JiltedJane Posted April 27, 2023 Posted April 27, 2023 (edited) I’ve been dating a great guy for 6 months now. I’m 38, he’s 39. We went to same high school but never talked. Just knew of each other. 20 yrs later we bump into each other at a friends party and sparks flew. Everything was going perfectly. We talked about the future, we’re on the same page with what we want, plans to eventually move in, met each others families, no bs. Every morning I’d get a “good morning” first thing. He’d text me throughout the day. At night always a “goodnight, I love u” Then three weeks ago he started a new job. New responsibilities, more pay, more traveling (by car). He also has his own business that takes up a nice chunk of time after that job. (He’s a carpenter). As soon as he started, the texting/calling became less and less. When I reach out to him he either never responds or it will be 8-9 hrs later with a one word answer. This week he already twice has gone two days without reaching out or responding to me. We were hanging out 3-4 times a week. Now it’s only 2 if I’m lucky. When we do see each other… it’s fine. He’s the same as he was before job. However, last Sunday he blew me off last minute because of work. Thats one of the times he went two days without contact. I’ve talked to him about this twice and he just keeps saying his overwhelmed with work and trying to catch up on projects for his own business. He keeps saying we can hang out only in the evenings on weekends for the next few weeks. Yesterday, he sent me a weird message saying he thinks he’s getting a cold and that he’ll call me later. He never did. Against my better judgement, I’ve called twice and texted-that was 24 hrs ago, no response. I talked to our mutual friends about it, they said he does tend to overwhelm himself with work and it messed up his relationships. He himself told me that has happened. There have also been two times now where he has sent messages that didn’t go through and he showed me screen shot to prove it. Right now I’m really freaking out. I can’t eat or sleep. Idk if it’s really just the job or he’s purposely avoiding me. Until this new job, everything was going swimmingly. to make it worse, I’ve been talking to psychics (my own strange addiction..I know, I know) and half of them keep saying it’s another woman. I genuinely don’t think that’s true (I’ve been through that before) but now my mind is going there as well idk if I should stick this out or be suspicious…I can get past seeing each other a little less for the time being, but I’m more concerned about the communication. It literally only takes a second to text someone and I’m not expecting sonnets. Just a daily check in to know he’s still alive Edited April 27, 2023 by JiltedJane
Coily Posted April 27, 2023 Posted April 27, 2023 Have you expressed that you only need a short text from him? Also have you in the past had more long running conversations after an initial text? While you can justify suspicions due to his new behavior, do you know the details of his new job? As someone who kept a lot of weird work hours, it was nigh impossible for me to practice the same communication habits on a new project that I had in my limited down time. So I can appreciate where he's coming from there, nothing scanadlous, just me working 13-16 hour days. On the other side, I too ruined relationships by trying to get work out of the way so I could spend time with an ex, as i was hyper focused on a project and put blinders on to their needs and expectations. Have a frank talk with the guy and hear what he has to say. 1 1
Author JiltedJane Posted April 27, 2023 Author Posted April 27, 2023 10 minutes ago, Coily said: Have you expressed that you only need a short text from him? Also have you in the past had more long running conversations after an initial text? While you can justify suspicions due to his new behavior, do you know the details of his new job? As someone who kept a lot of weird work hours, it was nigh impossible for me to practice the same communication habits on a new project that I had in my limited down time. So I can appreciate where he's coming from there, nothing scanadlous, just me working 13-16 hour days. On the other side, I too ruined relationships by trying to get work out of the way so I could spend time with an ex, as i was hyper focused on a project and put blinders on to their needs and expectations. Have a frank talk with the guy and hear what he has to say. I’ve asked him to just keep me in the loop. his new job is Forman for carpentry division. So it’s a lot of manual labor , driving around like crazy, making multiple phone calls (so he is on the phone ), overseeing different sites and employees, etc.
stillafool Posted April 27, 2023 Posted April 27, 2023 I wouldn't have a problem with him taking the time he needs to get organized and do his work. He did say you guys can see each other in the evenings on weekend for the next FEW weeks. 34 minutes ago, JiltedJane said: He keeps saying we can hang out only in the evenings on weekends for the next few weeks. He has given you a timeline of how long it will take to organize his work. You can't wait until the timeline ends?
