introverted1 Posted April 25, 2023 Posted April 25, 2023 On 2/20/2023 at 1:54 PM, agonyandirony said: This is something else she has intimated - that 'nothing will ever be good enough' for me or I'll 'never forgive her for how she treated me in the past.' This sortof talk wounds me a bit and I feel guilty This sort of talk is designed to make you feel guilty and to silence any criticisms or concerns you have about her behavior. It's planting the seed for another round of abuse where you will be the bad guy who can't let go. Maybe the new girl is not your "soulmate"; only time will tell. But nothing you have said about your ex has me convinced that she will be a safe or stable partner. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted April 26, 2023 Posted April 26, 2023 On 4/24/2023 at 6:00 PM, broadside89 said: today my ex has reached out to me pleading with me to give things another go. She's talked about the connection we have; all the work she has done to improve herself; and how things will be completely different than they were when we were together. Meh, she had years to do better. She didn't do so until you were already gone. It's good that she has worked on herself, but for me, it would be too late. I would not go back. It's very unlikely to work. Concentrate on moving forward and forming healthier relationships. Maybe the new woman is it, maybe not. It's too soon to know that. But you spent enough time with your ex to know she is not it. Close the door on that and proceed with a happier life for yourself. 1
Calmandfocused Posted April 26, 2023 Posted April 26, 2023 You’ve suffered 4 years abuse by your ex yet you’re still questioning if she’s your soulmate? Seriously? You’re hanging on hoping and praying that she will become the glorious, perfect girlfriend you once had. Newsflash: That is never going to happen. Not in a million years! That “perfect” woman never existed in the first place. She wasn’t real OP. Abusers are masters manipulators, liars, deflectors, and very very nasty. However they all share one amazing skill- they present themselves as amazing in the beginning. Perfect partner material. They are experts at hiding their true self. It’s the same story every time. You really need to watch some YouTube videos/ read some books about abusive/ toxic relationships. You don’t seem to understand that you’re still being manipulated. You’re still too preoccupied by the “what if”. The What ifs will never happen. Stop convincing yourself of this. You owe it to yourself to stop this. A saying I learnt as my mantra when exiting abusive relationships: Once you know you go. Get out. Stay out. 1
Acacia98 Posted April 26, 2023 Posted April 26, 2023 You realize you don't have to date anyone at this moment, right? It doesn't have to be a choice between the two women. You could opt to be single while you get therapy and address the issues that would make you receptive to jumping back into an abusive relationship. If you were my relative or close friend I would give you two definite pieces of advice: 1. Wish your ex well and go no contact with her. 2. Get into therapy. 1
Alvi Posted April 27, 2023 Posted April 27, 2023 I guess, 4 unhappy years outweigh 2 happy ones. Why even go there. Perhaps this new woman is not the right one, but no need to go back to your ex either. Get some therapy if possible.
