Am I being breadcrumbed/slow-faded?

[lolipops010]

I am currently sitting in deep doubts/anxiety so I would greatly appreciate all the help I could get. Thank you in advance!

I met this guy through Hinge about two months ago. When we first met we hit it off perfectly, a lot of sparks & chemistry. Saw each other 5 times in 2 weeks (had sex as well). Then I had to leave the country for a month so I was worried if this would continue, but we maintained consistent communications (although not frequent - texts a couple of times everyday & call/video every other day) during the time I was away. We felt quite engaged in each other's life, and had a "what are you looking for" talk and aligned that we both want a relationship, although we are both busy individuals so we will see how it goes.

When I came back, we didn't get to meet immediately bc he has a wedding to attend that weekend. Met mid-week, it went well but I found it a bit different than before (can't really tell why - he was a bit aloof physically when in public). I told him I'm currently not seeing anyone and do not plan to, asked what he thinks. He said he's so busy rn that he does not have time so no.

We slept over. I didn't hear a word from him the day after. Sent him a message (a movie recommendation related to his recent project), no response for hours (although that had happened before). Felt strange and sent another check-in text later that night, to which he responded immediately and apologized for being extremely busy prepping for this upcoming "big project" he've told me. We exchanged a couple of brief texts and I left him on read bc I felt he wasn't really engaging.

The next two days, radio silence. I know he has another wedding to attend that weekend, but still expected some brief updates from him. Nothing. I couldn't help but text him the third day and see how's everything going. No response. An hour later I was so anxious that I texted again, "confused - are we good? If not happy to talk." To which he replied immediately and said sorry he is at this wedding. And disappeared again.

I was rather pissed off and confused. If he wanted to ghost me, he could do it right then and there. The next day, I asked to talk over the phone. He agreed immediately and apologized "sorry if things have been weird, didn't expect to be so busy". The call was postponed but eventually happened. He apologized for his absence and hope that didn't make me feel strange, and asked how I feel. I told him I was a bit worried and frustrated ofc, and proposed that even if he is busy, would be good to give me a heads up and we can always talk after. He agreed and said feel free to let him know anytime if I feel strange again.

I said would love to see you (as we previously agreed to meet this week). He said yes and just waiting to confirmed his schedule and will let me know. I also said would love to hear from you more about your day, he said yes.

A while after the call I shoot him a thank you note by saying smth like, "i really appreciate it, would love to hear from you more and excited to getting to know you more that way"

To which he responded, rather stoic, "It was great to chat with you too [my name]"

I am very confused. I feel like I don't see much enthusiasm/interest from him anymore and am afraid that I am being breadcrumbed/slow faded. I know I should give him a chance and wait for a week or two, but all my friends & family are asking me to cut him loose RIGHT NOW bc he could hurt me. What should I do??

 

Edited May 9, 2023 by lolipops010
Details correction

[Wiseman2]

41 minutes ago, lolipops010 said:

. Saw each other 5 times in 2 weeks (had sex as well). Then I had to leave the country for a month so I was worried if this would continue, 

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately agree that he's sort of fizzling out. Were you exclusive when you left on vacation?

  It seems he is very busy. Whether it's dating others or something else.

All you can do is stop contacting him or pursuing him and see if he steps up. You've already mentioned the lack of communication so all you can do is observe if you're compatible or want to continue.

[lolipops010]

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately agree that he's sort of fizzling out. Were you exclusive when you left on vacation?

  It seems he is very busy. Whether it's dating others or something else.

All you can do is stop contacting him or pursuing him and see if he steps up. You've already mentioned the lack of communication so all you can do is observe if you're compatible or want to continue.

Thank you for your kind words! No, we didn't discuss exclusivity before I left (I personally felt that would be too early for that), therefore remaining in limbo forever lol

I have this burning desire of breaking it off since I suspect what he said in the phone was just sweet words and there would be no actions followed (he even stressed in the call that he would be "this busy" for a while hence his bad communications may continue - not sure if I should take that as an exit hint), but also fear that I overreact bc he could be just extremely busy. It just kills me sitting in this ambiguity and I was so distracted from my priorities.

[Alpacalia]

I'm sorry. Originally, he was interested in dating you, but that's not the case anymore because he has dropped out and is concentrating on other aspects of his life and has no interest in dating you anymore. I know it's hard to hear, but it's the truth. I hope you can understand his decision and move on.

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, lolipops010 said:

I am very confused. I feel like I don't see much enthusiasm/interest from him anymore and am afraid that I am being breadcrumbed/slow faded. I know I should give him a chance and wait for a week or two, but all my friends & family are asking me to cut him loose RIGHT NOW bc he could hurt me. What should I do??

