my co worker confessed his love for me but I said I don't feel the same, now I can't stop thinking about him

[nina95]

It will be long but please I'm having a hard time and i need to explain the situation. plus I have no one I can talk about this to.

My co worker is someone who joined the company later, so I was the one who explained how we are working in the team and how we get the work done. For that, we have spent so many hours talking together. He was so nice and treated me respectfully. I honestly wasn't attracted to him when we first met and He was also so talkative unlike me. so that was my first impression.

I thought of him as someone who I want to help. But later on, he started bringing so many different topics , and after each conversation, he always brings marriage and relationships topics. I didn't think much about it because I thought he likes to talk and he talks about different topics even with other colleagues. 

[ ] 

Then one day we were talking and he said he would like to be with me and he imagine his life with me. He said he saw me in person only twice (because we work remotly) and that was enough for him to make this decision. I was supprised as I never expected this and I started to realise his past actions and why he acted that way. I told him gently I wasn't ready to be in a relationship with anyone. Then he said that he will stop talking to me as his feelings just started to grow.

I've felt so weird when he really did and and he stoped talking for a few days then he started talking again as always and I thought he wasn't that serious. I thought he just saw me as the best option there. Until again he told me that he is emotionnaly attached to me. He can't stop thinking about me and he feels jealous when I talk to other male colleagues and that he always wonder what I'm doing. After a long discussion I told him that I don't have the same feelings towards him. He was in shock because he thought i did. so he said that he will forget about me and will not message me for a while until he get rid of those feelings else, he will leave the job. The next morning I've sent him a long text explaining what i've felt and why I didn't have feelings and why i'm not ready for a relatioship. He said ok then we didn't talk at all for about 12 days. Those days felt like months for me. I've cried everyday. I've felt so bad, so guilty but at the same time I understood his situation. I've missed him and I've felt like I've lost something important. Because his ideas and way of seeing life attracts me. In my head he is the perfect person for me. 

After those days, we got to talk again due to work, sometime i feel like he is ignoring me then I feel like hurt and I cry the whole night. Then other times he seems ok and talks normally.

I started thinking about him everyday. I'm even having dreams about him. I feel depressed and feels like I've lost someone.

I still don't understand my feelings? do I really like him? Do i want to be with him? Or i'm just missing him or hate the feeling that I maybe hurt his feelings.

I don't want to hurt him once more so I really want help understanding my feelings. I have zero emotionnal intelligence and I lack expriences and understandment of my feelings.

 (sorry in advance for my english)

Edited April 30, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[basil67]

Personally, I'd avoid a relationship with him him. Telling all these feelings when he's only met you twice and he hasn't even asked you on a date is just weird.  And feeling jealous when you talk with other male colleagues and always wonders what you're doing is alarming.  If he's got these feelings when you're not a couple, what would he be like if you were a couple??  This has the potential for him to be at best, really intense and at worst, controlling.

If he was indeed upset and hurt because you didn't ask him for help with a programming problem, that is another problem.

For your own welfare, let this guy have space to get over you.  

[nina95]

5 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Personally, I'd avoid a relationship with him him. Telling all these feelings when he's only met you twice and he hasn't even asked you on a date is just weird.  And feeling jealous when you talk with other male colleagues and always wonders what you're doing is alarming.  If he's got these feelings when you're not a couple, what would he be like if you were a couple??  This has the potential for him to be at best, really intense and at worst, controlling.

If he was indeed upset and hurt because you didn't ask him for help with a programming problem, that is another problem.

For your own welfare, let this guy have space to get over you.  

Thank you so much for your time reading these long details.

Your reply means a lot to me. And hearing a point of view about the situation is a great help. Expecially that I'm feeling really depressed and can't think straight without using my emotions.

 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, nina95 said:

. He said he saw me in person only twice (because we work remotly)  I told him gently I wasn't ready to be in a relationship with anyone. 

