In Spring a middle aged man's fancy

[Coily]

To fully mangle Tennyson: "In the Spring a middle-aged man's fancy lightly turns to thoughts of love." It also seems to be a common lament here at the moment.

I have hit a point and I am over thinking things, as usual, on the conundrum of my dating situation at 40.  I will be the first to say in the city where I live is a bit on the hostile side towards single men over the age of 25.  

So here is my conundrum in a nutshell, I’m just unhappy being perpetually single. I have plenty of hobbies, friends, have completely taken over the company that had previously caused me a bit of angst, I own my own home, have vacation adventures, and am in the process of publishing a novel. I have been active in my church, volunteered, joined meet up groups, and have done online dating for years. Yet it all comes down to me just doing my own thing, which is no longer rewarding.

My friends are pretty useless when it comes to being introduced to single women. My Church is nearly all families or the elderly. The meet-up groups are not in the age range I am looking for, or dissolve over time. I have gone to personal enrichment courses, conferences, and social games. I have been a regular at places of interest where I would think quality women would be found. I’m not into the bar scene or live music scene (an explosion makes it very difficult for me to attend live music without pain). Even went to speed dating events and tried a dating coach; who wasn’t very helpful as their suggestions were what I had already been doing for years.

I am well kempt, dress well (I have begun wearing ties even for errands, though it’s because I want to), though I could stand to lose maybe 5 pounds, but otherwise active and healthy. For some reason I am perceived as being intelligent and with a good sense of humor. I avoid having sexual relations when I am not in a committed relationship, so never have been the one night stand kind of guy.

With high end online dating I have had a modicum of success getting dates, though unfortunately they have never really been good matches when I meet them for coffee or brewery. I would say I average a date a month or every other month, I try to ask as many leading questions as possible and try to avoid making conversations too much about me. Most of the women I seem to connect on dating sites tend to be: overbearingly religious, vain "influencer" types, unconcerned about their health or boring gym rats, or those with kookie politics.

My dating criteria I don’t think is outrageous. Generally speaking I have been looking for women who share some similar interests, I find attractive, have a bit of a traditional streak to them, weigh less than me (this has become a new criteria in light of past experiences), can appreciate that I’m not an everyday texter, has similar values, but someone who is a bit more outgoing than myself. Also with the opportunity for me to have a child, I have dated single mothers in the past; but the deal breaker was if they were done having kids. Maybe this is unreasonable after all?

At  the end of the day I feel frighteningly alone. It’s not that I feel that someone would “complete me,” but I have no one to share my life with; no one to go on adventures with. Being an only child and living remotely in the past, I don’t care for spending the rest of my life alone, and that motivates me to seek out a wife. Perhaps I probably seem more desperate than I really am?

[Weezy1973]

So you’re doing a lot of things right, except for online dating. Your strategy with online dating should be to meet as many women as possible. One per month is not even close to enough. The vast majority of women you meet online won’t be a match (as you’ve seen) so you need to increase the numbers. Join multiple dating sites, the common free ones and at least one paid site. Also adjust your criteria slightly from this: 

2 hours ago, Coily said:

Generally speaking I have been looking for women who share some similar interests, I find attractive, have a bit of a traditional streak to them, weigh less than me (this has become a new criteria in light of past experiences), can appreciate that I’m not an everyday texter, has similar values, but someone who is a bit more outgoing than myself.

You don’t need to put anything about weight. You already mentioned you need to be attracted to them, which you should know from their pictures. And if their pictures are misleading when you meet in person, don’t go on a second date. 
 

You also can take out “has a bit of a traditional streak” because you already mentioned sharing core values. You’re better of mentioning that you have a bit of a traditional streak. And no reason to specify “a bit more outgoing than me” either. Someone might be shy on first meet and open up as time goes on. Best to just meet and figure it out. You want to avoid as many criteria as possible to widen your net. 
 

The one thing you definitely want to put in your profile is that ultimately you are looking for someone to spend your life with and have a family together with. That way folks that don’t want that won’t waste your time.

[Gaeta]

How old are you?

It's not gonna work until it does. As simple as that. Put yourself out there, keep a profile active online. If you always come across the same type of women than you may want to open your mind to other type of women.

It's ok you like what you like but if your taste is really narrow then expect a long wait. 

[Coily]

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

How old are you?

It's not gonna work until it does. As simple as that. Put yourself out there, keep a profile active online. If you always come across the same type of women than you may want to open your mind to other type of women.

It's ok you like what you like but if your taste is really narrow then expect a long wait. 

Just clicked my odometer to 40.

I will say for clarity, I have and do date outside of my preferences to an extent. Those were a list of what I would like, but considering we don't always get what we want, I try to be realistic. Most of what I listed were from negative experiences with the opposite, i wont entirely rule out looking back into someone who could be a surprisingly good match.

[Coily]

2 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

So you’re doing a lot of things right, except for online dating. Your strategy with online dating should be to meet as many women as possible. One per month is not even close to enough. The vast majority of women you meet online won’t be a match (as you’ve seen) so you need to increase the numbers. Join multiple dating sites, the common free ones and at least one paid site. Also adjust your criteria slightly from this: 

You don’t need to put anything about weight. You already mentioned you need to be attracted to them, which you should know from their pictures. And if their pictures are misleading when you meet in person, don’t go on a second date. 
 

You also can take out “has a bit of a traditional streak” because you already mentioned sharing core values. You’re better of mentioning that you have a bit of a traditional streak. And no reason to specify “a bit more outgoing than me” either. Someone might be shy on first meet and open up as time goes on. Best to just meet and figure it out. You want to avoid as many criteria as possible to widen your net. 
 

The one thing you definitely want to put in your profile is that ultimately you are looking for someone to spend your life with and have a family together with. That way folks that don’t want that won’t waste your time.

I try to juggle about 3 sites on average; but as it's a numbers game I seem to draw the short end of the odds.

Thanks for the solid advice!

[Els]

9 hours ago, Coily said:

My dating criteria I don’t think is outrageous. Generally speaking I have been looking for women who share some similar interests, I find attractive, have a bit of a traditional streak to them, weigh less than me (this has become a new criteria in light of past experiences), can appreciate that I’m not an everyday texter, has similar values, but someone who is a bit more outgoing than myself. Also with the opportunity for me to have a child, I have dated single mothers in the past; but the deal breaker was if they were done having kids. Maybe this is unreasonable after all?

I wouldn't necessarily say "unreasonable", but a bit arbitrary perhaps.

It's good to have core values in what you want in a partner, but once you start making laundry lists like that, it feels a bit like you're looking for someone to fill this very specifically-shaped void in your life, rather than falling in love with a partner.

The other problem is that some of your criteria are contradictory, especially compared to what you are offering - notably, that you are 40, but you want a traditional woman who is also outgoing(??) and wants to have kids. It's not impossible, but that alone (without even considering things like your location, your lack of regular phone contact, etc) will narrow your options down substantially. Most traditional women close to your age will already have kids and a husband (if they wanted them). And women significantly younger than you who want to have kids and are ALSO traditional, are unlikely to date a 40-yo man - their parents will probably not approve of you. Not to mention that it's rather uncommon for a woman to be both traditional  and very outgoing... and extremely uncommon for a traditional outgoing woman to want a man who is less outgoing than herself.

So all in all... I guess you could do 1 of 3 things. You could either reexamine your criteria and what you want. You could change yourself to better fit the criteria of women who fit within your criteria. Or you could accept that you're searching for a 1 in 1000 thing, search as widely as you can, and accept that it's possible you won't find it.