe his social skills.

Once i was on a 1st date and my adult daughter entered the same coffee shop! She came over the table, l introduced her, we had a good laugh! What are the odds of crossing your child while on a date. 

Don't be too uptight.

[introverted1]

Maybe the roommate wanted to say hello but also wanted to check with you in the event that you were not open to being interrupted at that moment.  Not sure this bears a lot more reading into.

[mark clemson]

1 hour ago, Lifegoeson12 said:

Why would an exes roommate want to join me while on a date? I couldn't imagine my friends ever doing that.  Also, why would he say I look different? 

Sounds like an "orbiter" who harbors romantic feelings while they aren't reciprocated by the other person, instead of moving on.

They sometimes find ways to thrown a wrench in things when potential for a new relationship is developing for their romantic interest.

From his perspective, he may be finding courage or what have you to connect with you in fear of losing the opportunity to be with you. HOWEVER, from your perspective you're not interested. So that's that.

Next time something like this happens, just tell him you can catch up with him sometime when you're not busy on a date.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Lifegoeson12 said:

  I get a phone call from my exes roommate saying he saw me and that I looked different and he wanted to come join me and my date to say hello.

It's great you are moving on. It's a little creepy and stalker-like for the roommate to do this.

Even if he seemed like a nice guy, this is why it's best to delete and block someone and All there people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

It's good you declined and focused on your date. Hopefully taking a call from an ex's friend during the date didn't put him off. 

Edited May 15, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Lotsgoingon]

He should have just come over and said hello to you, period. You exchange a few words, maybe you introduce the two people. He wishes you well and goes back to his table. 

The call was weird. Really cool move to tell him to talk to you later. Good job!

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, Lifegoeson12 said:

I get a phone call from my exes roommate

Why did you take this call?

I would have silenced my phone and keep my focus on my date. I certainly wouldn't have taken a call from an ex's roommate right then and there. 

Edited May 15, 2023 by ExpatInItaly

[semble]

36 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Why did you take this call?

I would have silenced my phone and keep my focus on my date. I certainly wouldn't have taken a call from an ex's roommate right then and there. 

^^This. I'm surprised the other responders glossed over it.

It's rude and offputting to do that, hope you can see that now.

 

[Gaeta]

Did he call during the date?

He said to her *he saw her* not *he is seeing her*. 

[shellzbellz83]

Add me to the list of those wondering why you took the call in the first place. But as for your questions, he told you why he was looking to stop by -- to say hello. I suppose he said you looked different because you... did somehow? Only he could answer that.

I don't think there's any deep hidden meaning here, and I would not take it as a sign of anything regarding your ex. Keep moving forward.

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Did he call during the date?

I believe so, because he also said this:

12 hours ago, Lifegoeson12 said:

he wanted to come join me and my date to say hello

She also said it was one hour into the second bar with her date. To me, that sounds like she took the call while she was with her date. OP, can you clairfy? 

[Lifegoeson12]

11 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Why did you take this call?

I would have silenced my phone and keep my focus on my date. I certainly wouldn't have taken a call from an ex's roommate right then and there. 

I didn’t recognise the number. I’ve never given his roommate my number. 
 

Also my date went out for a cigarette when he called so, I answered and then kindly declined the offer of him wanting to join us. My date was outside the entire time I was on the phone. 
 

I said I liked his roommate, which I do. Just not romantically plus I always thought he was gay. If I saw him on a street I’d say hello and ask how they are etc but I haven’t spoken to him or my ex in months so I was just thrown when he rang me. 
 

After I got the call I suggested to my date we go to another bar where we could talk better to which we did. We went to another bar before heading home. The reason I suggested we leave was for fear of him showing up or telling my ex where we were and then my ex showing up randomly if you get me. 

[Lifegoeson12]

10 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Did he call during the date?

He said to her *he saw her* not *he is seeing her*. 

Yes he said he saw me in the bar with a guy and that he wanted to come and say hello. 
 

I took that as he must’ve been walking by and  saw me and then decided to ring to see if he could come and say hello which is why I suggested to my date after the call we go to another bar for a night cap before finishing the date. 
 

