sqpc Posted November 6, 2005 Posted November 6, 2005 I don’t have many friends here and I don’t want to ask my mom or explain that we are communicating. I just wanted a female’s opinion of whether she is testing the waters or does she want to be friends? I really don't know. The jist: We dated for nearly five years, and we have been apart for nearly two. Since we have been apart I have been trying to better myself, focus on my career and recognize the mistakes I have made in our relationship, so I don’t make them again. She was recently accepted to grad school and has three years left in another state (8 hours away). Out of the blue she sends me an email with pictures (not nude) and her AIM address telling me to logon sometime. I waited a few days and I have been meaning to call her but I just don’t ever know what to say and I don’t want to sound like an idiot. So I have been communicating with her on AIM two or three times a week for a few hours to five hours for the last two weeks. The conversation is regular…How was your day? What did you do today? How was work? etc…(No I love you's, or I miss you so much, etc.) Some random odd remarks such as I am not seeing anyone or that one of her friends saw me somewhere. Now she will randomly email me and tell me to log on, I am hesitant to do so most of the time but I give in sometimes because communicating with her takes me away from my work (I work a lot) and she is in a different field so it’s a nice break. Then other day I asked for her phone number (which I already have) so I could call sometime and she tells me "I still feel weird about our relationship...(and) talking on the phone is awkward" followed by "is that mean?" I play it off like it's ok, and I don't want to bite off more than I can chew at this point partially because she has three years of school left in another state, so what’s the rush? But at the end of the day, I miss her and I don’t want to get hurt again. For example, if communication stops as soon as she starts seeing someone or she randomly changes her mind about what she is doing or getting herself into. Personally I just can’t be her friend, it’s too hard for me emotionally. Any advise would be beneficial? Thank you!
konfuzd Posted November 6, 2005 Posted November 6, 2005 You can not be friends with this woman... it never works as long as one party is holding onto hope that it will be more. You know you will be hurt again, so better off you break off all contact. Tell her that you've put a lot of effort into getting over her, and having her contact you is just adding another hurdle, and you really want to get on with your life. You have absolutely been doing the right thing by bettering yourself, and allowing yourself to be a better person for the next girl who comes along. Keep up with that! I think she's trying to extend a line to you, or more of a leash really... to make sure she still has you by the nards if at any time she decides she wants you back... You are her fallback guy... don't allow yourself to be that guy. You deserve to be #1 in the eyes of someone who will respect and adore you. Don't settle for anything less. Good luck!
Sami_D Posted November 6, 2005 Posted November 6, 2005 I think she's trying to extend a line to you, or more of a leash really... to make sure she still has you by the nards if at any time she decides she wants you back... You are her fallback guy... don't allow yourself to be that guy. A agree with this. She's probably hit a bit of a lonely or difficult time and wants something soft and secure to fall back on. And you're 'it'
Author sqpc Posted November 6, 2005 Author Posted November 6, 2005 I would agree, she just moved, and school just started. First contact during midterms at 10:00pm, then says hi during the day almost everyday. So would you: 1.Block with no explaination, dissapear 2.Send her an im 3.Send her an email 4.Call her
Sami_D Posted November 6, 2005 Posted November 6, 2005 Do whatever you do so that you feel comfortable in your own life. Don't worry about her, just do what you need to do for you. I think you have this well under control. Congratulations for moving on with your life and keeping a perspective.
Author sqpc Posted November 6, 2005 Author Posted November 6, 2005 It's just hard because I still love her and I miss her everyday. I never wanted to break up with her but I took a job on the Eastcoast and she didn't want to come and she didn't beleive in a LDR. I have since moved back and I feel like we broke up all over again. But I don't want to be just some dude in her life.
konfuzd Posted November 6, 2005 Posted November 6, 2005 I would definately go the IM/email route. The dissapearing with no explanation thing is very immature and basically the pansy way out. She's already expressed she doesn't want to talk on the phone (that one's a mystery, don't know what that's all about) An e-mail allows you to plan out your words. Spell it out that you don't want her contacting you from this point forward, let her know you are blocking her, not because you want to be a dick, but because you are trying to save the both of you from further heartbreak. Guaranteed she'll reply and try to sucker you back in, and at that point ignoring her is fair grounds since you've validated your actions.
Sami_D Posted November 6, 2005 Posted November 6, 2005 It's just hard because I still love her and I miss her everyday. I never wanted to break up with her but I took a job on the Eastcoast and she didn't want to come and she didn't beleive in a LDR. I have since moved back and I feel like we broke up all over again. But I don't want to be just some dude in her life. Well I suppose it's possible that she has had a real change of heart about you. But it seems like too much of a coincidence, two years down the line... Since you really don't want to be just friends with her, then could you just tell her that straight out. Be honest about how you feel/felt about the two of you. Tell her you either need more than that or nothing at all. If she has any sort of moral fibre then she'll go one way or the other. Just be absolutely certain that you can deal with either option if you're going for this either/or approach, because it can be harder than just not responding to a few emails when and how you like (i.e. it can be as bad as going on a diet and just thinking about food the entire time)... so you might want to leave it open but wean yourself off her slowly at your own pace.
