Marka Posted May 11, 2023 Posted May 11, 2023 I am very confused. Something like this happened to me for a first time. I dated a guy for about one month and then we met on Sunday evening for dinner and then ended having sex at his place. As tomorrow was Monday and we live in about an hour apart, I left after sex and a bit of cuddling in bed. Guy asked me several times to stay the night but I really had a busy Monday at work and needed to have a good sleep, so I explained it to him that I need to go home as I need to get up early and get ready for work. So then weird things happened, he texted me if I managed to get home alright and we wished each other good night with kisses. And then he disappeared. He didn't reach for about a week, I was left in limbo but decided to message him and check what's going on. So i sent him a neutral message asking how he is doing and if he is alright, as I haven't heard from him for a while I was wondering if anything happened. He messaged back immediately saying that he will get back to me after work. Then in two hours he just said: hello, I got back from work and nothing more. I am very confused about his behavior. I don't get it if he doesn't want to continue seeing me or hurt or what.
stillafool Posted May 11, 2023 Posted May 11, 2023 How many times did you guys go on dates during the 1 month of knowing each other? Also was that your first time having sex?
Author Marka Posted May 11, 2023 Author Posted May 11, 2023 2 minutes ago, stillafool said: How many times did you guys go on dates during the 1 month of knowing each other? Also was that your first time having sex? It was 1-2 dates per week depending on our schedules. So approx 5-6 in total. Yes, it was first time.
Alpacalia Posted May 11, 2023 Posted May 11, 2023 (edited) 54 minutes ago, Marka said: He didn't reach for about a week, I was left in limbo but decided to message him and check what's going on. Because he could be busy, doing activities, and just plain living. A couple of great dates might have taken place with you, and then he meets someone who makes him even more enthusiastic about dating. That’s totally normal, could happen to anyone. It won't work if he doesn't reciprocate. If he's not putting in effort, neither will you. Was he the one to ask you on each date? Edited May 11, 2023 by Alpacalia 1
Wiseman2 Posted May 11, 2023 Posted May 11, 2023 1 hour ago, Marka said: I was left in limbo but decided to message him and check what's going on. Has he been consistent before with communication? It doesn't seem awkward if you have to go to work the next day. Are you concerned about having sex then disappearing? How has he been overall during the month of dating? How did the conversation end? Are there plans?
Calmandfocused Posted May 11, 2023 Posted May 11, 2023 I don’t believe for one minute that this guy has been too busy to get in touch. A week? No way! Any decent man who is really into a woman understands that the first sexual encounter is a very vulnerable time for her. If he cared there’s no way he’d leave it a week for her anxieties to rise and risk losing her. No way. Unfortunately I think you’ve crossed paths with a guy who is a “f***er and Chucker”. Meaning that any graft he put in beforehand was designed to lead you to his bedroom. Seems like he’s succeeded in his mission and had now lost interest. Im sorry! Your best bet is to recognise that not all men are like this and simply move on. 2
stillafool Posted May 11, 2023 Posted May 11, 2023 3 hours ago, Marka said: He messaged back immediately saying that he will get back to me after work. Then in two hours he just said: hello, I got back from work and nothing more. Was he expecting you to call him after he said "I got back from work"? Or was he expecting you to return a text to him?
Gaeta Posted May 11, 2023 Posted May 11, 2023 How was the sex? Men have insecurity as well. If he feels he did not perform well enough, if he thinks you refused to stay the night because you were disappointed at the sex, it's possble he was waiting to hear from you. Just maybe. 3
stillafool Posted May 12, 2023 Posted May 12, 2023 49 minutes ago, Gaeta said: How was the sex? Men have insecurity as well. If he feels he did not perform well enough, if he thinks you refused to stay the night because you were disappointed at the sex, it's possble he was waiting to hear from you. Just maybe. I agree that the above could very well be the case. First you called him to ask how has he been you haven't heard from him in a while. Obviously he's at work and can't really talk or text so he said he'd get back to you when he got home.....so then he let you know he's now home.....that means you can now call him to catch up. Instead you did nothing. Yes men have insecurity especially after 1st time sex they want the assurance that you're pleased. Most women like to stay and cuddle after 1st time sex and because you went home he may have thought you didn't want more or weren't that impressed. BTW, I completely understand why you went home, but was he. 1
meeji Posted May 12, 2023 Posted May 12, 2023 Why don't you ask when he's free. If he says he's busy then forget it! If he gives you a time then make plans to see him. We don't know why he's being cold but if you express interest and he does take the bait then you can determine that he's not interested anymore. I was thinking he really wanted you to stay and maybe he felt rejected after you left. There's a 50/50 change that he just used you for sex. I hope you get your answer soon. 1
Author Marka Posted May 12, 2023 Author Posted May 12, 2023 9 hours ago, stillafool said: Was he expecting you to call him after he said "I got back from work"? Or was he expecting you to return a text to him? We communicated via texts, not calls. Not sure what he expected, I asked him some questions in a text message like how has he been, if he is okay, so I was expecting him to address some of them instead just saying I got back from work as I felt like now what? shall i repeat my questions? 1
Author Marka Posted May 12, 2023 Author Posted May 12, 2023 12 hours ago, Alpacalia said: Was he the one to ask you on each date? we kinda just agreed at the end of each date when we see each other again.