It reads to me like he's doing a slow fade and trying to be nice about it by using nice words instead of being direct so he doesn't hurt your feelings.  Men do that in hopes you'll get the message and fade away.  It seems you guys had a little fling but he isn't pushing for it to go further even though you are.  You need to stop reaching out to him so much and wait to see if and when he reaches out to you to make a plan to see you.  Basically I'd stop chasing him and let him be.  My goodness he has a lot of weddings to attend.  It sounds like bull to me.

[lolipops010]

2 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

I'm sorry. Originally, he was interested in dating you, but that's not the case anymore because he has dropped out and is concentrating on other aspects of his life and has no interest in dating you anymore. I know it's hard to hear, but it's the truth. I hope you can understand his decision and move on.

That's what I thought too. But I just don't know how to decipher the call we had last night, during which he appeared understanding, attentive, sorry, and expressed a willingness to work on the communications (at least that's how I felt on the spot, although haven't seen any changes yet but it's only the second day). I am debating if I should just break it off and tell him this is not working out, etc.

[stillafool]

9 minutes ago, lolipops010 said:

during which he appeared understanding, attentive, sorry, and expressed a willingness to work on the communications (at least that's how I felt on the spot, although haven't seen any changes yet but it's only the second day).

This is because he is being nice but as you can see he hasn't made any changes, he's backing off.  You are requesting his time as if you guys are already in a relationship.  It's too much for him and he's probably also seeing other women.

[Versacehottie]

I agree that it sounds like fading and because you are chasing him...effectively as I would see it in his shoes, you are showing him the "not-so-fun" parts of a relationship before he's actually TRULY decided to be in a relationship. I would seriously back off.  and for next time, I think you need to let a guy chase you/pin you down rather than vice versa. Take it slower for a lot of reasons. As is said on this site a lot, it's more important to see a person's actions rather than what they "say" they are looking for.  That will unfold typically over a bit more time and Idk an insta-relationship--even for those that may want a relationship ultimately is too much. Generally, people need to get used to the idea of it and how you are going to fit into their lives and sort of on their own, adjust their priorities. It can happen "fast" of  course but 2 weeks is really fast on the spectrum.  Also he's not "sold" on the idea yet because his actions reflect that. Lastly, sort of having a talk with him probably feels like a lecture--and is exactly what would drive him away from committing to a relationship with you. I'm not saying you shouldn't speak up but IMO this was not how/when to do it----it's disproportionate to what the relationship "really" is.

Pull way back...Don't punish him for it but live as if you have other priorities as well. I agree with whoever said it was too much. Good luck

[Blind-Sided]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

All you can do is stop contacting him or pursuing him and see if he steps up. You've already mentioned the lack of communication so all you can do is observe if you're compatible or want to continue.

I agree with @Wiseman2 on this. Don't pursue so much.  It's really kind of a turn off for most guys.  Stay in touch enough to let him know you are there.... but leave him wondering  enough to miss you. Sometimes feelings come out that he didn't even know about. 

2 hours ago, lolipops010 said:

Thank you for your kind words! No, we didn't discuss exclusivity before I left (I personally felt that would be too early for that), therefore remaining in limbo forever lol

I have this burning desire of breaking it off since I suspect what he said in the phone was just sweet words and there would be no actions followed (he even stressed in the call that he would be "this busy" for a while hence his bad communications may continue - not sure if I should take that as an exit hint), but also fear that I overreact bc he could be just extremely busy. It just kills me sitting in this ambiguity and I was so distracted from my priorities.

DO not break it off... that would be a rash thing to do.  Remember... you were the one who left for a while, and since you really only started dating prior to that... you will have to reconnect. 

Right now, I'm sort of the guy in your story. I had to break up with my last GF because I caught her cheating. I reached out to a lot of friends in my past... one was an old GF from 27 years ago. We met, and had a lot of fun... but I never meant it to be anything other than some fun.  She was just recently divorced... but we lived FAR apart. (1200 miles)   She wanted to come out to visit.... and everything felt forced to me.  While I absolutely enjoy her company, and having a girl around... I just felt pressured into making her feel a certain way.  I eventually came out at told her that there was not a "Spark" there.  She was upset, but we talked.  I don't want to lose her as a friend.... and every time I open the door a little.... she starts acting like we are a couple.   Because I like her.... it could happen eventually... but it has to not feel forced.  Right now... I hate that it feels like I HAVE TO CALL her in the evenings or she will get upset. It needs to be that I WANT to call her.  

