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I feel like outing the guy my boyfriend hooked up with

Madison

By Madison
in Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy

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stillafool Established Member

stillafool

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16 hours ago, Madison said:

My boyfriend is out to some people but not my friends 

Are you going to out him to your friends?  If not, leave the other guy alone too.

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Madison Member

Madison

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4 hours ago, Atwood said:

If someone is physically hurt as a result of you outing them, they may report it to the police. I would think putting someone in danger of harm would be deterrent enough, though. It's very important to consider the consequences of outing somebody and as a general rule should not be done. 

I really feel you should reach out for support for your mental health to get you through this.

I’m going to have to get some kind of therapy 

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Madison Member

Madison

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2 hours ago, stillafool said:

Are you going to out him to your friends?  If not, leave the other guy alone too.

No, they would tease me about it

MsJayne Established Member

MsJayne

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You're displacing your anger. You don't want to vent your anger at your BF because you don't want to break up, so you're aiming it at a guy who probably had no idea your BF was in a relationship, (which he wasn't? I believe you were broken up at the time?), and had no moral obligation to consider you. Whole situation sounds to me as if your BF deliberately caused a break in your relationship so he could go do his thing without being held accountable. Why does your BF expect you to keep his secret but shows no loyalty in return? He sounds like a very self-absorbed and untrustworthy dude in general, and extremely manipulative. Outing people won't make you feel better and will just make you look foolish and nasty, and could be very damaging for the guy he slept with, it could affect his family relationships, his friendships, his job, all sorts of things, (worst case scenario - he gets assaulted by some homophobic gronk and police find out you incited it - that's a hate crime). If you must vent your anger, at least vent it at the person who hurt you, not some innocent guy who actually has done nothing to you. You don't want your friends or family to know your BF fancies a bit of chocolate starfish because you'll get teased, but if you out his sex partner you better be prepared for the backlash.  This problem is between you and your BF, he's hurt you badly and you can't get past it. if you took your feelings out of the equation, if you weren't going to spend a couple of months pining and dealing with the loss, what would you do? 

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stillafool Established Member

stillafool

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Did you even know your bf was bi?  You were broken up at the time so technically he's done nothing wrong and MsJayne is right, the other guy probably had no idea your bf even had a gf or that he is bi for that matter.  He probably thought he was gay.

stillafool Established Member

stillafool

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18 minutes ago, stillafool said:

You were broken up at the time so technically he's done nothing wrong

Sorry I see this was not the case.  Your bf cheated on you with a man while you were still in the relationship.  Me thinks he will get that itch again to be with a man.  Can you handle that you don't have the equipment to fulfill all of his fantasies? 

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Madison Member

Madison

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1 hour ago, MsJayne said:

You're displacing your anger. You don't want to vent your anger at your BF because you don't want to break up, so you're aiming it at a guy who probably had no idea your BF was in a relationship, (which he wasn't? I believe you were broken up at the time?), and had no moral obligation to consider you. Whole situation sounds to me as if your BF deliberately caused a break in your relationship so he could go do his thing without being held accountable. Why does your BF expect you to keep his secret but shows no loyalty in return? He sounds like a very self-absorbed and untrustworthy dude in general, and extremely manipulative. Outing people won't make you feel better and will just make you look foolish and nasty, and could be very damaging for the guy he slept with, it could affect his family relationships, his friendships, his job, all sorts of things, (worst case scenario - he gets assaulted by some homophobic gronk and police find out you incited it - that's a hate crime). If you must vent your anger, at least vent it at the person who hurt you, not some innocent guy who actually has done nothing to you. You don't want your friends or family to know your BF fancies a bit of chocolate starfish because you'll get teased, but if you out his sex partner you better be prepared for the backlash.  This problem is between you and your BF, he's hurt you badly and you can't get past it. if you took your feelings out of the equation, if you weren't going to spend a couple of months pining and dealing with the loss, what would you do? 

I thought it was when we were broken up but it was a week before we broke up. The guy knew he had a girlfriend. I’m not sure what I would do. I’m just really hurt.

