Check In - How Are You Doing?

[Kengne]

Hey y'all!

 

I tht it'd be a good idea to start a check-in post, for all those going through (or those who have gone thru) the pain of a break-up. Maybe this could be a central post to pinpoint some things that have helped us heal, and things NOT to do... so we don't have to go reading 1001 posts to get the info.

 

For me:

 

It has been almost 3 weeks post-breakup. He initiated the breakup, after 5 mths. If you want to know the story - check my other thread entitled "Why Does it Hurt?" But that's not the point of this post:

 

The point is - today I am feeling GOOD!

 

I have almost stopped wondering (well at least 70% of the time) - what did I do wrong, how could I have done things different, what's gonna happen in the future, are we gonna get back? etc.... It was hard to break the vicious cycle of destructive thinking, but I have almost done it.

 

What helped me?

 

1. When I would think about him or the situation - I would literally, FORCE myself to think of smth else. I'd stop what I was doing - tell myself "Kengne - thinking like this is gonne take you NOWHERE and change NOTHING - SO STOP!" Sometimes I'd have to do this several times in a row... but with repetition I have to do it less and less as it becomes easier to re-direct my attention to other things.

 

2. I stopped talking to my close friends about it. I found that re-hashing and analyzing and re-anazlying and dissecting the situation only made me think about it even more... and even tho it made me feel better for the moment, I inevitably crashed afterwards. SO I simply stopped talking to them about it.

 

3. I started taking more of a genuine interest in my friends - and their problems. At first I had to fake the funk cuz I was so caught up in my situation... but more recently it's been genuine. I talk less about me, and more about them.

 

4. I got even busier - clubbin, dates *yup*, hanging out with friends etc... You name it, I've been doin it all.

 

5. I surrounded myself with positive energy - ppl who care... close friends... family.

 

6. And last but not least - I started praying. I just let go and let God. I stopped trying to control or predict the outcome, and have left it in God's hand.

 

Hope this helps, and looking to hear from you!

 

K.

[brittanyjean259]

well i wish doing all that would be easy...but its like if i pretend to be happy..im back from the start of" reality>..." the pain for me well will be so painful for the next year...yeah and could stil be painful...

 

 

im glad your doing good though thats good hope for me:)..but a 3 year relationship is very hard to get over... i will try that " forcing not to think of them"...i tried that but it didnt work...but i will repeat it until it does lol

[starr3546]

My boyfriend and I broke up about a week and a half ago, I was and still am totally crushed, if you wanna know my story it is also explained under the thread "why does it hurt so much! someone please help!" under the posts by starr3546...my and kengne stories are both very much similiar. To help ease the pain I have been going out with my girls keeping up with school, working out and yes i have been asked out a few times. I have kissed a couple boys and am going on a date on thursday with someone who is really nice, and hott.....I am not really ready to get serious with someone just yet, but i am trying to move on. Sitting around being sad just isn't going to get me over all this. I know it is going to take time, and it is. I was in love and lost him. I run into his friends and they ask me about it, they tell me that he won't talk about it with them, so who knows what is going thru his mind. I know he has secretly checked my aim profile under a different name, one he thinks i don't know; so he is obviously checking on me...But that doesn't matter, right now he is gone. I just know who i am and what great things i have to offer someone. I let that be my saving grace, also i am not going to lie, i fantasize about him coming back, although i don't think he will. Also i have been thinking lately if he does do i even want him back. I have also talked the situation into the ground, and have finally started to realize that i can't keep dwelling on the situation....i love him and miss him...but all i can do is move on....

[LilChicki]

Hi Starr!

Glad to hear you're doing well! For myself...I am doing much better too!

I sent my ex an emal tonight after a few months of NC ...wishing him a Happy Thanksgiving. I told him I am dating someone else, which I am..and I wished him well. I felt much better. He even replied to it..which I NEVER expected ..but he basically said thank you and he's glad I am doing well.

His response was short..but it made my heart so much lighter, because I feel at peace with the situation. I know I handled it with class and dignity. Thats the way I WANTED him to remember me...and not the way I was months ago.

My goal is not to get him back...but to "move on'....this was an important step for me.