broadside89 Posted May 5, 2023 Posted May 5, 2023 On 4/24/2023 at 5:22 PM, Weezy1973 said: As for advice, definitely don’t get back together with your ex. It’s too soon to know if this new woman will be compatible long term so “choosing” her is also premature. Just allow things to unfold with her. Be patient. If you’re feeling anxiety, explore why that is. On 4/24/2023 at 5:31 PM, ShyViolet said: You have this false "binary" idea in your head. You seem to think that you are at a crossroads to make the biggest decision of your life... either go back to your ex, or build a future with this new girl. That is not how this works at all. This new girl, you have only been dating her a short time. It would be foolish and premature to think that it will necessarily lead to a long term relationship. You are just getting to know her. This is not a choice between these two women, it is more of a choice between getting back with your ex, or giving yourself the gift of dating new people and finding love with someone who you don't have this toxic, dysfunctional history with. It might be this new girl, or you might end up going out there and dating others. You should recognize that choosing to go back to your ex would be a poor decision, regardless of whether you are dating this new girl or not. Things might work out with the new girl, they might not. Your decision of whether to run back to an ex shouldn't hinge on that. Thanks both, this was exactly what I needed to hear and it put me at ease reading this just before going out on a date with this new girl. As you have said, I put so much pressure on myself thinking I was at some sort of major crossroads having to decide who I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I had so little information to go on - how different things would really be with my ex, and how good things could be with this new girl - and I was so frazzled that I felt paralysed. I'm not sure where this anxiety and pressure came from. I know I do feel very confused, and terrified of making the 'wrong' decision and regretting it. Whether that's going back to my ex, only for nothing to have changed and regretting not having the courage to break free and find what I deserve; or regretting that I find out too late my ex truly is better and the one I'm meant to be with, but she's moved on with someone else. Both of those potential situations are very painful for me. Tied in with that is an over-active guilt complex, and worry about hurting other people or doing the 'wrong' thing. Your posts gave me some perspective, and helped me to be a bit kinder to myself. I don't have to rush into anything, I need to get out of my head and stop ruminating about the future and past and let things unfold in the present to a certain extent. I am continuing to date this new girl and am no longer communicating with my ex. I do miss her a lot though, and have thought about messaging or reaching out to her (we haven't spoken in weeks which feels SO weird). I hate that our long history, and at times beautiful relationship/friendship ended the way it did. I hate that she was/is hurting. I want to reach out to her, say something nice to her and hear her voice... But I know that is a bandaid, a short term 'high' to the pain I/we feel, and that this wouldn't be good for either of us. The new girl I'm dating has been away for the past week visiting family, so perhaps being alone is making me introspective. It was easier when we were doing things together that distracted me from this issue, and I could just focus on being with her. Today I have been thinking back to the long message my ex wrote me, pleading with me to forgive her, and promising that she's different and how she wants to make up for the way things were in the past etc. It was very convincing and moving. It really appealed to me and the part of me that waited so long for her to say such things. So I do have a horrible thought that by allowing things to unfold in the present, and exploring things with this new girl, she'll move on and by the time I realise I am meant to be with her it will be too late and I'll regret not giving her this second chance. This is very much a worst case scenario though, and I can't let myself think that way. Whatever will happen will happen - whether that is with my ex, this new girl, or someone else.
Wiseman2 Posted May 5, 2023 Posted May 5, 2023 13 minutes ago, broadside89 said: The new girl I'm dating has been away for the past week visiting family, so perhaps being alone is making me introspective. This is good insight. Perhaps you're just stuck in nostalgia a bit. Confused. Are you @agonyandirony? The original poster?
Author agonyandirony Posted May 5, 2023 Author Posted May 5, 2023 29 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: This is good insight. Perhaps you're just stuck in nostalgia a bit. Confused. Are you @agonyandirony? The original poster? Yes I am. My apologies, must have an older account. I'll stick to this one.
Author agonyandirony Posted May 5, 2023 Author Posted May 5, 2023 On 4/24/2023 at 8:21 PM, smackie9 said: She had 4 bloody years to fix herself and she didn't. It's going to take her a long time, if ever, to straighten herself out. You feel for your ex, and I get it there's a feeling of obligation BUT you have started to move on, and are now happier than you have been in years. I would let the ex go, and start a new with this lovely new lady. You ex needs to know this because you are giving her hope, and that's not fair to anyone. There is going to be a time when you need to reveal your past...best not to delay that too long. Thanks for this. I absolutely agree which is why I worked so hard to move on. However, now that she is making a very strong case that she has straightened herself out and is pleading with me to give her a chance to make up for how things were. It's very compelling because I know we have a very strong connection and baseline compatibility. You're right though, that drawing this out is not fair to either of us. For this reason I was clear that I was moving on, and while it has been difficult we have not spoken in weeks. The last thing she said to me was that I could visit and we could spend some time together to see how things are between us - not rushing back into anything. I'm torn about whether this is something I should/should have done, or whether longer term that is a bad idea.
