I want my her back in my life, is all hope lost?

[Apollodanny]

I would like to know if there is still some hope (even if it's small) to get her back in my life. My gf (27 F) of 5 years broke up with me by mid Feb. First of all, it was my fault for making her wait too much. We already had prior discussion on goals and timeframes. I stupidly fell asleep, didn't notice time was slipping by and I would lose her one day.

I've tried to get her back. Two weeks ago I took my day off (went to the jewelry store the day before), headed to the airport early in the morning, tried to stop her from taking the plane to another state, asked her the question (it was sincere) but it was a futile attempt. She immediately declined, told me she wanted nothing from me. This was her reply that I'll never forget: 'I've never seen you taking major actions until now. Why now?

I don't know what more I can do. I've tried my best to make her reconsider and not take the plane. She still walked away, declined my proposal (even when it was blue sapphire, her favorite) and I watched hopelessly as the plane took off. She's going to walk down the aisle and have kids with someone else. I must admit this makes me jealous and sad at once. I can be that man, not someone else. I wish she came back. I don't mind asking her again and again until she says yes. Is everything lost or is there some hope?

What will it take for her to come back, to give me this last time, to say yes to me? It was a blue sapphire ring, her favorite but she declined it. I can be that man she always wanted. Is all hope lost? Did I really lose her? I want her back. I'm just sad right now.

[Blind-Sided]

 

31 minutes ago, Apollodanny said:

I would like to know if there is still some hope (even if it's small) .......

..... This was her reply that I'll never forget: 'I've never seen you taking major actions until now. Why now?
 

I'm afraid there is no coming back from this one.  You were with her for 5 years, and I'm assuming things were good other than you not wanting to commit to her.  After 5 years.... if you loved her, then you should have given her the life she was looking for.  The last question to you, from her was one she knew the answer to.  You only did it out of fear of losing her. 

I'm sorry to be brutally honest... but I've watched this happen to two people in my life. One was a story like yours... and one was already a marriage. The divorce happened after the chance to change was given.  He became lazy in the effort, and really only was looking out for himself.  He said he would change, and he was forgiven.  But just a couple months later.... he went back to how he was. He didn't want to spend time with her because he thought "He had her".  He soon found out that he was wrong. 

I would say there could be some hope... but if she truly got on a plane, and moved away... she is serious.  Let her go.  It will hurt for a while, but in time, you will be a better person.

I wish you piece moving forward. 

 

[basil67]

Not noticing that time was slipping by is simply not a believable reason.  It doesn’t take responsibility for your inaction, hence you not being able to appreciate how serious she is in walking away.

Im interested in the REAL reason. Did  you take her for granted?  Or did you have a secret aversion to marriage?  Given that you’d spoken about the future, I would imagine that she’d given you some idea of her ideal timeline.  Did you take much longer than her ideal timeline?

what really happened?
 

 

[Lotsgoingon]

You gotta tell us more. Many times there is good reason for a breakup--for her and for you. 

Just saying you're sorry and messed up is not evidence you know how to behave in the future. Knowing how to behave in the future is not evidence that you can carry out such behavior in a day-to-day way. So she should not get back with you unless something major has changed in your behavior.

You have to tell us what that is. Usually the person in your situation is just sorta addicted to the past partner. It's often best to just move on. But if you want to better suggestions, you gotta spill the details. 

Edited May 7, 2023 by Lotsgoingon

[Apollodanny]

11 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Not noticing that time was slipping by is simply not a believable reason.  It doesn’t take responsibility for your inaction, hence you not being able to appreciate how serious she is in walking away.

Im interested in the REAL reason. Did  you take her for granted?  Or did you have a secret aversion to marriage?  Given that you’d spoken about the future, I would imagine that she’d given you some idea of her ideal timeline.  Did you take much longer than her ideal timeline?

what really happened?
 

 

I've always had a habit of doing certain things at the last minute but do get them done in the end. I know that's a bad habit and I'm working on fixing it. Yes, I took a great woman for granted. We had a wonderful relationship that I thought things could wait just a bit more. I was never against marriage. I got too comfortable, wasn't used to the idea of the marital vows ''for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health'' public speech done and overall if I would be great in my fatherhood role since my father died of lung cancer long ago when I was just 4 years old, barely remembered him. 

