Here I am again and I'm so sad...

[mazza32cott]

Here I am again, once more sad and depressed...I have been wasting my time on this man for 14 months. i say wasting but I so wished I wasn't. It's like an addiction.

 

He went back to his ex a few times, then he came back from another state to me. I said he could stay here for a while, but I realised a few red flags and I said he had to move out and prove his love to me.

 

It took him 10 weeks to move out, he didn't understand this proving his love business.

 

He left on Friday, I said, I want to see you Friday night, he said I don't know when I'll see you. I said do I assume I'm single then, he said think what you like.

 

He met another woman and spent the weekend with her and as far as I know he is still with her.

 

He still sms me etc... But no time to see me as yet. I'm so confused so devastated.

 

Don't know what I can do. Still want him but dont want to live together straight away. I have to protect my assets and my kids, he has nothing. Please help me as to how I feel about al this. He sends me mixed messages coz he still emails me but he has shown me no actions.

 

I want a man who will stay with me and I am a sharing person but I need to know he is here for the right reasons. Is that wrong to ask?

I know you are going to think this is wrong. I have decided that I cannot let him back into my life on a permanent basis.

 

I do deserve a better man and one who is loyal and loves me.

 

When I don't return his sms he asks why not. Over the weekend I did not sms him so he rang me to see if we could talk.

 

Anyhow, he came over today and we talked, drank wine and had sex. I somehow feel a bit better because of that....

 

I told him I can't be with him right now, not that that was an option, I don't know. Far as I know he's still with the other woman. I told him I would be happy to be friends.

 

I know what you're probably thinking. I will get through this but I am not at the stage where I can say I wont see him again.

 

I know this sound bad but maybe it's because now I'm thinking, well there you go he is using another woman and obviously can't be faithful. I guess I would like to be around to see the day when she chucks him out and say I will say I told you so. He's not living with her yet but I think I know how he works. I bet anything that's what he's working on. To move in with her. I guess when I am ready, I would like to be the one to shut the door on him.

 

It's crazy I know but seeing him and sleeping with him is helping me for the moment.

 

Maz

[slubberdegullion]

I want to make sure I understand this correctly. Let me know if I've misread something here:

• He's still somewhat attached to his ex, because he keeps going back to her;
  
• He met someone else this past weekend and spent a naughty couple of days with her;
  
• He showed up at your place today for a chat and sex.

Do I have this right?

[mazza32cott]

He is no longer attached to his ex. His ex is in another state and I know that is finished.

 

He didn't want to move out of my house but I had to know he was here for the right reasons (in the past he went back to his ex after being with me).

 

He spat the dummy I guess, met someone else on the same night he moved out and is still with her one and a half weeks later.

 

Does he just want sex? Don't know he keeps sms me etc...

 

Maz

[Brokenheartedmom]

sounds to me like he is using you... when you lived together did he help you with anything?

[mazza32cott]

Yes, In the ten weeks he lived here, he did the washing, hung the clothes up, brought them back in (maybe 4 times) took out the bins (all the time) cleaned the bathroom (once), took curtains down and washed them, fixed th waterfall for my pond etc....

 

Don't know, I guess my ex did nothing so at least he did something. Not consistently everyday though....

 

Maz

[slubberdegullion]

sounds to me like he is using you...

My thoughts exactly.

[flyjetjay]

It sounds as if the guy is what we call here a "PLAYER" and using you only for a release and a "BOOTY CALL"! It sounds as if when something goes wrong he comes back to you? Its guys like that, that give good guys like myself a bad rap! If that would happen to me they would be so done and have no chance being with me ever! He already showed he cant be trusted or faithful.

[mazza32cott]

So happy you guys are responding.

 

I guess the hard thing is when you love someone you don't feel like there could be anyone else.

 

I have put a list under my mattress which lists everyting I want from a man. I have gone back to work after a week off, and it is difficult. I will keep going to work now, I have been going out, I have been talking to friends.

 

just hard to contemplate someone you love so much has just chucked you aside for another.

 

Then he keeps calling, it's like as soon as he thinks I am backing off he calls because he needs me to be there. Why?

 

Seeing him today and the intimacy has made me feel a bit more stregth. I didn't say I wanted to go back with him, in fact I said I want to be happy. I need a man who is honest, loyal and there for me when I need him. He said he misses me, can't understand where he keeps going wrong. Said he wants love etc....

 

I'm hell confused but seeing him did help me. I feel much better today than yesterday even though he has gone again.

 

I know this man will be around until I shut that door, don't know why, I just can't do it yet.