Author agonyandirony Posted May 5, 2023 Author Posted May 5, 2023 On 4/24/2023 at 5:56 PM, mark clemson said: Sometimes when there's no right answer there's no wrong answer either. So, you could go with what you think is best (after some serious consideration) and give it a whirl. If it doesn't work out, then you (necessarily at that point) end things and search for someone new. All that said, for myself I don't believe in long distance relationships. I know they work for some people, but for me it is too easy for "side interests" to develop. A six hour drive would be too far for me just to continue dating and so that would be the clincher. I like having the person "at hand". However, you're you and everyone's different, so perhaps it's less of an issue. Thanks for this, it's a good point. I'm so worried about which is the 'right' or 'wrong' choice, when in reality they could both be equal options and different paths - each with relative merits. I guess we are both lucky in that our work and living situations (at least now, not so much in the beginning) make the long distance easier to deal with - she can work remotely and live with me, and I am able to travel a fair bit. I think coming at that fresh is very doable, but carrying all the baggage from 4 years to that starting point is a lot to deal with. 1
Author agonyandirony Posted May 5, 2023 Author Posted May 5, 2023 On 4/25/2023 at 1:40 AM, Lotsgoingon said: Going back to your ex would be disastrous. Let her take her healing (assuming she has gotten better) and display it with someone else. And you got to get rid of this sense of "hurting" people. There is no hurting in romance outside lying and stealing and violently hitting. Someone will be disappointed. That's fine. That's not hurt. You're apparently worried about disappointing the ex that abused you. BTW: there is no such thing as a magical soulmate. There is no such thing as a soulmate that abuses you. Contradiction in terms. Thank you, I do have an overactive guilt complex - which, having got therapy, I've been told is part of the reason the relationship got so toxic, I was so easily manipulated via feelings of sypamthy, obligation and guilt. She used the term 'hurt' a lot, and had a bit of a victim mentality so clearly that has had an affect on me. Maybe I idealise love and 'soulmates' etc, but that really is how it felt when I met her. The level of compatibility and connection was, and to an extent is, off the charts. So when she rationalises the past abuse and difficult periods as being 'not her' and promising/showing me that she's changed, going to make things up to me etc... it is very compelling.
Author agonyandirony Posted May 5, 2023 Author Posted May 5, 2023 On 4/26/2023 at 6:23 PM, Calmandfocused said: You’ve suffered 4 years abuse by your ex yet you’re still questioning if she’s your soulmate? Seriously? You’re hanging on hoping and praying that she will become the glorious, perfect girlfriend you once had. Newsflash: That is never going to happen. Not in a million years! That “perfect” woman never existed in the first place. She wasn’t real OP. Abusers are masters manipulators, liars, deflectors, and very very nasty. However they all share one amazing skill- they present themselves as amazing in the beginning. Perfect partner material. They are experts at hiding their true self. It’s the same story every time. You really need to watch some YouTube videos/ read some books about abusive/ toxic relationships. You don’t seem to understand that you’re still being manipulated. You’re still too preoccupied by the “what if”. The What ifs will never happen. Stop convincing yourself of this. You owe it to yourself to stop this. A saying I learnt as my mantra when exiting abusive relationships: Once you know you go. Get out. Stay out. Thank you for this advice. I have watched countless YouTube videos, read books, articles etc. So I do know all about these types of relationships. It's not that I'm "hanging on hoping and praying" that she will change though, she has actively taken a number of steps - therapy, new job, improved living situation etc - and is trying to convince me that things will be considerably better. It's a compelling argument, and difficult to see how this could be yet another layer of manipulation? I suppose the reality is that she could be better in some ways, but the underlying character traits that led to this mess will still largely be there - so the potential for toxicity will never truly go away. Damn, think I'm onto something in that last sentence... And yes, the 'what ifs' have been torturing me recently and particularly in the last few days. I need to get out of that and live in the present and let things unfold.
