hurt1 Posted November 16, 2005 Posted November 16, 2005 sylvia- i read your post. i have dug deep inside myself and am facing my own demons and im the one who wants to learn why,how,ect.... he , on the other hand hasnt even figured out the lesson in all this. that doenst give me much reaasurance .am i the only one that has talked about whats happened, over and over? why do we have a need to keep talking about the bad?maybe its to get an understanding of it. hell- he cant understand it to explain it, how will i ever understand it?
ThumbingMyWay Posted November 16, 2005 Posted November 16, 2005 Which leads me to the next point: what to do with the anger? As trimmer said, suppressed anger just turns to resentment and is probably worse for you. Sylvia and then resentment transforms into depression. I have been there....and believe me....it is not a fun place to be. But like Syl, for me its been 9 months since d-day 2 and 14 months in totally. So we both have had alot of time to transgress thru the emotions. I wish I could tell you everything will be fine...but I cant. I read somewhere that it takes up to 2 years for a BS to recover from betrayel. I never beleived it at the time....but here I am..14 months in and my "box of fear" is still open for business, albeit part-time. LOVE HOPE AND FAITH brother....that is what binds me together.... TIME tris.....
Author Tristram Posted November 16, 2005 Author Posted November 16, 2005 So, you all think I should let those feelings out completly? It is hard for me to vent unto those that I know truly do not deserve it. Call it a sense of justice if you will. So, that leaves me wondering just how is it possible to do this productively? Or do I even really want to bother with it at all? The undecisive part of me is really starting to annoy me. I cant think of any strong reasons to stay or to go. Which is why I dont actually care either way. Guess that should be my first step, deciding if this is something I truly want? Needless to say her "love bank" account is hovering around zero. Man Life Sux.
ThumbingMyWay Posted November 16, 2005 Posted November 16, 2005 i am in the same situation Hurt1...I see you are at 2 posts....welcome if you want more help on your situ....maybe start a new thread sharing your story.
sylviaguardian Posted November 16, 2005 Posted November 16, 2005 sylvia- i read your post. i have dug deep inside myself and am facing my own demons and im the one who wants to learn why,how,ect.... he , on the other hand hasnt even figured out the lesson in all this. that doenst give me much reaasurance .am i the only one that has talked about whats happened, over and over? why do we have a need to keep talking about the bad?maybe its to get an understanding of it. hell- he cant understand it to explain it, how will i ever understand it? H1, From what I see on the boards it is ALWAYS the BS who does the searching, not the WS. There might be a couple of reasons for this: First, it already all makes sense to the WS - they were there, they know what they said, did, felt. We, on the other hand, are trying to piece together the puzzle without a picture to guide us. Secondly, it affects the BS more. OK, the WS has to deal with the fallout, but for the BS everything changes, not just your relationship. I don't know about you, but I am NOT the person I was pre-discovery. I think differently, value things differently etc etc. All of that needs a lot of working through. For the WS, YOU are still the same person they thought you were and their view on marriage and how the world works can pretty much stay the same (any WSs out there who disagree with this, please point it out). Thirdly, a lot of the reasons why we act the way we do are not conscious even to us. So when your husband says he doesn't know, he probably doesn't. But one clue is that we learn how relationships work from our parents. Usually there are a lot of clues in there. Yep, the stay-go thing is a nightmare. I have asked my husband to leave many times now ( and meant it). But I felt that if there was even a glimmer of hope, I owed it to us to at least try. Sylvia
Author Tristram Posted November 16, 2005 Author Posted November 16, 2005 i am in the same situation,i am marking 8mo. since d-day. its hell!so much love and hate at the same time, should i go or should i stay?64,000 dollar question.its a terrible battle that controls your mind, and when u reach out to the spouse who hurt u and he comforts and then gets angry cuz your upset, wheres his compassion?they dont like to see us upset, cuz they know its their fault that we are.does the trust ever come back 100%? Well, what I was told was to determine rather or not you believe your S/O is truly as evil as you percieve them to be. And then make your determination from there. Its only been about 4 months for me and this thing seriously tries my patience. Far as the trust, no it never will be the way it was. But those who have been through this before say it can come pretty close.