 

Maz

[flyjetjay]

Love and breaking up are never easy. Your heart will feel attached for some time, but it will go away. Your feelings are similar to that of someone like a drug addict or an alcoholic... fine and then get upset, then when the addiction is back brings you happiness, but only for the time it is there, then you try to quit again and it just goes in circles. Try writing him a letter and tell hime EXACTLY how you feel and lay it all on the line and tell him what you are wanting and need, and if he is unable to bring you any of your demands, tell him to get lost and move on with his games! You sound like a very good woman with a big heart and a caring loving personality that deserves nothing but the best and you shouldnt settle for second best!!

[mazza32cott]

Thanks for your kind words. I am a nice person and I have a lot of time for people. Unfortunately it is people like him who take advatage of my nature and yes I know he is doing that.

 

Feelings seem to cloud the issue. It's funny but I have dealt with another ex like this (not my ex husband) and it is what cured me. Eventually he jurt me so much that I did not care whether or not I saw him again. That ex (not the ex husband) still contacts me and I have seen him during the breakups of this ex but there is no more addictions. I guess I use him now to a degree. On saying that I could have seen him last week and didn't. I'm not ready yet. It's a strange world.

 

Guess I am a bstrd magnet. All I've managed to get. Need to change that somehow.

 

I am a very loyal person. Someday someone will give me the love I can return.

[mazza32cott]

Am so sad today, the pain doesn't seem to go away... I can't handle thinking of him with this other woman. Is he just getting on with his life, not thinking about me?

[mazza32cott]

I know this is contradicting my last message, guess I'm in confusion but What is so difficult is HE keeps contacting me. HE came over on Monday, we had sex. Why is this?

[mazza32cott]

I know I know I know. He is not good enough for me. I am an attractive woman and can quiet easily get another man. I guess part of it is that it is good knowing that he is here sleeping with me when he should be with her. Call it revenge, call it what you like but it is helping me get through this. Yes I am so sad, but I can't say I would be sadder if this didn't happen. I even know this sounds ridiculous, maybe I have a strange way of dealing with things.

 

You know my 14 year old is so beautiful. He said to me tonight, why don't you ask *** to move back in if that's what makes you happy. I love him to bits.

 

Maz

[mazza32cott]

Don't get me wrong. My son does not know everything that has gone on. Sure he knows I am sad. It's just nice to know he has feelings and cares about other people's happines.

[slubberdegullion]

Mazza;

 

At the risk of coming across as the a**h*** that I am...

 

get over this dude!.

 

Yes, love is painful and yes, breaking up is difficult. But you still have free will, you can still make the choice to be positive, you can still decide whether you want this man in your life or not.

 

It's all about choices. You can choose to be miserable and sad, or you can choose to deal with the pain in your own way, and then move on.

 

Dealing with this pain doesn't mean ignoring it or suppressing it; it does, however, mean retaking control of your life and your emotions. Your emotions are there to serve you, not the other way around.

[mazza32cott]

I know know know that you are right and I truly believe that ONE DAY I WILL find the right man because I do know what I don't want which is the reason I didn't want him to stay here.

 

He's a liar, a user, not loyal etc... Yes he does have an affection for me, I have a soft spot for him, and he is hard to get over, but I am going out and I am happy to be open to another relationship.

 

I can't say I wont see him again. Part of me wants to use him for what I did enjoy with him. Firstly because I did enjoy that side and secondly it is still sweet revenge. Proves the man can't even be loyal to the next one. Proves he's a user, there for the wrong reasons. Can you see the pleasure one gets from that?

 

I even get a bit of healing out of that. I know it's strange but it helps.

 

I will recover, I will find the right man. I deserve to.

 

Thanks so much for your replies.

[mazza32cott]

It's difficult. I know that I can do better than this man. I went out last night, had a good time, met a few guys, even got invited to go to a wedding. At the moment, I am not in the right frame of mind to move on with someone else but I am open to friends. I am not going to the wedding but I am going to a singles night with friends tonight.

 

As for the ex, a close male friend of mine said to me, if you want to keep seeing him and enjoy the things with him that you like, then there is no problem with that.

 

I guess I am feeling a bit confused right now. I do not contact the ex. He contacts me. When he does I do not know what I will say. Maybe I will see him, maybe I wont. If it's today, maybe I will. The problem is I am still in love with this man. I don't believe I have clarity of mind at the moment. Is there something wrong with doing something with someone if you want to? I guess the emotional expense is the problem, however, as painfull as it is, I know I have to move on to another because he is no good for me as far as a long term relationship goes.

