After many years of being single, I've met someone I really connect with, but there is a snag.

[Fuzzy Zoeller]

For a bit of background I am 43, no brothers or sisters, my mum died over 20 years ago, and there is just me and my dad, and he is 82 and despite being in good health in the grand scheme of things I know he won't be around much longer.

Whilst nearly all of my friends have gone on to get married/have kids/buy houses I have done none of that. I've spent a big part of my life single, no kids, living in the home I was born in (my dad lives with his partner). I never foresaw my life turning out this way, but it has.

I want to stress I am not unhappy, I am pretty positive and optimistic, have a good social life and a good group of friends, and I like to think I have looked after myself reasonably well, I am fit and healthy and (I hope) a decent human being.

I do find it hard to make a deep connection with someone, and I have always thought I would rather be single for the right reasons than with someone for the wrong ones. I have lots of female friends, but I reckon in the past 25 years I probably have only felt a real spark/connection with maybe three females.

One of them happened in January, and this is the crux of my story.

Back in November I joined a running club local to me. Just a one hour a week thing, but it has been good, it is a good group of people and I really enjoy it.

One of the first things I noticed the first time I went was that the female coach was really pretty. It was November and she was wrapped up in a big coat, hat, scarf, etc, but I could see she was very attractive (she is also a fair bit younger than me, there is a 12 year age difference).

Didn't think anything more of it, as being in a big group we didn't really get to know each other aside from a few words here and there.

A few weeks later I found out she is dating a friend of a friend. He is a guy who works for my friend's company and has done so for around a decade. I've met him maybe 10 to 15 times over that period and he is a nice guy.

Again didn't think any more of it.

Then things started to change in mid-January, both my running coach and her boyfriend (we will call her Rachel) were at our mutual friend's 40th birthday.

Rachel and I started talking and ended up chatting pretty much the entire evening. There was an immediate connection, we realised we shared a lot of the same thoughts and attitudes to life and had a lot in common.

The next morning I woke up and thought how much I had enjoyed talking to her the previous evening, when I heard the ping of a message on WhatsApp. It was Rachel saying how much she had enjoyed seeing me outside of running and how nice it had been to chat.

We swapped a few messages back and forth that day, then again a few days later, then probably within a week we were messaging every day, and that is how it has been since the end of January.

We message back and forth constantly on WhatsApp throughout the day. We've met up for coffees and walks and runs, she has come round to my house a few times to catch up and whenever we do spend time together she always messages me after saying how lovely it is.

The messages we swapped haven't crossed any boundaries, but we both have said we feel a connection, that we really enjoy each other's company and there was lots of light flirting, without either of us addressing the situation head on.

So last week she came round and I told her how I felt. I basically said I like her a lot, that initially it was just a physical attraction, but when I got to talk to her properly I realised it was much deeper than that and it has developed over the past few weeks/monts. For me it was more the chance to get the feelings off of my chest than look for answer.

At the time she said she liked me too, and that it was obvious how well we get on from how much we message and that it feels natural and we share a lot of the same thoughts and attitudes to life.

After she left she sent me a message saying she was sorry if she was a bit quiet when I told her I liked her, but she "didn't feel she was in a position to really say too much, but that I hoped I knew she thought I was wonderful".

A couple of days later she said she had been doing loads of thinking since my chat with her. She didn't say specifically what it was about, just that although she was always a great advocate for communication she knew sometimes in some situations she could be a bit closed. She said she had got herself into a messy situation when she was younger by being too honest, and maybe that was why.

If anything since I told her how I felt, our communication and flirting and has gone up a notch.

The one thing I noticed was if she wasn't interested in me in a romantic way she could easily have used the get-out and said she saw me just as a friend. Whilst she might not have wanted to do this in person, she could have done it via a message, but she never has, instead she said she was not in a position to say much.

For a bit of background information on her relationship. In 2021 she left her ex who she had been with for six years. Never talked to anyone about it, just turned up on her parent's doorstep one day and moved back in with them.

She met her current boyfriend fairly soon after I think, so they have probably been together around 18 months. He has a nice flat, but she lives at home with her parents not with him. She has never mentioned to me about moving in with him, but instead says she is saving up to buy her own place. They don't seem to spend a huge amount of time together, and he doesn't appear in any photos she posts on Instagram etc.

The only time she has mentioned her boyfriend to me was when she was talking about the cats she had with her ex and how she needed to find a new home for them. She said her current boyfriend wouldn't have them as he doesn't like cats, I jokingly replied "What??!" (I love cats), and she just replied with a red flag emoji.

