ExpatInItaly Posted May 10, 2023 Posted May 10, 2023 Did all these other people have the same insecurity in their relationship at 6 months? A man with a history of compromising his relationships in favour oh his job? A man who pulled a 180 and now makes you question how much he’s even into you? It the answer to the above is no, it’s pointless asking anyone else if they “knew” by 6 months. Apples and oranges.
Wiseman2 Posted May 10, 2023 Posted May 10, 2023 On 4/27/2023 at 9:33 AM, JiltedJane said: We talked about the future, we’re on the same page with what we want, plans to eventually move in, met each others families, no bs. It's just talk right now, so don't worry about it. Neither of you has taken any action towards the future. Talk means nothing but pipe dreaming a bit and as a single dad with parental and financial responsibilities, he has a great deal to sort out and consider before taking actual real steps towards a future. All you can do is continue getting to know him and his patterns better and observe if you're happy, satisfied and compatible. Maybe this is a glitch or something transitional with his job or an adjustment period, but only time will tell what his patterns are like and if you can live with that. 1
tigerlilly29 Posted May 10, 2023 Posted May 10, 2023 54 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: Did all these other people have the same insecurity in their relationship at 6 months? A man with a history of compromising his relationships in favour oh his job? A man who pulled a 180 and now makes you question how much he’s even into you? It the answer to the above is no, it’s pointless asking anyone else if they “knew” by 6 months. Apples and oranges. Every guy told me they did freak out as well when having these thoughts. I gave this guy the option twice now to break up if he wanted. He’s insisting that’s not what he wants. So why wouldn’t he take the opportunity to leave that I handed him?
tigerlilly29 Posted May 10, 2023 Posted May 10, 2023 37 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: It's just talk right now, so don't worry about it. Neither of you has taken any action towards the future. Talk means nothing but pipe dreaming a bit and as a single dad with parental and financial responsibilities, he has a great deal to sort out and consider before taking actual real steps towards a future. All you can do is continue getting to know him and his patterns better and observe if you're happy, satisfied and compatible. Maybe this is a glitch or something transitional with his job or an adjustment period, but only time will tell what his patterns are like and if you can live with that. How much space should I give? How many days should I wait in terms of waiting to text/call? I'm not talking about how long to give the relationship.
Wiseman2 Posted May 10, 2023 Posted May 10, 2023 1 minute ago, tigerlilly29 said: How much space should I give? How many days should I wait in terms of waiting to text/call? Step back completely. Do not contact him at all unless he contacts you. See if he steps up. This will allow you to observe a lot more about who he is and how he acts. What he does voluntary and without prompting, is a much more accurate picture of what he's about.
NuevoYorko Posted May 10, 2023 Posted May 10, 2023 1 hour ago, tigerlilly29 said: He’s the one who brought this stuff up… not me. I was enjoying the dating part until this new job. I kept telling him in the convo that he’s the one putting the timeline on here and overthinking stuff. He even admitted I haven’t put any pressure on him. Did I say or imply that you brought it up? No. I don't care who brought it up. It does not fit with where you are. These conversations are just dragging both of you down, since he isn't even supporting your relationship in meaningful ways. 1 hour ago, tigerlilly29 said: besides, everyone I know, including my friends and family knew by six months if the person they were with was really the one. My own parents got engaged after only three months and they’ve been together 45 years. granted, I know that’s not the norm for most people. But everyone I’ve talked to, and they’ve been mostly guys… Because I try to go to guys for guy advice… have said that they knew their wives were the one way before six months. And ... not only psychics, but evidently every person you know and all kinds of random guys are influencing your perspective, right along with the psychics. Please move on and let this sad situation die a dignified death!
