He won't let go

[HopeInTears]

Hi everyone... I posted about a month ago about being involved with a MM, though when we were initially involved he said he has never been married. I have been reading your threads and about two weeks ago finally got the strength up to go NC. Initially he was still trying to call, first I hung up on him and then I quit answering (I consider my NC stating the night I hung up on him). I struggled with it, but had the support of wonderful friends who helped create a bunch of diversions.

 

Well, something seemed off about 5 days into NC because he wasn't showing up for work. I had a dinner party. One of my friends took me into another room and sat me down and explained that he was not at work because his wife had a baby. I was devestated. The night I found out he was married I thought we had put everything out on the table, and he swore he didn't have any children (well of course... not yet).

 

A friend who had been in a similar situation said NC wouldn't work without my telling him it was over. So I texted him that we were done and he should no longer contact me. I also changed the locks on my house.

 

One day later, he was calling again. I thought I was biting the bullet when I answered, having planned out what I would say ahead of time - that we were done and he was to leave me alone. But as we all know, if we let them in, that won't happen.

 

He explained that his home life is a separate life, that he leads two lives and one should have no effect on the other. That he didn't tell me about the baby because he knew it would hurt me. He said the baby should have no effect on us and has absolutely nothing to do with us. He said so many things that went beyond the absurd I was actually speechless. He was saying things like, if I can't handle this he understands but that he thinks we can sit down and talk it out.

 

I have finally decided to seek out the help of a therapist. I realize that there is something going on inside of me that is preventing me from disconnecting from this sick situation. We are somehow addicted to each other and it's terribly dangerous. He has already been burned by our situation, but he seems to refuse to let go without a fight. And though I logically know this situation can't get better, I'm allowing him to fight me on ending it. I am hoping with the support of my friends and therapy, I will finally get it into my head that I have to make a clean break.

 

I understand what people say how the longer it goes on the harder and more painful to end it. I wish I could say more, explain more, because I'm so blown away by the things he said to me, but I hesitate, for understandable reasons. I wish I knew why I have this burning need to understand why he is doing this and why he seems to be so adamant on holding on to me. I understand to an extent - I have been a challenge to him. I have been a heightened level of excitement. But when so many times things have been jeopardized, why won't he simply let me walk away? I guess I'll never know and never understand. I just have to figure out what nerve he is hitting in me and how to let it heal.

 

Thanks...

 

HIT

[JayKay]

I think people get addicted to the 'high' of this kind of drama.

 

I DO understand that you are excited by his attention and finding it difficult to let go.

 

Despite how bad things look 'on paper' (and they do!), somehow your logic just can't stand up to all that nervous outpouring of energy and elation that happens when he's around or somehow involved in your life.

 

I think seeking the help of a therapist is a GREAT idea. You need help putting things in perspective and seeing your long-range goals, not just allowing yourself to get caught up in the moment.

 

You should spend some time thinking about the type of future you want. I highly doubt it includes a manipulative womanizer who thinks his marriage should have 'no effect' on what you two do with each other.

 

Write down your long range goals and focus on them.

 

Real accomplishments.....real relationships....take time and committment. Don't fall for immediate gratification

or cheap thrills.

 

Hold out for the real thing. It's so much more worth it.

[HopeInTears]

I think people get addicted to the 'high' of this kind of drama.

 

I DO understand that you are excited by his attention and finding it difficult to let go.

 

 

You are soooooo right. My own ex H could never show the kind of attention I get from MM. My own ex H, though he claimed he wanted to reconcile, made not even half the effort to work things out as MM has. There is an incredible rush to the relationship, but the dangers and unhealthiness of it is outweighing it. I've heard, and personally know, of situations where the MM has eventually chosen the OW, even when it has been years. But I am not the kind of person to endure that anguish. Besides. He did it to her... he will do it to me.

[seachange]

You do sound like you're aware of the hurdles and problems here, and you're struggling. I'm sorry for your pain, and that you had to learn about his true situation like that. But it sounds like you know what you've got to do, you're just working on getting there.

 

I just wanted to add one thing, if it helps...you said:

 

I've heard, and personally know, of situations where the MM has eventually chosen the OW, even when it has been years. But I am not the kind of person to endure that anguish. Besides. He did it to her... he will do it to me.

 

But the thing is, he's already told you he isn't even considering leaving his wife. So you shouldn't include that as a factor. He just had a baby - and even before that, he wasn't considering leaving her. He just didn't want you to know about her so he could avoid conflict:

 

He explained that his home life is a separate life, that he leads two lives and one should have no effect on the other. That he didn't tell me about the baby because he knew it would hurt me. He said the baby should have no effect on us and has absolutely nothing to do with us.

 

Really, the man is terribly selfish and an awful liar. Consider his pursuit of you in that light - what does he have to gain? Once he no longer has anything to gain, what will happen?

 

Be good to yourself, and save yourself from the trauma his wife will go through. This is just awful.

