If life gets worse, just shoot me......

[Walk]

Last week we had a huge argument and he made some horrid comments that really hurt me. So Wednesday we talk it out, and it seems as if we're finally on the same page. Everything's great, fabulous, wonderful. The sex was awesome! He seems happier then he's been in a long while... but he was also kind of distant.

 

Saturday morning we have breakfast, have great sex, take a nap. Things are good. I had to get a gift for my niece's bday, so I asked if he'd go with me. It was less then an hour from the time we stepped out the door to the time we got home, and this included his stop at taco bell to get food for himself. After we get home he runs upstairs and plays video games from 2pm to 6pm. He only came down 'cause I made dinner. We watched an hour of South Park, and he goes back upstairs to play video games for several more hours. No problem if he wants to, but I felt a little... pushed aside. I mean, it's Saturday evening, and I'm sitting there (again) completely alone downstairs. But whatever, I figure it's okay 'cause we spent the morning together so it's okay, right? I shouldn't feel like he doesn't want to be with me just because he only see's me for about 2 days a week and he'd rather play video games then do anything with me. But everyone needs their own hobbies, right? Do their own thing? And it'd be selfish of me to want to spend the one evening he has free for the entire week with him, right? He should be able to play video games with his time if that's what he wants.

 

So around midnight he comes back downstairs and sits on the couch with me. He keeps saying I should go to bed. I ask him if it'd be okay if I cuddled up on the couch with him for a little while. He say's no, he does't want to. After a minute he say's I seem kind of surly. I tell him I'm not surly, I'm tired. He asks me twice more why I'm grumpy. Finally, the last time he asks, I tell him I'm feeling a little insecure, that's all. He asks why. I lie and say no real reason, just feeling a little insecure. He asks again. So I tell him the truth. I'm insecure because he said if he couldn't get sex at home, then he was going to go find another woman he could get it from.

 

Hell broke lose. He was instantly P'ssed off! Said how could I bring that up knowing that it would get us in an argument, and did I want to sabotage the relationship. And why would I ever bring up something like this when we were just starting to get back on track. Asking why i couldn't wait a few weeks before bringing up feeling insecure. And that I had no reason to be insecure, because he had come home, that he wasn't at the bar trying to pick up someone else, and that he'd gone shopping for a bday present with me when he really hadn't wanted to. And he felt that proved he wanted to be there and not with another woman.

 

I tried explaining I wasn't trying to pick a fight, but that I also didn't want to lie to him, and if he hadn't pushed for why then I never would've said anything. That I was just trying to let him know that I may act kind of strange but it was just because I was feeling insecure, not because I didn't want to be there. That seemed to make it worse. He just got more and more pissed. Everything I said made it worse. Then he started bringing up all my past transgressions from as far back as 19 months ago.

 

He informs me he's done arguing and going to sleep. And then sleeps on the couch.

 

This morning. He won't talk. I try apologizing again for even bringing up why I was insecure, and attempt to reiterate that I wasn't trying to make him mad. Whatever. He just got more mad at me.

 

I even asked him why he'd be so pissed about a comment he made, when I thought we'd come to a resolution about it. I didn't think he'd still feel so mad about it. If it's resolved then why the intnse anger still? He said because I had to remind him how I undermined his masculinity by reminding him that he had to threaten me in order to get sex out of me. Lots more words about how I should be insecure, how if I'm not then I'm not taking this seriously enough, and what did I think I was going to get out of saying I was insecure. He asked if I thought I was going to have him say he wanted to be with me forever adn didn't want any other woman, and he wasn't going to say that because it wasn't true.

 

I said I just wanted a hug, and for him to say "we're working on things..we'll work through this." Guess I asked for far too much.

 

Have you ever wondered if you're the one who's crazy in the relationship? Maybe I'm mentally ill or something? Or I have some kind of defect that makes me a head case? Am I one of those crazy women that men talk about, and tell horror stories about? Am I crazy? He said I play mind games on him. That I am one those crazy women.

 

I just wanted a hug.... Should've known if I asked flat out and got denied, what would make me think saying I'm insecure and scared would change anything.... I'm an idiot.

[konfuzd]

Walk,

 

You have replied to several of my posts, and I always enjoy your responses to other people's posts as well... You seem like you're totally level headed, strong and don't deserve to be dicked around like that. I'm so sorry he's treating you like that. What really bothered me is that you took it on yourself at the end of your post... I hope you don't truly believe you are an idiot.