Author Marka Posted May 12, 2023 Author Posted May 12, 2023 12 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Has he been consistent before with communication? It doesn't seem awkward if you have to go to work the next day. Are you concerned about having sex then disappearing? How has he been overall during the month of dating? How did the conversation end? Are there plans? He hasnt been great with communication, definitely not a texter type of guy. More on introverted side, even in person, prefer listening than talking, took a bit of time for him to open up. But I am also reserved personality so it was ok for me. It is not like I am concerned that I was classic pump and dump situation, would be weird for our age. Just the whole situation is weird to me. Normally dates ended up with arranging new one at the end
Author Marka Posted May 12, 2023 Author Posted May 12, 2023 7 hours ago, Gaeta said: How was the sex? Men have insecurity as well. If he feels he did not perform well enough, if he thinks you refused to stay the night because you were disappointed at the sex, it's possble he was waiting to hear from you. Just maybe. It was first sex together, so I cant say it was great, but it was good, chemistry is there etc. He could be thinking this, and maybe even waiting but then the reply to my text was weird. I asked him some questions adn there was no proper reply, an attempt to build a dialogue. I took it as disinterest in continuing talking.
Author Marka Posted May 12, 2023 Author Posted May 12, 2023 6 hours ago, stillafool said: I agree that the above could very well be the case. First you called him to ask how has he been you haven't heard from him in a while. Obviously he's at work and can't really talk or text so he said he'd get back to you when he got home.....so then he let you know he's now home.....that means you can now call him to catch up. Instead you did nothing. Yes men have insecurity especially after 1st time sex they want the assurance that you're pleased. Most women like to stay and cuddle after 1st time sex and because you went home he may have thought you didn't want more or weren't that impressed. BTW, I completely understand why you went home, but was he. I didnt call, I texted him, so he definitely not expected a call. What do you mean I did nothing? I reached out myself first, asked him how he is doing, he only told me he s got home after work, not asking every single question on me and not answering mine.... Yes, men can have insecurity, but women too. I expect at least some degree of reciprocation when I reach out...
Author Marka Posted May 12, 2023 Author Posted May 12, 2023 1 hour ago, meeji said: Why don't you ask when he's free. If he says he's busy then forget it! If he gives you a time then make plans to see him. We don't know why he's being cold but if you express interest and he does take the bait then you can determine that he's not interested anymore. I was thinking he really wanted you to stay and maybe he felt rejected after you left. There's a 50/50 change that he just used you for sex. I hope you get your answer soon. The question I am asking myself now if I should proceed. I really liked the guy but this behavior is off putting. If used for sex, thats ok, I will easily move on.. If not and felt rejected and that's why acting cold, should have communicated it better except of playing silent games? Especially after being asked if he is good. I am too old for this s***.
Gaeta Posted May 12, 2023 Posted May 12, 2023 4 hours ago, Marka said: Especially after being asked if he is good. If he is good.....in bed? When did that happenned?
Author Marka Posted May 12, 2023 Author Posted May 12, 2023 6 minutes ago, Gaeta said: If he is good.....in bed? When did that happenned? sorry I didnt get what you mean? I asked how are you, is everything good/alright etc
Wiseman2 Posted May 12, 2023 Posted May 12, 2023 4 hours ago, Marka said: Especially after being asked if he is good In what context did he mean "if he was good"? Have you heard back from him yet?
Author Marka Posted May 12, 2023 Author Posted May 12, 2023 28 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: In what context did he mean "if he was good"? Have you heard back from him yet? it was my question addressed to him in my text message, which he replied to that he will get back to me after work. The last thing i heard from him is his text that he is back from work. thats it
meeji Posted May 12, 2023 Posted May 12, 2023 47 minutes ago, Marka said: it was my question addressed to him in my text message, which he replied to that he will get back to me after work. The last thing i heard from him is his text that he is back from work. thats it Your guy sounds like the guy I just cut off. I understand where you're coming from. Communication is big in a relationship. If he can't express himself now, this kind of behavior will mostly likely become a pattern. I know that men struggle sometimes with being vulnerable but women can't baby them forever. If his fear is stronger than his interested for you he won't change how he's been operating. It could be a game where he wants you to chase him. That's not worth your time either. Now that I've written that out, I am leaning towards moving on to the next... This is something you can't solve for him.
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