Separating, New to the forums, Advice?

[Darkfire]

I've been reading alot of advice on these forums, as I am about to begin separation tomorrow. Here's our background:

 

I'm 29, my wife is 28, we have three beautiful (and saddened) children 8,6 and 3. We dated for 3 months and decided to get married. A month or so later we became pregnant for our first child. We've had one heck of a struggle for our relationship, and although we've made just about every single mistake one could make in their relationship, there has been a lot of love for each other and our children. In the past we have both been physically and verbally abusive with each other, but thankfully we were able to overcome the physical part of that, and have been free of that burden for many years now. I myself can be lazy and unresponsive, especially when it comes to playing games on the iternet. I have never been unfaithful in our relationship but I do use internet porn when she is sexually distant. One of the worst things that I have ever done, and will probably never live down, is that I was going through a stage of hanging out with friends and staying up late, and two times my kids left the house while I was crashed out in the morning. This also was many years ago, and I have changed in that regard that I no longer stay out all nght with friends, and have greatly improved my responsibility to our children.

 

For her, she can be very lazy (more than me) hygenically speaking, (tampons on the toilet, dishes left undone, sticky kids etc.) She is very quick tempered, with me and with the kids, and often says the most hurtful thing she can when she feels threatened in any way. Neither of us work very good jobs, and for all that I've asked, she won't get her G.E.D. Her parents still treat her like she is 12, and they are basically at our house everyday, (everybody loves raymond comes to mind.) She has been at the very least emotionally unfaithful twice, and I suspect more, but she denies it, and I want to trust her.

 

I found a note suggesting she had a relationship with another man, we got into a fight and I left for a week to see my family, then drove 1.5k miles and have been home for a week. I am packing my things up tonight, as she has stated she does not love me anymore, and can't live with me anymore. I begged and cried and pleaded for any solution to our relationship, and we have agreed on counseling, and some-contact separation.

 

In truth, we are much better people now, then the people I described earlier, our younger more foolish selves. I guess my question is, is a marriage that has gone through this much hurt but has endured to this point, saveable?

And is it even worth saving? I know I don't want to go back to our old relationship, and so the only reason we are putting off divorce now is to see if we have anything left. We both care about each other very much, probably even more than most couples, but we have so much history that it really makes it hard for us to not resent each other. I don't think either of us wants divorce, but we do want a healthy relationship. We are grown up now, and we both know that things must change. Is it possible at this point?

[Scott S]

I guess my question is, is a marriage that has gone through this much hurt but has endured to this point, saveable?

And is it even worth saving?

 

Welcome to the board.

 

I'll answer your questions in order.

 

Yes, any marriage is saveable, provided both partners want to, & are willing to put forth the requisite effort. You say that you both still care about each other, & have agreed to counseling. That tells me that you are so willing.

 

Worth saving? I believe you have already decided that it is. Otherwise you would be meeting with attorneys instead of a counselor.

 

Personally I'm not very sanguine about separations, as they can result in loss of coupleness. However, I do recognize that they are sometimes necessary, as personal issues have become very entangled with the relationship problems, making the personal problems impossible to correct.

 

With a view to that, it is very important to maintain regular contact, with the both of you as the subject matter as well as your children. Be sure the counselor is aware that a separation exists.

 

Good luck!

[Darkfire]

Thanks for your reply Scott. I moved out today, start counseling in two days, anti depressants yesterday, and we are maintaining contact, but it has been difficult. I REALLY want to talk about our relationship, get everything out, and she doesn't want to talk about it, she wants to try to just enjoy a day together. We had a couple good days of just enjoying being busy with the kids and each other, but of course I can't hide my feelings very long when things turn awkward. I'm counting the minutes til counseling starts because I am so confused right now, hard to make up my mind. One minute I love her and am willing to go through whatever it takes to save our marriage, and then the next I feel like filing for a divorce before the day lets out. Does anyone recommend a type of separation? I see that there is no-contact, some-contact, and I guess full-contact (lol). Right now, it doesn't seem like no contact would work because we have the kids who need us both, and sometimes together right now. I suppose we are doing some-contact right now, we've gone a date, we call each other and help each other, kiss occasionally, but no sex, and no sleeping at each other's house. The problem here is that I feel I am getting too attached to an otherwise emotionally unsecure situation (I.E. We are satisfying each others emotional needs to a point, but this could go away at any time right now) Any suggestions? Very very very confused here.

[Scott S]

Hello Again!

 

Yes, difficult indeed. Significant changes in your lives. A lot to absorb in a short time. No wonder you’re confused. So with a view to that, right now is NOT the time to be making major life decisions (i.e. divorce).

 

I would bet that she is every bit as confused & conflicted as you are right now. Talking is difficult for her too. More so, apparently. So for now, don’t aggravate the situation by attempting to force a discussion about your marriage. She will open up when she is ready to do so. The counseling starts soon, & once underway there will be ample opportunity to discuss the relationship.

 

One other thing, once counseling does begin, try to resist the urge to insist on relationship discussion immediately. For the first session, at least, be prepared to keep your peace, & listen attentively to what she has to say, without becoming defensive or argumentative.

 

There are different types of separation, & which one is appropriate depends on the situation. What you are in now appaears to be a trial separation. You each have a lot of personal problems that have had a detrimental effect on your relationship. The purpose of a TS is to provide some emotional space & allow each of you to solve your individual issues. Once that’s accomplished, you will each be better equipped to resolve your relationship issues.

 

There are some risks, of course. Substantial risks. Living apart, it is difficult to maintain a couple mentality. The intent being to mend the relationship, it is necessary to maintain contact. Controlled, quality contact. The amount & frequency depends on the couple, & what they can agree on. This would be good subject matter for a communications exercise.

 

There is a book called Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends, by Drs Bruce Fischer & Robert Alberti. In the appendices, there is a discussion of what they refer to as “Healing Separation” I believe you would find it to be useful reading. If you do a search engine on “healing separation,” you can find excerpts to read.

 

Good luck with the counseling. Let us know how it goes.

___________________________________

If the world were perfect, it wouldn't be. - Yogi Berra

[Darkfire]

Ugggg. Well tonight we have a different story. We had agreed that she would have no-contact with her 3rd party friend, and that I would not see anyone during this either, but what do I find out......big surprise...my lying and cheating wife, has lied and cheated once again. Tonight I got the "You've ruined 9 years of my life bit and that, although she is willing to try counseling, she still doesnt love me. So tonight I am pretty much letting go of my emotions for her, and we will probably start a divorce soon. In some ways it feels like a great weight has been lifted, and in other ways, a terribly sad ending to something that should have been wonderful.

[Scott S]

I’m sorry to hear that. I don’t fault you for being upset. That had to be a difficult conversation.

 

You have to make this decision for yourself, of course, but speaking from the view of a neutral third party, I would still advise not making any major life decisions in your present frame of mind.

 

Since she is still willing to attempt counseling, you should consider doing likewise. If you still end up in family court, at least you will know that you made a good-faith effort to mend the relationship, & not simply gave up at the first obstacles you encountered.