meeji Posted May 10, 2023 Posted May 10, 2023 We had 2 dates before this one. He came over and cooked dinner. We were talking, sharing music and eating over cocktails. Everything was fine. All of a sudden he stood up and said he was heading out! I helped him pack up his stuff and walked him to the door. The kitchen was a mess. I cleaned it up and messaged the next morning that he left some things behind. He wanted to come get them.. which turned into wanting to talk but I was working. He left kind of upset. He wanted to talk after work and I was not interested. I was completely rubbed the wrong way at how he left without communicating. He's been blowing up my phone asking to allow him to explain, asking to go out again, and he even admit that he has had issues in the past with not communicating and withdrawing. (My guess is thats6 what ever his marriage and 4 year relationship). I don't need to know the reason he left. I could figure out there's something personal he's working through that is probably bigger than I can handle. I ended it today. This is more of a vent really... Set your boundaries clearly from the start to avoid the pitfalls later. I haven't always been great about that but I've learned a lot since I've been gone. I think I dodged a bullet. 1
Alpacalia Posted May 10, 2023 Posted May 10, 2023 Does this mean he just left without giving a reason? Strange. 1
Wiseman2 Posted May 10, 2023 Posted May 10, 2023 21 minutes ago, meeji said: We had 2 dates before this one. He came over and cooked dinner. . All of a sudden he stood up and said he was heading out! . I ended it today. You made the right call ending it. This was a bit too much too soon. Allow the first several dates to be dates outside the house. This way you can get a better sense of things before inviting someone you barely know into your house and cooking for them. Whatever his problem is, is not your problem. It seems like you dodged a bullet. 2
Author meeji Posted May 10, 2023 Author Posted May 10, 2023 22 minutes ago, Alpacalia said: Does this mean he just left without giving a reason? Strange. Yes, here just randomly said I'm heading out. To clarify. He did not come to my house and I didn't go to his. We did dinner at a neutral location. Also, I did not cook for him. He was bragging about his cooking skills and wanted to impress me with his cooking so he planned it everything. It wasn't my idea. Nothing happened. We were just eating and talking so who knows what triggered him.
Alpacalia Posted May 10, 2023 Posted May 10, 2023 Maybe he made a whoopsie doodle in his pants and was deeply embarrassed. What do you mean by neutral location? Like a friend's house?
Wiseman2 Posted May 10, 2023 Posted May 10, 2023 10 minutes ago, meeji said: He did not come to my house and I didn't go to his. We did dinner at a neutral location. We were just eating and talking so who knows what triggered him. That's a good thing. At least you don't have his stuff in your house. It's almost bizarre but be grateful there was no real investment on your part. People on a hair trigger are best avoided.
Author meeji Posted May 10, 2023 Author Posted May 10, 2023 28 minutes ago, Alpacalia said: Maybe he made a whoopsie doodle in his pants and was deeply embarrassed. What do you mean by neutral location? Like a friend's house? I don't think so... It seemed like some sort 28 minutes ago, Alpacalia said: Maybe he made a whoopsie doodle in his pants and was deeply embarrassed. What do you mean by neutral location? Like a friend's house? I don't think so. It seemed like some internal battle he was having with himself that he didn't want me to know about. I'm house sitting. Don't worry. I got permission to have him over.
Wiseman2 Posted May 10, 2023 Posted May 10, 2023 (edited) 20 minutes ago, meeji said: . I m house sitting. Don't worry. I got permission to have him over. Ok, definitely avoid all in-house (whoever's house) dates at first and any sort of cooking together type dates. In this case he seems like a weirdo, but in general it's better to screen a bit with outside, in public dates. For example if you were at a restaurant, museum, whatever, there's not as much potential for misunderstandings and troubling scenes. Edited May 10, 2023 by Wiseman2 2
NuevoYorko Posted May 10, 2023 Posted May 10, 2023 House sitting or your house - it's still an "in house" date. I don't understand why you are not interested in his reason, but you ARE interested in making a thread about it. Seriously, he might have been sick. I have a family member with a colostomy bag because they have Crohn's disease. At times they've had to make emergency exits. Or maybe he had an anxiety attack. I understand if you wouldn't want to date a person with a chronic illness but people have them, and those people often do want to date. They are going to have to spill the beans about their condition at some point, and it's probably not going to be within the first couple of dates. 1
Wiseman2 Posted May 10, 2023 Posted May 10, 2023 3 hours ago, meeji said: .He was bragging about his cooking skills and wanted to impress me with his cooking so he planned it everything. It wasn't my idea. It's ok to say no to in home dates. It's way too soon. Additionally anything that could be construed as a Netflix and chill situation is something to avoid in the beginning. If someone plans an in-home date right away, it's a red flag. You're free to counter with a more appropriate suggestion. 2
JTSW Posted May 10, 2023 Posted May 10, 2023 Maybe he had a sudden health emergency that he didn't want you to witness. I think you should at least hear him out or you will always be wondering. You are making assumptions about what was wrong but you actually don't know. 1
Author meeji Posted May 10, 2023 Author Posted May 10, 2023 1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said: It's ok to say no to in home dates. It's way too soon. Additionally anything that could be construed as a Netflix and chill situation is something to avoid in the beginning. If someone plans an in-home date right away, it's a red flag. You're free to counter with a more appropriate suggestion. This was not a Netflix and chill situation and the fact that it was a home date is being emphasized too much in this case. I was comfortable enough so I agreed to the date. Of course I can say no.