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Madison Member

Madison

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9 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Sorry I see this was not the case.  Your bf cheated on you with a man while you were still in the relationship.  Me thinks he will get that itch again to be with a man.  Can you handle that you don't have the equipment to fulfill all of his fantasies? 

The guy knew he had a girlfriend. No, I couldn’t handle that.

MsJayne Established Member

MsJayne

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33 minutes ago, Madison said:

I thought it was when we were broken up but it was a week before we broke up. The guy knew he had a girlfriend. I’m not sure what I would do. I’m just really hurt.

Yes, anyone would be. Your BF is entirely at fault here. It really does sound like you're being used as a front to hide his sexuality from family and friends. You really should go get a health check, for your own safety, and maybe some counselling because this is a damaging experience for you. The fact that you can't talk about this with any of your friends or family is a huge sign that something is very wrong. Sorry, but your BF is, at best, an immature fool, at worst, not at all the person you think he is and quite cruel and selfish. 

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Madison Member

Madison

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3 hours ago, MsJayne said:

Yes, anyone would be. Your BF is entirely at fault here. It really does sound like you're being used as a front to hide his sexuality from family and friends. You really should go get a health check, for your own safety, and maybe some counselling because this is a damaging experience for you. The fact that you can't talk about this with any of your friends or family is a huge sign that something is very wrong. Sorry, but your BF is, at best, an immature fool, at worst, not at all the person you think he is and quite cruel and selfish. 

It hurts because I’ve been with him for so long.

basil67 Established Member

basil67

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(((hugs))) of course it hurts!   It's a horrible shock and something you didn't see coming.   

While I'm not suggesting you 'out' anyone to anybody, why do you think your friends would tease you if they knew?  This is a horrible time for you and real friends would comfort and support you. 

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MsJayne Established Member

MsJayne

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2 hours ago, Madison said:

It hurts because I’ve been with him for so long.

Yes, it hurts if you stay and it'll hurt if you go. If you go, the hurt will eventually go away, if you stay the hurt will keep festering, bubbling away inside you and getting bigger. Only you can decide which you'd prefer. No person is worth sacrificing your peace of mind or your self respect for.  Take care of yourself. 

ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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7 hours ago, Madison said:

I’m not sure what I would do. I’m just really hurt.

Of course. You have had a double shock: cheating, and a revelation about your boyfriend's sexual orientation. But outing the other guy isn't going to make the hurt better. It's going to do nothing but cause more drama. 

7 hours ago, Madison said:

The guy knew he had a girlfriend

Yes, but your boyfriend also knew he had a girlfriend. The major fault lies with him. He is the one who threw your relationship away. He is the one who disrespected you most. Your anger is misguided. Your boyfriend is the biggest jerk in all of this.

You need to get rid of him. It will never be the same and the damage in this case is too severe. My guess is that sooner or later, he will let you go for good anyway. He's not being true to himself by suppressing this side of him and I think it would be incredibly naive of you to hope he just never wants to be with a man again. 

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Madison Member

Madison

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9 hours ago, basil67 said:

(((hugs))) of course it hurts!   It's a horrible shock and something you didn't see coming.   

While I'm not suggesting you 'out' anyone to anybody, why do you think your friends would tease you if they knew?  This is a horrible time for you and real friends would comfort and support you. 

Thank you. They are kind of homophobic themselves and I don’t like it. They would make jokes if they knew.

  • 2 weeks later...
smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

Posted
Posted

It's normal to want to attack the guy and not your BF because, the guy is an outsider. If it wasn't that guy it would have been someone else. Your BF may not be bi, but a in/out closet gay. Lots of gay men have heterosexual relationships to hide their sexuality out of convenience. It's possible his desire for men have really come to the surface, couldn't help himself, and then he bravely made the decision to come out full on. It's just a first step for him, maybe he's gotten to the point he's not going to hide it anymore. It's sounds so selfish, which it is, for what he did without considering your feelings. He should have told you, but he's a coward, and has been for years. Anyone would be angry and devastated. You invested your heart so heavily. It's an unfortunate situation, and I am so sorry you are going through this. The best thing to do is take care of yourself. Do nice things for yourself, spend time with those who are caring and sympathetic, keep busy, do lots of walks to clear your head, write your thoughts down in a journal to vent privately. It's takes time but you will get through this.

