noclobber Posted November 7, 2005 Posted November 7, 2005 cabeach: You guys really think he's just trying to get me to go away? I made him promise me 2 years ago, that if he were ready to call it quits he would be up front and tell me. He won't break that promise. I know this. Outcast: I don't have a full time job. I just go to school, and usually, it's a cake walk compared to working. My hardest time is with math, but even that doesn't take too much. I don't have kids. I clean the house, but he's only home 2 days and he's not messy. My life is really, really easy right now compared to damn near everyone else's. Noclobber: Your about the only guy here, you're saying 2 years into a relationship you might not just want to play video games then spend the day with your woman? Guess I am rationalizing some, but the question is, if I worked as hard as he did, would I be mad that my bf said brought up a comment I made threatening him I was going to leave if I didn't get more hugs from him. Because that's basically the same thing to me. Sex for guy. Affection for women. Say I worked 90 hours, paid all the bills, dealt with a bunch of pricks all day telling me I'm lazy for only working 90 hours that week and my man was only going to school. Would I be mad that he would bring up the comment I made, if I felt I had to threaten him to get what I needed from him? He wasn't mad I was insecure. But about bringing up the comment. Would you be upset? Defensive? Hurt? Walk i didn't say that u were completely innocent and only ur guy was wrong. I made it clear that u pissed him off by saying that u feel insecure. I am once again reiterating the fact that as a guy I would feel hurt and angry if my girl says the same thing. BUT that does not give me the permission to spit fumes on you. Even you felt so bad to the point that u doubted whether u were crazy. From your posts one thing is crystal clear to me. You love him and you don't want to leave him!! You are now very confused... u like him a lot but he is bursting out on u on many occassions.. and when that happens u get so annoyed and wonder whether u have to stay. but its just that, u r only wondering, u do not want to actually leave him. Your justifications for his behavior are making it very obvious. In this situation I can only say one thing - give ur man some more chances! but if u choose to do that u also got to be ready to put up with some more crap.
SmoochieFace Posted November 7, 2005 Posted November 7, 2005 Thanks for the .... uh... pep talk PV. I'm not screaming "but I love him." I really worry I'm selfish. I know I have that tendancy. I don't want to be that way, and the only way I know to stop that is to be on my guard against it. Can I accept him, but have him equipped with a mute button? YOU'RE selfish??? Are you kidding me? This is a joke, right? Look, this *man* you are with is the one with the issues, not you. You can by all means *accept* him but things will not change on his end and you will continue to be unhappy. Only you can take charge of your life and do what's right for you. Stay or leave... your choice.
SmoochieFace Posted November 7, 2005 Posted November 7, 2005 as a guy I would feel hurt and angry if my girl says the same thing. Why would you be angry? Explain that one please...
noclobber Posted November 7, 2005 Posted November 7, 2005 Why would you be angry? Explain that one please... I would be angry b'cos in this particular situation my partner and I had already discussed about it, arrived at a resolution, and were done with it. A week later when we both r having a good day and I see my gurl being grumpy and says "i am feeling insecure" it definitely is going to piss me off. Why wud u bring up a sensitive topic that is already over and done with? I am not saying that all men are likely to react like this, i am only talking about my potential behavior in this situation.
SmoochieFace Posted November 7, 2005 Posted November 7, 2005 That sounds manipulative and controlling to me. Your partner is entitled to feel any way she does about anything. It almost sounds like she *must* feel a certain way about whatever and if she deviates from that you'll get pissed off at her. Just doesn't sound very mature.
cabeach Posted November 7, 2005 Posted November 7, 2005 I am not entirely sure why you are posting or what it is you are seeking advice about. You do not want to leave this boy. What you want is to continue to make excuses for him. Everyone has "a lot going on in life". That is what life is about. But when someone shuts out their love one, and makes comments about f*cking other women.... sugar, he is trying to tell you something... open you eyes, open your ears, listen with your head and not your heart, unless you will get hurt and this may turn you into a very bitter women and it may make it hard to "refind" yourself afte this hurt.... may I ask how old your both are? I agree, that he is jut not that into you.... though he may not want to break his "promise". i think he already has let you down....
noclobber Posted November 7, 2005 Posted November 7, 2005 That sounds manipulative and controlling to me. Your partner is entitled to feel any way she does about anything. It almost sounds like she *must* feel a certain way about whatever and if she deviates from that you'll get pissed off at her. Just doesn't sound very mature. well i dunno how a woman will behave if i say "i don't think u love me" after she does so much for me and when we r having a wonderful day. i am first human and then a man. and newsflash, even men have emotions and feelings! i am not saying that i wud lash out at my gurl for expressing her feelings. i only said that i will get pissed off and wonder where its coming from..