 

You have every right to express your insecurities with someone you care about, if he lashes out at you for it, he obviously has something to hide. It sounds like you approached the situation in a way that you were opening yourself up to him, it takes time to work through issues, and yes, you have every right to be insecure until he proves to you he's in it for more than his own gratification. If he truly wants to work things out with you, he needs to stop focussing on himself. You gave him the space he needed to play his video games and be alone, which is probably his way of avoiding the issue at hand, then he expects you to treat him like he's some kind of hero! Unbelievable!

 

I think you should really get out of the house, go see some friends/family, go shopping and buy yourself something special you typically wouldn't buy. A massge or a manicure or something. Pamper yourself, and forget about waiting for this guy to give you the attention you need and deserve, it will only leave you hurt again... I'm so sorry he's doing this to you. Be strong and keep posting. It's not your fault!

[westernxer]

This is a classic case of miscommunication between the sexes. You know, the Mars/Venus syndrome.

 

Both of you assume the other will see where you're coming from, yet there's no real effort to reach out and communicate until emotions have reached a boiling point.

 

Once you understand this, things should improve. Every couple goes through this when they move in together, but it takes effort from both people to communicate effectively. You learn with experience, like the rest of the world.

[Outcast]

What a total schmuck!

 

He said because I had to remind him how I undermined his masculinity by reminding him that he had to threaten me in order to get sex out of me.

 

Well he's certainly original in coming up with ways to blame you for his issues.

 

Lots more words about how I should be insecure, how if I'm not then I'm not taking this seriously enough,

 

Huh? That's rich.

 

He asked if I thought I was going to have him say he wanted to be with me forever adn didn't want any other woman, and he wasn't going to say that because it wasn't true.

 

Well, you can't say that he's misled you. He's flat out saying he's not really committed to you. So, knowing this, you still have chosen to be with him. IMHO, any further evidence he provides that he feels this way isn't anything to get upset about because it's something he's made abundantly clear to you.

 

Now why you'd choose to stick with someone who has no desire to commit is something you're going to have to sort out for yourself.

[d'Arthez]

Have you ever wondered if you're the one who's crazy in the relationship? Maybe I'm mentally ill or something? Or I have some kind of defect that makes me a head case? Am I one of those crazy women that men talk about, and tell horror stories about? Am I crazy? He said I play mind games on him. That I am one those crazy women.

Umm... I would wonder if this is slowly evolving in an abusive relationship. Your thought pattern in these few lines is alarming, at best.

 

Given that you did not make any outrageous demands, nor did you do anything that can be considered as bizarre behavior, to consider this as simple miscommunication does not seem advisable.

 

I seriously would suggest to you, to consider whether or not this relationship is viable as it is. As for making things work, you have seen in the course of a few days how long his "attempt" lasted.

 

He may work 90 hours a week, but that does not mean, that he can treat you like a dog. Sadly, that is close to what he is doing.

[Lishy]

Oh Walk what a mess eh!!

 

From what you are saying all you are short of doing is laying on the floor and letting him wipe his feet on you on his way out!

 

You are a quick witted, ballsy woman and I really think you need to tell him to shape up or ship out!!!!!!!!

 

Seriously babe I can see what he is doing ... He is doing what he can get away with. You obviously love him and do not want to part, but I think the only way he will realise what you do or dont mean to him is for you to make a stand!

 

Try to talk one more time to him about how you feel - write a letter if he will not listen! If he starts getting angry again then think about having a break for you both to evaluate your relationship. It seems his behaviour is borderline narcisstic and he is bullying you for expressing your feelings. That should not happen in a loving relationship. Expressing your feelings is so easy in a good relationship.

 

Telling you going shopping with you shows he loves you is a cop out - Did you make him his dinner because you really wanted to? we all have to do things we are not keen on - but we dont all expect a medal for it.

 

You are NOT Crazy

you are NOT mentally ill

You are NOT mad

 

You are being bullied!!!!!!

 

You are an intelligent, funny, sharp witted, compassionate woman - You do not need to put up with this behaviour - He is telling you that he does not see you as marriage material and the longer you remain with him, knowing this, the lower your self esteem will get and the more he will bully you.

 

If I seemed a bit blunt i do apologise hon - I lived with a guy like this for 14 years and they just get worse the longer you stay together.

 

Keep us informed how you get on!!!

[noclobber]

Walk,

 

first-off u r not a crazy woman!! the feelings that u r currently having may make u think that u r indeed paranoid or crazy... but they r just that.. feelings, and not rational thoughts.

 

i am getting an idea that ur man is hyper-sensitive or has an extremely fragile ego. there is no need for such a drama when all that u ask for is a hug or some cuddling.. i remember ur previous posts and i believe that u have already given him a chance.