sylviaguardian Posted November 17, 2005 Posted November 17, 2005 So, you all think I should let those feelings out completly? It is hard for me to vent unto those that I know truly do not deserve it. Call it a sense of justice if you will. So, that leaves me wondering just how is it possible to do this productively? Or do I even really want to bother with it at all? The undecisive part of me is really starting to annoy me. I cant think of any strong reasons to stay or to go. Which is why I dont actually care either way. Guess that should be my first step, deciding if this is something I truly want? Needless to say her "love bank" account is hovering around zero. Man Life Sux. Tristram, There is a difference between letting feelings out and venting them on others. Letting your feelings out can take the form of venting here, writing it down, screaming in the care - Thumbs didn't you chop wood?! My counsellor told me that anger is a very physical emotion so sometimes running or another activity can calm your system down without any thought processing at all.But be careful. Writing a hateful spiteful letter to your wife and then ripping it up might make you feel better if you do it once but you can't keep dwelling on your anger. Anger is like damp in the house - it's no use just trying to keep mopping it up. You could spend your whole life doing it. Instead you need to recognise where it is coming from. It is worth doing simply because even if you do end up leaving your wife, you will have learnt a really valuable skill - how to handle your emotions. Also, even if you do leave her, it will be more amicable. The bottom line is that if you can see no good reason to go then you have stay. But at some point you will have to decide that you are willing to try to make it work. I don't think you are at that point yet and that's OK. You don't have to make any decisions just now. And so your wife's love bank is at zero? So what. If you are willing to stick with the relationship knowing what you know, so should she be. Some sites encourage the BS to really work at the marriage and be loving etc and keep resentment hidden. I do not personally believe in this. My thought is that if you try to be loving and close when you have so many issues to deal with, it usually just ends up erupting at some point. I believe instead that you need to work through your issues and then when you genuinely have warmer feelings, you start to show them. Otherwise it is all just a facade. Tristram, it is a hard black place where you are now. I remember it well, all the anger, the frustration, the daily indecision. It gets better, I promise. I am not saying that my life is hunkydory but I am calm and most of the time I am in control of my life. There is no need to rush into anything. Think of this as your healing time. Sylvia
Author Tristram Posted November 17, 2005 Author Posted November 17, 2005 Sylviagarden, Thanks for your posting. And yes I do have serious issues with all of this. I try to work on them but it seems like I am not making any real progress with things. My wife wrote me a long letter last night while I was at work saying how sorry she was to have caused me all this pain and how she was hurting also. She even said she realizes I dont love her but it is O.K. she just wants to move on with life and put this behind us and get the love I once had for her back. So I dont know. I should have typed that I have every reason to go, but every reason to stay. Which is what I really meant. Ever notice how just about everyone expects the BS to deal with all thier suffering themselves and not make a big deal of what the WS did. What a crock of ****.
ThumbingMyWay Posted November 17, 2005 Posted November 17, 2005 Tristram, Thumbs didn't you chop wood?! yes....and I recently wrote her a long venting letter.....pretty heated....BUT I did not give it to her. it was just for me to get it out and write in down.
ThumbingMyWay Posted November 17, 2005 Posted November 17, 2005 Sylviagarden, Ever notice how just about everyone expects the BS to deal with all thier suffering themselves and not make a big deal of what the WS did. What a crock of ****. yeah....I hear dat.... I was in the same place.....I felt all alone in my suffering and pain. It was like she wanted me to just forget it and move on. But thats the difference....the WS deals with it by forgetting it...casue thats what they HAVE to do....they were the ones in the pit....and now they are out and they need to walk away and try to forget about it. The BS....they were just sitting there on a park bench on a sunny day....then BAMM....straight to the abyss. Now here we are trying to absorb all these feelings of pain and anger, etc. All while sitting in this hole wondering how will I ever get out. Then you look up to see the WS standing over the edge...looking down on you....and all you can think of....is how the f*** can you stand up there like nothing has happened? But thats the crux.....WS will NEVER feel what you feel about the situation and will never understand what the BS is going thru. And the BS will never understand how the WS feels. So in a sense, yes you are alone Tris....its not an easy journey...but ONLY YOU can make YOU better. It was hard for me to understand and accept....but no one is going to feel you feelings for you. This journey you are on is for YOU only. Your wife will have her own journey too. Fix yourselves FIRST....then fix your marriage. In the beginning I was soooo in tune with fixing my marriage....that I forgot about my feelings....so I had to step back and look within me....fix me first (not done with that yet) and then once I am OK wiht me....then I will be able to give my whole self back to the marriage.