Wiseman2 Posted May 5, 2023 Posted May 5, 2023 25 minutes ago, agonyandirony said: . The last thing she said to me was that I could visit and we could spend some time together to see how things are between us Perhaps the confusion is that you're not focused on the new woman? You're still renegotiating with the ex so you're creating a confusing situation. If you are considering visiting or reconciliation, it may be best to let the other woman go while you decide.
Author agonyandirony Posted May 5, 2023 Author Posted May 5, 2023 2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Perhaps the confusion is that you're not focused on the new woman? You're still renegotiating with the ex so you're creating a confusing situation. If you are considering visiting or reconciliation, it may be best to let the other woman go while you decide. Sorry to clarify, I'm not still negotiating with my ex. It was weeks ago she suggested visiting and we haven't spoken since. She said I made it clear to her that I was moving on. So the situation is confusing for me only, in that I am worrying about having made the wrong decision - maybe I should have visited or given her a second chance etc. I think I'll give it another week or two with this new girl, focussing on her (as I have been). If it doesn't feel right after then, and if I still harbour strong 'what if' feelings about my ex, I will consider letting the new girl go on the basis that I am still working through things with my ex (internally or otherwise) which is what a lot of advice seems to be. I do understand it's important not to lead people on when you aren't fully emotionally available because of an ex, but I do also wonder how you are supposed to move on fully unless you actually try to move on with someone. Sure in some cases it won't work out and someone gets disappointed, but that is the nature of dating. In our 30s we all carry some form of emotional baggage and history - this new girl I'm dating still lives with her ex as she is working through the practicalities of moving out. So I'm not sure I fully agree with this notion that transitioning from a very long and serious relationship into dating or a new relationship can be so clean.
Wiseman2 Posted May 5, 2023 Posted May 5, 2023 3 minutes ago, agonyandirony said: - this new girl I'm dating still lives with her ex as she is working through the practicalities of moving out. Unfortunately unavailable people choose other unavailable people. Living with an ex is a huge red flag. But then again continued communication with an ex replete with discussions about reconciliation is a huge red flag as well. Consider that the distance ex and the new woman are both high risk situations. 1
JTSW Posted May 5, 2023 Posted May 5, 2023 On 2/16/2023 at 8:03 PM, agonyandirony said: She was also absolutely horrible to me for a long time, something she acknowledges was emotional abuse Remember this. I can guarantee that if you get back with your ex, it will end up this way again. 4 minutes ago, agonyandirony said: I am worrying about having made the wrong decision - maybe I should have visited or given her a second chance etc. She doesn't deserve another chance in my opinion. 6 minutes ago, agonyandirony said: I think I'll give it another week or two with this new girl, focussing on her (as I have been). If it doesn't feel right after then, and if I still harbour strong 'what if' feelings about my ex, I will consider letting the new girl go on the basis that I am still working through things with my ex No, let the poor girl go now. She doesn't deserve to be held on a string while you still have your ex on your mind. 1
Author agonyandirony Posted May 5, 2023 Author Posted May 5, 2023 1 hour ago, JTSW said: No, let the poor girl go now. She doesn't deserve to be held on a string while you still have your ex on your mind. I probably worded that badly, but I don't really see it that way? Of course I have thoughts about my ex, especially considering what she said recently. I'll probably always love and care about her on some level? In your mid 30s you're always going to have some history and baggage, this new girl included - she actually still lives with her ex (though they avoid each other) and is dealing with the practicalities of moving out of there. If I've been with the same girl on and off for like 7 years, of course moving onto someone new is going to be scary and different. Surely it's normal to question that at times, or wonder if it's the right thing? I feel like if I - or anyone else - retreated from new dating potentials just because you have thoughts/feelings like this, nobody would ever move on. Is that totally unreasonable? It's literally only been like 6 dates with this new person. As time goes on, and if things start moving in a more serious direction, and if I still feel this way then I of course should either communicate that with her or end things. Of course it could go the other way, and it's obvious we like each other a lot and want to progress things. Isn't that what dating is all about, figuring it out? Is it really stringing along someone to go on a few dates when you don't know 100%, and couldn't possibly, that they are the one for you?