 

i do have some questions for u.. why did u tell him that u r feeling insecure and bring up his past comment about he seeking sex elsewhere? i understand that u were pissed off that he neglected u nearly the whole day and was playing video-games.. did that neglection set u off?

 

but whatever the case i really believe that u r standing at cross-roads in this relationship.. i wud suggest that u talk to this person once again but do not bring up what he said to u earlier... if this doesn't work out then i am sorry babe, u got to make a decision! i really hope that things will go well for u guys... and once again u r not crazy, mentally ill, head-case, whatever... u r a wonderful person that deserves somebody that will treat u better..

 

keep us posted! Lishy is on this too... we will offer u as much support as is possible.

[Walk]

You guys are the best!!! Thank you for the support and words of wisdom. And don't worry Lishy, I'm not going to take it as too harsh.

 

i do have some questions for u.. why did u tell him that u r feeling insecure and bring up his past comment about he seeking sex elsewhere? i understand that u were pissed off that he neglected u nearly the whole day and was playing video-games.. did that neglection set u off?

 

I asked him to cuddle up with me for a bit, and he said no, he didn't want to. I guess that's what got me. I just said okay, didn't push it, but then he starts asking me why I'm grumpy. I kept telling him I was just tired. (I wasn't even grumpy, just quieter.) Final time he asks, I tell him I'm feeling a "little insecure". He starts asking why. I tried being vague. he asks again, I say I just am. he asks again, I tell him it's partly because he made a comment about getting sex elsewhere if I wasn't going to "put out".

 

Sky rocket at that point. Like a volcano blowing up. Molten lava, the whole nine yards. 'Cause I thought honesty was best. oops.

 

The ONLY reason I said anything about being insecure is because I have a tendency to pull away and be less affectionate. I didn't want him thinking I was jealous of the video games or time for himself.

 

I tried everything to make sure his day went well. bought him stuff, bought him taco bell, did his laundry, made him dinner, brought him drinks while he was playing, emptied his ashtray. Made sure he got back upstairs to play after dinner cause I knew he wanted to... made sure he was laid. I even made sure I jumped right up after sex so he wouldn't feel obligated to "cuddle". He wanted to nap afterward and wanted me there, even though I wasn't tired, and I laid there as quiet as I could for over an hour. Because he wanted that.

 

He is doing what he can get away with. You obviously love him and do not want to part, but I think the only way he will realise what you do or dont mean to him is for you to make a stand!

 

I blew it already! I should've read this several hours ago. I apologized to him profusely, told him I was selfish and wrong and that I was sorry for ruining his weekend. Now he feels vindicated for his anger, self-righteous, and victimized.

 

I'm going to write a book on "what not to do". Should've just said I was leaving yesterday, and if he ever pulled his head outta his butt then we could talk. I think maybe I speak some form of pig latin that's undecipherable to the male ear. Do you think I could get a job as a translator? Embassy have a position for crazy woman pig latin translator?

[noclobber]

Okay, both of u did something to piss each other off.. he neglected u, played video games, and refused to cuddle up with u. and u set him off by talking about ur insecurities... he got annoyed b'cos u brought up something that both of u had talked about earlier and were done with.. to be honest Walk i wud get upset too if my girl brings up things that were already talked about.. that said i am not saying that he was right in bursting out like a volcano and throwing flames on u.. u really don't deserve that especially after u did so much to ur man on that day (buy him food, do his laundry, make dinner, had sex...). i can safely say that it takes very little to set ur guy off.. his emotional state mirrors that of a teenager's...

 

u have mentioned that u have apologized profusely... and he is feeling vindicated? ok whatever.. now u got limited options to choose from. u can make one more attempt to pacify him and talk things over OR u can leave him. both these choices r going to hurt b'cos if u choose to be with him u have to be careful not set him off or deal with his temper tantrums.. if u leave him its again going to hurt 'cos u love him..

[Walk]

If I seemed a bit blunt i do apologise hon - I lived with a guy like this for 14 years and they just get worse the longer you stay together.

 

Did standing up actually work? Or just make him more upset?

 

Can you say more on that relationship? Generally what it was like? And what does hindsight tell you now?

 

Relationships are too confusing. If I end it with this guy, I'm going to become a nun.

Maybe GP would come help me too? HA! j/k

[Walk]

to be honest Walk i wud get upset too if my girl brings up things that were already talked about..

 

Good point noclobber. Should've kept my mouth shut on the whole deal.

