Is it Love or Emotional Dependency?

[Jeannie]

Is it Love or Emotional Dependency? Here's some interesting info that's helped me a little with my breakup (I'm on month five of NC). I've been struggling with grief, anger, insecurity and feelings that change daily from "I hate him it's over!" to "I've got to get him back NOW before it's too late!"

 

This is interesting and helped me see a new perspective on things - maybe it will help all of you too. This was emailed to me so I thought I'd pass it along.

 

Ok, when it feels as if you can't live without the other person, it is emotional dependency. The part of you that is "in love" is really a child or adolescent who is needy for love because you are not giving love to yourself or to others. There is an emptiness inside that you expect someone else to fill, because you are not taking responsibility for your own feelings of self-worth. You are attaching your worth to another's love, which is why you can't live without that person.

 

When you fall in love as a loving adult instead of as a wounded, needy child or adolescent, your need for the relationship is totally different. As a loving adult, you have learned how to fill yourself with love and define your own worth. Instead of needing someone to fill you and make you feel lovable and worthy, you already feel worthy and full of love.

 

You experience this inner fullness because you have learned how to take full responsibility for your own feelings and needs, and you have learned to fill yourself with love. This fullness overflows and you want to share this love with another person, another loving adult who is also filled with love. Your desire is to share love rather than to get love.

 

The kind of person you will pick will be totally different when a loving adult is choosing than when your wounded self is choosing. The people we pick have a similar level of woundedness and a similar level of emotional health. Obviously, the more you have done your inner work to connect with Divine Love and bring that love within to take loving care of yourself, the more you will be attracted to someone also does this.

 

**** THIS BELOW MAKES ALOT OF SENSE*****

When you pick from your wounded self (emotional dependency), you will pick someone whom you believe wants the job of filling you up. The problem is that the other person may be attempting to fill you up in the hopes that you will also fill him up. Two people who each want to get love rather than share love will eventually find themselves very disappointed with each other. They will each blame the other for not loving them in the way they want to be loved. When relationships break up, it is often because one or both partners are not taking responsibility for their own feelings and self-worth and are blaming the other for their resulting unhappiness.

 

If you are so attached to someone that you feel you can't live without that person, try learning to give to yourself and others what it is you want from this person. Your job is to become the person to yourself that you want the other person to be. Then you will be able to be "in love" rather than "in need." You will be able to love another person for who he is rather than for what this person can do for you. Instead of needing to get love, you can give love from the heart for the joy of it and feel filled in the giving.

[JosiePosie]

After reading your post, I can definitely see myself, my ex, and our relationship. We both came from devastating break-ups (ironically, they happened at the same time). And looking at it now, we both thought we were ready for something new...something so much better. In some ways it was way better than our previous exes, at the same time...we were so wanting to be in a relationship that we threw ourselves into it. It became seriously quickly and I believe it is one of the factors in our break-up.

 

I know for myself, I have some emotional healing and growing up to do. Although it has been agonizing to leave my ex-bf, it was getting to be suffocating and borderline abusive. He needed space and I needed someone to hold me (I was going through family tragedies), the tension and heartache was getting to be too much. I left before it worsened.

 

It is almost two months now, and I find myself weeping like a child intensely at times. A couple of times I even called out for my mommy or daddy. I know that sounds weird, but that's how vulnerable and hurt I feel at times. I will be turning 35 in February, and I don't want to be still carrying all this ex-boyfriend(s) crap at that time. So in the meantime, I see a counsellor, attend support group meetings, read the Bible, pray, read inspiring literature, and visit websites such as this constantly. I seem to learn a little bit each day.

[FWIW]

That's definitely the kind of thinking you do when you're still hurting and trying to heal a broken heart! When you're over someone and back to normal, you won't think in those terms. When you're happy in your own skin again you won't be 'emotionally needy' any more. It *IS* useful though, to bear this in mind and be wary of future partners who may be needy in this way. I don't want to get involved with someone who desperately wants someone (i.e. anyone!) rather than wanting ME for who I actually am.

[chocolate_boy]

My ex told me she wanted to break-up when I was angry at her, she thought I was going to end it and then she realised she could actually live without me...

 

She said to be in a relationship she has to NEED the person, and when she realised she didn't need me, she saw no future for us.

 

Bummer eh?

[In Sync]

thank you for this post...I recognized myself completely. Its been since April that the guy I was with broke it off. In my mind it was I was in love but in his mind it wasn't. After he broke it off I thought I could not live..the feeling was so intense. Either way emotional dependency or addiction, it's taken up to recently to realize how much I needed to be emotionally dependent on myself.

It was doomed from the beginning my relationship with him, I see it now, because I looked for him to get that love. And the more he didn't give it back the more I would feel wounded an hurt like a child and blaming him for my unhappiness. I completely ignored other areas in my life because he was my central focus.

I am curious though, I don't think my partner was as needy for me as I was for him, because he did eventually break the bond I developed for him. (oh it was awful how much I depended on him as my be all, lover and best friend) So you can imagine how I felt when he cut the ties. AGONIZING.