Blind-Sided Posted May 5, 2023 Posted May 5, 2023 I didn't sit and read all of what you wrote.... but generally.... and ex is an ex for a reason. I've followed that advice to myself my entire life. Just recently, I started haning out with an old GF from 27 years ago thinking that has been enough time for people to change. But after spending some time together, I can see her old anger coming out. At this point, I'm happy to remain friends with her, but I'm not really seeing a future.
smackie9 Posted May 5, 2023 Posted May 5, 2023 You ex is talking out of desperation. I highly doubt things will ever be better between you two. She needs to stand on her own two feet and move on with her life. Like I said, things won't be better. She's been struggling for years, and if she felt better, there will be times she will slip right back into it. Like I said she had 4 years to fix herself. It only got her thinking about because you dumped her and moved on. Not the right motivation.
free_radicals Posted May 21, 2023 Posted May 21, 2023 (edited) Don't go back. I think you gave yourself the illusion of being in love and your soulmate. You only met once or twice? Three times? Stick with someone local so you can actually be in person with them and look for these red flags much faster. Edited May 21, 2023 by free_radicals correction 1
Ageless Wisdom23 Posted May 22, 2023 Posted May 22, 2023 (edited) Let me sum up this magical yet but fragile and unpredictable Love Story for You and this Girl: It is what caught my eye the most on the last visit you had with her. "So here we are........." "I don't feel safe with her or confident about going into a full on relationship" In my own Eyes, I see Full Problem Pattern down a long and winding road of many Ups and Downs. Friendship is actually your best bet. Move on and go slow eventually with another who is more stable. Edited May 22, 2023 by Ageless Wisdom23
Author agonyandirony Posted May 23, 2023 Author Posted May 23, 2023 On 5/21/2023 at 1:52 AM, free_radicals said: Don't go back. I think you gave yourself the illusion of being in love and your soulmate. You only met once or twice? Three times? Stick with someone local so you can actually be in person with them and look for these red flags much faster. Noooo we spent maybe a year and a half in total together, up to 6 months at a time and lots of shorter trips. We had a long time apart due to breaking up and covid, so within the last 3 years I have only met her once (which is maybe where I have confused matters). Being love with her was, and is, no illusion. I do feel that way about her strongly. Maybe its naive of me to think of soulmates. In any case, I didn't go back to her. I have been dating this new, local girl and it has been really nice. I'm not sure if she is the one, and if it's going anywhere but I also know that it is early days and it would be silly of me to put pressure on myself to decide that now. I do miss my ex terribly, but I think that is ok. In some ways I'm grieving the relationship, and what could have been. I have told the new girl what I went through, and I think I am in a place where I just need to take the pressure off and let myself heal, and allow events to unfold. Thanks for your comment.
Author agonyandirony Posted May 23, 2023 Author Posted May 23, 2023 9 hours ago, Ageless Wisdom23 said: Let me sum up this magical yet but fragile and unpredictable Love Story for You and this Girl: It is what caught my eye the most on the last visit you had with her. "So here we are........." "I don't feel safe with her or confident about going into a full on relationship" In my own Eyes, I see Full Problem Pattern down a long and winding road of many Ups and Downs. Friendship is actually your best bet. Move on and go slow eventually with another who is more stable. Thank you, it's so so tough. My ex has been very unstable for most of the time I've known her, which is why I didn't feel safe or confident about a relationship with her. But she is now saying she is totally different and things would be better - and to be fair, her living situation is much better. So part of me wants to believe her, and is very scared of making the wrong decision/regretting not giving her another chance. But the logical part of me realises I have already sacrificed so much, and can't afford to keep giving chances. I miss her so much, but on a logical level know its probably not meant to be. I haven't even spoken to my ex in months. I have been dating this new girl, which has been really nice even though I am hurting a bit. She is very sweet and nice to me. It's a very confusing time in my life but I am trying to relax and let things unfold. I think I was putting a lot of pressure on myself when I wrote this post.
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