Author Tristram Posted November 17, 2005 Author Posted November 17, 2005 ThumbingMyWay, That is pretty much what I have concluded. Trying to get her to understand is the hard part. I told her yesterday I wanted to be left alone to think about things. Does she listen, NO. She firmly believes she has to make me feel better. I finally ended up telling her that sometimes being around her makes me feel worse. I hated to tell her that, but I could not think how to better explain myself. So I was just blunt about it. I know it hurt her, I mean, I don't know what to do. I want to just get away from everything for a while and asses myself and how I feel. But I cant, I have to much responsibility to do that. Speaking of which she thinks her responsibility overwhelmed her and played a part in what she did. Like I dont ever get tired of my responsibilities! Doesnt mean I am going to go and screw the damn neighbor! That really touched a nerve when I read that. Any thoughts?
ThumbingMyWay Posted November 17, 2005 Posted November 17, 2005 Any thoughts? do you have your PM up and working? I have something that was given to me that I'd like to give to you to give to your wife to read. I need an email addy, but LS dont like us posting those on the main threads
ThumbingMyWay Posted November 17, 2005 Posted November 17, 2005 PM sent, Thanks! email sent....hope it helps....if even a little
goingforgold Posted November 20, 2005 Posted November 20, 2005 I don't want to sound harsh and take anyone's side but you cant really judge your wife on what her dad and her sister's have done. I thought that maybe things could work between you if you both wanted to work hard at making it work - i dont want to sound pessimistic here but after reading that your wife cheated on a previous partner and now did it to you as well, for me that was real alarm bells. She did it once and was ok with it and she has obviously felt so comfortable that she did it again this time to you!! I dont want to sound nasty to your wife, but it seems this woman has a cheating streak in her, and the more she cheats the easier it will become for her. You sound like a really decent person, who has given your whole heart to her, just so she can throw it out. I dont want to influence your decision in anyway, and i hope the very best for you with what ever you decide. **hugs**
Author Tristram Posted November 20, 2005 Author Posted November 20, 2005 AussieMandy, It is said in psychology that children learn how to interact in relationships by watching thier parents as they grow up. So it could mean something or nothing. She claims she did it to the last guy because she did not care about her and treated her very badly, flat out abusive at times. She kept dating him because she felt no one else would have her (she has serious self esteem issues). I dont know if it will become easier for her. The last guy she did it to did not care (she ended up telling him she did it), but it really got to me. Needless to say life has been pretty hellish ever since I found out. She fears that I will leave her, and rightly so. She also seems sincere about things, although that doesnt mean much. I will give it time and will find out what her actual intentions are. My kids deserve the best life possible so if if doesnt work out, at least I can take some comfort in the fact that I did my best. Cheers!
goingforgold Posted November 21, 2005 Posted November 21, 2005 Tristram - all the best, i hope it all works out for the best.
Author Tristram Posted November 21, 2005 Author Posted November 21, 2005 Update: She posted this on here over the weekend while I was at work. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t75283/ I am not exactly sure what to make of it and would appreciate some opinions on it. I think she is just digging for sympathy. I could be wrong though as she may truly mean it all. Everything has made me realize she is less mature then I believed her to be. The old saying is true I guess, Love is Blind.
Author Tristram Posted November 21, 2005 Author Posted November 21, 2005 aussie-mandy, Thanks. Everything is not quite the duck's nut's, if you get my meaning. Time will tell.
