Alpacalia Posted April 28, 2023 Posted April 28, 2023 I would let him take as much time as he needs to figure out what's going on and solve the problems in his life. When there's a sudden shift, you're probably freaking out a bit, but that's completely normal. Try not to fix, or try to bring him closer. Instead, use this time to make your life better. Don't talk to his friends. If he's blowing you off like he did last Sunday, let him come to you. Don't beg for his attention. Show him that you have a life of your own, and that you don't need him to be happy. Just let him be and accept whatever he's going through. If he needs to talk, he'll come to you. He needs to make the effort to call you, text you, invite you out. If he decides he doesn’t want to be in the relationship, that sucks… but it can't be avoided. Nothing you can say or do will change his mind. 1
spiritedaway2003 Posted April 28, 2023 Posted April 28, 2023 You can give it time to see if this situation improves in a few weeks. At the beginning of a job, things ARE expected to be busy. I will also add that even when I had very busy stretches, I'd still make time for the people in my life. My partner is the same way. I think it's the norm and not the exception. You communicated your needs. He communicated his. If that's his "style" of communicating when he's busy is to just go near no-contact mode, it may speak to both your compatibility level and where the relationship falls in the list of "priorities". Your concerns are legitimate. Do your own thing for now and see if things change. Short term, you have to account for change in life situations (new job is one of them). If this continues, it could be a signal that he doesn't want to be in the relationship. FWIW, I certainly wouldn't want to be in such a relationship. That might not be what you want to hear, but it's better to know sooner before you invest more time together. 1
tigerlilly29 Posted April 28, 2023 Posted April 28, 2023 Update: I was blocked on this site from responding for a bit He finally texted back “ sorry, I’m alive, just struggling with time” I honestly don’t know how to respond to this… If it all. I don’t wanna play games. I also don’t wanna be a doormat should I let him contact me again? Or respond?
NuevoYorko Posted April 28, 2023 Posted April 28, 2023 Why not take the advice already given here? Step back and give him space. Do not play games, so that means you should respond to him in a caring way. Something to the effect of "I'm looking forward to hearing from you when you have some breathing room." Then get on with your life. Do NOT talk to your mutual friends about him. I'm surprised that you actually have mutual friendships intimate enough for this kind of talk after only being together for 6 - 7 months, honestly. In any case it's not appropriate. Talk about your relationship with your own personal friends. And, as I said, if you want to keep up the interaction with psychics who are telling you he's seeing others, just cut the cord, stop the bleeding and move on. 1
Wiseman2 Posted April 28, 2023 Posted April 28, 2023 4 hours ago, tigerlilly29 said: He finally texted back “ Sorry I’m alive, just struggling with time” . I also don’t wanna be a doormat should I let him contact me again? Or respond? What was that text in response to? What is he apologizing for? Just step back and see what he does. Unfortunately it seems like he's slowly backing away from the too much too soon scenario and trying to create space and distance. There's no need to reply to this since it's a reply to whatever you sent him. His text also doesn't mention anything about future contact or getting together, just "sorry busy bye". 1
Calmandfocused Posted April 28, 2023 Posted April 28, 2023 I wouldn’t reply to this either. I’d simply accept that he’s blowing me off and I’d get on with my life. Never voluntarily offer yourself to be the bottom of the pecking order in someone’s life. 2
Andy_K Posted April 28, 2023 Posted April 28, 2023 6 months should be long enough for him to build up enough goodwill that you can handle a few weeks of less contact. Give him that time and see what changes. If you end up cutting your losses after 7 months or 8 it will make no real difference to the rest of your life, but giving him long enough to know for sure whether things can go back to the way things were might well do. 1
ShyViolet Posted April 28, 2023 Posted April 28, 2023 10 hours ago, tigerlilly29 said: He finally texted back “ sorry, I’m alive, just struggling with time” I honestly don’t know how to respond to this… If it all. I don’t wanna play games. I also don’t wanna be a doormat should I let him contact me again? Or respond? I wouldn't respond to this. I would stop trying and see if he actually puts in any effort to continue this relationship. If this is honestly all he can give you, these tiny crumbs, then the best thing you can do is walk away. Do not chase him and do not keep trying when you are the only one doing so. 1
Lotsgoingon Posted April 28, 2023 Posted April 28, 2023 You respond by running. But first you need to come of denial. This IS him--how he's behaving now. This is not stress, it's not an emergency. This is HIM! His friends told you that. Face the sadness (I know it's excruciating), face the death of all your hopes based on the early days, and then let go and move on. What's the confusion here?