[LilChicki]

OOps I meant my last post to say to Kengne..not Starr...my bad!

[JohnJohn]

I stopped talking to my close friends about it. I found that re-hashing and analyzing and re-anazlying and dissecting the situation only made me think about it even more... and even tho it made me feel better for the moment, I inevitably crashed afterwards. SO I simply stopped talking to them about it.

 

This is brilliant. I crashed really hard this weekend and this is exactly why. My mind sometimes goes and goes and I can't turn it off. I know I have logged many hours with friends talking about my breakup to the point where they are probably tired of it, even though they are still there for me. I've dissected my situation inside and out and upside and down as well. I'm very analytical by nature but I will have to force myself to stop. Thanks.

[williamswood]

But surely its impossible not to talk about it or even think about it, I've tried to do that and it just sent me crazier. Me and by b/f split (well he needs time to work out what he wants) about a week and half ago and I really don't see that it'll get easier by just ignoring it!!!

 

Maybe I'm dealing wih the situation in completely the wrong way?

[ReluctantRomeo]

10 months and I'm 90% over Juliet. In fact, there's a new Juliet on the horizon. Woohoo

 

The pain goes guys. You'll be with me in a few months. I think the trick is to acknowledge the pain, but not to dwell on it.

 

It will take time to heal and it is better to accept this. But it's good to take baby steps in going back out and having fun with friends. And to take on a new project - exercise, getting back to a hobby or self-improvement or whatever.

[In Sync]

well it's been since April since I have had my initial break-up..and I can say it's been an emotional roller coaster for me. I think back in the early stages (after the initial shock and crying stage..I did every conceivable maneuver..stayed in contact (which was on hindsight a bad move because that cause setback after setback) I went through a stage where I felt I was really doing well and had made significant progress and then I bounced back to feeling overcome by extreme sadness and loss again (all due to little contacts via e-mails from the ex and responding to them..A SERIOUSLY BAD IDEA.)

I don't talk about it with friends anymore, I stopped doing that because they don't understand..they mean well but you get to a point where they are tired of telling you he's a jerk.

After being on this website and forums about the coping, I know it's like overcoming an "addiction" to a relationship and the mood swings will shift as I am trying to cope. The more I want to go back to the "addiction" the harder it is to let go. Today I am stable. I can't be afraid of feeling the pain...but it doesn't have to control my life. I do know I am a different person since the whole ordeal. I've gone through alot, and I try to maintain my dignity and remain a good soul. I don't want to become bitter or hateful, I'm just more cautious.

[chocolate_boy]

Yeah my situation has gone from bad to worse, from her leaving me for no substantial reason, to her coming back and then leaving again, and me finding out she's been seeing the one guy I was always paranoid about behind my back.

 

It has all devistated me to the point where I really think I couldn't be anymore hurt by her, and today the final blow when i read her emails (yep naugty me) and found out she'd been pouring out her heart to her friend about how rejected she felt cos the guy she was interested in had gone back to his ex, this was TWO days after she broke up with me... I'll be damned.

 

Today I feel hollow... I've just cried again, but I'm so TIRED of going through this, I've felt like this for almost two months now, I know she was a liar, I know I was deceived, I know I look like an idiot, I know I'm the loser for being inside depressed while she's out living it up at parties everynight and with new guys.. I know I'm the one having problems moving on, I'm the one who has lost 14lbs in weight since she left me, I developed a cocaine habit I have now kicked....

 

And it all meant nothing to her, all those sweet memories, my gorgeous sweet girl was a liar and threw me to the wolves...

 

I am seeing a councellor in the morning, cos I'm having real problems getting through this on my own for some reason.

[HotCaliGirl]

I am seeing a councellor in the morning, cos I'm having real problems getting through this on my own for some reason.

Glad to hear you will be seeing a counselor, especially since you're still taking it so hard, hope you feel better.

[patwheel]

3 weeks since the big bang. She initiated the break up after almost 3yrs, with 1 1/2 yr living together. I am 23 she is 25.I was devastated, since it was 1 week before my birthday. But actually, my birthday helped. Since she did not contact me at all, not a single word, email, nothing, I resent her more than anything.