Anyway, I feel silly posting something like this as a 43-year-old man, but I guess I'd just love to hear others opinions on it. Do I just leave this? Do I cut contact? Or do I pursue it?

Apologies for the long post.

TLDR: I am a 43 year old male. It is rare I meet a girl I really connect with, I did in January and we have been messaging back and forth constantly since and seen each other on a number of occasions. We both recognise the connection, but she has a boyfriend.

[ShyViolet]

The fact that she chooses to stay with her boyfriend, even though she now knows without a doubt that you have feelings for her, is all you need to know.  What she is doing is rather cowardly, continuing this flirtation with you and also staying in her relationship with her bf, not making a decision one way or the other.  If she was truly interested in being with you, she would have broken up with her bf by now to pursue something with you properly.  But she has chosen not to do that.  You shouldn't waste any more time with this.

[OurLoveTurnsToRust]

Sounds like she is just using you for flirtatious attention, sounds like her boyfriend is somewhat distant, you're filling in the gap, you made your move, now back off completely, make her think you have other options, she may come back around at some point, then you can decide if you really want her or not.  This current situation, you have no power, get it back.

Edited April 19, 2023 by OurLoveTurnsToRust

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Fuzzy Zoeller said:

She met her current boyfriend fairly soon after I think, so they have probably been together around 18 months.  

The only time she has mentioned her boyfriend to me was when she was talking about the cats 

Only you can decide if you're willing to spend time on this. It's understandable you have a crush, it happens. Perhaps you enjoy the company. She may see you as "safe" as far as a friend goes.

Minimizing the BF may seem like there's hope, but if it gets too carried away, simply picture her having sex with her BF while you're alone by the phone. That could help you put things in perspective.

[Weezy1973]

She has crossed a lot of boundaries for someone in a relationship, which is what would make me worry about her character. That being said, if the two of you are so compatible why is she staying with her ex? 

[Calmandfocused]

Rachel has a boyfriend. Big red flag! 
 

She may be younger that you but as a woman in her 30s she will know that her relationship with you is inappropriate. She’s emotionally cheating on her boyfriend … knowingly. 
 

Agree with others: the fact she has not finished with her boyfriend to be with you screams volumes. I think she’s leading you on for self validation purposes. Either that or she wants to trigger jealousy in her boyfriend to test him. 
 

Whichever angle you look at this it is not good. 
 

She’s unavailable. End of story. I’d start backing away if I were you. 
 

At 43 is it not too late for you Op. But you will waste any chance you have if you voluntarily continue to wrap yourself up in situations like this one. 

[ExpatInItaly]

You're just filling her time when her boyfriend isn't around, OP. 

Unless and until she is single, there is nothing to pursue. She could make herself single to explore the potential with you - but she hasn't done that. Given that you made your feelings clear, and she is sticking with him anyway, it is safe to say that it's a waste of your emotional energy to devote more time to her. 

[Fuzzy Zoeller]

Thanks everyone for responding. I should say it is only just over a week since I told her how I felt, so there is a chance she could still be processing that and working out the best way to deal with it.

The fact she could easily have used the get out of saying she just sees me as a friend, but never did that suggests something to me.

This isn't me trying to kid myself, just an observation of the situation.

I will see how the next couple of weeks go, and also keep her at arms distance a bit more.

Personally I feel much better for having laid out my feelings to her, and not having that running around my head is a big plus.
 

[Weezy1973]

10 minutes ago, Fuzzy Zoeller said:

This isn't me trying to kid myself, just an observation of the situation.

I think your observation is biased towards what you want. Very easy to come to conclusion so you don’t waste anymore time. Try: “As my feelings for you are beyond friendship, and I know you have a boyfriend, continuing to talk and meet up isn’t fair to anybody, including your partner. If you wish to break up with him because you think we’re more compatible let me know, but if not, I’m afraid we will need to end all communication.” 
 

Then see what she does (not what she says). Either she’ll dump him or she won’t. If she doesn’t (regardless of what she says) you have your answer. Block, delete, find another running group.

[Lotsgoingon]

This happens more frequently than you think. Someone meets a partnered person, has a great conversation and they keep talking.

Does NOT mean the partnered person wants to leave their bf/gf. And if they were to leave, doesn't mean they are ready and want to date you. Conversing can be its own thing. Especially texting. You guys are texting a lot--I assume via an encrypted app. Well, texting might as well be a video game of flirtation and fun. 

People constantly report amazing "conversations" via texting. Means nothing. Just means you text in a way that the other likes. 

To make a larger point, I recommend you drop this "this one in special and I rarely meet special women" thinking. That's deprivation thinking. 