ANyway... reading your post just reminds me of where I'm at in life right now.  Things were fun... you left... and now you want to pick up right where you left off. If he is honestly busy.... then don't force it. Your txt's should be "Hope you had a productive day".... and not "Will you call me later?"  One in friendly, and once is an obligation. 

Oh... and while the comment of "I'm not seeing anyone else" is normally a good thing... it is honestly one more thing that feels like an obligation if he is still figuring it out. 

My 2 cents... take it for what it's worth. 

Edited May 9, 2023 by Blind-Sided

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, lolipops010 said:

That's what I thought too. But I just don't know how to decipher the call we had last night, during which he appeared understanding, attentive, sorry, and expressed a willingness to work on the communications (at least that's how I felt on the spot, although haven't seen any changes yet but it's only the second day). I am debating if I should just break it off and tell him this is not working out, etc.

He was bound to respond in that manner and you sought him out.

Words are not a promise of his intentions. What do his actions show? Take note.

You're not even dating.

Just move on.

[flow28]

He used 'busy' enough times already. That's what they say when they're not that into you. A man who's interested would never use that word because he wouldn't want you to think that he doesn't care. Accept that he's lost interest and never message him again.

[ShyViolet]

Trust your gut.  It definitely sounds like he is losing interest.  His communication is a lot more cold and distant than it was in the beginning.  Do not put yourself in a position of desperation and chasing.... always asking him if everything is "ok" and saying that you want to see him more.  That is not going to make him more interested.  Honestly you should stop wasting your time with this.  Don't chase people who aren't interested in you.  Have more self-respect than that.

[OurLoveTurnsToRust]

He could just be playing the aloof game, he knows you're hooked and is simply enhancing his perceived worth.  Also, men need a revving up period after having sex, they may go cold for a bit after then pursue again, you need to lay off a bit, let him be, when he comes back around, you'll know his interest level, he may just not like constant communication, a lot of guys don't, it's a turnoff.

[NuevoYorko]

8 hours ago, lolipops010 said:

That's what I thought too. But I just don't know how to decipher the call we had last night, during which he appeared understanding, attentive, sorry, and expressed a willingness to work on the communications (at least that's how I felt on the spot, although haven't seen any changes yet but it's only the second day). I am debating if I should just break it off and tell him this is not working out, etc.

You don't need to decipher the call.  Just go by his actions.  That is the ONLY thing that is important.  

I found it interesting that you wrote, after he had not contacted you for 2 days:  "I was rather pissed off and confused. If he wanted to ghost me, he could do it right then and there."   

But, "The next day, I asked to talk over the phone". 

So you did not actually allow him the opportunity to ghost you.

I'm not saying you necessarily should have, but you most definitely have been chasing him.  Ever since you came back from your trip, you have been coming on kind of strong.  That's not wrong per se.  What I think happened, though, is that you both got kind of "relationshippy" after your initial dates and sex.  Then you went away and you acted like a couple with the regular (and yes, frequent) multiple daily texts plus video and phone calls while you were gone.  

So when you came back it was going to be an insta - relationship ... or else, one of you was going to have to backpedal.  Which is what he has done.

Maybe if you step completely back and give him the space to decide whether he is ready to be your boyfriend right now or not - he might come around.   Probably though that ship has sailed.

There is no saying whether this could have been different if you didn't have to leave for a month, or if you didn't rush into couple behavior when you were gone.   Personally I think that was a mistake, but still, no saying whether both of you would have felt that you were compatible had that not occurred.

[ExpatInItaly]

I have to echo the others that he seems to be losing interest. 

When you have to chase someone down and convince them to get in touch more, you're dating the wrong person. 

[lolipops010]

10 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

What I think happened, though, is that you both got kind of "relationshippy" after your initial dates and sex.  Then you went away and you acted like a couple with the regular (and yes, frequent) multiple daily texts plus video and phone calls while you were gone. 

Thank you. This is the missing puzzle. He did initiate that, although I understand things (and feelings) change.

In hindsight that I am out of my "craziness" now, yes I wish I could be more chill and just pull away. He did come back and text me yesterday, more of just checking in and ask how's your day etc., to which I replied in a normal way (as in not pushy, just politely with a positive energy). He did not reply. I think I got my answer. I will walk away, now.

[Versacehottie]

4 hours ago, lolipops010 said:

Thank you. This is the missing puzzle. He did initiate that, although I understand things (and feelings) change.