 

Today, I am at the point where I am just like it was my fault as well as it is hers. I might have been pushing her to fast, too much commitment. She on the other hand didnt party enough in college, and still felt like doing so, which she could not do when we were together obviously.

 

Last I heard, she is out partying, living it up, and is with some MD dude. Im a lawyer to be, so Ill sue them both for emotional distress

 

I am more or less ok, reading stories on the site helps me, seeign that I am not alone helps a lot. People like chocolate boy or omega red are going through the same thing, and when I cant talk to my real friends because they are just so sick of me pining over this girl, I come here and find relief.

 

NC has been working like a charm, throwing away her stuff also helped me a lot, now I just have to deal with the cognitive part of the loss. I was watching my fair brady (I know I need some brain relief sometimes), and they were expressing their love, and I was like this was me, thats all I wanted, except they ended up together, not me. I cried. Boohoo. Same thing when I hear songs that meant something to us, like tiny dancer; movies, even tv shows that we used to watch.

 

Living with her became a drug, and I am slowly withdrawing, and going cold turkey was the best way. Just like when I quit smoking, threw away lighters, ashtrays, cigarettes, everything. I am now ok, doing stuff by myself again, without thinking too much "Oh I used to do that with her" and then cry.

 

I went to see counselors, since I was starting to drink a little too much, like every night. My psy is not my best friend, he basically slapped me in the back of my head telling me "why are you crying like a little girl over a girl that hurts you so much?". Helpful, of course, since friends will be there but they will tire of listening to you.

 

I know that were never gonna be together again, being friends, I doubt it, but maybe down the road. I dont even think that I would like to see her, and certainly not talk to her. At least one thing is that I am not gonna see her at parties, since she turned my supposed friends against me (they were friends with her first).

 

I am starting to go out again, not quite ready to date again, but talking to girls, and most importantly I am not trying to dwell on the outcome of the relationship, not trying to figure out hollywood type scenarios where we'll see each other and fall in love again, no no no. I am starting to take on my hobbies again, tennis playing, yes exercising helped me a lot. I was not eating well, sleeping well, but now its getting better, still waking up at 4am though.

[Kengne]

Before the events of this weekend - I could say I was at 90% whole.

 

I had stopped wanting to get back with my ex R.

 

I accepted the fact that we are not together.

 

I had started dating others.

 

I had stopped contacting my ex R, altogether. I guess you could say I was doing a variation of NC, in that I stopped initiating... but was responding... albeit with ALOT of delay... to my ex's attempts at contact me. Remember, I was trying to do this whole 'friends' thing.

 

Well this weekend my ex called me down, asked to speak with me in person...We hadnt seen each other since the breakup... I reluctantly agreed.

 

We spoke... and in sum he basically wants me back... he wants us to work things out. He told me that he hadnt been completely upfront regarding the circumstances of our break up. I wont get into detail here, as I have created a separate post... but he says that the major cause of it was my ex-bf M (a previous 4 yr rel'ship that ended in M cheating on me and getting someone pregnant). .. In essence... he says he felt/feels I had/have unresolved feelings for M.... and that our rel'ship was too crowded... in his words "I felt OVERWHELMINGLY SO, like the 3rd wheel, like an outsider"... he grew increasingly frustrated and resentful at my continued interaction w M... which he feels is unhealthy to me, and our rel'ship bcuz of the fights M and I would get into over M wanting me back, telling me he loves me & wants to marry me and refusing to be just friends...

 

R said when he broke it off his frustration/resentment was at an alltime high... and he felt continuing in the rel'ship at that time will he tried to sort his feelings out wouldve been destructive to us both... he felt like he quite simply needed time alone to deal with it all... and clear his head & thts ... ALONE

 

When I asked him why he never told me EXPLICITLY - that he was frustrated at the situation w M and more importantly that it was AFFECTING OUR REL"SHIP (at least on his side of things) ....