SmoochieFace Posted November 7, 2005 Posted November 7, 2005 I will say in all honesty that if my GF were to start talking about *beep* other men then it's time to either have a serious relationship overhaul or just show her the door. That kind of talk is *beep*.
Author Walk Posted November 7, 2005 Author Posted November 7, 2005 From noclobbers comment about being upset: I could see him thinking that too. Except, we only discussed his problems. I never brought up his comments, or how I felt. Guess I gotta **** or get off the pot here, cause others seem to be saying that. p.s. Early 30's. Lot more complicated then what I'm expressing here. Always is. Just wondered if other guys would see it as something to get upset about. Take care. Thanks.
SmoochieFace Posted November 7, 2005 Posted November 7, 2005 i am first human and then a man. and newsflash, even men have emotions and feelings! Thanks for the bulletin. No *beep*, men have emotions and feelings... well, some of them anyway. What's important is how you express them. If you lash out at her and start acting crazy then your being a dick who is screaming to be made fun of (like Walk's man). OTOH, if you act in a mature fashion and talk with your GF about the issue then you will be seen as an adult. If the issue keeps cropping up then you can always move on and find someone who is not as *insecure*. Take responsibility for your life and do what is right for you instead of being pissed off.
noclobber Posted November 7, 2005 Posted November 7, 2005 I could see him thinking that too. Except, we only discussed his problems. I never brought up his comments, or how I felt. Guess I gotta **** or get off the pot here, cause others seem to be saying that. Take care. Thanks. Walk the final decision is always yours!! the members in this forum only give their perspective on things.. Good luck, hope things turn out well for you! Keep us posted
noclobber Posted November 7, 2005 Posted November 7, 2005 No *beep*, men have emotions and feelings... well, some of them anyway. What's important is how you express them. If you lash out at her and start acting crazy then your being a dick who is screaming to be made fun of (like Walk's man). OTOH, if you act in a mature fashion and talk with your GF about the issue then you will be seen as an adult. Totally agree!! I wud not lash out on my baby.. but i definitely will have a talk about it. May be i used the wrong word (pissed off).. but i wud definitely be upset.
noclobber Posted November 7, 2005 Posted November 7, 2005 From noclobbers comment about being upset: I could see him thinking that too. Except, we only discussed his problems. I never brought up his comments, or how I felt. Walk, I want to be very very clear. I will be upset in that situation BUT will not throw a temper-tantrum and hurt my girl! especially to the point where she is thinking that something might be wrong with her.. and of course forget about me telling things like "i will get sex elsewhere"... that's way too much!
Lishy Posted November 7, 2005 Posted November 7, 2005 Hey babyyyy Girl I have just been reading your thread again and I know exactly how you feel - I lived it for 14 years!!!! He was nice and sweet and loving and I could turn to him for everything!! He worked whilst i stayed at home with our baby and I cooked and cleaned and looked after everything. That was all in-between fits of temper and massive outbursts over petty things. He would blow hot and cold and when he lost his temper i would sit and blame myself - thinking "why didnt I just shut my mouth, it's MY fault he is so angry over that egg being too hard, I should have just remembered to get ketchup - I am so STUPID!" ........ NOT ... I am not stupid and i shouldnt have put up with his BS and crap and stupid over the top temper tantrums!! Your guy will get worse and worse Walk I can guarantee that .. and the worse he gets the more you will sink in your hole and become the 'passive wife at home' - Do you honestly think you should be emptying his astray and making him food whilst he barely looks at you? How old is he? I cant say all i want to say to you as i will take up 4 pages honey - I left him after 14 years and after i got in such a state I would dread him coming home. He was a manipulater and a bully. He never physically hit me but the names i would get called just so i would shut up where worse than being hit. Bruises eventally go, memories dont! When we split people where so shocked as we come across as so happy - HE was very happy cos I was there to do everything for him but I was so desperately unhappy and in the end i was scared of him. My advice to you darling would be GET THE HELL OUT AND DONT LOOK BACK!! There is NO excuse to be treated like that by ANYONE especially someone who professes to love you. I know it wont be easy and I can see by the excuses you are constantly making for him that you love him alot - But that love is going to drag you down and ruin your self esteem until you feel like nothing!! I am a natural 'people pleaser' and that leaves me open to be manipulated. But now i see the signs so clear that no other man will EVER do that to me again. Get out whilst you dont have kids as that makes things so much harder. Me and Clobsie will be here for you whatever you decide to do hon. I know it is easier said than done but you only have one life so why spend it with somone who treats you like crap? Even if he is sometimes so wonderful you must always be waiting for him to flip, and then making excuses for it so you dont actually have to act on it! I am starting again now in a new home with my gorgeous son and I am so happy with my life. I do what I want without the 'dread' of him coming home and what mood he will be in! I used to get so miserable when i heard his car pull up!! Oh and this is the man i thought I loved so much - The man i thoughht worked so hard for his family and the man who since I have left him has had a nervous breakdown and I can see his true colours so clearly!! This post is all over the place as i never talk about him and it has brought back many memories that i try to forget!! Walk do what your name says baby and WALK! You will be much happier in the long run!!!!! Please keep us updated !!