Sorry this is happening. Yes please stay professional at all times.  You did the right thing telling him you didn't want a relationship. 

He should not have been coming on to you this way. It's sexual harassment. He's acting very inappropriately. 

Please talk to trusted friends and family. If you're depressed, please see a physician or therapist. 

If you are lonely and would like a BF, try getting a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting local available men.

 

Edited April 26, 2023 by Wiseman2

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, nina95 said:

still don't understand my feelings? do I really like him? Do i want to be with him? Or i'm just missing him or hate the feeling that I maybe hurt his feelings.

Are you dating anyone in your real life?  If not, you could just be lonely for male attention and since this one is giving you some you're now become infatuated.  He seems to talk about sex stuff so he could be trying to just get sex from you.  It's best not to get involved with work mates and to date guys who aren't related to your work.

[Lotsgoingon]

Ok, you said you had zero emotional intelligence. I was thinking something like that because this guy was expressing a lot of interest in you and giving you lots of attention and you made nothing of it.

Now, what emotionally sharp people do is ask themselves "What's up with this attention?" You at least want to ask that question. You with me?! And it's important to ask that question because if the person is really into you and you're not into them, you can start emotionally closing up a bit. You can send a signal of disinterest in anything more than workplace collegiality. And if you're interested, you think about what your next step is. 

But you gotta ask the question! 

I say just own up to what you're feeling (the sadness) and even own up to your own lack of emotional and social intelligence. With him. It is a bit weird that he has fallen so hard for you. But you do NOT owe him anything. And hey, an emotional intelligence tip: there is no such thing as "hurting" someone in this situation by not having romantic interest. "Hurt" doesn't apply to romance in the simple matter of whether or not we are interested in someone. For example, he's all into you meaning he has gotten far too serious and not controlled himself--so he is hurting himself here. There is no hurt unless you are violent or conniving or betraying with someone. You need to download this or else you'll end up marrying someone just because you don't want to break up with them! 

BTW: He shouldn't WANT to date someone not clearly interested in him. 

So since you're unsteady on this, do you have any close friends you can talk to? Sounds like you need an adviser. Otherwise, you could just tell him exactly what you told us. You can say well, I miss you but I'm not sure I want a romantic relationship. I don't know what I want. And ... if down the line you start something romantic with this guy, you go super slow and stop and pause at any point that you don't feel comfortable. That's legit. Romance doesn't have to be jumping off of a cliff. 

In other words, you want to go authentic here. Authentic means you accept all of your feelings as you are right now. And you assume you should feel something different and you don't assume there is a right or wrong move in your situation. It's totally OK to be confused. Totally! Just say that. 

[nina95]

19 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Are you dating anyone in your real life?  If not, you could just be lonely for male attention and since this one is giving you some you're now become infatuated.  He seems to talk about sex stuff so he could be trying to just get sex from you.  It's best not to get involved with work mates and to date guys who aren't related to your work.

No I'm not actually seeing anyone an the moment. and I think you are right for the part of me being lonely. His attention is something I'm not used to. 

 

34 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Yes please stay professional at all times.  You did the right thing telling him you didn't want a relationship. 

He should not have been coming on to you this way. It's sexual harassment. He's acting very inappropriately. 

Please talk to trusted friends and family. If you're depressed, please see a physician or therapist. 

If you are lonely and would like a BF, try getting a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting local available men.

 

He actually never talked about physical stuff. And he never ever crossed the line. I know he didn't make the decision based on my looks. He said that it was based on my personality. Also, I'm an introvert and my personal space is very important so whenever he talked, He choosed words carefully. He actually has a purpose of starting a family. So seeing how sincere he was what made things difficult for me. 

[nina95]

8 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Ok, you said you had zero emotional intelligence. I was thinking something like that because this guy was expressing a lot of interest in you and giving you lots of attention and you made nothing of it.