 

... He said that he COULD NOT talk to me abt it bcuz he felt like I hadnt 'heard' him in the past even when he'd made certain comments abt M time and time again ... e.g "Why do you still talk to him? Its pointless - you guys CANNOT be friends! etc..." ... and also he felt like it wouldnt have made a difference to me ANYWAYS (as I still contacted M even after M told me to stop)... he tht I woulvde continued doing what I was doing, so it was pointless to say ANYTHING to me period being that IN HIS MIND - it wouldnt've changed a thing.... SO his frustratioin grew internally.. and it was making him lose touch with the easy-going person he normally is..

 

He said the break helped him clear his thts / feelings / resentment / frustration... and after taking time alone to sort out his feelings... he realizes his feelings for me have grown deeper... he still wants to be with me.. feels that we have so much potential etc.. and would to start over from scratch... get to know one another again... enjoy each others company ... be friends... date... and then be MORE than friends... etc... he wants us to work things out...

 

RIGHT NOW I don't know how I feel.

 

Shocked... numbed... this came sooner than I had imagined - NOT that I was imagining it... but you get what I'm saying.

 

So right now my whole world is AGAIN - topsy turvy. I dont what to make of it. I had accepted the fact that our relship was over... was and AM moving on.. and now this?

 

I told him I need some time to think before I can give him an answer. I'm just trying to absorb it all. He's telling me the words I wouldve KILLED to hear, what, 2 weeks ago? 3 weeks ago?

 

And now that I'm hearing them... the elation my EGO expected to feel is not there... I just feel numb & overwhelmed... and not sure what to do... should we try again? what if I get hurt? what if he grows resentful again? does this mean I can't talk to M again? (we did not discuss how M would figure into the pic if we 'start over')

 

So today I am not feeling 'GOOD'. Just confused.

 

K.

[Kengne]

I know that were never gonna be together again, being friends, I doubt it, but maybe down the road. I dont even think that I would like to see her, and certainly not talk to her. At least one thing is that I am not gonna see her at parties, since she turned my supposed friends against me (they were friends with her first).

 

I am starting to go out again, not quite ready to date again, but talking to girls, and most importantly I am not trying to dwell on the outcome of the relationship, not trying to figure out hollywood type scenarios where we'll see each other and fall in love again, no no no. I am starting to take on my hobbies again, tennis playing, yes exercising helped me a lot. I was not eating well, sleeping well, but now its getting better, still waking up at 4am though.

 

Hi Patwheel!

 

I wanted to respond to this, bcuz to me it seems like you are saying 2 completely opposite things. I am not by any means trying to give you false hope or anything... but how can you say you are NEVER going to get back together (i.e. you are DETERMINING a FUTURE outcome)... and in the same breath ALSO say you are NOT trying to determine the outcome of the rel'ship?

 

What helped me deal with my break-up was NOT taking an absolute stand either way... at least not initially. When I told myself "ITS OVER - FOREVER!" I felt like I couldnt breathe... like that was IT. It was too much to deal with.

 

But when I started looking at it like "ITS OVER - FOR NOW - AND I DONT KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN IN THE FUTURE".. it was like a weight came off my shoulder. I stopped trying to predict ANY future outcome - good or bad - and just lived for the here and now. I stopped focusing on the future - and focused ONLY on the present.

 

And presently - after almost 4 weeks and very little contact, my ex-bf R has come back and would like to start from scratch, and work things out with us. I AM STILL in shock.

 

But I DO KNOW hat if I had told myself in the beginning .. "R and I will NEVER be together - EVER!" - then I would've put myself through ALOT of ADDITIONAL HEARTACHE, more so than what I went through.

 

I just LET GO ... completely... and in my situation he has come back. But I am, and was prepared for him to NOT come back either.

 

Basically the pt is I didn't take a DEFINITIVE stance like you seem to be taking... and I personally think it helped me heal FASTER and QUICKER... see what I'm saying? The fact that R came back is beside the pt, but I think I'm better able to handle his return... bcuz I healed during the breakup by NOT taking an "ITS OVER - FOREVER!" stance.

 

Does any of it make sense? I hope what I'm trying to say is coming across.

 

K.

[patwheel]

Hi Kengne!

 

Thanks for the advice! I totally see what you're trying to say.

 

It's like an overwhelming river of thoughts coming through when I tell myself "its over FOREVER". It is true that when I do that, I usually break down more or less (like when I watched the bradys making their love confessions). I am slowly going towards the "Its over, no need to fight or argue anymore, be happy."