The only reason I thought the whole thing was odd was I haven’t seen or spoken to the roommate in months. If he had texted me being like let’s me for a coffee or something It would be a different situation but I haven’t spoken to him in months and then he sees me on a date and all of a sudden wants to say hello knowing I’m on a date. I just thought it was odd.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Lifegoeson12 said:

 my date went out for a cigarette when he called so,. My date was outside the entire time I was on the phone.  We went to another bar before heading home. The reason I suggested we leave was for fear of him showing up .

You made the right decision not burdening your date with this and leaving the bar. However you need to delete and block your ex and ALL his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. There's no reason to stay friends with his friends to the point that they're stalking you.

[introverted1]

Is this the roommate of the ex you talked about here:

If so, just move on and stop wasting energy wondering about what he's doing (or not doing).  It's a waste of time.

[stillafool]

3 hours ago, Lifegoeson12 said:

The only reason I thought the whole thing was odd was I haven’t seen or spoken to the roommate in months. If he had texted me being like let’s me for a coffee or something It would be a different situation but I haven’t spoken to him in months and then he sees me on a date and all of a sudden wants to say hello knowing I’m on a date. I just thought it was odd.

It really isn't that odd.  He was either at the bar and saw you two or may have walked by and saw you.  If he just wanted to say hello it wasn't a big deal and at least he asked you first.  Most people would have just dropped by your table and said hello so it was rather polite that he called to ask you first.

 

3 hours ago, Lifegoeson12 said:

If he had texted me being like let’s me for a coffee or something It would be a different situation but I haven’t spoken to him in months and then he sees me on a date and all of a sudden wants to say hello knowing I’m on a date. I just thought it was odd.

No it's not odd at all for him to see you out and want to say hello.  You probably do look different to him after months of not seeing you.  It would be odd if he called you up to go for coffee since you're the ex of his roommate. Why?

[Alpacalia]

Were you anticipating a run-in with your ex or hoping he'd see you moving on from him?

Not too long ago, you posted that you were checking your social media and saw that your ex was viewing your stories and wanting to know what it means.

I'm wondering if you still have some unresolved feelings for your ex and are hoping (or looking) for signs that he may still have feelings for you?

Setting limits and boundaries is a good way to ensure that the ex's roommate respects your personal space.

 

 

 

[Gaeta]

3 hours ago, Lifegoeson12 said:

Yes he said he saw me in the bar with a guy and that he wanted to come and say hello. 

I took that as he must’ve been walking by and  saw me and then decided to ring to see if he could come and say hello which is why I suggested to my date after the call we go to another bar for a night cap before finishing the date. 

The only reason I thought the whole thing was odd was I haven’t seen or spoken to the roommate in months. If he had texted me being like let’s me for a coffee or something It would be a different situation but I haven’t spoken to him in months and then he sees me on a date and all of a sudden wants to say hello knowing I’m on a date. I just thought it was odd.

Then this is beyond weird and you should block him.

Will you see your date again?

 

[Englishmaninus]

First time posting here  

Just for reference I am a single gay 32yr man  

I had a date with a guy over the weekend. We met on Grindr, then matched on Tinder and bumble. We joked it was meant to be that we met. Originally he wanted to meet for fun. But I explained that wasn't how I rolled and I would rather meet someone first before deciding if I wanted to sleep with them.

Anyway we agreed to meet for some drinks over the weekend. I met him he seemed nice and a little nervous. The date lasted about 3 hours or just over. Seemed to go well as he suggested we have one more drink before finishing up and going home. To our own homes not together lol. I texted him after but I heard nothing back, it was a joke about us bringing our jackets even though it wasn't forecast to rain it did when we where leaving so I texted I bet you're happy you brought your jacket now. 

I was ignored, let on read on WhatsApp and no reply. He blocked me on Grindr, but not tinder or WhatsApp and I thought that was weird. Why not block everywhere if you're going to block. Why just do it on one app. It makes no sense. 

I thought we had a nice date, I wasn't heavily invested in the guy anyway but just thought surely if he had such a nice time he wouldn't have asked for one more drink? and the same with my text surely him not replying sent a message. I thought he might've been more mature if he wasn't interested and sent a sorry I wasn't feeling it message or something like that but no. Ghosted on those two apps and blocked on another. 