ShyViolet Established Member

ShyViolet

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You are not facing the actual problem... that you have a boyfriend who has cheated on you multiple times and who is bisexual.  You can't force this to work and you are kidding yourself if you think you can just pretend that your boyfriend doesn't like to have sex with men and that he isn't going to go out and do it again.

Your anger shouldn't be directed at the other guy.  And it is unacceptable behavior to "out" a gay person, especially when you know that person is in a homophobic community.  That's hateful, homophobic behavior itself and it is not okay.

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Madison Member

Madison

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On 5/23/2023 at 10:47 AM, smackie9 said:

It's normal to want to attack the guy and not your BF because, the guy is an outsider. If it wasn't that guy it would have been someone else. Your BF may not be bi, but a in/out closet gay. Lots of gay men have heterosexual relationships to hide their sexuality out of convenience. It's possible his desire for men have really come to the surface, couldn't help himself, and then he bravely made the decision to come out full on. It's just a first step for him, maybe he's gotten to the point he's not going to hide it anymore. It's sounds so selfish, which it is, for what he did without considering your feelings. He should have told you, but he's a coward, and has been for years. Anyone would be angry and devastated. You invested your heart so heavily. It's an unfortunate situation, and I am so sorry you are going through this. The best thing to do is take care of yourself. Do nice things for yourself, spend time with those who are caring and sympathetic, keep busy, do lots of walks to clear your head, write your thoughts down in a journal to vent privately. It's takes time but you will get through this.

I’m still not through this yet and I don’t know what is going to happen

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Madison Member

Madison

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On 5/28/2023 at 11:54 AM, ShyViolet said:

You are not facing the actual problem... that you have a boyfriend who has cheated on you multiple times and who is bisexual.  You can't force this to work and you are kidding yourself if you think you can just pretend that your boyfriend doesn't like to have sex with men and that he isn't going to go out and do it again.

Your anger shouldn't be directed at the other guy.  And it is unacceptable behavior to "out" a gay person, especially when you know that person is in a homophobic community.  That's hateful, homophobic behavior itself and it is not okay.

I’m angry because he knew he had a girlfriend. I’m angry at both of them

ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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Why are you still dating this guy?

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  • 2 weeks later...
Alvino Martins Member

Alvino Martins

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Hey, I understand that you're feeling hurt and conflicted right now. Discovering that your boyfriend hooked up with someone while you were broken up can be challenging to process. It's important to remember that everyone's circumstances and emotions are unique, so there's no one-size-fits-all answer to this situation.

While it's understandable that you may feel upset and betrayed, outing the other person involved may not be the best approach. It's essential to focus on your own relationship with your boyfriend and address the issues directly with him. Open and honest communication is key to resolving any conflicts or concerns.

Express your feelings to your boyfriend, letting him know how this situation has affected you. Discuss your expectations and boundaries moving forward to ensure that both of you are on the same page. Remember, it's important to prioritize your emotional well-being and make decisions that are best for you.

If you find it challenging to navigate these emotions on your own, consider seeking support from trusted friends, family, or even a professional counselor who can provide guidance during this difficult time

Jesslyn Member

Jesslyn

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On 5/11/2023 at 3:18 AM, Madison said:

No, they would tease me about it

I'm sorry to hear that you've had experiences with inconsiderate people who would tease you about speaking up. It can be challenging, but it's important to stay true to yourself and express what you believe is right and rational. Instead of immediately outing someone, I would suggest having a conversation about it with your partner. If they are hesitant or unwilling to address the issue, it might be a sign that the relationship is not the right fit for you.

Jesslyn Member

Jesslyn

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On 6/4/2023 at 1:14 PM, ExpatInItaly said:

Why are you still dating this guy?

the way she described it sounds like she really like this guy

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