Yes I've exceeded her timeline. I regret it. I was suppose to propose 2 years ago. 

[Apollodanny]

1 hour ago, Blind-Sided said:

 

I'm afraid there is no coming back from this one.  You were with her for 5 years, and I'm assuming things were good other than you not wanting to commit to her.  After 5 years.... if you loved her, then you should have given her the life she was looking for.  The last question to you, from her was one she knew the answer to.  You only did it out of fear of losing her. 

I regret not proposing to her earlier. I really do love her and would give her the life she wanted if she decides to come back. The gate is fully open. I still have the ring. 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Apollodanny said:

Yes I've exceeded her timeline. I regret it. I was suppose to propose 2 years ago. 

The whole time you making her wait, she was losing love and respect.  And by the end, she just had nothing left.  And unfortunately, once that love and respect is gone, it stays gone. 

That said, if you weren't ready to marry, then it's correct to not propose.  Did you discuss your own thoughts on a time line with her and attempt to find compromise?  

[Lotsgoingon]

There was a reason you delayed asking her to get married. A deeper emotional reason. You waited for a reason.

You didn't just take her for granted. You didn't want to get married. Nothing wrong with that. 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Apollodanny said:

 I stupidly fell asleep, didn't notice time was slipping by and I would lose her one day.

If she were the right person for you, you wouldn't have just coasted along on autopilot until she got fed up and left. So in a way, this was the inevitable end of an incompatible situation.

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, Apollodanny said:

We had a wonderful relationship that I thought things could wait just a bit more

Wait...for what? 

You were putting off proposing for some reason. It seems you didn't actually want to, or you would've done so long before now. I don't buy that you were just too comfortable. There was something inside you stopping you from taking that step. 

[Blind-Sided]

7 hours ago, Apollodanny said:

I've always had a habit of doing certain things at the last minute but do get them done in the end. I know that's a bad habit and I'm working on fixing it.

Yes I've exceeded her timeline. I regret it. I was suppose to propose 2 years ago. 

Procrastination is a VERY bad habit. Sometimes doing things "Just in time" is still not good enough. 

OK... you said you were supposed to propose 2 years ago.  I'm guessing you both talked about it, and she was expecting it.  If so... you didn't just lose her because you didn't get a ring at the end... she was expecting it 2 years ago.  So, your first post was not exactly truthful. Knowing that... you are also, in a way, lying to yourself about this being a simple procrastination issue.  In those 2 years... I'm also guessing that the subject came up... so you probably had warning that this was coming.   

7 hours ago, Apollodanny said:

I regret not proposing to her earlier. I really do love her and would give her the life she wanted if she decides to come back. The gate is fully open. I still have the ring. 

You may as well return the ring. In those 2 years... she was stewing, and judging you.  Eventually, she knew you were not the person for her.  She probably made he mind up a year ago.  Because of that... there really isn't a chance of her wanting to come back.  She wants her life to move forward, and she wants a long term commitment.   I totally understand that you are still young, and may not wanted to really get married... and that's fine.  But she did. 

Once again... I'm sorry you allowed it to happen.

[semble]

You don't know what you've got until it's gone.

You were comfortable, you were lazy, you took her for granted. She gave you many opportunities to deliver and you failed.

Now it's too late, even if you did change it's in an attempt to "win her back" because that's what YOU want. She sees right through the selfishness. She knows what she had, and she doesn't want a part of it.

The sooner you accept this, the better you will be in the long run, especially if you change the bad habits- but you've got a lot of work to do. Even now, it's about your wants and needs, not hers. If you were truly a giving, caring person, you would be respecting her wishes and not trying to win her back like some sort of carnival prize.

 

[ShyViolet]

You had your chance, you tried getting her back, and she made it clear that the answer is no.  Now you need to leave her alone.  She gave you a final answer... you need to RESPECT that and not harass her by repeatedly chasing her.  Learn from this and move on.