 

Problem was, it was starting to really eat away at me. I mean, suddenly I'm wondering if he had a girl already lined up. His ex would drop her panties in the blink of an eye to get back with him, and she still "accidently" runs into him every few months. I was second guessing his every action. Was he working more hours because he had too, or because he had "other" work?

 

I hate being suspicious of my SO. I honestly don't believe he'd cheat, but that doubt starts to wiggle in when you hear comments that are geared to let you know he'll get sex somewhere else if he has to. I mean, who really knows someone else? People I've Never thought capable of cheating end up cheating.

 

I know me... and if I didn't get some sort of explanation, then I'd get worse and worse until my fears blow up in my face. Either way, it blew up in my face, so I guess it didn't matter.

 

I gotta get off here. I have a paper due in 8 hours, and i haven't even looked at the assignment yet. Go me.

[noclobber]

I gotta get off here. I have a paper due in 8 hours, and i haven't even looked at the assignment yet. Go me.

 

That's the best thing to do now Walk. It will take ur mind off this issue..

 

Do ur best in the assignment hon

[Outcast]

Should've kept my mouth shut on the whole deal.

 

What kind of a relationship is it if you don't dare speak lest someone blow his stack? noclobber, you missed the boat here.

[Walk]

What kind of a relationship is it if you don't dare speak lest someone blow his stack? noclobber, you missed the boat here.

 

I should revise what I said about not talking. What I should've done is held my tongue until more time had passed if I wanted to talk about that comment.

 

Or I should've rephrased my concern without bringing up the comment, at least for right now.

 

But you do have a good point Outcast. Sometimes I feel like anything I say will be used as ammo against me later. I told him I felt like I was talking to a brick wall sometimes with him. Few hours later he's asking why I bother talking to him if he's just a brick wall. Makes me hesistant to say anything. Even if he is in a good mood. Because I don't know what is going to set him off next. And I'm not sure if it's because I'm "pushing" his buttons on accident? If you put yourself in his shoes, you work 14-16 hours a day, hate your job, and then your company tells you you can't even have the whole weekend off! And find out that they shorted you on pay that week so that after bills you don't have any money in your pocket. Most of us would be pretty easily set off by little things at that point. Not that it's right, but we would be, wouldn't we?

 

So wouldn't that make me the bad person in this? He kept saying I should've been more considerate and compassionate. Maybe I was being too selfish in this and wanting more then he had the energy for at the time. Shouldn't we put our partners needs ahead of our own at all times? Maybe I was being too selfish wanting reassurance right now?

[cabeach]

I hate to say this, but i think your boyfriend is pushing you away. There is no reason he would play video games for that long instead of spend time with you, when he can do that when you are not there. Why would he "keep telling you to go to bed" when he did come downstairs?" He acts like he can have any woman he wants? I think he is trying to tell you something in grey terms.....I do not know the reason he is pushing away but i sincerely believe he is hiding something and he is trying tp piss you off enough so that you will walk away and make his decision for him, and elimiate him being the bad guy. People who love someone do not treat someone like this. Do not rationalize and make excuses for this guy, move on to someone who can love you.

[SmoochieFace]

You need to drop his sorry ass as he is being a complete asswipe towards you. You deserve better than that.

[Walk]

There is no reason he would play video games for that long instead of spend time with you, when he can do that when you are not there. Why would he "keep telling you to go to bed" when he did come downstairs?" He acts like he can have any woman he wants?

 

(in his defense.)

He only gets home 2 days out of the week. OTR truck driver. He has a hand held he takes with him on the road. But he said he just wanted to veg out saturday, because he's stressed out with finances, and his job. He doesn't get any time for hobbies, or outside interests, because he lives in a truck at least 5 days out of the week. He didn't even get two full days off this weekend.

 

Am I being selfish about all this? I honestly didn't think saying I was insecure about a comment would tick him off so badly. Obviously it did. Maybe he's just really insecure right now. I know Saturday morning and afternoon he was complaining that he was gaining weight, and that he didn't have a penny to his name after paying bills. I know if he doesn't have money he feels like he's worthless or something. If he were just insecure, I could probably deal with that, but he always covers everything with this huge ego. As soon as the tiniest little thing makes him feel threatened he becomes mega-ego-man. It's like an impeneratable shield, and pushes me away. How do I combat that? I've never seen someone who could be so insecure one second and turn into an egotistical a-hole the next. Which leaves me baffled.

 

Oh, as a side note. The only time he brings up insecurity about his weight is when he feels comfortable with me. So I don't believe he's concerned about it because he wants to impress other women. He's upset because he sits behind a wheel all day, and it's all fast food on the road. He's gained almost 40lbs in a year and a half.