 

I guess when you're hardheaded and taking a definite stand, it is harder to take a step back on the whole situation and see it from a perspective. I am slowly getting there, but my break up was not on friendly terms and pretty much ruined everything with the family, friends.

 

In my post, I was more thinking of I am not trying to find out why she broke up with me, and why she is acting the way she is (cold hard b*tch), because it is not up to me anymore, and she is not part of my life just like I am not part of hers.

 

I've been trying to tell myself to forget, and just ignore the whole thing, but that does not work either. I tried to ride it out, just drink with buddies, go out, party it up, but at the end, it's just comes back to the same: coming back to an empty bed.

 

All in all, I think that I am getting better and happier with myself, rediscovering what I am, not what I am with her, and I am sure she is doing the same and I hope she is happy.

 

A heartbreak is devastating, and if you read my thread, you can see how down I was and how close I was to losing it. But you people, fellow LSers, even though Ive never seen you or met you, know just the right word that will make it better.

[chocolate_boy]

I know just how you feel buddy, I've been going through all the same emotions. And it hurts more knowing that she was feeling rejected and upset over an ex boyfriend who didn't want her back just two days after she broke up with me (!)...

 

Now my ex is out living it up and partying and being with new men like yours, but this is a normal reaction, to enjoy being single or to jump into a new relationship straight away (or if you're my ex, both). They just don't feel anything apart from relief on the end of a relationship... trust me I have been in that boat before.

 

I think it's just emotional immaturity, they haven't felt real love, but one day they will and that will be the one that f**ks them up.

 

But the best way to get over them.. be pissed off... it hit me today the anger.. and I smashed up most of my CD collection.... didn't make me feel much better I suppose after, but it felt great at the time, the power and the anger all coming out of me... now I really do not like her.. or want anything to do with a person like her.

[Ruff Ryder]

2 months for me and im going stronger by the second.......

 

All of you have been a big help.

 

Take it easy and best of luck to all of you

[In Sync]

Finding LS has been a source of stength for me.

For all of you, fresh to the pain and aftermath of the breakup, know that you won't stay with one feeling..your feelings are going to be all over the map. And you know what, it's probably a good thing that happens. I think it's the way our minds and hearts are coming together. When you first go through something like this you're heart is pulled one way and the mind in aother. We are OUT OF SYNC. the process of healing will take us in every direction there is to go. Until I suppose the heart and mind are in sync again. I can't believe the range I went through and still going through.

I see now all the agonizing and crying and anger and confusing was my heart and mind trying to comprehend something extremely shocking, hurtful and devasting to me.

For the ex who breaks it off they are doing it like business. Something that has to be done. They want to move on. Period. It's not a shock to them since they are the ones doing it. From the moment the broke off, we all became in separate worlds from theirs.

[patwheel]

But the best way to get over them.. be pissed off... it hit me today the anger.. and I smashed up most of my CD collection.... didn't make me feel much better I suppose after, but it felt great at the time, the power and the anger all coming out of me... now I really do not like her.. or want anything to do with a person like her.

 

But the best way to get over them.. be pissed off... it hit me today the anger.. and I smashed up most of my CD collection.... didn't make me feel much better I suppose after, but it felt great at the time, the power and the anger all coming out of me... now I really do not like her.. or want anything to do with a person like her.

 

Yeah did that, smashed some vases, then realized that I was trashing my apartment, so I went out and hit the driving range. I was hooking and slashing all the way, and was not stopping, people thought I was nuts. Then I broke down, and just sat down looking at sky. Good thing I broke down then cause if not I would have thrown my big bertha driver. That happened on my birthday night.

 

Then, I called up some buddies, who had the wonderful idea of taking me to the happy hours, and of course, trying to hook me up, but that didnt work either, since I was at the bar, ranting to the bartender, and getting more pissed off cause I was getting pissed ass drunk. Bartender didnt help, since she was giving out shots for free to me. All I can remember was singing to "Since you been gone", I know!

 

I also did the whole driving while mad and angry, blasting my stereo, driving down the freeway forever and ever. IT used to calmed me down and make me reflect on myself, but for this, no, I just got more pissed off at the traffic.