My father had stage four cancer about a year ago so I moved back home to help out with bills, care etc and even though I work full time I wonder is me moving back home an issue for men? I am worried It might put them off but I was and am able to help around the house, and because I am not paying mad money for rent ( I chip in at home) I am able to save towards buying a house which I hope to do in the next year but again is this putting dates off and is this something that might have put the above guy off and caused him to block me? The reason I am worried about it, is he asked who I lived with and I didn't want to lie to him. 

I was in a relationship for a few years and I am single just over a year and a bit now and ready to mingle. Is the above what I can expect from the dating scene?  Am I doing something wrong? 

[Alpacalia]

The only thing I can think of is different priorities.

The initial intention for him was to meet "for fun," perhaps with an eye to a sexual outcome.

Be careful not to attribute all the reasons for the loss of interest to you to dissuade you (even though this is a pretty common reaction). It could be that there are other factors in play, such as his own expectations, his lifestyle, his career, or his family. Feedback is, of course, never a bad thing if you use it to reflect on your own goals and attitudes.

Some people may be put off by this information because it may appear to them that you are not as independent as you could be. That being said, it is understandable why you would choose to tell him the truth, and it is possible that this decision was not what caused him to block you. Everyone has different values and priorities, so it may be that he simply wasn't the right person for you.

Assisting your father, even if it hinders your future dating prospects, is a personal decision and reflects a great deal on your character, which is far more important than any short-term romantic prospects.

Maintain your goals and priorities by deciding what matters most to you.

[smackie9]

You didn't do anything wrong, it's just that he showed up with other intentions. He asked for another drink in hopes you would suggest going home together...that didn't happen so he moved on. He left the door open just a crack incase you might want to sleep with him sometime since you now have met. That's what I see. 

[Englishmaninus]

17 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

The only thing I can think of is different priorities.

The initial intention for him was to meet "for fun," perhaps with an eye to a sexual outcome.

Be careful not to attribute all the reasons for the loss of interest to you to dissuade you (even though this is a pretty common reaction). It could be that there are other factors in play, such as his own expectations, his lifestyle, his career, or his family. Feedback is, of course, never a bad thing if you use it to reflect on your own goals and attitudes.

Some people may be put off by this information because it may appear to them that you are not as independent as you could be. That being said, it is understandable why you would choose to tell him the truth, and it is possible that this decision was not what caused him to block you. Everyone has different values and priorities, so it may be that he simply wasn't the right person for you.

Assisting your father, even if it hinders your future dating prospects, is a personal decision and reflects a great deal on your character, which is far more important than any short-term romantic prospects.

Maintain your goals and priorities by deciding what matters most to you.

I should probably have specified "Fun" was sexual in his mind. He wanted to meet originally for sex but I wouldn't. So he pursued me and I explained that it wasn't sex that I was after and If he wanted to go on a date I would but that's all I was offering for the moment. 

Maybe he was put off by me helping out my family and living at home and it's something that worries me about future dates now. My fathers on the mend and doing well. The reason I haven't moved out just yet is the financial aspects is it allows me to save more towards a deposit for a home. I know many people who moved home when saving for a house so I never saw it as an issue but maybe I am wrong. 

[Englishmaninus]

15 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

You didn't do anything wrong, it's just that he showed up with other intentions. He asked for another drink in hopes you would suggest going home together...that didn't happen so he moved on. He left the door open just a crack incase you might want to sleep with him sometime since you now have met. That's what I see. 

Yeah I think you are right. I definitely wont be sleeping with him. Someone who doesn't even have the decency to reply to a message and say thanks that was fun, had a great time or even a simple I didn't feel the spark. Is not someone I would ever want to sleep with. 

[Alpacalia]

3 minutes ago, Englishmaninus said:

I should probably have specified "Fun" was sexual in his mind. He wanted to meet originally for sex but I wouldn't. So he pursued me and I explained that it wasn't sex that I was after and If he wanted to go on a date I would but that's all I was offering for the moment. 

Maybe he was put off by me helping out my family and living at home and it's something that worries me about future dates now. My fathers on the mend and doing well. The reason I haven't moved out just yet is the financial aspects is it allows me to save more towards a deposit for a home. I know many people who moved home when saving for a house so I never saw it as an issue but maybe I am wrong. 

That's right. His initial intention was "fun" (aka sex) and that's the outcome he was hoping for.

It reflects well on your character that you help your father, even if it hinders future romantic prospects, which is far more important than any short-term romantic prospects seeking "fun."