Coily Posted April 27, 2023 Posted April 27, 2023 Just now, JiltedJane said: I’ve asked him to just keep me in the loop. his new job is Forman for carpentry division. So it’s a lot of manual labor , driving around like crazy, making multiple phone calls (so he is on the phone ), overseeing different sites and employees, etc. That is a very time consuming job, especially if he's driven. Does he have a company phone or just his personal phone? Having held a similar position to foreman, there are a lot of extra pressures to lead by example. Now for me, I would be on site an hour before the rest of the crews, and an hour after them, juggling that site, supply chains, and customers. I found it sadly easy to forget a budding relationship, which was completely my fault by the way, by having the work blinders on. I would also hide from my phone after working hours as I didn't want to get sucked down a work rabbit hole. Leadership is a lonely place. For the moment after 3 weeks this is a new world that he's navigating, even if he's been a foreman in the past, so a little leeway should be given as he settles in. However, if you continue to feel pushed to the side and undervalued, don't be shy about expressing this and suggesting solutions. Now don't stick it out to the bitter end, but 3 weeks in a leadership position is hardly enough time to adjust. 2 1
NuevoYorko Posted April 27, 2023 Posted April 27, 2023 How long had you been dating before he got this job?
tigerlilly29 Posted April 27, 2023 Posted April 27, 2023 (edited) 24 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said: How long had you been dating before he got this job? 6months so we’re approaching 7 soon Edited April 27, 2023 by tigerlilly29
tigerlilly29 Posted April 27, 2023 Posted April 27, 2023 34 minutes ago, stillafool said: I wouldn't have a problem with him taking the time he needs to get organized and do his work. He did say you guys can see each other in the evenings on weekend for the next FEW weeks. He has given you a timeline of how long it will take to organize his work. You can't wait until the timeline ends? I can but it’s him blowing me off and not responding that’s worrying me.
tigerlilly29 Posted April 27, 2023 Posted April 27, 2023 29 minutes ago, Coily said: That is a very time consuming job, especially if he's driven. Does he have a company phone or just his personal phone? Having held a similar position to foreman, there are a lot of extra pressures to lead by example. Now for me, I would be on site an hour before the rest of the crews, and an hour after them, juggling that site, supply chains, and customers. I found it sadly easy to forget a budding relationship, which was completely my fault by the way, by having the work blinders on. I would also hide from my phone after working hours as I didn't want to get sucked down a work rabbit hole. Leadership is a lonely place. For the moment after 3 weeks this is a new world that he's navigating, even if he's been a foreman in the past, so a little leeway should be given as he settles in. However, if you continue to feel pushed to the side and undervalued, don't be shy about expressing this and suggesting solutions. Now don't stick it out to the bitter end, but 3 weeks in a leadership position is hardly enough time to adjust. Just a personal phone right now.
NuevoYorko Posted April 27, 2023 Posted April 27, 2023 (edited) 1 hour ago, tigerlilly29 said: 6months so we’re approaching 7 soon Unfortunately you didn't have quite enough time to establish a solid relationship pattern aside from the heady romantic early part, before he started this challenging job. Also unfortunately, your desire to talk to psychics (multiple psychics) to get confirmation for your fears is probably your biggest problem. Otherwise, what would need to happen is for you to bide your time and allow him to get his new situation organized, without putting pressure on the relationship angle. Keep yourself busy with your own life, friends, social activities and hopefully enjoy the times together that you do get to have. See how it goes from there. It might work out and it might not - managing the pressures and demands of a brand new relationship at the same time as a serious career move is not doable for everyone. But if you're going to be looking for trouble with psychics and that kind of thing, I honestly think you're better off just breaking up or at least putting things on hold for a while. Edited April 27, 2023 by NuevoYorko 3
Weezy1973 Posted April 27, 2023 Posted April 27, 2023 It’s hard to know if this is his new normal now. Usually you get to see the “real” person as time goes on. Would you still want to date him with this level of interaction? Also possible he has a pattern of throwing himself into work when relationships become more serious to sabotage the budding relationship? Either way, seems like a lot of trouble. You’re only six months in. Time to cut your losses. 1