 

Thats all for now. This all happened 2 weeks ago, right after I was dumped. Right now I am back to normal, calm, trying to remain calm at least

 

I am in your situation choc, and I found out about the other man much sooner, by my so called friend. This not only crushes you, it also questions your whole relationship. I know how it feels, and the only way to cope with it is no more contact. After I found out about the other guy, I cut contact with her(already was doing NC anyways), threw everything, cut contact with "friends" that were too much in contact with her, anything. After that, I just started going slowly towards what kengne just told me to do, and what wayne's world taught me also:Live in the NOW man!. My ex is not into me anymore, and who she is with or what she does is none of my business, just like what I do is not hers for NOW (see Kengne, progress ) Also you're the one who told me that cheerful story about your relative who split for a year, and are still married! One day they'll realize, and soon enough they'll come back.

 

Those are a couple of coping that made me better on the spot before they break me down. I dont suggest to anyone doing that!! I dont even know why I did that. Im usually pretty mellow and chill.

[chocolate_boy]

Yeah its just awful, my ex prided herself on "being nice" was always going on about how she cares for others etc. yet she can't see her MAJOR flaw, she is the most self-centered and heartless person I have ever met, she has also cheated on all her ex's, and the last one was with this same guy it looks like she cheated on me with too.

 

Wouldn't care but he's a serial womaniser, and kept trying it on with me ex while we were together, I wanted to sort him out but she kept reassuring me she had no interest and that he was a "sex-pest" and a "pervert". Looks like if you have a suspicion it is probably true...

 

B.ITCH!!

[Kengne]

Hi Kengne!

 

Thanks for the advice! I totally see what you're trying to say.

 

It's like an overwhelming river of thoughts coming through when I tell myself "its over FOREVER". It is true that when I do that, I usually break down more or less (like when I watched the bradys making their love confessions). I am slowly going towards the "Its over, no need to fight or argue anymore, be happy."

 

I guess when you're hardheaded and taking a definite stand, it is harder to take a step back on the whole situation and see it from a perspective.

 

Thats EXACTLY my point!

 

I've been thru 2 breakups this year. The 1st was very painful, but easy to get over. The 2nd... less painful, but harder to get over.

 

With the 1st breakup - my ex BF of 4 years - I could not, WOULD not, imagine NOT being with him... seeing him... talking to him.. cuddling him... it was inconceivable! I literally thought I would DIE from the pain thats how intense it was. I used to think "OMG M cheated.. it's OVER between us and we will NEVER EVER EVER be together!"

 

He still loved me and wanted to be with me.. but I couldnt. And so I began NC which was by far the hardest thing I've EVER done in a rel'ship to date. Breaking my 'addiction' to my ex M i.e. talking to him... seeing him... hanging out with him etc... WAS DIFFICULT!! And I just remember breaking down 24/7 at the thought of us NEVER EVER being together again, so at the suggestion of a friend I started looking at it like:

 

"Kengne - you have a choice. To be or not to be with M. You are not together RIGHT NOW. BUT it does NOT does not mean that you will NEVER EVER be together. THE FUTURE IS UNTOLD!"

 

In a sense it worked for me bcuz by telling myelf "ITS OVER - FOREVER" my ex M became that attractive looking piece of candy that I wanted EVEN MORE - bcuz I couldnt have him. SO by telling myself I could have the candy - I didnt want him as much, I didnt hurt as much.

 

I applied this same "IT'S OVER - FOR NOW" philosophy to my 2nd break-up, where I was the DUMPEE (as opposed to the DUMPER in my 1st breakup). I told mysel me and my ex R were over - FOR NOW. And so he became that piece of candy that I MAY OR MAY ever have in the future, as opposed to the wicked piece of candy that I WOULD NEVER EVER have... Cuz as you know, we all want what we CANT have!

 

In any case, it sounds to me like you're doing TONS better. Keep doing what you're doing. I have been through that low low stage... to the point where I was strung on my ex like a crackhead on crack.. I had it BAAAAAAAAAD.

 

But I survived. and so will YOU!

 

Keep strong hun, and good luck!

 

K.