Should I break up with my boyfriend if he doesn't want to move in?

[Napkin]

Hi everyone, I could really use some advice.  Me and my boyfriend are both 25 and have been dating for 3 years. I love him a lot and we have a good relationship. His lease ends at the end of June. I have been waiting for months for him to make a decision about him moving in with me. At this point it feels like he’s stringing me along. He says stuff like I’ll probably move in but doesn’t give me a yes for sure. We have talked about the future and we both want marriage and kids. He already spends most of his time at my place, at least 5 days a week. At this point I feel really annoyed that he hasn’t made a decision. My patience is wearing very thin and I don’t want this to be a last minute thing. I’ve told him this but he still says he’s unsure yet and will let me know soon.  If he ends telling me he doesn’t want to move in, should I break up with him? 

[Wiseman2]

36 minutes ago, Napkin said:

. He already spends most of his time at my place, at least 5 days a week. At this point I feel really annoyed that he hasn’t made a decision. 

Sorry this is happening. Keep in mind moving in is a convenience not a commitment. There's also the complications of not wanting to be your tenant.

Stop letting him camp out for free. If he wants to camp out at your place he'll have to pay rent.

Letting him stay there this much is a mistake. You can't make him move in, but you can stop giving him a free ride while he's coasting along having his cake and eat it too.

Figure out your total monthly costs (rent, food, utilities, etc) and charge him a per diem rate. For example 20 days x whatever your daily operating costs is. Either he'll take it or leave it, but he won't be taking you for granted any longer. Start by asking him to remove all his stuff from your place. You're not a BNB or storage unit.

You don't necessarily have to break up but you need to tell him that if he's going to stay in his place then he needs to live at his place.

Edited May 10, 2023 by Wiseman2

[semble]

I was with my last girlfriend for 10 years. We were together 3 years when she finally put her foot down and said "This isn't an ultimatum but I don't want a part time relationship, either you move in or we split up.".

I made the choice to move in, sold my place.. but there was always resentment on my part, I never felt I belonged there.

Your boyfriend is clearly in the same position I was. He wants his space, and he wants the relationship on his terms.

You can either accept things as they are, and hope he eventually comes around, you can cut him to the curb, or you can do a "non ultimatum ultimatum" like my ex did. Expect resentment, might even cause things to implode sooner rather than later.

No right or wrong, this is about your own personal dealbreakers, and it's about his as well.

But know that you can't force him to suddenly change his mind and accept things the way you want them to be and be perfectly fine with all of it.

 

[Alpacalia]

There have been times I've been asked to move in with someone.

Moving in together is a big commitment, and it is important to enter into it with open eyes and a full understanding of what it entails. 

It sounds like you have communicated your wishes clearly and have been patient with him. So, it’s understandable that you would feel frustrated if he keeps saying he’s unsure and fails to make a decision. Ultimately, this is a decision that only you can make, but it might be worth considering if this is something that can be worked through or if it is a sign that your relationship might not be heading in a direction you want it to. 

Have you tried talking to him about why he is hesitant to commit to moving in with you? He is your boyfriend...can't you ask him why he is not interested in living together? Maybe he isn't as committed to you as you would like him to be. Cohabitation might not be for him at this stage in his life. Maybe he wants to be married first or more financially secure?

It would seem that just asking him and listening to his response would yield the answers you seek. THEN, you can feel all the upset you want if you don’t like his response.

And I agree, stop letting him camp out at your house.

Edited May 10, 2023 by Alpacalia

[spiritedaway2003]

You could try to ask his reasons for hesitating to move in with you.  Is it concern about how to split rent/expenses?  Is he afraid that it's a big move towards the next step in the relationship? 

You can't force him to move in but he's not ready, he's not ready.  Otherwise, he'll resent you.  But that doesn't mean that you don't have a say it it -- is it a deal-breaker for you?  Are you seeing his hesitancy to move in a signal that he's not invested in a future with you, or can you continue to live with the situation?

Also, 5 days a week is actually a lot for "not living together". If you don't want him to coast along, then don't. You have a say in it. 