On hindsight why did I chose a partner who was so unavailable to me since I was so needy, any insight to that? And my other question is it possible he was needy to because he enjoyed that I lavished so much attention on him. Although we haven't communicated and nor has it been complete NC, he still occassionally sends an e-mail. I don't respond as I had in the past but it was two people in the relationship what needs were he seeking from me to meet?

[Jeannie]

With my ex he was the needy one right off the bat. He said so many things to me early in our relationship that really caused the red flags to go up. He told me he loved me way too soon, proposed marriage 3 months after we started dating and to me it all seemed fake.

 

Before we started dating he had a relationship where he met this girl at a bar, proposed 3 weeks later and she moved in with him. Six months later she moved out.

 

When we got together the pressure for committment was too much for me. He wanted too much too soon and he smothered me constantly with his need for attention. He didn't seem to be focused on me at all - he was focused on filling a void in his life. He said things like "I want things to be settled". He berrated me for not cooking enough meals for him, not coming over to his house enough - if I didn't want to spend the night I endured the silent treatment. It was suffocating - I wanted our relationship to progress naturally - instead he was forcing me to become his next wife.

 

I have a teenage son and to uproot him and change his life requires a man who can be a role model and a father to him as well as my husband and life partner. My ex seemed to act like my son was in the way. Mind you he has a son the same age who can do no wrong.

 

So I realized my ex was only thinking of himself and filling his needs and voids. He wanted June Cleaver in his house taking care of his needs, cooking, cleaning and being a homemaker. When I asked him for anything he couldn't give it to me.

 

Emotionally I was getting alot of touchy feely I love you's from him but when I was upset or something bothered me - he could care less. It was all an act to suck me into marrying him to fill his void. He would never be my best friend or be there for me emotionally - but yet he expected me to do everything for him in return.

 

He'll repeat this pattern in every relationship he gets in because he's worrying more about what other people think of him not being married than being a good supportive mate.

 

I've realized this and I realize breaking up with him has been tough because I miss his attention and him always trying to "win" me. He realized he couldn't talk me into a fast marriage so he suddenly turned and dumped me and I haven't heard a word from him in 5 months.

 

I became addicted to his emotional neediness and miss that - but in reality that's all I miss - the relationship wasn't normal and his history of being desperate for a wife will repeat itself. I have to break free of that - he didn't want ME - he just wanted a wife - any wife - to cater to his needs and fill that "void".

 

I want way more from a partner. I want someone who respects me, who is my best friend and who makes me feel good when I'm with them.

 

I deserve it and I refuse to settle. I'd like to be married and settled myself but I will not be pressured into it. I've got to know it's a 50/50 partnership. It's taken me a long time to think maturely and wisely - this hasn't come easy!

[JohnJohn]

Hey Jeannie. I just had a major relapse in my situation this past weekend and was tempted to break NC, but I haven't. Your situation is strikingly similar to mine. She wanted a boyfriend and I came along and fit the role. She didn't talk about marriage, but pushed the relationship along fast like any emotional abuser/narcissist does. It was all about her and her needs, never mine.

 

This is a great thread you started and I know I have some emotional dependancy issues as well. I think working on ourselves is the best thing we can do right now. It's hard not to look back and miss what we had, even though it was not healthy. I know the right things to do but sometimes find it difficult to do.

[bendit]

I don't respond as I had in the past but it was two people in the relationship what needs were he seeking from me to meet?

 

IS you may wish to check out the book "he's scared she's scared." In your case, althought I don't know your situation completely, from what I do know, you may have been attracted to the externalities of your relationship: the idea that he was younger, had charisma, was popular?, good looking. ladies man, alpha male I could go on. But as you get drawn in and the ego starts to get gratified and that repeats during the honeymoon phase, you forget to think about whether this person makes sense as a real partner. We can't be rational anymore and lose perspective.

 

Now, perhaps its very clear that he really could never have been an ideal long term partner. See above for the reasons. As for him, if his is a N, they are a bottomless pit of needs. Usually, they can be found with people who are giving them a lot of attention, putting them first, lots of adoration, getting enmeshed in his issues, putting him up on the pedestal, etc. They leave when they get a sense the jig is up and you've figured out what's been happening and they like to move first. They hate to be dumped and they move on in a flash, quickly seeking the replacement who isn't on to them yet.

 

But you were fulfilling his unending needs, at least for a time. But once they sense that you are beginning to see what's behind the curtain, they then start acting on their contingency plans. Their love is very much surface level and perhaps much of it simply an act. How else can they move on so quickly when we are left a heap on the side of the road? They never experienced the deep feelings we felt We are objects to be used by them, nothing more.

 

regards

[In Sync]

It's shocking how in deep I was into him...I mean my mind was just taken over by being with him and wanting him. And now I see how I truly was operating from this deep need. I was addicted and as you correctly put

bendit, lost my perspective. I didn't care whether he was nice anymore I just want him. And justified I could make him be nice to me if I tried hard enough.

The part of you that is "in love" is really a child or adolescent who is needy for love because you are not giving love to yourself or to others

 

Yes, I look back and see I was like a child clinging to the last bit of hope fro love, no matter how verbally abusive he was. My confidence level was very low and he became my mirror. It's not easy to confronts the truth when you just break up but I'm glad now to find out about myself and how I reacted at a given situation without beating myself but with understanding. It's helpful in my healing process to this day.