[Apollodanny]

11 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Wait...for what? 

You were putting off proposing for some reason. It seems you didn't actually want to, or you would've done so long before now. I don't buy that you were just too comfortable. There was something inside you stopping you from taking that step. 

It was mainly my own anxiety about parenthood. I didn't know how I would be like as a father, if I would do a good job in raising our future kids or lack in some areas. I was nervous about fatherhood mainly. I was never against marriage nor kids but nervous about how I would be like as a father. 

Losing her took that fear away. I didn't realize what I had till losing it. I regret making her wait. I won't ever do this again.

Edited May 7, 2023 by Apollodanny

[Lotsgoingon]

The fear would come back if she were to take you back. Momentarily the fear is on pause, but if she got pregnant, your fear would return quite quickly. 

You haven't solved your fears of being a good father just because she's dumped you. What I'm saying is you had your own reasonable reasons for not wanting to marry her and have a family. 

I didn't realize what I had til losing it. I'm not sure---this statement is overrated. If I ever took a relationship for granted, it was because the relationship was basically not satisfying me. I'm just not sure you can snap your fingers and say, "I appreciate her now." Why? Just missing her is not enough. If you got on with your life and met people and hung out with friends and focused on work and on improving yourself, after a while, you wouldn't necessarily miss her. You'd be meeting new people.

I wonder if you have no life outside of this woman, so since she dumped you, there is nothing for you to fall back on. Are you talking to friends about the breakup? Do you have friends? What else besides this woman did you have going on in your life?

 

[basil67]

5 hours ago, Apollodanny said:

It was mainly my own anxiety about parenthood. I didn't know how I would be like as a father, if I would do a good job in raising our future kids or lack in some areas. I was nervous about fatherhood mainly. I was never against marriage nor kids but nervous about how I would be like as a father. 

Losing her took that fear away. I didn't realize what I had till losing it. I regret making her wait. I won't ever do this again.

Did you ever tell her about your fears and discuss why you were taking longer than planned?   Did you start therapy to address your fears?  

[Apollodanny]

21 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

I wonder if you have no life outside of this woman, so since she dumped you, there is nothing for you to fall back on. Are you talking to friends about the breakup? Do you have friends? What else besides this woman did you have going on in your life?

Sometimes I like drawing but it's just a hobby. I don't plan on making a living out of it. I don't like giving too much details about my break-up to people nor post too much on FB. I'm an introvert with selected friends, not many but few trusted ones. After my proposal got rejected, I returned home and got drunk alone. 

[Apollodanny]

21 hours ago, basil67 said:

Did you ever tell her about your fears and discuss why you were taking longer than planned?   Did you start therapy to address your fears?  

No I never told her that. I used to think that as time goes by the fear of fatherhood got solved on its own. No I never went to therapy. After losing her, I don't care about the fear anyone though. After all no one starts knowing how to be a parent. I'm sure everyone starts out as a beginner too. Well I guess only fate and time will tell if she ever comes back. She was the right person and I blew it. I still have the ring though. 

[basil67]

She's not coming back.  It's likely that by the time she left, she was feeling very bitter about having her needs neglected combined with lack of communication on your end.  She's done.

[ExpatInItaly]

On 5/7/2023 at 7:58 PM, Apollodanny said:

Losing her took that fear away

I think it would come right back again if you two were to reconcile. Let's be real, man. That sort of thing doesn't truly disappear overnight. 

It's okay to not want children, OP. I don't either. I am not afraid of motherhood - I simply was never really interested in it. I don't think this is necessarily fear of being a father, but rather something in your gut trying to tell you it's not what you really want. 

 

[JTSW]

Don't keep proposing to her.

She said no. She's done.

Have some self respect now and accept it.

[Wiseman2]

On 5/8/2023 at 4:34 PM, Apollodanny said:

. After my proposal got rejected, I returned home and got drunk alone. 

It's ok to feel down and upset after a breakup. In time you'll realize you weren't ready. Otherwise you wouldn't have stalled and sabotaged the relationship. The airport scene was panicking that she's leaving. It doesn't mean you're any more ready now than you were before.