 

Anyway, What the heck do I do?? Ditch and run? He's bent over backwards for me like no other man I've ever met. Usually, we are so alike it's scary. He defends me against his brother, and friends, even when they all tell him to get ride of me. But maybe he'd be a lot better off without me...?

[noclobber]

walk its very apparent that u love this guy... but he is such a flip-flop! r u in a position to deal with extreme mood swings? its not easy, i can guarantee that. he drives trucks 5 days a week and in the 2 days he gets off he spends a whole day playing video games? i think he shud be spending every minute with u.. looks like he is missing the video games more than u...

 

also, u shud be able talk to ur partner whatever u feel like talking without having a fear of whether it wud set him off.. but looks like u got to think twice everytime before u say something and when u do say something that he feels is wrong he bursts out on u...

 

and i agree with the other posters about the fact that he might have "somebody", otherwise he won't be making bold statements like he can get sex elsewhere...

 

think about it walk and keep us posted..

[Outcast]

looks like he is missing the video games more than u...

 

I second that.

 

he said he just wanted to veg out saturday, because he's stressed out with finances, and his job. He doesn't get any time for hobbies, or outside interests, because he lives in a truck at least 5 days out of the week.

 

Oh boohoo. Yes, he's stressed and busy but no more so than women who work all day and then go home to take care of kids all evening every evening and all weekend. If he's too stressed, he should look for another job - bus drivers make great money and have much better shifts. Or he should exercise or look into stress reduction techniques like meditation and relaxation.

 

If everybody who was stressed and overworked acted the way he does, we'd be in the midst of WWIII. No, it's not your fault; it's his fault for choosing the job and for choosing faulty coping mechanisms. Having a rough life does not give someone the right to mistreat others.

[noclobber]

No, it's not your fault; it's his fault for choosing the job and for choosing faulty coping mechanisms. Having a rough life does not give someone the right to mistreat others.

 

and on top of that, it was definitely his mistake to promise that he wud take care of the bills while u go to college... and later make a big stink about it.

[cabeach]

i think you are rationalizing his behavior and making excuses for him....to put it very bluntly... i think he is looking fro a way out.. sorry to say

[SmoochieFace]

"I LOVE HIM!"

 

That is THE most common rationalisation!

 

I don't think it's really *love* - I think it is *fear* - fear of losing a relationship, fear of looking like a failure, fear of this, fear of that.

 

Even if it was above *love*... well, love just isn't enough.

[Walk]

cabeach:

You guys really think he's just trying to get me to go away? I made him promise me 2 years ago, that if he were ready to call it quits he would be up front and tell me. He won't break that promise. I know this.

 

Outcast:

I don't have a full time job. I just go to school, and usually, it's a cake walk compared to working. My hardest time is with math, but even that doesn't take too much. I don't have kids. I clean the house, but he's only home 2 days and he's not messy. My life is really, really easy right now compared to damn near everyone else's.

 

Noclobber:

Your about the only guy here, you're saying 2 years into a relationship you might not just want to play video games then spend the day with your woman?

 

Guess I am rationalizing some, but the question is, if I worked as hard as he did, would I be mad that my bf said brought up a comment I made threatening him I was going to leave if I didn't get more hugs from him. Because that's basically the same thing to me. Sex for guy. Affection for women.

 

Say I worked 90 hours, paid all the bills, dealt with a bunch of pricks all day telling me I'm lazy for only working 90 hours that week and my man was only going to school. Would I be mad that he would bring up the comment I made, if I felt I had to threaten him to get what I needed from him? He wasn't mad I was insecure. But about bringing up the comment.

 

Would you be upset? Defensive? Hurt?

[portableversion]

This so pathetic.

 

Walk mewls pathetically...'but he works all the time and pays my bills, and i love him, so it is okay that he treat me like crap.'

 

Lose this emotional retard. Or accept him.

 

I agree, he's 'just not into you'.

[Walk]

This so pathetic.

 

Walk mewls pathetically...'but he works all the time and pays my bills, and i love him, so it is okay that he treat me like crap.'

 

Lose this emotional retard. Or accept him.

 

I agree, he's 'just not into you'.

 

Thanks for the .... uh... pep talk PV.

 

 

I'm not screaming "but I love him." I really worry I'm selfish. I know I have that tendancy. I don't want to be that way, and the only way I know to stop that is to be on my guard against it.

 

Can I accept him, but have him equipped with a mute button?