 

 

Edited April 20, 2023 by Lotsgoingon

[BrinnM]

7 hours ago, Fuzzy Zoeller said:

Do I just leave this? Do I cut contact? Or do I pursue it?

Definitely don’t actively pursue it. You’ve already expressed pretty clearly what has been on your mind, now leave it be. If you’re still comfortable hanging out with her after all that was said, continue as usual, running group and all. 

It’s all pretty fresh, as you only told her last week, if I understand correctly, so give it some time. No reason for a rash decision, or putting her under pressure with some either-or-ultimatum (you either break up and date me, or I’ll never speak to you again); that’s just silly so early on, and it sounds like you’re pouting, or can’t control your emotions. Nothing has happened after all. Any kind of pressure is uncalled for in my opinion.

As far as her relationship is concerned, it’s really hard to tell from the outside whether or not they’re happy. Usually, after only 18 months, couples are still very much in love, and want to spend as much time together as possible. You say they don’t, but that’s just an assumption. You really don’t know that. The same applies to social media posts. Maybe he’s a very private person and doesn’t want his pictures plastered all over the interwebs. Doesn’t mean much, if you ask me.

So what I would do if I were you, I would just leave everything as is. Keep the friendship going if you’re both comfortable with it. She may or may not be comfortable with it after everything you told her.
For example: I personally would not be comfortable if I were approached in this manner by a friend that I wasn’t attracted to (not saying she isn’t attracted to you, but you get what I mean), or if somebody confessed his love to me while I’m in a relationship (unless I want to end the current relationship anyways). 
It would make me very uneasy, even though I probably wouldn’t say something right away, or withdraw from the friendship right away, because I wouldn’t want to hurt the person.

We don’t know how she sees it or what she feels about the situation or about you, but you cannot forget that she’s also in charge of this running group that you belong to, so maybe it’s just out of professionalism and/or politeness that she still communicates with you. But that’s of course all speculation. I’m just throwing it out there. 

If you really have this great communication basis like you say, and if you vibe well, you should be able to read her pretty well after a few more weeks, I’d wager. 
 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

. Try: “As my feelings for you are beyond friendship, and I know you have a boyfriend, continuing to talk and meet up isn’t fair to anybody, including your partner. If you wish to break up with him because you think we’re more compatible let me know, but if not, I’m afraid we will need to end all communication.” 

Yes, this. 

Unless you are willing to do the above, OP, you are in for a silly merry-go-round with this woman. 

[ZA Dater]

Sadly she is simply just using you for attention, unless you enjoy this attention with no chance of it ever going further I'd walk away....

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, Fuzzy Zoeller said:

 she could easily have used the get out of saying she just sees me as a friend, but never did that suggests something to me.

Perhaps by stating that she has a BF, she thinks it's clear that you're just friends, rather than having to make it even clearer. It's a good idea for you to step back and reflect if this is worth your time.

Edited April 20, 2023 by Wiseman2

[BaileyB]

19 hours ago, Fuzzy Zoeller said:

The one thing I noticed was if she wasn't interested in me in a romantic way she could easily have used the get-out and said she saw me just as a friend.

The thing is, she knows that you know she has a boyfriend and you continue to talk with her - so she thinks you are fine with the status quo. If you want her to make a decision and see where her heart truly is - stop talking with her.

When my parents met, they were both dating other people. The day after the met, they both ditched the other people so that they could date properly. If she wanted to date you - she would ditch her boyfriend to date you. They are not married, they are not living together, they don’t have kids, he doesn’t even like her cats! There is literally nothing keeping them together… but the fact she is still dating him tells you that there is nothing to pursue here… there is no future for you here, just heartache. I would stop fantasizing and start enforcing a better boundary with this unavailable woman…

Edited April 20, 2023 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

16 hours ago, Fuzzy Zoeller said:

I should say it is only just over a week since I told her how I felt, so there is a chance she could still be processing that and working out the best way to deal with it.

Don’t give her too much time. What she is doing to you is unfair, and what she is doing to her boyfriend is certainly unfair. If she doesn’t make a decision and decides to continue this little love triangle - that is a huge red flag for you. Because, let’s say that you do get together… one day you will be 62 and she will be 50 when she meets another, maybe younger man, at running club. Perhaps they share a physical attraction and there is a connection - where does that leave you? You’ve seen her boundaries - they are pretty weak and she has shown a you that she doesn’t have a problem lying to her boyfriend - do with that information what you will…

[ZA Dater]

I think what you are trying to accomplish here is very difficult but not impossible but having said that not probable either. Clearly her BF does tick her boxes else she would not be dating him, simply put you probably tick the boxes he does not so at the moment she has the best of all worlds, the attention from you and attention from the BF.