[HopeInTears]

Thanks for the support SC. As for him leaving his wife, when I found out he was married, it actually was the situation he presented to me, that he had intended to leave, but because of the circumstances of how I found out, which was quite an explosion that almost cost him his job, he said we needed to wait for the dust to settle and make sure things quieted in the community so we could deal with it. The week before I started NC, I demanded he finally make a move. He said that he couldn't do anything about his situation at the moment and wouldn't be able to in the near future, but that I needed to be patient. Like you said, this was a ploy to avoid conflict. A week after that I began NC.

 

Last night he said he had wanted to end things, that it is not a good situation and that while the baby is a happy thing, is has made matters worse. I can't believe him on that. Then there is no need to lead two separate lives. If anyone can understand having children in a bad marriage, it's me. I spent five years in therapy because I had my children with a man I knew I didn't belong with.

 

I can speculate on what his "other life" is like, but I really don't know. The most he ever said about it is that "she doesn't deserve this either." He talks about his house and family (wife and child excluded) and easily gives the impression of being a bachelor. Ugh.

 

I want to pose a question, and I know it's a dangerous one. Several friends, some of whom have been in the position of the W and some from the position of the OW, have said his W needs to know. I truly believe telling her anything right now would be emotionally devestating - having a child is tough enough. Personally, I think she knows already... I found out she is his high school sweetheart. He has talked to me about past relationships, and since he was always with her (he initially told me they had only been married a year, but it turns out to be five), clearly these were other affairs. I don't think it's my place to say anything to her, I want to simply get out of this situation. Without being angry, hurtful or spiteful, can people share their thoughts on whether is it a good or bad idea to let the W know? Like I said, I don't believe in going that route but I'm curious to others thoughts and experiences.

[JayKay]

I guarantee the wife already knows (or suspects) he's a pathological liar.

 

I wouldn't add or contribute to her pain right now. She's likely exhausted and a mess of hormones.

 

Hope you can put some distance between this guy and yourself. He sounds so incredibly self-serving and self-centered. Not a thought for anything unless it directly affects him, huh?

[HopeInTears]

Ugh... OK, so I was NC since the fateful conversation on Sunday. Tuesday I went to a therapist finally because I have begun to realize I can't break free from this guy of my own will. The therapist actually recommended a restraining order. He feels it will not only force his boundaries, but mine as well. However, because of MM's job, I feel that a restraining order would be seriously unwise and actually make matters worse.

 

Tonight I saw MM. Not intentionally. I did not think he would be working because he has been home with the family. But he showed up. And we had several stare downs. He once tried to follow me to talk but I put my hand up and actually ran away. When I got to a safe place I sent a text message telling him to leave me alone and stay away from me. He apparently got so mad that when I encountered him again he called me "ma'am!"

 

I met another woman who claimed he tried to make a move on her. He and I had actually discussed her before, because I had known she was interested in him, but I was the one who got to inform her he is married. She did not know about my relationship with him.

 

When I left to go home, he followed me to the parking lot. I said "no, I can't take the lies anymore. I'm leaving." He began yelling my name and followed me. He yelled at me asking why I'm always trying to create a drama and that this whole thing was giving him a headache. At that point, I lost my cool. I turned around, and got in his face. Not once since I have known him have I ever raised my voice nor cried in his presence, and I wasn't going to start tonight. I told him, quietly and calmly, that it was he who always created the drama, that he was the one yelling and following me, and that he was the liar and not me. I can't remember all of it, but he actually yelled at a friend of mine for "telling her things that will hurt her." Good grief!!!!

 

I find it interesting that when I try to end things, he chases me and then will act like he is going to end it. I think he is addicted to this (not necessarily me, but the situation), as much as I am. Well, at least I am finally getting help and working towards getting out of it.

 

I actually have a friend, when she found out about his family situation, believe that he eventually will leave his wife for me. I cannot fathom that for a second. He never will. And the reality is he is not what I want in my life or my children's. G-d willing I am going to try with all my might and get out of this thing.

 

JayKay - I couldn't agree with you more... thank you for the feedback!!!

 

HIT...

[seachange]

Hope, you're absolutely right - he's a total drama king. And he's trying to blame this on you now. He's shady and self-delusional in all sorts of ways, not to mention immature - let him have his headaches and his drama, and keep on the path you're going. Personally, it doesn't sound to me like he has any intention of leaving his wife - after all, he didn't want you to know things "that would hurt" you. Unbelievable. He just wants to keep you dangling - and he's right, his wife with a newborn baby doesn't deserve his crap and drama either. He can chase you all he wants, but in the end, it's all about the chase to him. You're not getting anything out of this.

 

You're smart to see a therapist to try to understand why you areholding on (emotionally, if not physically) to this relationship. I think you'll figure it out, and when you do move on from him and all of his tangled-up life you'll feel like a huge weight has been lifted from your shoulders.