Calmandfocused Posted April 27, 2023 Posted April 27, 2023 (edited) 3 hours ago, JiltedJane said: I’ve asked him to just keep me in the loop. his new job is Forman for carpentry division. So it’s a lot of manual labor , driving around like crazy, making multiple phone calls (so he is on the phone ), overseeing different sites and employees, etc. On a Sunday? Most individuals I know in this industry do not work Sundays. I find this very hard to believe. Even if he did have to work on a Sunday his customers wouldn’t be. Meaning that he’d have ample opportunity to text/ call you. Personally, I don’t think he went to work at all on that day. I agree with psychics. I think he’s blowing you off to spend time with another woman. Sorry if that’s not what you want to hear. Edited April 27, 2023 by Calmandfocused
stillafool Posted April 27, 2023 Posted April 27, 2023 2 hours ago, tigerlilly29 said: I can but it’s him blowing me off and not responding that’s worrying me. If he's told you he can only see you on weekends it's because he's terrible busy. Maybe just wait forr him to reach out to you first from now on and take the pressure off of him having to respond back to you because of your messages. Unless of course it's an emergency. Otherwise he may decide that he can't be with you and do his job properly and break it off with you. 1
tigerlilly29 Posted April 27, 2023 Posted April 27, 2023 13 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said: On a Sunday? Most individuals I know in this industry do not work Sundays. I find this very hard to believe. Even if he did have to work on a Sunday his customers wouldn’t be. Meaning that he’d have ample opportunity to text/ call you. Personally, I don’t think he went to work at all on that day. I agree with psychics. I think he’s blowing you off to spend time with another woman. Sorry if that’s not what you want to hear. He has his own business (aside from the foreman job) and many of his clients do let him work on their places sat/sun, especially on the summer homes
stillafool Posted April 27, 2023 Posted April 27, 2023 I'm confused. Tigerlilly29 are you also JiltedJane? Why 2 names and accounts?
Coily Posted April 27, 2023 Posted April 27, 2023 I think a wait and see attitude is your best bet right now, as hard as that is going to be for you. Though if this eating at you this much, I don't think you need validation from us in the peanut gallery. 1
ShyViolet Posted April 27, 2023 Posted April 27, 2023 Even if he has a new job that's very stressful and keeping him very busy, that doesn't explain his behavior. If he is into you and this relationship he would be texting you, letting you know he is thinking of you, responding to you. He is either no longer into this relationship, or he met someone else. You haven't been dating him long, only 6 months. That should be right in the height of the honeymoon stage. If he is pulling away now, it's a sign that this relationship has run its course. Don't put your life on hold for this guy. If his behavior is telling you loud and clear that he's no longer interested in you, then move on. 4 hours ago, JiltedJane said: We talked about the future, we’re on the same page with what we want, plans to eventually move in, "Plans to eventually move in" when you've been dating him 6 months? Yeah, no. This is one of your problems. You should not have even talked about that so early on. You tried to rush this relationship and now it is falling apart because you put too-strong expectations on it way too early.
tigerlilly29 Posted April 27, 2023 Posted April 27, 2023 41 minutes ago, stillafool said: I'm confused. Tigerlilly29 are you also JiltedJane? Why 2 names and accounts? Yea idk what happened, it logged me into an old acct and can’t get back into the other one
tigerlilly29 Posted April 27, 2023 Posted April 27, 2023 11 minutes ago, ShyViolet said: Even if he has a new job that's very stressful and keeping him very busy, that doesn't explain his behavior. If he is into you and this relationship he would be texting you, letting you know he is thinking of you, responding to you. He is either no longer into this relationship, or he met someone else. You haven't been dating him long, only 6 months. That should be right in the height of the honeymoon stage. If he is pulling away now, it's a sign that this relationship has run its course. Don't put your life on hold for this guy. If his behavior is telling you loud and clear that he's no longer interested in you, then move on. "Plans to eventually move in" when you've been dating him 6 months? Yeah, no. This is one of your problems. You should not have even talked about that so early on. You tried to rush this relationship and now it is falling apart because you put too-strong expectations on it way too early. He would bring it up… not me. I’ve been extremely careful to not be pushy about that sort of thing. Especially since I’m not 100% sure if I like his house. I’d rather buy one together. He is the one that would say things about this ( meaning me) being a done deal for him. I did not try to rush anything
OurLoveTurnsToRust Posted April 27, 2023 Posted April 27, 2023 (edited) Shift your focus, think of this as time invested in you, time for him to miss you, he'll realize when you have gone silent, then when he comes back around, you can decide how to proceed and state your expectations moving forward. Right now, you are giving him all the cards and showing your hand, just simply back off, take back your power over the situation. Edited April 27, 2023 by OurLoveTurnsToRust 1 1
