Author meeji Posted May 12, 2023 Author Posted May 12, 2023 1 hour ago, Gaeta said: What he did was beyond not communicating & withdrawing. Does he really beleive himself when he says that. He was plain rude with you! Almost sounds like he did not want to deal with the dirty dishes! I didn't think about that but yes, siding dishes is also a possibility. I hope it was worth it!
Lotsgoingon Posted May 12, 2023 Posted May 12, 2023 Yeah sounds like the guy had an anxiety attack or some kind of sudden PTSD moment. He internally freaked out and then undoubtedly later felt embarrassed and ashamed. I'm like you OP--I would just cut this off right away without listening for an explanation. I would do that because I have a history of putting up with way too much nonsense and downright encouraging people to explain bad behavior instead of insisting that they stop bad behavior. I make myself draw a firm line because I've struggled to set clear lines. I do think this guy, if he had such a condition, should not have tried to cook for you. that was dumb. And it was doubly dumb for him to offer to cook at the place you're staying. I would only offer to do that if I were a professional chef or so. He needed a low anxiety date where you guys were being served. Was it his idea to come over to cook for you? He wildly overpromised. But I'm not sure this was a smart idea from your angle either --and that's without knowing anything about any condition he has. Were the first two dates cosmically spectacular? Those two dates would have to have been deep, mesmerizing and totally relaxing for a date like that to make sense. It's too distracting. You guys early on want to eat, talk and then walk or whatever. You (both of you) don't want to have to do any work on a date--except spontaneously if something happens. Too demanding.
Alpacalia Posted May 12, 2023 Posted May 12, 2023 It could very well have been a fart. What did you eat? Did it involve garlic? I recall when I first started dating a then-boyfriend, I went to his house with his parents there for dinner and I was super embarrassed to use the bathroom because it was right next to the kitchen. I used it but I kept the bathroom faucet running the entire time in case of an oopsie. There are a lot of reasons why someone might want to hold in a fart. Maybe they're in a public place and don't want to be embarrassed. Or maybe they don't want to stink up the place. Either way, there are plenty of reasons why someone might choose to hold in a fart and then have to make a fast dash. Reminds me of 'Along Came Polly' where her date ate spicy food. 2
Author meeji Posted May 12, 2023 Author Posted May 12, 2023 3 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said: Yeah sounds like the guy had an anxiety attack or some kind of sudden PTSD moment. He internally freaked out and then undoubtedly later felt embarrassed and ashamed. I'm like you OP--I would just cut this off right away without listening for an explanation. I would do that because I have a history of putting up with way too much nonsense and downright encouraging people to explain bad behavior instead of insisting that they stop bad behavior. I make myself draw a firm line because I've struggled to set clear lines. I do think this guy, if he had such a condition, should not have tried to cook for you. that was dumb. And it was doubly dumb for him to offer to cook at the place you're staying. I would only offer to do that if I were a professional chef or so. He needed a low anxiety date where you guys were being served. Was it his idea to come over to cook for you? He wildly overpromised. But I'm not sure this was a smart idea from your angle either --and that's without knowing anything about any condition he has. Were the first two dates cosmically spectacular? Those two dates would have to have been deep, mesmerizing and totally relaxing for a date like that to make sense. It's too distracting. You guys early on want to eat, talk and then walk or whatever. You (both of you) don't want to have to do any work on a date--except spontaneously if something happens. Too demanding. We had a virtual date first for 1 hour in video. Then we had a dinner date out. Third we had another dinner date out. We both like food and so I think he jumped at the opportunity. I can relate to what you said. The old me would've listened to the song story and let it slide. I'm done doing that.
Author meeji Posted May 12, 2023 Author Posted May 12, 2023 On 5/10/2023 at 12:46 PM, ShyViolet said: I find it strange that you weren't even the least bit curious to hear what his explanation was, you just shut it down and wouldn't talk to him anymore. Maybe there was some explanation. I think you rushed to judgment a little bit. But it's your choice... and if you feel good about it then that's that I guess. The important thing to note is that he is not able to communicate effectively. No matter what his reason was, I learned that he's the type of guy to walk out rather than address the issue. I don't want that relationship dynamic so I don't care to hear good excuse for why he did that. 1
Author meeji Posted May 12, 2023 Author Posted May 12, 2023 On 5/10/2023 at 3:06 PM, MsJayne said: If you were just talking when he got up and left, what were you talking about? Maybe you said something that triggered him? Did he seem angry or agitated, did he go quiet just before it happened? Whatever, it's odd behaviour and likely that he has some demon lurking within, so you probably made the right call. We were talking about music. I just turned on some music and was explaining the singer's background. Unless that was his ex gfs favorite song or his ex wife then I can't imagine that would trigger him.