tigerlilly29 Posted April 28, 2023 Posted April 28, 2023 the last time I spoke to him previously (before the last text), he told me he was still in love with me and wanted to keep dating. The last time I saw him he took a selfie of us together. Hence my confusion. I did send a message back today saying “Hope your days have been going better. Let me know if we're still meeting up tomorrow and what time” now I just wait
ShyViolet Posted April 28, 2023 Posted April 28, 2023 57 minutes ago, tigerlilly29 said: the last time I spoke to him previously (before the last text), he told me he was still in love with me and wanted to keep dating. The last time I saw him he took a selfie of us together. Hence my confusion. He tells you that, yet he acts extremely distant and hasn't been communicating with you. You need to look at his actions, not his words. Saying he wants to be with you means absolutely nothing if his actions don't back it up. 57 minutes ago, tigerlilly29 said: now I just wait That's fine but don't want around too long. You should give it a timeframe. If things don't get better in say, a month, stop keeping your life on hold for this. A relationship that leaves you feeling sad, unfulfilled and constantly wondering what is going on is not a relationship you should continue. 1 1
Lotsgoingon Posted April 28, 2023 Posted April 28, 2023 OK, a selfie means NOTHING. Saying he loves you means nothing. So what that he loves you? Doesn't mean he's relationship material. Doesn't mean he can follow through on that love. Doesn't even mean that he used "love" in the way you think he used love. People fudge that word all the time. "Love" could mean "I really like you." I say "love you" to young people I work with. Love is not enough for relationships--even if he used that word. Doesn't mean there is compatibility, doesn't mean he knows how to act on that love. Doesn't mean he's not a complete jerk who could ruin your life. Give up this teenage "love" idea. You don't care that he said he's in love--you care that he has disappeared.That speaks louder than anything else.
spiderowl Posted April 28, 2023 Posted April 28, 2023 I would spend time with your friends and keep yourself busy. Do not assume this relationship will continue. If it goes on like this for more than 3 weeks, I would end the relationship. His priorities lie elsewhere. A friend of mine had an incredibly demanding management job. He always put his partner first whenever he could 1
Wiseman2 Posted April 28, 2023 Posted April 28, 2023 2 hours ago, tigerlilly29 said: I did send a message back today saying “Hope your days have been going better. Let me know if we're still meeting up tomorrow and what time” now I just wait Exactly. You shot your shot, so now step back and see what he does. This will be a good way to assess what's going on. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted April 29, 2023 Posted April 29, 2023 8 hours ago, tigerlilly29 said: he told me he was still in love with me and wanted to keep dating. The last time I saw him he took a selfie of us together. Hence my confusion. Sweet words and a seflie are quite meaningless when his behaviour is otherwise this inconsistent.
Alpacalia Posted April 29, 2023 Posted April 29, 2023 Your response was essentially telling him that you'll be there for him whenever he needs you. I would have said that I'm feeling some confusion from him. Which is totally fine. That you're going to take some space because you don't want to get closer to someone that doesn't know what he wants. Unless he tells you how he feels about you, it's hard for you get closer to him. Your relationship depends on clarity, so you're going to take some time away from this to figure out whether this is something you'd like to pursue. Apart from that, what appeals to you about this man? Does he have wonderful relationship traits? Obviously, he is not able to show up for you. So it can't be that. 1
tigerlilly29 Posted May 9, 2023 Posted May 9, 2023 (edited) So communication has gotten slightly better, but not to the degree it used to be. I find myself reaching out more than half the time and he does reply.But I’ll see he’s on IG during the day, and there’s no good morning texts or checking in, which makes my anxiety soar. Not last weekend, but the previous we had a long long discussion. Basically he was saying he’s in love with me, I’m the one, etc etc. only conundrum is that he’s afraid he won’t be able to have a family because of this job. He kept going back and forth asking what ring I wanted, would I take his last name and then freaking out about paying for preschools and being an abstenee dad. He kept saying he didn’t want to break up, again I’m the one etc. We had follow up convo the next day to confirm our future plans. Conclusion is we’re going to figure out a way to make it work with this job and having a family eventually. He was kind of standoffish and blamed it on having a cold and me giving off same vibe. This weekend, I asked again if we’re okay and he said “yes, stop overthinking… you focus too much on the negative, I feel like your not listening-we’re okay”…( he was calm, not yelling or mean) but I still feel like somethings off. He was more physically affectionate than he was the week before, but not all over me like he’s been in the past. Idk if it was because we were with his friends and they were staying over….or again if I’m being overly negative. I did hear him telling his friends multiple times that this job is killing him and s*** seems to be hitting the fan with everything. I don’t know what to do. Idk if I should continue reaching out to him, I don’t want to appear clingy or annoying. I’m just so used to him always initiating. I also don’t know if I should believe our convo about the future. I gave him the option to break up and he was insistent that he did not want to. I don’t know if I am just overthinking and being negative. I feel like I have PTSD from my past relationships and it’s affecting the way I’m reacting to this. Edited May 9, 2023 by tigerlilly29
Alpacalia Posted May 9, 2023 Posted May 9, 2023 When you know he just started a super stressful new job, why do you keep reaching out to him so much? Constantly reaching out can be overwhelming for someone who is already experiencing a lot of stress in their life. It might be better to give him some space and let him come to you when he is ready.