smackie9 Posted April 27, 2023 Posted April 27, 2023 (edited) Your friends gave you your answer. He is always unavailable in his relationships. Nothing is going to change. Work will always be his priority. This says incompatibility. Date those who treat you the way you expect to be treated, and that means making you a priority, being available. There is no point in dating someone like him. Just because he was all sweet doesn't mean a relationship will be the same. Best to part ways. Edited April 27, 2023 by smackie9
Wiseman2 Posted April 27, 2023 Posted April 27, 2023 5 hours ago, JiltedJane said: . We talked about the future, we’re on the same page with what we want, plans to eventually move in, idk if I should stick this out or be suspicious…I can get past seeing each other a little less for the time being, but I’m more concerned about the communication. Sorry this is happening. A lot of changes. However you've only been dating 28 weeks and this is the getting to know you period. Even though it started out as a whirlwind and a bit too much too soon talk about futures and moving in, you're still learning about each other. Perhaps this is the usual way he is. Step back and observe if the real him you're starting to see now is compatible with what you hope for. There's no need for suspicion or to pull the plug, but definitely reflect if his communication style and preference for togetherness is something you want in the long run. 1 1
Alpacalia Posted April 27, 2023 Posted April 27, 2023 (edited) Just close the door and change the locks. Make some sage and exorcise your house of him (I'm kidding but you can go as far as you want)! Yes, in some situations, we pull away because we're under stress whether it's work or family related. When you're in a relationship with someone, your natural inclination is to help them overcome struggles emotionally. Since you're naturally empathetic, you probably have a penchant for being a great listening ear when it comes to situations like this. It is not in your hands what he thinks or does. Just take a breath. And remember if he is the right guy for you, he'll talk with you about it. You aren't perfect. He isn't perfect. You're just two people trying each other out. If it doesn't work out, consider it a learning. If it does, then great! Regardless of what the case may be, if these scenarios become ongoing excuses, it just shows he's not willing right now to open up to you. Edited April 27, 2023 by Alpacalia 1
ExpatInItaly Posted April 27, 2023 Posted April 27, 2023 6 hours ago, JiltedJane said: I talked to our mutual friends about it, they said he does tend to overwhelm himself with work and it messed up his relationships. Hmm, I would be wary here. He might be taking on too much, but some people are like this specifically because it gives them a "reason" not to get any closer in relationships. In other words, some folks start throwing up barriers when things get serious and work can be a convenient excuse because how can you possibly be upset with him for making a living? If this has happened before and it's ended his relationships, I would be cautious. This might just be the way he's built: has fun for a while but will create an exit hatch for himself before things get too committed. It's going to be hard, but I would take this time to observe. See what he does without any prompting from you. I can understand a new job being stressful and all-consuming to an extent, but even very busy people find time for what matters to them. The dramatic change in communication would concern me. I would give myself a mental timeline of how long I would be willing to give it before calling it a day on this. 1 1
Lotsgoingon Posted April 27, 2023 Posted April 27, 2023 Agree: his friends gave you the answer and as painful jarring as this time is, you are fortunate. You are now seeing exactly what he will be like in relationship in the future. And the answer to me seems to be that he is terrible at staying contact. It is a skill that some people don't have: the ability to be at work, busy, even overwhelmed and to then stay in touch with a partner. Ideally he'd keep you in on his emotional loop, what he is feeling and thinking. But this HIM! Right here, right now. You don't want to date someone who you have explain why staying in contact is helpful. No, pull back and seriously, think about letting and moving on. This guy will be unavailable even if next weeks he calls you and is available. What people tend to miss is that some people just like being unavailable. They are accustomed to it. This is no mere intellectual matter that can be resolved with conversation and reason. Overwhelming himself and shutting down IS his coping strategy, his life survival strategy. So this was never going to go anywhere since he wants to always work. His friends told a truth there. You would reckless to ignore it.
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