ExpatInItaly Posted May 10, 2023 Posted May 10, 2023 2 hours ago, tigerlilly29 said: Every guy told me they did freak out as well when having these thoughts. You didn't understand my point. My point was not that he freaked out as a result of thinking about a future with you. My point was that you were already dropping down the list of priorities before you even had this talk. My point was that this man has a pattern of doing this in other relationships, according to mutual friends. I am going to bet not all the guys you consutled had already demoted their girlfriends before they had a talk about the future, nor did they have a habit of doing so with other girlfriends. Did they? If not, you are trying to draw comparisons based on totally different premises, and thus, you are wasting your time seeking reassurance from them. If they don't otherwise behave like him in relationships, they can't predict with much accuracy what is going on in his mind. 2 hours ago, tigerlilly29 said: . So why wouldn’t he take the opportunity to leave that I handed him? Who said he wanted to break up? He gets to have you around even though he is putting many other things ahead of you, which history suggests is his comfort zone. This distant sort of relationship seems to suit him just fine. He goes on living the way he prefers, and fits you in where it's convenient. Win-win...for him. 2 hours ago, tigerlilly29 said: How many days should I wait in terms of waiting to text/call? Until he reaches out first. 1
tigerlilly29 Posted May 10, 2023 Posted May 10, 2023 For the record, when I talked to his friends, he always is hussling, whether he’s in a relationship or not. Just works non-stop. Has always worked 2-3 jobs at a time. Not that this is a great excuse for his behavior now. I’m just clarifying that he doesn’t start doing this whenever he’s in a relationship . he just has these workaholic tendencies.
Alpacalia Posted May 10, 2023 Posted May 10, 2023 (edited) Interestingly, you did not address the question of what qualities he possesses that you value. As intent as you are on seeking his attention, you ignore how he balances and manages his other commitments and his personal life. You are also ignoring how he handles these moments with you and if that's what you seek in a life partner. When you're trying to shove your nose in his face, he can't show you anything. Even more so now that he has introduced the prospect of marriage. Which frankly, seems a bit rash and one sided. Edited May 10, 2023 by Alpacalia
tigerlilly29 Posted May 10, 2023 Posted May 10, 2023 (edited) 22 minutes ago, Alpacalia said: Interestingly, you did not address the question of what qualities he possesses that you value. As intent as you are on seeking his attention, you ignore how he balances and manages his other commitments and his personal life. You are also ignoring how he handles these moments with you and if that's what you seek in a life partner. When you're trying to shove your nose in his face, he can't show you anything. Even more so now that he has introduced the prospect of marriage. Which frankly, seems a bit rash and one sided. Sorry, I missed that part of your one post. I feel like this site has a delay in updating sometimes. As for traits-he is a wonderful man. Loves kids, funniest person I know-wer’e constantly laughing, generous to a fault, very kind to his mother (which is a trait I take seriously), takes great pride in his house and property, passionate about his hobbies, creative (artsy and plays several instruments), knows how to take care of himself, independent, supports and seems proud of my career, gets along great with my family, especially my dad (another super important trait I’ve been looking for in a partner),we share several of the same interests/likes/dislikes, he’s affectionate, he’s smart but not a know it all, tons of friends, seems proud (not ashamed) to be with me in public, compliments me frequently …. The list goes on and on. I do like the fact that he loves his work and is not a slouch, it’s just the workaholic tendencies and this dramatic shift in communication Edited May 10, 2023 by tigerlilly29
ExpatInItaly Posted May 10, 2023 Posted May 10, 2023 19 minutes ago, tigerlilly29 said: I’m just clarifying that he doesn’t start doing this whenever he’s in a relationship Well, yeah. That was already clear. You are just simply now seeing who he really is. If you are hoping he changes, you are probaby going to be very disappointed.