ThumbingMyWay Posted November 21, 2005 Posted November 21, 2005 Update: She posted this on here over the weekend while I was at work. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t75283/ I am not exactly sure what to make of it and would appreciate some opinions on it. Tris... my wife did the same http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t57954/ ....for sympathy...I dont think so....after I showed her this site...and she read what I had wrote.....then she told her side and asked for help for both of us. I think you have alot of anger clouding your perception...I did too....it was months before i could see thru the cloud of anger and insecurity to really understand and feel what was truth or not.
whichwayisup Posted November 21, 2005 Posted November 21, 2005 Trist, I think you're having trouble believing her written words as honest and guenuine. I don't believe she is trying to pull one over on you. I could be wrong, but the feeling I get is she really is trying her best to make things right again. I do think too, she's pouring on the "I am a bad person" abit too much, she needs to forgive herself and change the focus and stop the blaming, take responsibility for her actions, and work really hard on making it work, gain your trust again. Takes time, obviously, but the thought is there. Needs to be put into action now. I get that you won't trust easily and she has to show you in action, not only words...But, it's a start.
Becoming Posted November 21, 2005 Posted November 21, 2005 I may have missed it, but have you put down things you need her to do in order for you to feel like she really wants things to be different? A list of "here's how you can begin to set things right"--whatever that is for you. In reading everything here, including some of hers, one for me would be no more wallowing! Haven't had the infidelity, but I sure know the desire to make the other feel the pain I feel thing. Do you think the affair on some level was her wanting to do that to you but being too immature to even know that?
Author Tristram Posted November 22, 2005 Author Posted November 22, 2005 ThumbingMyWay, Quite possibly. It is hard not to be that way though. WhichWayIsUp, Your last sentence is absolutely true about me. I am starting to think she may be actually telling the truth about making things right. But there is nothing she can ever do that will make up for what she has done. Becoming, I did not care to make a list and tell her exactly what to do. I could, but I want her to figure that out. I dont want to feel like she thinks she has to do it because I said so. I want her to do what comes from the heart. That will say everything about her feelings about what she has done and about me. I dont think she did it to hurt me, otherwise she could have made things alot worse. I do believe she was only worried about herself though. And the immaturity is that she allowed herself to get in that situation and did not know how to deal with it all once it had happened.
Judas Christian Posted November 22, 2005 Posted November 22, 2005 Tristram, your situation sucks and I feel for you. It isn't fair that you should even be in this situation, having to deal with things as you are. Different people respond to these things different ways, and every individual has to figure out what's best for them. I wish I had some sort of positive advice to give you but I don't. All I can say is I feel for you and I hope things work out for the best, whatever direction that takes you.
Becoming Posted November 22, 2005 Posted November 22, 2005 So she's supposed to just know what you need without you telling her, and when she doesn't do it, you can feel justified in keeping her away? And punish her for not being a mindreader? Sorry, but that doesn't seem fair. Yes, she should ask what she can do to begin making whatever amends are possible, but she may not even know to do that. For your sake, you need to tell her what you need from her. That way, you'll know whether or not there's any hope for your marriage from your point of view. If she's so focused on her own pain in having to face being the worst thing she could imagine being (her father) that she can't respond to your pain, then all your marriage is is tandem solitary pain. You are certainly justified in condemning her as prosecuting attorney. No doubt, and as one who's enjoyed that role, I know, too, that it doesn't bring restitution. It just leaves one person condemned in prison and the other an empty victim. Without your grace, there is no way out of this. She simply can't undo it no matter who much she wishes otherwise. You're the one who holds the power of healing now through forgiveness, which is the hardest thing we probably ever learn to do. Forgiveness doesn't mean saying, "What you did is ok." It's not. But it is saying, "I'm willing to set aside my pain for now in order to see how we can continue to walk together in a way that doesn't hurt either of us." Tell her what you need, man, and expect her to meet the conditions you need in order to walk any further with her in marriage. Then the onus is on her, not you, which is where it belongs.
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