Edited May 10, 2023 by spiritedaway2003

[JTSW]

If he doesn't feel ready then you need to respect that.

 

[stillafool]

I personally wouldn't want to live with a bf I have to practically force to move in with me.  He knows the timeline you're on and isn't making any move so it's clear he doesn't want to live with you.  I would stop asking him if I were you and start making my own plans.  He may not want to get married either.  If you're looking forward to marriage and kids he may not be ready yet.  He is only 25 which is very young for a man and probably wants to sow wild oates before he settles down.

[mark clemson]

On 5/10/2023 at 12:55 PM, Napkin said:

 If he ends telling me he doesn’t want to move in, should I break up with him? 

This isn't a decision other people can make for you, as their needs, views, emotional state, expectations for a relationship, and "place in life" are all different from yours.

It's clear you're frustrated and conflicted. And it's hard to break up (nor am I necessarily recommending it.) However, it's clear you have expectations to advance the relationship to the next level (co-habitation) and they are not being met.

You know your BF better than we do. Is it just waffling/cold feet, or signs of a deeper incompatibility? You also know YOU better than we do. How important is this to you and are there steps (beyond breaking up) that could make things "work" for you? Is there a bit of "sunken costs fallacy" going on in your relationship, or is he actually really good IF he can make the jump to moving in?  How ready are you to "start anew" if this proves to be an unexpected deal breaker for either of you?

Reflecting on the above, might help you make solid decisions.

[Lotsgoingon]

Sounds to me like he is genuinely ambivalent about moving in. Which most likely reflects ambivalence about the relationship. His refusal to say yes certainly suggests living with you full time does not seem all that great to him.

You're focusing on the wrong place. The issue isn't his delay as such. The issue is what does his delayed decision mean about the relationship? About his interest in living with you? And here you need to be open to the possibility that he's not feeling you like you are feeling him. That's what you need to pay attention to. 

I say stop pressing him and instead just get your own place. 

On whether to break up with him if he says no, I actually think that's the question you need to be answering right now. I think his ambivalence and hesitation is already a form of "no."

BTW: I can guess (tell me if I'm wrong) that there are other elements of your relationship with him that get on your nerves profoundly, and they are similar to his wishy-washy stance here.  My bet is you walk around anxious more than you think (anxious about the relationship) or more than you allow yourself to look at. 

[BettyDraper]

Honestly? Yes you should leave. 

It sounds like he doesn't want the same level of commitment as you. It appears that you want to move in, marry, and have kids while he doesn't even want to move in. 

You're so young. Cut your losses now before you waste 10 years with a man who doesn't want to commit. 

[JTSW]

On 5/10/2023 at 8:55 PM, Napkin said:

 If he ends telling me he doesn’t want to move in, should I break up with him? 

Why would you need to break up over that?

You have a good relationship but he also sounds like a very independent person.

[Wiseman2]

On 5/10/2023 at 6:32 PM, spiritedaway2003 said:

, 5 days a week is actually a lot for "not living together". If you don't want him to coast along, then don't. You have a say in it. 

Agree. You can't make him want to move. But you can stop letting him coast along as a mooching houseguest.  Stop asking him to move in. Ask him to remove all his belongings, and start looking for roommates and another BF.  Then change the locks. You don't need to let him string you along or wait for a straight answer. He's wasting your time and energy. He's operating on "su casa mi casa" , meaning your place is his and his  place is his.

Edited May 17, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Ageless Wisdom23]

It appears he is afraid of possibly losing the good thing you have going by moving in with you right now.  He is not ready.  Let him find  his own place and just you both continue in what you have been doing in nurturing a nice relationship.  He is young yet.  No need to break it off because he is mature enough to use his own head in a commitment in the living quarter department at this time.  Give him time.  Then later decide if it gets way past what you feel is time enough.  Keep on nurturing what you have.

Edited May 23, 2023 by Ageless Wisdom23

[glows]

Why do you want him to move in? I’m genuinely curious. Is it to start a family or  is this something you want financially? 

What are your schedules and lifestyles like? Have there been any issues in the relationship the last three years? I’m also curious why he spends five days at your place and not the other way around - do you ever stay at his?