Alpacalia Posted May 10, 2023 Posted May 10, 2023 (edited) 17 minutes ago, tigerlilly29 said: Sorry, I missed that part of your one post. I feel like this site has a delay in updating sometimes. As for traits-he is a wonderful man. Loves kids, funniest person I know-wer’e constantly laughing, generous to a fault, very kind to his mother (which is a trait I take seriously), takes great pride in his house and property, passionate about his hobbies, creative (artsy and plays several instruments), knows how to take care of himself, independent, supports and seems proud of my career, gets along great with my family, especially my dad (another super important trait I’ve been looking for in a partner),we share several of the same interests/likes/dislikes, he’s affectionate, he’s smart but not a no it all, seems proud (not ashamed) to be with me in public…. The list goes on and on. I do like the fact that he loves his work and is not a slouch, it’s just the workaholic tendencies and this dramatic shift in communication Okay. So part of that includes the value of his strong work ethic and how hard he works. In other words, you value his highly motivated and hardworking attitude. If so, you can't expect him to be someone other than who he is. Give him the space and respect he needs to show you the best version of himself. Giving him the space to express himself at his own pace will allow him to show his true self and let you appreciate him for who he is, rather than what you expect from him. Consider what you really need from him and what he can realistically commit to. If he needs space to be himself, give him that, just make sure you're not neglecting your own. Edited May 10, 2023 by Alpacalia 1
NuevoYorko Posted May 10, 2023 Posted May 10, 2023 So far you have consulted: Psychics (half of them say he has another woman) Your family Your friends Mutual friends HIS friends. 132308 people on LoveShack Is it weird that I find this troubling? Why can't you keep your own counsel a little bit and try to read the guy and what's going on with him? 1
tigerlilly29 Posted May 10, 2023 Posted May 10, 2023 27 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said: So far you have consulted: Psychics (half of them say he has another woman) Your family Your friends Mutual friends HIS friends. 132308 people on LoveShack Is it weird that I find this troubling? Why can't you keep your own counsel a little bit and try to read the guy and what's going on with him? I didn’t consult HIS friends, that’s taken out of context from a previous post. The people I spoke to are MUTUAL friends. People we’ve both known for years and can vouch for my and his character. I didn’t run to HIS friends that I don’t have any other type of relationship with. That would be overstepping. im not sure why you’re coming back to this post, the last thing I posted was in response to another person asking what qualities about him I liked
Wiseman2 Posted May 10, 2023 Posted May 10, 2023 3 hours ago, tigerlilly29 said: I do like the fact that he loves his work and is not a slouch, it’s just the workaholic tendencies and this dramatic shift in communication It seems like he has a lot of qualities you like. All you can do is take your time to see if his devotion to work is leaving enough time for the kind of relationship you want. This is why sometimes people recommend dating a year before serious talk. It gives them a chance to observe someone though all seasons, so to speak. 1
tigerlilly29 Posted May 10, 2023 Posted May 10, 2023 1 hour ago, NuevoYorko said: So far you have consulted: Psychics (half of them say he has another woman) Your family Your friends Mutual friends HIS friends. 132308 people on LoveShack Is it weird that I find this troubling? Why can't you keep your own counsel a little bit and try to read the guy and what's going on with him? Also I didn’t consult family. I’m going by what I know of my own family members throughout the years when they talked about “the one” and when they knew. but the guy friends I did consult did say they knew their wives were the one, but also initially freaked out and pulled back a bit.
NuevoYorko Posted May 10, 2023 Posted May 10, 2023 (edited) 2 hours ago, tigerlilly29 said: I didn’t consult HIS friends, that’s taken out of context from a previous post. The people I spoke to are MUTUAL friends. People we’ve both known for years and can vouch for my and his character. I didn’t run to HIS friends that I don’t have any other type of relationship with. That would be overstepping. There's nothing wrong with getting the opinion of someone you trust, but it seems like you are using the opinions of others to analyze the guy. Most of the people don't know him, and the ones who do, IMO, should not be getting brought into the middle of your relationship. All of this casting about is going to do nothing but fuel your anxiety and make it much harder for you to actually HEAR and READ the actual man in front of you, and be fully present in your relationship with him. Edited May 10, 2023 by NuevoYorko
ExpatInItaly Posted May 11, 2023 Posted May 11, 2023 10 hours ago, NuevoYorko said: it seems like you are using the opinions of others to analyze the guy That's what I picked up, too. All you can do, OP, is ask yourself what works for you. You're seeing him for who he is. Does it feel good? Does it feel like enough for you? Are you able to withstand increased distance? Those are the points you need to reflect on for you. Mutual friends, posters here, psychics and the lady down the street cannot answer those things for you. 3
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