A few years ago I had a near identical situation with a co worker, she loved the attention she got from me at the office and I liked the attention from her but she would not leave her bf. 

What I suggest is decide if you want to the "third person" and if what you currently have is enough, if so then continue, if not then I suggest you go quiet and try break off contact for a while and see what happens. Whatever you do, DO NOT put any great on the wonderful romantic story where she leaves here BF for you, as lovely as this is,  I do not think its very common.

FYI with me this situation carried on for nearly 4 years. , looking back now I could see it would never work but at the moment it seemed like a fantastic idea. If nothing else I would suggest taking a step back and looking at the situation you find yourself in with a fresh perspective.

Edited April 20, 2023 by ZA Dater

[smackie9]

Time to pull away. I can feel you go "EEK!" no! But if you want her to have a hard think about it, she needs to feel what it would be like without you. That will push the issue that she should make a choice before you are gone for good. To be desirable you need to be less available. 

[Foxhall]

I quite like that opening post, perhaps I can relate to a lot of it in both ways funnily enough- the guy yearning for attention from an attractive female and then the other side when you are in a relationship and wondering is there someone more compatible out there,

also a similar age as you, so yes agree thats a little frustrating - these type of relationship choices that younger folks have all sussed out

anyway it is what it is 

I suppose you are getting attention from a sparkling younger woman, it is adding some spark to your life,

I dont see any harm in continuing that for another while and perhaps using it as a confidence booster to get to know more women.

 

 

[Fuzzy Zoeller]

On 4/20/2023 at 1:33 AM, Lotsgoingon said:

People constantly report amazing "conversations" via texting. Means nothing. Just means you text in a way that the other likes. 

 

The conversations were in person not texting, but I take your point.

We went for a run together yesterday. We sometimes do this thing when we get back from a run, where we hold each others hands to compare how cold they are (I am sure I suffer from mild Raynauds and it was cold yesterday for mid to late April), but I guess really it is just another way of us flirting with each other.

Anyway, point taken from the consensus of these posts, that she likes the attention. I am scaling back contact, cutting back on the compliments, etc and generally going to take a step back. Not cut contact completely as I will see her at this running club each week regardless, but definitely taking a step back.

[JTSW]

At the end of the day she has a bf and you shouldn't be touching and flirting with her.

She shouldn't be going to your house.

I'm glad you have decided to take a step back.

[BaileyB]

And don’t misinterpret her intentions if she noticing your distance and flirts a little more in response - it’s not that she’s interested or “choosing” you. It would be a natural and expected response to your withdrawal, and it still doesn’t change the fact that she has a boyfriend. 

[Wiseman2]

25 minutes ago, Fuzzy Zoeller said:

. We sometimes do this thing when we get back from a run, where we hold each others hands to compare how cold they are. I suffer from mild Raynauds 

That's ok. It seems like she's a good running buddy. Sports buddies often help with stretches, fitness parameters and motivation. So taking your temperature or pulse is fine.

However she does have a BF and even if he's not interested in running or other things with her, they're still together and still having sex. 

So in effect it's ok to have a crush, but keep your options open and make sure you follow up on opportunities with single available women .

Edited April 21, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Weezy1973]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

So in effect it's ok to have a crush, but keep your options open and make sure you follow up on opportunities with single available women .

Yes this. Just make sure you’re not fixated on this woman, as the title of your posts suggests a scarcity mentality. Having a mild crush and dating other women is fine. Crushing on this woman so much that you lose interest in dating others is just a waste of time. The quicker you move on the better.

[Lotsgoingon]

Yes, backing away is the best step here----though I know it will be hard and you would rather step towards here.

There is something you can do as you step back. Just tell her the truth. Look, I'm really into you. Love the conversations, felt so connected. Haven't felt connected to someone like that in a long time. I say go ahead and tell all of that. With emotion. And then you say given all of that, it's just not good for me to spend time with you because I want more. 

If there IS really a deep connection here, might as well tell her that. Because who knows? In a year she might call you and tell you she's single. So I say make it clear to her explicitly that you are romantically interested, give the reasons for that. And then step away. 

I've found that spelling things out in situations like this has two benefits: the other person really hears what I'm thinking and feeling. And two, I hear what I'm thinking and feeling and it feels more respectful to myself to say what I'm feeling to someone as opposed to hiding.  I walk away feeling stronger and there is no room for later telling myself oh I should have said this or should have told her that. I told her. Kills the need to second guess.

Good luck.