 

I know he is using me as a safety net. I still enjoy the time together. Maybe I'll meet someone else tonight that may do it for me. Maybe I need that rebound person, however, that too is not fair. Why does it all have to be so complicated. It's too easy to say well just don't see him. I have feelings. As stupid as that is...

 

My last post mentioned revenge, I think I was just mad. Revenge would come back to me and that's not what I want...

 

Maz

[FataMorgana]

hey maz,

 

sorry to hear about the difficult situation you're going through. My advice is the same as slubber, try to get over this guy and move on to someone who will give you better.

 

About seeing this guy or not, it would be better not to see him ever again, you will get over him faster, but in a more painful manner.

 

If you think you can get over him and still see him (only to have sex with him mind you) do it, but it will make the healing process longer and it's really hard to detached your self from someone while still in contact with them. However, sometimes keep seeing them and feeling used it gets to the point you will feel even worse about seeing him than not seeing him , and then you will be ready to totally ditch him. Best thing to try to distance yourself and your feeling from him as much as possible.

 

good luck and keep posting, hard to get through the initial pain alone.

 

 

...and yes, going out, meeting some other people, making some friends and trying to have some fun is the best cure!

[mazza32cott]

Thanks for your replies, they really do help. Had a chat to my brother today and he has made me feel worse. Recons that my man was with me because he wanted to be and it's my fault for asking him to move out. But all I asked is for him to move out because he came back to me from his ex a couple of times and I needed to know that he was here for me and not for convenience. It wouldn't have been for long. Instead he picks up another woman on the same night. My brother says he was probably just feeling like he needed some comfort.

 

Am I wrong? I told him I loved him and that I still wanted to see him all the time. Said he could stay weekends. Told him I just needed him to show me he was here for me. Is that too much to ask?

 

Maz

[Nikita20]

Whatever you do DO NOT go back to this guy. He is using you. You made the right decision kicking him out. Why would you want a guy that isn't 100% loyal to you? Why would you want a guy that isn't 100% in to you? How could you possibly love someone like that? You deserve better and keep telling yourself that. Don't listen to what your brother said. His remarks are totally out of line. If a man loves a woman, has relationship issues, he doesn't go to another woman for comfort. You made the right decision. Don't listen to your friends advice saying that it is OK for your ex to come over. Does your friend agree that it is ok for your ex to see another woman at the same time? I don't think so.

 

The next step you need to take is strict 100% NC. Do not call him. Do not answer his calls. Otherwise, this guy is going to keep using you like a doormat. You CAN do this. I know it hurts, but you need to be strong, you need to heal and get over this guy.

 

I know that I sound harsh, but I just don't want to see you getting hurt again and again. Because at the rate you are going, you will.

[mazza32cott]

Thanks Nikita

 

I know you are right. Found out yesterday that he has been using my phone to reply to adds out of the paper from women looking for relationships. Can't find my last bill (maybe he took it), but I do know that he has been responding to adds about twice a week and this bill starts from 10 days after he came back to me.

 

I am angry but still so sad. Still don't know if I have the strength to not see him. I have had no contact for 8 days. I know he will contact me. I know he will land back on my doorstep. I know that I can't possibly give him another chance. How can someone come into your life, use you like this, live with you and your children and then treat you this bad. I know all his family and he knows all of mine. I do think he had strong feelings for me but obviously no depth to them.

 

Part of me wants to let him know had bad it is to treat people like this. He needs someone to knock some sense into him I think, someone to give it back to him. Maybe when he comes back, I will make him believe he is in and when I feel he is back and trying to give it another go, I will cut him off and tell him why. Madness I know but he needs to realise that hat he is doing is wrong.

 

Any advice?

 

Maz

[Nikita20]

WHAT!? He used your phone to reply to personal ads? Mazza, don't even GIVE this loser a 2nd chance. This is the writing on the wall. He is treating you horribly. If he comes to your door, don't even bother answering it. As mentioned before, do 100% NC, that will make him realize how wrong he is. You don't need to tell him this. By keeping up the contact with him, he will think that he can get away with anything with you and continue using you like a doormat. You aren't a doormat. You are a decent, respectable person that deserves much more.

 

I know you feel sad. I know this is terrible and you don't deserve this, you deserve better. Work on yourself right now and heal. Do anything and everything to boost your confidence, even if it means talking to a counselor. Stay away from this guy. You need to heal and move on. Don't waste any more time on him. It isn't worth it.