Author sqpc Posted November 9, 2005 Author Posted November 9, 2005 Is all or nothing a bad way to look at this? She has three years of school left with 8 plus classes per quarter, not to mention lives in another state. It’s not very realistic for me to expect the world from her, or for her to be with me because at this point her priority is to finish school. I don’t know, just a thought.
Author sqpc Posted November 25, 2005 Author Posted November 25, 2005 Folow up: Well I was hoping for all the wrong things. I think the part about moral fiber was correct. She decided to tell me on wednesday night, that she was sorry that she didn't tell me earlier but she has an boyfriend and they are engaged. I don't know if this is for real or just a game. Either way I don't care to be treated that way. The whole thing has red tape all over it and she has messed with me in the past. For example, she told me she did something but then it's haha just kidding just so I would come back. I wish she was a class act about the whole thing. But I had a year to tell her how I feel about her and I never picked up the phone. She told me that if she would of known that I still had feelings for her, she would have waited for me but she thought that I moved on and so she decided to as well. I feel so stupid for getting sucked into this one. I guess I have to go back to the old me MOB. So I don't feel this way again I think the best is to just hire a hooker or two for three months and switch it up so there is never any sort of emotional attachment. When you go to the club with a bunch of females everyone thinks you are boss. J/K I am actually a real sensitive person and I have respect for women. Its just that love sucks and this experience is worse than breaking up with her. The worst is that I have never thrown up before when someone told me something. I ended up canceling my thanksgiving plans because I couldn't sleep the night before and I wasn't partiucally hungry. Thank you for your input it was good for me to get third party advise!!!
whichwayisup Posted November 25, 2005 Posted November 25, 2005 It fed her ego...That game of DO YOU WANT ME AND STILL LOVE ME? Oh, good you do...I'm happy...But, I don't want you! NANANA! Sorry for your pain, and yuk that what she did made you throw up. Do take care of yourself and try your best to not let her get the best of you. She's a s*** and what she did was s***ty. Keep busy, hang out with friends. The busier you are, the easier it will be for you to think about her less and less. Time is on your side.
ReluctantRomeo Posted November 25, 2005 Posted November 25, 2005 I feel so stupid for getting sucked into this one. That's very gracious of you... you are being kind, considerate and friendly, while she is emotionally cheating on her fiancé. And YOU feel stupid... But I had a year to tell her how I feel about her and I never picked up the phone. She told me that if she would of known that I still had feelings for her, she would have waited for me but she thought that I moved on and so she decided to as well That's a heap of s*** and she knows it. She feels comfortable re-establishing contact now, she could have done it ages ago. If she had wanted you, she could have taken some initiative. Look, you're sensitive and sweet. You deserve better. Don't demean yourself with hookers. Go back to the self-improvement, and next time.... Don't be a doormat Nice does not equal doormat.
Author sqpc Posted November 25, 2005 Author Posted November 25, 2005 Is it normal for an ex to contact you, send pictures, talk everyday and act like she isn't seeing anyone, then out of the blue tell you that she has a boyfriend and is engaged. She claims that she didn't know how serious her relationship was then all the sudden asked her...ok? In a normal situation wouldn't she just be happy that she is with someone and leave me alone? I wouldn't even be thinking of her at all, much less tell her I was engaged. I would let the door close and be happy with the new beginning. And I especially wouldn't be communiticating ex-girlfriends at all. I would find it difficult to explain. Oh she is an ex but we are just friends. (sure) I want to know why she even contacted me in the first place? I was pretty clear that I didn't want to be her friend when we broke up. And if we were friends why would she tell me three weeks after she got engaged? Friends share info like that as soon as they know? I kind of told her how I felt about the whole thing and I told her that I missed her etc. and she was like I can't handle this I have to go...Then she sends me this email that didn't make sense at all...could the whole thing be a set up? Is it cool to respond to the email? There are shades gray and i just want to add the black and white for closure?
penkitten Posted November 26, 2005 Posted November 26, 2005 just block her from your im account and dont reply to the emails. its that simple with no explanations. shes the one telling you she doesnt want you to call because its too weird. dont be her doormat.
LN8840K Posted November 26, 2005 Posted November 26, 2005 My Gawd talk about extreme cruelty ........................ man I am really sorry that was way out of line, and I am sure hurts worse than a jab in the eye with a stick ............. I would cut this person from my life with cat like swiftness .................. I had a women play a similar game on me once . now everytime I get to Vegas I send her a post card that says wish you were here she still hangs up on me or has that unemployed winner of a boyfriend answer when I call .....
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