ChatroomHero Posted August 28, 2023 Posted August 28, 2023 Read your thread, I am going through a similar situation. The one thing I picked up in your last post is something I struggle with. "Guess if and ever I hear from her and graced with the opportunity to sincerely apologize to her, regardless of my sanity she truly deserved a guy who would have moved heaven and earth for her. That I am truly sorry I was not able to be that guy. " She broke up with you in a terrible and childish way. She was not honest and direct. She came back and did it again. You love her so don't want to see her as the bad guy and want to find an explanation that allows you to still respect and love her. So she's the one that treated you poorly and you are tying to apologize. You would have moved heaven and earth for her, she didn't want you to. So instead of apologizing for not being that guy, you need to realize you actually have nothing to apologize for. In my situation I was kind, decent, respected her, was there for her...I read self help stuff and see the, work on yourself, be better for the next woman, put yourself first and have the appearance that you have everything figured out, don't show vulnerability because she'll lose attraction... At the end of the day, most of us are fine. We will not always be happy and content. There will be ups and downs in life. Everyone will be needy, desperate and down at times. The most confident people you know, I find are often the most needy and emotionally damaged. Frankly they do the same things everyone else does in situations where things are tough. I think you need to realize you were good and valuable despite not being perfect. I can tell you, reading what you wrote, why would you expect to need to be the only one in the relationship with your sh*t all figured out? Like you pointed out how damaged she is, yet you want to apologize for the ways you are damaged? See, what works is everyone has damage, do you each compliment each other in those areas and lessen the damage or does she make it that you need to take all responsibility for not being totally set and zen in life? My opinion is you are doing what I am struggling with. Apologizing for being amazing and loving her and not being able to make her love you back??? Like she cuts contact and you want to take responsibility for that. She fights her way back into your life and cuts contact again and you want to still apologize for whatever reason. At what point do you expect that you were the amazing boyfriend she told you that you were and realize she handled things like a 22 year old college girl and not an actual well functioning adult? You want to look back fondly on the person you fell in love with but she doesn't exist and it was an illusion. You want to make excuses that you caused her to be that way instead of accepting the reality that this nice, sweet, caring, loving person could actually be cruel hearted, disrespectful and mean. She didn't respect you, you deserve respect. The main problem I see is you are not commanding respect for being an exceptional boyfriend, you are telling her you don't deserve respect and she is right to behave like an emotionally stunted, disrespectful girl. I think you need to accept she was the bad one here. It's hard to even dislike someone you were in love with that you would have done anything for that showed you the same in return (as far as you could tell). What's holding you back and I think you know this deep down, she isn't worth your respect or feelings. It's not you, it's her. You can fix yourself and that is great but frankly, if you were perfectly "fixed' the day you met her, nothing would have changed. She wouldn't have accepted you or stayed with you anymore than she already had.
Author SoHereIam Posted August 30, 2023 Author Posted August 30, 2023 On 8/28/2023 at 9:57 AM, ChatroomHero said: I think you need to realize you were good and valuable despite not being perfect. I can tell you, reading what you wrote, why would you expect to need to be the only one in the relationship with your sh*t all figured out? Like you pointed out how damaged she is, yet you want to apologize for the ways you are damaged? My opinion is you are doing what I am struggling with. Apologizing for being amazing and loving her and not being able to make her love you back??? Like she cuts contact and you want to take responsibility for that. She fights her way back into your life and cuts contact again and you want to still apologize for whatever reason. At what point do you expect that you were the amazing boyfriend she told you that you were and realize she handled things like a 22 year old college girl and not an actual well functioning adult? Hey ChatroomHero, Sorry took me a couple of days to get back as I had read your response and really took the time to process and digest it all. Definitely empowering to read your words but inspiring enough to embrace them as well. Reading your response now with a far much more clear head than my previous posts, has opened my eyes a bit more and forcing me to see things or better yet her true colors. Think I just couldn’t wrap my head around seeing the truth, because I never once seen this side of her until the breakup perhaps on a subconscious level I harbored all of the blame trying to rationalize my “lack,” of whatever was the triggers or cause for her actions. Now I can appreciate seeing this from a different perspective. I did feel less heavy on the heart reading your words and sorry you’re enduring a similar situation. At the same time you sound as though you have a good grip on things and a far stronger mind. Def rebuilding again to get that level again. The “old me,” who would see things for what they are. Move on and improve! Thank you for that! 1