In hindsight that I am out of my "craziness" now, yes I wish I could be more chill and just pull away. He did come back and text me yesterday, more of just checking in and ask how's your day etc., to which I replied in a normal way (as in not pushy, just politely with a positive energy). He did not reply. I think I got my answer. I will walk away, now.

Do you want to walk away? If you don't, then don't. I think what's a problem with this idea above (about walking away) is that you are seeing dating him in only black or white, ie if it's not full on, then it's off...if a mistake is made, then it's off. You could leave this situation with him and start a new relationship but if you apply the same logic, it's also bound to fail.  You need IMO to figure out how to manage yourself throughout the initial stages where there is always uncertainty. And remain positive and secure. 

Also if he texted you yesterday, it's not necessarily over just yet BUT I would say even though you sort of pleaded for more communication and seem to be getting something, what he did yesterday with texting you is not the right thing for either of you because it feels lackluster. I think if you were talking less but in each interaction he was reminded of how much fun it is to be with you that's a better read. Tough to do in this current situation TBH.....And realistically he might be over it but just going through the motions as he's moved you to the back burner in his mind. You can give the appearance that he is chasing you or switch the dynamic by when he is checking in with you (which is what it is and sucks the life out of things), be sort of on the run or that you've got stuff going on. I wouldn't completely make it up but be engaged with your life whatever is going on---this doesn't mean be rude or dismissive toward him but still transfer that excitement in talking to him for a short moment and then say something vague like we should catch up soon. Then you are letting him off the hook from your communication lecture, show that you aren't going to be a stage 5 clinger (which I can almost guarantee he was worried about and rightly so), and if he likes you genuinely you are showing a more confident, fun side. Also the comment "we should catch up soon" could mean a longer texting convo, a phone convo, FT or going out/seeing each other in person. What you want in the seeing in person option--but DO not ask for it...Let him ask. Keep everything short and SWEET, FUN until you get that ask. And then fun on a date but no heavy talk. That's where people usually are at 2 weeks in (2 months in even!!!) and that's the reset you need.

[NuevoYorko]

I agree with @Versacehottie - if you would like to keep dating this guy you certainly don't need to "walk away."  Just stop chasing him and see where things go.   Keep your expectations manageable and let him take initiative, or not.

[Versacehottie]

Hopefully my post makes sense...sometimes--especially if I'm in a rush--I don't make sense

Anyway, I would recommend, OP, not being so fatalistic about things. If that is your underlying thought, it's off or it's on, no wonder you would both rush in too much, too soon and not let things unfold naturally...and also create/participate in a dynamic where essentially you are behaving as if you are already IN the relationship or chasing him.  For your own sake, and to flip that dynamic, it helps to be able to conduct yourself in the grey area....like whether or not you will end up in a relationship is dependent on how things unfold, how he treats you, if you find that you are compatible--which naturally most people wouldn't know 5 dates/2weeks in. 

I always think sex too soon confuses the issue. It can work for some people of course and I'm certain it's not the only thing going on here...but because it's a tangible marker people will often default to saying that is THE issue. That said, it does speed things up unnaturally where there are now false expectations of how close you two are going to be, or how much time is going to be spent together etc, that perhaps once person sees it differently than the other. So then there is disappointment or a feeling of it moving BACKWARD or that as you said, it's all over/I'm gonna quit etc. BTW, I'm not letting him off the hook for his part in the false speed up or whatever but you can only control yourself so it makes no sense to discuss the blame on him--only make sense to learn from a very common dynamic that might occur in your life again, especially if you were to follow the same pattern--thinking or blaming this guy, when it's the pattern itself, in part perpetuated by yourself that is likely to keep giving you similar results. Lol there is a reason why this is a common theme in memes, jokes, tv or movie scenes and a million stories among friends and here on this site. It's a super common issue. 

While I don't think girls need to play "hard to get", there is definitely something about managing how you control access of who you let into your life and how quickly. It "says" something to others when you are so easily accessible--perhaps people who don't know you well will get the wrong impression and think you don't have a very full or valuable life; they might even deduce from that and the chasing or desperation that you have a lesser value than you actually do. I do think people value and respect what is a little less accessible. You want to qualify people for entry into your life rather than throw the doors open and then sort of become representative of this new burden on their shoulders that they have to manage and drop other priorities for. It may not mean what you meant to do but moving too fast often gives that impression. If you were a little more on the fence about this guy and he came on like a freight train, you'd probably be feeling this same feeling. Ok good luck

[Alpacalia]

This isn't a gray area.

This is being brushed off.

 Bring it up, be direct, and feel free to move on.

