Gaeta Posted May 10, 2023 Posted May 10, 2023 8 minutes ago, lolipops010 said: unless he reached out again Be cautious, he may get back in touch but for attention or out of boredom. In my many years of dating l noticed very few men will give us an official ending. Fading away and not saying it's over is also a way to keep the door open, in case later on nothing interesting present itselves. 2
Versacehottie Posted May 11, 2023 Posted May 11, 2023 59 minutes ago, lolipops010 said: @VersacehottieThank you, thank you, thank you!! I read every of your words (and in fact, want to print them out and put it on my nightstand... lol) and agree that the speed was unnatural from the very beginning. There was a lot of future talking (from his side), i.e. trips we could take together, visiting my hometown (which is on the other side of the world! ffs), for which I should take as a red flag. Sex happened rather natural (but too fast, again) just bc how much sparks there was. Anyways, definitely a lot of valuable takeaways from this short-live situationship. He still hasn't replied to my last message and I don't plan to follow up either. Not do I plan to have a "closure" or send a break-off message as I originally planned to. I think I will just plainly leave it there, and take no more action unless he reached out again. But for now I don't have any hope and had done my reflection & ready-ish to move on - I realize he most likely not able to give me what I need/want (consistent communications, time, commitment, and most importantly - time to even let these things naturally happen & build up, although that's partially my fault) I do really appreciate your suggestion on being comfortable in the uncertainty/grey zone. This has been something I struggled with since I have anxious attachment style. But working on it! For the first bolded: sure, I would take it not as a complete red flag but maybe with CAUTION. I mean it could be excitement; it could even be well-intentioned but it will be over time that you will know if he can back up his promises and the things he says. I typically think that someone who makes over the top promises or suggestions is a little overeager and it should beg the question, "why?" like what is really going on here? This is maybe where being in a more cautious mindset or being able to navigate the grey will help you. Wanting it to be a distinct red flag will (i'm guessing) hurt you over time...it's like that black/white thing of wanting a sign that is potentially arbitrary to forecast the end result of what your dating or interaction with that person will be. There is a good thing in psychology that is that you should look for a cluster of events or signals before you knee jerk react. Also I think you should be able to TRUST yourself that this is just some of the information you are getting about who he is (from this example in the bolded for clarification!) not the whole picture. I mean your future husband could be love at first sight and pretty sure and excited and you wouldn't want to chuck him out--you just need to learn to evaluate and make it through those times without getting totally swept up. In fact, if a guy was acting like totally in the clouds (too soon) honestly you might lose respect for him if you are on solid ground yourself...and in evaluating mode. In fact, in evaluating mode, people are usually chasing after you--it's inherent. To the second bolded, yes this is the path I think that is best right now. Closure you give yourself. Break-off message isn't necessary. All of that is done really for reaction from him or a temporary feeling that you would give yourself where you feel like you told him off. I don't know if he's capable of communication, time, commitment or not. I would say how things went down in a two week period is sort of an out-of-norm, manufactured closeness so one can never tell. I'd imagine if he's like an average person, he could be capable of those things but it was the sped-up pattern that messed it up for both of you. One has to wonder why that happened on his end and sounds like you have some answers on why it happened on your end. Yes, I would have guessed it was anxiously-attached stuff in part for you. I think that is something you really need to be careful of and get comfortable with. You want to make sure that feeling anxious doesn't drive your behavior, chose your partners for you, or mess-up budding relationships. I think you can do it but it will take effort, staying aware and doing things that are counter-intuitive. Lol the hardest thing with anxiously-attached is in their 'hot' states they can justify almost anything they do--and then further justify the aftermath. Anyway thanks & good luck
Lotsgoingon Posted May 11, 2023 Posted May 11, 2023 (edited) If you have trouble with uncertainty, then don't have sex within the first month--or until the relationship and commitment has been agreed on explicitly by you and the other person. Having sex was probably your way to get past the uncertainty. It doesn't work. You can't get love from early sex. Just doesn't work that way. Go slower--hug and kiss if you want, but no sex. That will allow you to think more clearly and not get invested until you are sure the other person is invested. Edited May 11, 2023 by Lotsgoingon 1
Author lolipops010 Posted May 12, 2023 Author Posted May 12, 2023 So after three days leaving my last message on read (context: he sent a a couple of check-in messages, I replied in a polite but positive way, ended with a question about his new project), this guy made a reappearance. He acted as if nothing had happened and texted with the same old excitement/enthusiasm & curiosity, asking how's my project going, hoping that I've made good progress, and excited to read it (as we previously discusses that I would like to have him take a look at my writings - we are both writers of some sort). Not sure how I should react to this. TBH I was almost out of the grieving period and about to let go of this person forever for my own best sake. I could, however, replied (after like maybe 8-12 hours? Leave him hanging for a bit?) in the same easy, relax, fun way. But really not sure where this is going. Thoughts?
Wiseman2 Posted May 12, 2023 Posted May 12, 2023 30 minutes ago, lolipops010 said: He acted as if nothing had happened and texted with the same old excitement/enthusiasm & curiosity, asking how's my project going, hoping that I've made good progress, and excited to read it. Leave him hanging for a bit? It's good you heard from him. Did he reply to your messages? Do you want to get together to date or work on your project? If so reply in a timely manner and set that up. Try not to stall answering if you would like to get together. It serves no purpose other than confusing game-playing. He's treating this as casual but that was both your understanding of it, so contacting you "as if nothing happened" is fine because nothing did happen except he took a while to get back to you. All you can do is reply to him and get together or let him know you've moved on.
JTSW Posted May 12, 2023 Posted May 12, 2023 40 minutes ago, lolipops010 said: I could, however, replied (after like maybe 8-12 hours? Leave him hanging for a bit?) in the same easy, relax, fun way. But really not sure where this is going. Thoughts? Do play games. It won't get you anywhere.