ChatroomHero Posted August 30, 2023 Posted August 30, 2023 7 hours ago, SoHereIam said: Hey ChatroomHero, Sorry took me a couple of days to get back as I had read your response and really took the time to process and digest it all. Definitely empowering to read your words but inspiring enough to embrace them as well. Reading your response now with a far much more clear head than my previous posts, has opened my eyes a bit more and forcing me to see things or better yet her true colors. Think I just couldn’t wrap my head around seeing the truth, because I never once seen this side of her until the breakup perhaps on a subconscious level I harbored all of the blame trying to rationalize my “lack,” of whatever was the triggers or cause for her actions. Now I can appreciate seeing this from a different perspective. I did feel less heavy on the heart reading your words and sorry you’re enduring a similar situation. At the same time you sound as though you have a good grip on things and a far stronger mind. Def rebuilding again to get that level again. The “old me,” who would see things for what they are. Move on and improve! Thank you for that! Yeah, I am destroyed. I got the, you're a great guy for someone else text yesterday. My situation was the same, the way she acted so mean and cruel in basically pulling back almost all communication and side stepping when I asked to talk to her or see her because once she started ghosting, it was days then weeks that she could find the time for a 5 minute phone call. That was harsh and so unlike her. I knew her deep thoughts and how she handled things and how she handled it with me, you would have thought I burned her house down and ran over her dog laughing. it didn't add up. When I look back, I can always find little signs. With her it was nothing but interest and she was happy with me. So I realized, stop looking at myself as the problem and ways I "hiddenly" messed up or whatever minor infractions I did that, well, I didn't do. The issue was with her. I think it's the same in your situation. I'm my situation I think I know pretty much what it is. She was slow text responding, if at all up until I called her on what I thought it was, what was going on, on her end. I immediately got a text back twice when I mentioned it because I am sure I struck a nerve. Usually I can go back and find things where I realize I was turning her off or she was less than impressed. This one I couldn't. I realized sometimes it is ok and legit to admit it's not your fault at all and all hers. There's broken people and there's BROKEN people. Broken people is everyone to some degree, unavoidable. BROKEN people use your faults against you to avoid having to admit their own. If the other person is not perfect, they will start looking for issues where there are no issues and 'poof' they have their reason to push you away and blame it on you and not blame themselves for being BROKEN and not understanding how to fix it. The old you is there. You just have to realize the old you was just fine. Always work toward improving but if you stayed the same you are no less worthy than anyone else.
Author SoHereIam Posted August 31, 2023 Author Posted August 31, 2023 16 hours ago, ChatroomHero said: Yeah, I am destroyed. I got the, you're a great guy for someone else text yesterday. My situation was the same, the way she acted so mean and cruel in basically pulling back almost all communication and side stepping when I asked to talk to her or see her because once she started ghosting, it was days then weeks that she could find the time for a 5 minute phone call. That was harsh and so unlike her. I knew her deep thoughts and how she handled things and how she handled it with me, you would have thought I burned her house down and ran over her dog laughing. it didn't add up. Thanks bro, Likewise, you def seem like a great guy as well given what I gathered from your responses and how you responded. It’s mind boggling how someone you once trusted immensely can turn on the drop of a dime like you said perfectly “like you burned down their house.” I totally understood that and shuttered a bit as I instantly pictured the ex’s demeanor while reading that line. It’s a haunting memory as I never once seen this side to her in the almost 3 years. It’s like even if you didn’t for whatever reason see or want a future anymore, couldn’t we least handled things in a civil manner?? It’s funny out of the blue I got a call from a previous ex of 6 years that we till this day are still very much respectable to one another. Albeit we don’t talk everyday sorta thing but we touch base now and again. Just because we are no longer together we still respect one another and appreciate there was once a history, a journey we shared and a love for one another at some point in time. Still love now, but on a mutually platonic level. She asked me how “wifey was doing,” gave her the Cole’s notes and she was besides herself when she learned how things have unfolded and much like you she reiterated the same context of people being “broken,” and we cannot fix others nor take on that guilt. She now confided to me when she first learned about her, she had mixed emotions and thought “how can this girl know that his dad just passed that same month and even though he confided and warned her that he questioned his mental state and ability in entering into any relationships, given the timing and all” Yet she still pushed for it… Apparently to the ex it was very telling of her. (She didn’t wanna say anything at the time cause she didn’t wanna come off as the “jealous ex gf”) Guess she reminded me even back then I tried my best to exercise whatever bit of common sense and logic I had at that time before I slipped into the deep end. So another reason I can remove more self-guilt I now see what you mean with the term “BROKEN,” there is nothing in our control that can alter the path of destruction with these kinds of people, when they are set on a course there is nothing you as their partner could do to change the dynamics. All the love and effort and fight is futile when they refuse to accept it. They have their mind not only made up but convinced that you’re the monster and the one who caused all the “wrongs,” I suppose to self validate their choice of actions and justify in their minds the behavior and the lack of communication. Taking things a step further, it’s almost borderline insanity in my case trying to communicate with someone who would flip during the same limited conversations… from “legit on my life you’re the best bf I ever had,” to then “well nothing matters cause it’s over!” Then the “I will always want you in my life not matter what,” to now day 60 something of not a word from her…. (Just say what you mean and mean what you say) Don’t sugarcoat things like you’re trying to spare me. That shipped sailed when your started your ghosting… Like I told my therapist one session… Me: “excuse my language but her actions and words over the breakup now feel like she’s a damn near sociopath!!” Her: “ok, please tell or explain to me what you mean?” Me: “well she’s seems like the kinda person who will kill your cat but offer to help you look for it the next day!” Again my friend I’m sincerely sorry you are going through this and the hurt but respectfully it’s comforting to learn that other decent people can endure the same hardships and survive this, so I’m glad and thankful you chimed in on here! We both will get there bro! (I’m sure the “ex,” will replicate the same scenario with the next person as you said cannot fix BROKEN!)
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