MsJayne Posted May 12, 2023 Posted May 12, 2023 14 hours ago, meeji said: We were talking about music. I just turned on some music and was explaining the singer's background. Unless that was his ex gfs favorite song or his ex wife then I can't imagine that would trigger him. OK, fairly innocuous. In that case maybe other comments above may be right. Maybe he has a health condition. My god-daughter has Crohn's Disease, and it can lead to very embarrassing moments as it comes on suddenly, often under stressful conditions or if the sufferer has eaten something which irritates their intestine, (causes diarrhoea and really bad wind which can just about slay anyone nearby). Perhaps he does have an embarrassing illness, which would make new relationships really hard. 1
suckered Posted May 13, 2023 Posted May 13, 2023 As someone who has had do this number of times, I think he has a health condition. I have had an undiagnosed condition for the last few years. What would happen is that I would get sudden waves of nausea and stomach craps that would soon lead to bad diarrhea. So I knew the signs and would often flee wherever I am at. There is no time to explain. So on date saying "I am not feeling well" and then dealing with follow-up questions is not an option. I also don't feel comfortable talking about my health in early dating. It's something I consider very private and have had really bad experiences when I did open up in the past. Guys would break up with me because they don't want to deal with someone with a chronic health issue. One guy even said that his dad is a doctor and any undiagnosed health problems mean that you are a hypochondriac. So yeah don't want to deal with any of that. If that's the case with this guy, you did him a favor. You sound very intolerant. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted May 13, 2023 Posted May 13, 2023 In reality OP, you have no idea what happened. And since you're not interested in listening to what he has to say, well, it's done. I would avoid trying to leap to conclusions about him, though. You don't have enough infomation about him to guess what was really going on. You might be right that he is avoidant and withdrew in the middle of dinner (which does not seem likely), or you might be way off the mark on that one. Oh well. 1
Wiseman2 Posted May 13, 2023 Posted May 13, 2023 (edited) On 5/12/2023 at 1:38 AM, meeji said: We were talking about music. I just turned on some music and was explaining the singer's background. When he came by to collect his stuff did you ask him? Not that it matters now, but out of sheer curiosity. Maybe this one is for the "unsolved mysteries" file. Your theory seems to be some sort of "trigger". Edited May 13, 2023 by Wiseman2
Acacia98 Posted May 13, 2023 Posted May 13, 2023 I think what matters most here is that he has admitted to a history of not communicating well at critical moments and, due to your prior history, that is a deal-breaker for you. That's fine. It's good that you know what your limits are and are ready to respect them. He may ultimately have a reason for this pattern of behavior that most would sympathize with, but you are clearly not compatible with him. 1
Measure Posted May 13, 2023 Posted May 13, 2023 It is very odd that just all of a sudden he stood up and said “bye”. You didn’t notice his demeanor change? His energy change? As people mentioned it could have been a medical issue but music can be a huge trigger as well. However if music triggered something to do with his ex then that’s a major red flag. You made your decision and I’m sure it was the right one for you. Better safe than sorry. As an aside though, you talk about communication but you didn’t want to communicate either. I understand you have your flags but if you are going to “bail” the first time someone makes a mistake, well, you could be in for a lonely ride. A second time after you’ve “communicated” over the first time, we’ll that’s another story. But that’s just me though. I’ll accept damn near anything once, once. Twice? Ner er. 1
Gaeta Posted May 13, 2023 Posted May 13, 2023 It's not a physical health issue, he told her what's his problem, he's not communicating and he closes off, it's a mental health issue. Now mental health issues don't have to be a deal breaker if the person is attending to their health problem. Sounds like this one isn't and l would not deal with it either. This man could up and leave in the middle of his own wedding? I'm sure there is a pill for that. 1
spiderowl Posted May 13, 2023 Posted May 13, 2023 You are prob right to think that there is not much to gain from continuing with this relationship, OP. He was rude just leaving like that with no explanation. You don’t want to be put in that situation again. However, now you’ve got me curious. What was his reason? Couldn’t you have let him speak so at least you know what his excuse was, however unforgivable? Sorry, we’re just left dangling and curious now. But, we are here to support you and I think your intuition was right. You stood by your boundaries and did not let him get away with treating you badly. I hope you have better luck next time.