tigerlilly29 Posted May 9, 2023 Posted May 9, 2023 (edited) 10 minutes ago, Alpacalia said: When you know he just started a super stressful new job, why do you keep reaching out to him so much? Constantly reaching out can be overwhelming for someone who is already experiencing a lot of stress in their life. It might be better to give him some space and let him come to you when he is ready. I only reach out once a day- if I don’t hear from him. And it’s always in the evening when he’s at his own business. (Foreman by day, his own business at night to clarify). I reach out because I don’t want him to think I’m selfish, or pulling away myself , or that I don’t care, to think I’m not supportive, and most of all I don’t want him to forget about me…. Edited May 9, 2023 by tigerlilly29
flow28 Posted May 9, 2023 Posted May 9, 2023 I get that he's overwhelmed with work but he won't find a second to text or call back within two days, especially that you've been dating for 6 months? He said he would call you and he didn't, what does that tell you? He can't be so busy every second of the day. Tell him your communication expectations and that you want to see him more than twice a week. If he can't change that it signifies he has too much work to prioritize a relationship right now.
Alpacalia Posted May 9, 2023 Posted May 9, 2023 8 minutes ago, tigerlilly29 said: I only reach out once a day- if I don’t hear from him. And it’s always in the evening when he’s at his own business. (Foreman by day, his own business at night to clarify). I reach out because I don’t want him to think I’m selfish, or pulling away myself , or that I don’t care, to think I’m not supportive, and most of all I don’t want him to forget about me…. Giving someone a bit of breathing room isn't selfish. Taking care of yourself is also not selfish. What are the chances of not hearing from him for days on end if you don't contact him? In that case, you are pointing to something much bigger. I won't even get into the whole marriage discussion. There seems to be a lot of frantic energy in him. The same goes for you. Taking a bit of breathing room gives both of you the opportunity to step back and evaluate the situation. It allows for each of you to take the time to think about how you are feeling, what your needs are, and what kind of relationship you want. 1 1
Wiseman2 Posted May 9, 2023 Posted May 9, 2023 1 hour ago, tigerlilly29 said: I only reach out once a day- if I don’t hear from him. And it’s always in the evening when he’s at his own business. That's a good approach. Touching base, not too much, not too little. Hope things smooth out and work out. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted May 10, 2023 Posted May 10, 2023 13 hours ago, tigerlilly29 said: he was saying he’s in love with me, I’m the one, etc etc. only conundrum is that he’s afraid he won’t be able to have a family because of this job. He kept going back and forth asking what ring I wanted, would I take his last name and then freaking out about paying for preschools and being an abstenee dad Whoa, whoa, whoa. You two have been dating six months. What is with all this talk about wanting to "confirm future plans"? Both of you need to give it a rest. See if you're still together 6 months from now. Then revist future plans. He currently clearly has no clue what he really wants, so please don't bank of any of it. Take a breath. Step back and observe. See what he does without nudging from you. 1
NuevoYorko Posted May 10, 2023 Posted May 10, 2023 Are you actually engaged? You're already talking about rings and preschools? I suggest you stop this. If you want to keep dating and see how / where it goes, if he settles into his new work situation, that's fine. But why talk about rings if the two of you aren't even solid enough that he will contact you daily on his own? Big time "cart before horse" and you are both pushing it to end by doing this stuff. Which might be okay.
tigerlilly29 Posted May 10, 2023 Posted May 10, 2023 (edited) 1 hour ago, NuevoYorko said: Are you actually engaged? You're already talking about rings and preschools? I suggest you stop this. If you want to keep dating and see how / where it goes, if he settles into his new work situation, that's fine. But why talk about rings if the two of you aren't even solid enough that he will contact you daily on his own? Big time "cart before horse" and you are both pushing it to end by doing this stuff. Which might be okay. He’s the one who brought this stuff up… not me. I was enjoying the dating part until this new job. I kept telling him in the convo that he’s the one putting the timeline on here and overthinking stuff. He even admitted I haven’t put any pressure on him. besides, everyone I know, including my friends and family knew by six months if the person they were with was really the one. My own parents got engaged after only three months and they’ve been together 45 years. granted, I know that’s not the norm for most people. But everyone I’ve talked to, and they’ve been mostly guys… Because I try to go to guys for guy advice… have said that they knew their wives were the one way before six months. again, I have not been pushing marriage or kids. He’s the one who came up with all these thoughts on his own. Edited May 10, 2023 by tigerlilly29
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