Now, what emotionally sharp people do is ask themselves "What's up with this attention?" You at least want to ask that question. You with me?! And it's important to ask that question because if the person is really into you and you're not into them, you can start emotionally closing up a bit. You can send a signal of disinterest in anything more than workplace collegiality. And if you're interested, you think about what your next step is. 

But you gotta ask the question! 

I say just own up to what you're feeling (the sadness) and even own up to your own lack of emotional and social intelligence. With him. It is a bit weird that he has fallen so hard for you. But you do NOT owe him anything. And hey, an emotional intelligence tip: there is no such thing as "hurting" someone in this situation by not having romantic interest. "Hurt" doesn't apply to romance in the simple matter of whether or not we are interested in someone. For example, he's all into you meaning he has gotten far too serious and not controlled himself--so he is hurting himself here. There is no hurt unless you are violent or conniving or betraying with someone. You need to download this or else you'll end up marrying someone just because you don't want to break up with them! 

BTW: He shouldn't WANT to date someone not clearly interested in him. 

So since you're unsteady on this, do you have any close friends you can talk to? Sounds like you need an adviser. Otherwise, you could just tell him exactly what you told us. You can say well, I miss you but I'm not sure I want a romantic relationship. I don't know what I want. And ... if down the line you start something romantic with this guy, you go super slow and stop and pause at any point that you don't feel comfortable. That's legit. Romance doesn't have to be jumping off of a cliff. 

In other words, you want to go authentic here. Authentic means you accept all of your feelings as you are right now. And you assume you should feel something different and you don't assume there is a right or wrong move in your situation. It's totally OK to be confused. Totally! Just say that. 

Thank you so much. You've clearly explained to me what I need to work on. And you showed me what should be my reaction and action in this situation. You really opened my eyes and I see that I need to work on myself and on my emotional and social intelligence. The thing is that it is hard for me to open up to people and to talk about my feelings. And for me to tell him that I don't have feelings for him was really hard. And even when I said it, I didn't know how to explain it. That is why I've sent him the next day a really long message saying all the stuff I couldn't say by phone haha

I will save your message and keep note of all the things i need to work on. I really appreciate it.

[stillafool]

It's best to keep messages short and to the point.  Something like, "I'm sorry you have developed romantic feelings  towards me; but I am not interested and I don't want to lead you on?  I prefer that we keep our relationship professional."  is all you have to say.  Too many words and too much detail can be taken the wrong way.

Edited April 27, 2023 by stillafool

[nina95]

10 minutes ago, stillafool said:

It's best to keep messages short and to the point.  Something like, "I'm sorry you have developed romantic feelings  towards me; but I am not interested and I don't want to lead you on?  I prefer that we keep our relationship professional."  is all you have to say.  Too many words and too much detail can be taken the wrong way.

You are right Thank you. I'll try this. It is better to draw the line as early as possible.

[Lotsgoingon]

Saying you have no romantic feelings is hard for many people. That is not your social inexperience causing that feeling. 

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, nina95 said:

do I really like him? Do i want to be with him?

I don't think so, no. 

When you like someone, you know. You won't question if you like them. I believe you enjoyed his attention and companionship but genuinely don't want a relationship with him. You aren't attracted to him like that, but you grew used to his company and you're missing that now. However, you have to work on letting go of that. He is right to want to stop chatting with you since he knows you don't reciprocate his feelings. 

You will be okay once you get used to not having him in your life. 

[JTSW]

Stay professional and don't make things personal.

I get weird vibes from this guy.

He seems kind, sweet and caring, but something doesn't sit right.

Met you twice but became very full on very quickly.

Jealousy of you talking to other males colleagues.

This is possessive behaviour.

[nina95]

Thank you all for your replies.

I think it would be for my sake and for his to move on as everybody said.

I actually talked to him today and explained myself and we decided to forget everything and stay professional.

That concludes this thread. Thank you all for your time to response respectfully and honestly.