Alpacalia Posted May 13, 2023 Posted May 13, 2023 (edited) If something really came up that was serious enough for him to leave in the middle of a date, I think it's fair to assume that it would be something he might have been uncomfortable sharing with a woman he's just getting to know. Of course, if it was a health factor he may have felt like he needed some privacy to take care of whatever it was. If he was uncomfortable he has every right to leave. Might that be rude? Yes, 100%. Might his health be more important than politeness? Totally. All of this is speculation, of course. It wasn't well received by you, and you weren't open to hearing him out. It is what it is. Edited May 13, 2023 by Alpacalia
spiderowl Posted May 13, 2023 Posted May 13, 2023 Having said the above, it brought to mind a guy I knew years ago. I know he had had a very tough background - orphaned at 16 and made homeless then left to survive alone in a tough city. Whether this had anything to do with his behaviour or not is hard to know. Anyway, he was actually very charming and literate and did kind things for me, like lending me books. He suggested going to a concert. I agreed to go to one we both liked and, although it was not specified, saw it as a kind of friendly possible date. We went to the concert and sat there for a while. It was ok but not gripping. All of a sudden, he declared he was not comfortable, was bored with the music and was going home. I was shocked! I had thought it was a date, although it may not have been, but even a friend would not just have done that. He literally upped and left! He didn’t check to see how I was getting home at all or what my plans might be. It came across as selfish, weird and thoughtless. The guy did other odd things too, despite his clear intelligence and talent (he was a highly skilled consultant). He friended me on Facebook, then unfriended me. Later on, he friended me again. When I asked about it, in a humorous way, he didn’t remember anything. We hung out once again, very nice coffee meeting, but I could never trust him again and lost touch. He was just too unpredictable. I know he had a series of poor relationships behind him.
MsJayne Posted May 13, 2023 Posted May 13, 2023 On 5/12/2023 at 5:11 AM, Calmandfocused said: I think he urgently needed to fart. Thanks the only rational explanation I can think of, all things considered. You think he had a Fart Or Flight Response? 1
Author meeji Posted May 13, 2023 Author Posted May 13, 2023 10 hours ago, spiderowl said: You are prob right to think that there is not much to gain from continuing with this relationship, OP. He was rude just leaving like that with no explanation. You don’t want to be put in that situation again. However, now you’ve got me curious. What was his reason? Couldn’t you have let him speak so at least you know what his excuse was, however unforgivable? Sorry, we’re just left dangling and curious now. But, we are here to support you and I think your intuition was right. You stood by your boundaries and did not let him get away with treating you badly. I hope you have better luck next time. My guess is that he was going to go into detail about how this came up in his prior relationships. He did say he was "working on it ". Sounds like there's more work to do. He's not dragging me through the mudd while he figures it out. I appreciate all of the comments, even if I don't agree with the advice given. Thanks for the support!
Wiseman2 Posted May 14, 2023 Posted May 14, 2023 On 5/9/2023 at 11:31 PM, meeji said: . All of a sudden he stood up and said he was heading out! I helped him pack up his stuff and walked him to the door. The kitchen was a mess. I agree it doesn't seem like any sort of medical emergency, perhaps an anxiety attack at best.
Alpacalia Posted May 14, 2023 Posted May 14, 2023 The memory of my second date being cut short due to my date's intense indigestion still lingers in my mind, often coming to the forefront of my thoughts whenever I hear someone passing gas in my Yoga classes. Sorry your date didn't work out.
Ageless Wisdom23 Posted May 25, 2023 Posted May 25, 2023 I think you did the right thing. He may have had other strange issues that eventually would have ended the relationship later on. You found out before dessert on the second date in your kitchen.
smackie9 Posted May 25, 2023 Posted May 25, 2023 Nope you did the right thing. He admitted he has "issues" so yes you dodged a bullet. Let him be someone else's problem. Maybe this will be a tough lesson for him to get his act together.
Recommended Posts