Author meeji Posted May 10, 2023 Author Posted May 10, 2023 50 minutes ago, JTSW said: Maybe he had a sudden health emergency that he didn't want you to witness. I think you should at least hear him out or you will always be wondering. You are making assumptions about what was wrong but you actually don't know. Doubtful If you read my post, you'll see that he said to me that he has a history of doing this. What I suspect is that this kind of behavior was excused over and over again until his partners got sick of it and left. Additionally, this probably set the expectation for him that most women with give him a second and third, fourth chance and he expected the same from me. I feel good about my decision. I do think I read this situation appropriately. Thanks for adding the other perspective though. In some cases, there could be a medical emergency. 1
Author meeji Posted May 10, 2023 Author Posted May 10, 2023 2 hours ago, NuevoYorko said: House sitting or your house - it's still an "in house" date. I don't understand why you are not interested in his reason, but you ARE interested in making a thread about it. Seriously, he might have been sick. I have a family member with a colostomy bag because they have Crohn's disease. At times they've had to make emergency exits. Or maybe he had an anxiety attack. I understand if you wouldn't want to date a person with a chronic illness but people have them, and those people often do want to date. They are going to have to spill the beans about their condition at some point, and it's probably not going to be within the first couple of dates. I've addressed the health emergency in another reply. What about my post is inappropriate for this platform? There are lots of wise people here and half as many trolls. I posted because I find value in the feedback and no, there won't be another date. 1
JTSW Posted May 10, 2023 Posted May 10, 2023 19 minutes ago, meeji said: If you read my post, you'll see that he said to me that he has a history of doing this. Yeah, I did read that. I totally respect your decision and you sound like a strong person. 1
Wiseman2 Posted May 10, 2023 Posted May 10, 2023 29 minutes ago, meeji said: . What I suspect is that this kind of behavior was excused over and over again until his partners got sick of it and left. Agree. It's unlikely he had a health emergency. It's easy to simply say I'm not feeling well and excuse himself like a civilized person. At best this was rude and weird. It's unclear what exactly led up to his abrupt departure. Do you have to return his things?
Author meeji Posted May 10, 2023 Author Posted May 10, 2023 16 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Agree. It's unlikely he had a health emergency. It's easy to simply say I'm not feeling well and excuse himself like a civilized person. At best this was rude and weird. It's unclear what exactly led up to his abrupt departure. Do you have to return his things? He was just telling me that he bought strawberry shortcake for dessert, then 10 mins later he was out the door! He came back the next day to collect his belongings so all set there. You're right. It's simple to say I'm so full! I need to go home and take a nap! I drank too much, I should probably go home. Or even, I'm having a great time but there's this thing that I need to take care of and I have to cut this short. In the past I would've l accepted this behavior but at the end of the day the kind of partner I want needs to able to communicate. This is the reason it was a red flag for me regardless of what cause him to do it. If it's happening now it will only get worse over time as we get more involved. I would expect this from a 20 something but the guy is well over 40. 1
Author meeji Posted May 10, 2023 Author Posted May 10, 2023 48 minutes ago, JTSW said: Yeah, I did read that. I totally respect your decision and you sound like a strong person. Been through the trenches! I think it's safe to say I'm learning from my mistakes. Thanks for the encouragement! 1
Alpacalia Posted May 10, 2023 Posted May 10, 2023 (edited) It is certainly a concern that he did not communicate the reason for his sudden departure from your romantic date. There was also some bruise to your ego involved, maybe? As far as I can tell, you were both enjoying each other's company up until that point. Whatever the reason, it is understandable to feel hurt and confused when someone makes a sudden exit like that. Onwards and upwards! Edited May 10, 2023 by Alpacalia 2
ShyViolet Posted May 10, 2023 Posted May 10, 2023 I find it strange that you weren't even the least bit curious to hear what his explanation was, you just shut it down and wouldn't talk to him anymore. Maybe there was some explanation. I think you rushed to judgment a little bit. But it's your choice... and if you feel good about it then that's that I guess. 2
MsJayne Posted May 10, 2023 Posted May 10, 2023 If you were just talking when he got up and left, what were you talking about? Maybe you said something that triggered him? Did he seem angry or agitated, did he go quiet just before it happened? Whatever, it's odd behaviour and likely that he has some demon lurking within, so you probably made the right call. 2
Alvi Posted May 11, 2023 Posted May 11, 2023 (edited) On 5/10/2023 at 3:30 AM, meeji said: Doubtful If you read my post, you'll see that he said to me that he has a history of doing this. What I suspect is that this kind of behavior was excused over and over again until his partners got sick of it and left. Additionally, this probably set the expectation for him that most women with give him a second and third, fourth chance and he expected the same from me. Well, nothing much you can do in that case. It is up to him to fight his own demons, you cannot help him there. Wish him well (mentally) and block him. Don't exchange any more messages with him. Simply block him. Use it as a funny story if anybody asks you about any crazy dates that you had. Keep dating men till you find the "one." P.S. It might be better to meet in a public place for the first few dates. Like in a coffee place or a restaurant. Or go do some outdoor activity with a nice weather out there. You never know what is in your date's head and it is better to be safe than sorry. Edited May 11, 2023 by Alvi 1
Calmandfocused Posted May 11, 2023 Posted May 11, 2023 I think he urgently needed to fart. Thanks the only rational explanation I can think of, all things considered. 2
Alvi Posted May 11, 2023 Posted May 11, 2023 7 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said: I think he urgently needed to fart. Thanks the only rational explanation I can think of, all things considered. I was thinking the same but he could have used a bathroom. Or went outside and came back in few minutes. But who knows, it is impossible to know what is going on with someone you don't know at all.
Gaeta Posted May 12, 2023 Posted May 12, 2023 On 5/9/2023 at 11:31 PM, meeji said: he even admit that he has had issues in the past with not communicating and withdrawing What he did was beyond not communicating & withdrawing. Does he really beleive himself when he says that. He was plain rude with you! Almost sounds like he did not want to deal with the dirty dishes!
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