Lishy Posted November 7, 2005 Posted November 7, 2005 and BTW he would always tell me that he will have to go somewhere else to get sex if i didnt put out often enough!!!!!!
noclobber Posted November 7, 2005 Posted November 7, 2005 and BTW he would always tell me that he will have to go somewhere else to get sex if i didnt put out often enough!!!!!! wow.. Walk and Lishy, u both seem to have had the same type of guy... Walk i think ur best bet would be to see what Lishy has to say 'cos she has been in the exact same situation for 14 yrs!! Of course the final decision is urs to make but nevertheless Lishy baby seems to be ur ideal bet in this particular situation.
Author Walk Posted November 7, 2005 Author Posted November 7, 2005 I am a natural 'people pleaser' and that leaves me open to be manipulated. But now i see the signs so clear that no other man will EVER do that to me again. Me too.. I do stuff for him cause it makes me happy. But I never know what's going to flip his top. He never calls me names or say's I'm a bad person. Which makes me think that maybe I'm just too sensitive, put more into his words then he means. I don't know if I do, and this really bothers the crap outta me!! But then I remember how he got all distant and moody 'cause I forgot to pick up milk one time while I was on the way home from visiting with a fav uncle I hadn't seen in years. He said I let him down. That's why he was upset. Your guy will get worse and worse Walk I can guarantee that .. and the worse he gets the more you will sink in your hole and become the 'passive wife at home' - Do you honestly think you should be emptying his astray and making him food whilst he barely looks at you? How old is he? I think I got too deep in the manure pile. woohoo. Good news. I've got a fall back plan. Talked to my bro and he's looking for a roomy to share bills with. He also wants me to babysit his munchkins, which I'm not too thrilled about, but they're super well behaved for being so young, and I love the little devils. And the way my lifes going right now, I'll probably be in Iraq 4 months from now anyway. (I'm a pessimist at heart.) They doped me full of anthrax, typhoid, and hep A,B,C shots couple weeks ago. I'm a walking immunological disaster waiting to happen.
Author Walk Posted November 7, 2005 Author Posted November 7, 2005 Lishy, What finally made you leave? Or what finally opened your eyes? Was it just a combination of things over time, or a big thing that happened? When you did leave, was it because you were no longer "in love" with him? Or was it safety reasons? or self-esteem? What put you over the top after 14 years of staying? How did you decide?
Lishy Posted November 7, 2005 Posted November 7, 2005 What made me leave was the fact that i would lay in bed at night mentally packing all of my stuff (My 'stuff' filled a truck!) I would dream about being by myself and not having him hanging over my shoulder. He was like a noose slowly tightening around my neck. It took many years for it to get to this hon - The first 8 years where not so bad (a bit like how it is for you right now) But when i had my son the manipulating and head games started. He is narcisstic babe and you will see as you progress just how much he will change and get more controlling! My self esteem was at zero but now i am so sure of my worth and no other man will do this to me ever again .... of that i am sure!! I have always been a strong woman but he still managed to do this to me - Stop making excises for him babe is my advice (even though you dont see it as making excuses) Read your own posts like you are reading about a stranger and give advice on it and you will see! I am here is you ever need to chat hon x
Author Walk Posted November 7, 2005 Author Posted November 7, 2005 Thank you Lishy!!! and noclobber for the replies. I really appreciate the comments and suggestions. Thank you. Thought I was going out of my mind for a while there.
Outcast Posted November 7, 2005 Posted November 7, 2005 I don't have a full time job. I just go to school, and usually, it's a cake walk compared to working. My hardest time is with math, but even that doesn't take too much. I don't have kids. I clean the house, but he's only home 2 days and he's not messy. My life is really, really easy right now compared to damn near everyone else's. You completely missed my point. Reread what I wrote.
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