Gaeta Posted May 12, 2023 Posted May 12, 2023 1 hour ago, lolipops010 said: So after three days leaving my last message So after 3 days and on a Friday he bounce back....and no mention of doing something together over the weekend? Like l said, he may come back but because he has nothing else. I would not pursue
Author lolipops010 Posted May 12, 2023 Author Posted May 12, 2023 32 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Did he reply to your messages? Do you want to get together to date or work on your project? Nope, he ignored my question (and this is not the first time he does this... happened a few times before and I was honestly not very comfortable with that). Did not propose to meet up (assuming that he is probably still in the aftershock of me "pursuing/chasing him too much" hence wants to keep it casual/easy). Regardless, I guess I could reply but "match his energy" as you said - relax, fun, etc. But at the same time I am not quite sure if he is respectful of me as a person. I guess I will give it a bit time to think and see if he reached out again.
Author lolipops010 Posted May 12, 2023 Author Posted May 12, 2023 8 minutes ago, Gaeta said: he may come back but because he has nothing else. Lol, this made me feel so bad tbh. Like "am I that worthless to you?" But meanwhile I know my worth and I don't want to settle for this
Author lolipops010 Posted May 12, 2023 Author Posted May 12, 2023 36 minutes ago, JTSW said: Do play games. It won't get you anywhere. Do, or don't?
Wiseman2 Posted May 12, 2023 Posted May 12, 2023 (edited) 20 minutes ago, lolipops010 said: I guess I could reply but "match his energy" If he's upsetting you to this extent, it may be better to cut your losses and tell him you're not a match. Why drag it out with protracted stalled messages or playing games. This is much more casual for him and unfortunately you seem to be overinvesting and overanalyzing things. If he's already giving you headaches and heartaches, why bother with him? You've only been on a few dates in a couple of months dating, he's not a BF Edited May 12, 2023 by Wiseman2
JTSW Posted May 12, 2023 Posted May 12, 2023 15 minutes ago, lolipops010 said: Do, or don't? Friday typing lol My apologies, I meant don't.
Alpacalia Posted May 12, 2023 Posted May 12, 2023 The best thing you can do is just be honest. That it feels like too much work and wish him the best.
Versacehottie Posted May 12, 2023 Posted May 12, 2023 3 hours ago, lolipops010 said: So after three days leaving my last message on read (context: he sent a a couple of check-in messages, I replied in a polite but positive way, ended with a question about his new project), this guy made a reappearance. He acted as if nothing had happened and texted with the same old excitement/enthusiasm & curiosity, asking how's my project going, hoping that I've made good progress, and excited to read it (as we previously discusses that I would like to have him take a look at my writings - we are both writers of some sort). Not sure how I should react to this. TBH I was almost out of the grieving period and about to let go of this person forever for my own best sake. I could, however, replied (after like maybe 8-12 hours? Leave him hanging for a bit?) in the same easy, relax, fun way. But really not sure where this is going. Thoughts? he's trying to set a PACE for the relationship that he can deal with. This is the problem when people jump in too much, too fast and sex up front--everything else feels like going backwards and it gets confusing and usually the woman gets dejected or resentful about it. The bolded is what I would recommend doing and what you did. Why do you need to know where it's going? His actions will tell you. You should jump into evaluating mode. And do not clear your schedule for him if he hasn't been in more frequent contact. I can't guarantee that it will work out of course--just like others can't guarantee it will fail. That is usually a more likely scenario for ALL relationships just because most relationships fail or fail to launch. But also add the pressures of the pattern already established and your feelings about it and your anxiety surrounding it and him being worried that you are being too clingy or trying to be in an insta relationship, it adds even more pressure and fragility to the whole thing. If you don't like the vibe or him anymore, then bail. But you owe it to yourself to try to manage your way through it if you do like him and have some chill. I'm going to be honest though--if you're worried "about where things are going" your orientation toward dealing with this is going to be wrong. The quick and easy key is to put yourself into EVALUATING mode: It's the difference between these two questions: *Am I going to get a relationship from this guy? VS. *Do i WANT a relationship with this guy? Aim for the second question, it will solve a lot of your personal struggle. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted May 12, 2023 Posted May 12, 2023 4 hours ago, lolipops010 said: I could, however, replied (after like maybe 8-12 hours? Leave him hanging for a bit?) in the same easy, relax, fun way. In hopes he will like you more? Because the real demonstration of that won't come from you being the fun "cool" girl. It will come by seeing when he bothers to reach out on his own, without any prompting from you.
Alpacalia Posted May 12, 2023 Posted May 12, 2023 Spend some time looking at what you are spending your time on, and on how you are spending it. An ambigous connection with a few insignificant texts that don't seem to give you any joy or fulfillment. Men, in particular, tend to know quickly whether there is potential for a meaningful relationship or not. Refocus your energy on activities that bring you joy and fulfillment. Take a break from the texts and spend time investing in meaningful relationships. 1
Gaeta Posted May 12, 2023 Posted May 12, 2023 3 hours ago, lolipops010 said: Lol, this made me feel so bad tbh. Like "am I that worthless to you?" But meanwhile I know my worth and I don't want to settle for this I am sorry lol, it was not a judgement on you but on his attitude, I've been there too many times, it's always some guy that got real motivated at first and then his attention dropped. It happened to me even without sex involved. These men are often just out of relationships. They meet someone and get all excited and want to spend all of their time with you and then reality hit and they're not ready. I am completely against giving this joe-blow a chance especially he did not come back to you with plans for the weekend. He got back to you only to secure you for sex in a near future...most likely a Tuesday night.
Recommended Posts