[Gaeta]

On 5/9/2023 at 7:14 AM, lolipops010 said:

When we first met we hit it off perfectly, a lot of sparks & chemistry. Saw each other 5 times in 2 weeks (had sex as well).

This was your first red flag. Too much too soon and nothing left to the imagination, no space for living in the anticipation. Even when we're hit by sparks  & chemestry it's good to not rush. For us women we bond over a lot of time spent together, men bond over our absence between dates. They need space to court us, and come up with plans to win us over. 

 

On 5/9/2023 at 7:14 AM, lolipops010 said:

I told him I'm currently not seeing anyone and do not plan to, asked what he thinks. He said he's so busy rn that he does not have time so no.

His answer was extremely weak. He's not dating others because he's busy? I would have lost all interest in him on the spot. 

Forget this guy. He's not interested anymore. Wait for a man that will talk the alk and walk the walk. Also take your time when you meet someone even if you feel chemistry.

When l met my boyfriend the sky openned above our heads! It was magic! Even if we had time we only had 1 date a week the first month. Real dates, not *hangning* at each others place. It's even him that sugested we wait for sex because he's a smart man and he knew it was better for *him* to create an emotional bond first. 

I'm sorry he disappointed you. 

[Versacehottie]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

This isn't a gray area.

This is being brushed off.

 Bring it up, be direct, and feel free to move on.

I can only assume you are referencing my comment about "grey"...And since you've misunderstood what I meant, I will explain: I mean that the OP is not comfortable in the uncertain or "grey" area.  

Lol, I know I'm not clear sometimes but my comment about grey is in no way in reference to what I think the outcome of her trying to date this guy is going to be--in fact, I said that is going to be tough (implied by what has already gone on). 

If you are going to debate comments contributors make, it sure would help if you read or understood what they are in reference to. I, personally, try not to debate others (other than the OP's thought patterns) for this very reason. It comes off as antagonist--especially when you've misunderstood. I know sometimes I'm hard to understand but the grey has come up enough in my 2 posts that in context alone, it's not that hard.

 

[Alpacalia]

8 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

I can only assume you are referencing my comment about "grey"...And since you've misunderstood what I meant, I will explain: I mean that the OP is not comfortable in the uncertain or "grey" area.  

Lol, I know I'm not clear sometimes but my comment about grey is in no way in reference to what I think the outcome of her trying to date this guy is going to be--in fact, I said that is going to be tough (implied by what has already gone on). 

If you are going to debate comments contributors make, it sure would help if you read or understood what they are in reference to. I, personally, try not to debate others (other than the OP's thought patterns) for this very reason. It comes off as antagonist--especially when you've misunderstood. I know sometimes I'm hard to understand but the grey has come up enough in my 2 posts that in context alone, it's not that hard.

 

Sorry about that. 

There's a lot of good advice in your post.

While I agree that it is important to understand what someone is saying before debating a point, I don't think it is fair to assume that everyone else has the same level of understanding as you. People may have different interpretations or thoughts about the content, and it is important to acknowledge that and be open to different perspectives.

Our dear OP seems to have liked to have seen where this could have gone, but really wants to be with someone who is at a place in their life where they want a more serious and consistent relationship.

[lolipops010]

@VersacehottieThank you, thank you, thank you!!

I read every of your words (and in fact, want to print them out and put it on my nightstand... lol) and agree that the speed was unnatural from the very beginning. There was a lot of future talking (from his side), i.e. trips we could take together, visiting my hometown (which is on the other side of the world! ffs), for which I should take as a red flag. Sex happened rather natural (but too fast, again) just bc how much sparks there was. Anyways, definitely a lot of valuable takeaways from this short-live situationship.

He still hasn't replied to my last message and I don't plan to follow up either. Not do I plan to have a "closure" or send a break-off message as I originally planned to. I think I will just plainly leave it there, and take no more action unless he reached out again. But for now I don't have any hope and had done my reflection & ready-ish to move on - I realize he most likely not able to give me what I need/want (consistent communications, time, commitment, and most importantly - time to even let these things naturally happen & build up, although that's partially my fault)

I do really appreciate your suggestion on being comfortable in the uncertainty/grey zone. This has been something I struggled with since I have anxious attachment style. But working on it!

[lolipops010]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

This was your first red flag. Too much too soon and nothing left to the imagination, no space for living in the anticipation. Even when we're hit by sparks  & chemestry it's good to not rush. For us women we bond over a lot of time spent together, men bond over our absence between dates. They need space to court us, and come up with plans to win us over. 

 

Definitely agree to this and thank you for adding another missing puzzle! Another valuable takeaway that I could use for future dating journeys