My (31M) newish partner (29F) suddenly needs space.

[DawgUK]

Ned advice

Been dating this girl for about 6 weeks now. We were never going to put a label on it anytime soon as we both agreed we didn’t want to rush that but due to bad experience with our last partners, but we are/were exclusive

 

But things have got pretty intense and romantic pretty quickly 

Just yesterday after spending a weekend together. We had a WhatsApp convo she said said she needs some space as she doesn’t want to [mess] it up basically and that she doesn’t want carry on “as we are” 

 I usually spend a couple of days at hers each week because I no longer live in the same town as her but am looking at moving back asap as that’s where my work and friends are.

 

She doesn’t want to see me for a couple of weeks but is open to keep chatting but needs a time out to “be selfish” so she doesn’t feel the need to bin it off entirely. Keeps calling it a reset.

 

I really don’t want to [mess] this up but also don’t want to carry on if getting hurt is inevitable. 

 

Any advice on how to salvage this?

Edited May 14, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[Wiseman2]

58 minutes ago, DawgUK said:

 I usually spend a couple of days at hers each week because I no longer live in the same town as her Any advice on how to salvage this?

Yes. All you need to do is step back and keep the tendency to smother under control. Don't camp out at her place the for days at a time. It's a bit too much too soon and she's pumping the brakes a bit and that's ok.  All you can do is step back and let her come to you.

[basil67]

No relationship issues ever got solved by taking a break, and in your shoes, I wouldn't agree to it.  I'd tell them that we discuss our needs together and try to find a solution together, or we end it.  

Thing is, putting you on ice like this is the kind of thing which causes bad relationship experiences.  Being selfish has no place in a functional relationship.  Please think about whether or not this is acceptable to you.

 

[Lotsgoingon]

I'm sorry: she got overloaded. That's really on her--we have to learn when we are past our tolerance point for being around person and we have to speak ask for time away or suggest cutting down the nights together.

So I don't think this is on you. Both of you sound wounded. When you are wounded, the answer is to go back and figure out where you missed the signs and clues that things weren’t going well. In my experience, there are always clues. Ironically one major clue that things aren’t going right is if you’re feeling anxious. Another clue is if you are working hard to please the other person. You really want a relationship where organically, without a lot of effort, you do kind things and good things for the other person. But you make sure you keep your own life going and you don’t cancel your life to do good things for the other person. And you don't do things for the other person at the expense of your normal life. 

In this very case, your gf (or ex) clearly was feeling anxious but didn’t know how to express that to you or to herself really. That's a skill by the way to really know how you feel--not just how you think you should feel. On the other hand, you can get better at reading when the other person isn’t that happy. Six weeks in, you guys should be wildly enthusiastic about each other. Anything less than that on either of your parts indicates a problem.  And you can’t overcome the problem by going to the movies or nice dinners or having sex. And three nights together sounds like a lot. 

Committing to exclusivity does not solve the problem of being wounded in the past. People can commit (just as this woman did) and they can withdraw their commitment any time (just as this woman did).

Sounds to me like neither of you understands dating and how to date in a way that is emotionally safe. The only way to protect yourself is to slowly and deeply get to know another person! And to pay attention to how you feel in your body!—not just in your head. And sometimes things don’t work out—that happens. You learn that too. But trying to protect against someone mistreating you—that never works. Frankly, you don’t want anyone to stay with you other than because they want to stay with you. So the entire premise of your relationship was flawed. 

Both of you need to take a break and doing some reading up on dating and maybe some therapy. I suggest you start by going to Mark Manson's site. He is excellent on relationships and on how to skillfully date in a way that raises the likelihood of a good relationship once you get going. 

 

[JTSW]

On 5/13/2023 at 12:33 PM, DawgUK said:

She doesn’t want to see me for a couple of weeks but is open to keep chatting but needs a time out to “be selfish” so she doesn’t feel the need to bin it off entirely.

Which means she met someone and wants to see if there's anything in it.

Keeping you on hand in case it doesn't work out.

[Wiseman2]

On 5/13/2023 at 7:33 AM, DawgUK said:

I usually spend a couple of days at hers each week because I no longer live in the same town as her but am looking at moving back asap as that’s where my work and friends are.

In a way, it makes sense to hold off until you actually move there. LDRs are difficult to get off the ground and maintain. She most likely doesn't want to be a BNB until you get settled there, so perhaps keep in touch, but give her some space until she contacts you.